happy pride month folks. Although I don't shout it out from the roof, I am a bisexual guy, and coming out when I was 29, after so many confusions. I spent most of my life having crush with girls, but maybe because the guys around me were not that attractive, I grew up almost completely without any attraction to guys, until I discovered gay porns when I studied for my undergrad's degree. Things became confusing for me as I didn't find any guys around me attractive as well (well there was one, but I didn't really notice it till recently, and he's married anyway), and I also had a weird case of mixing platonic feeling with romantic feeling with my close female friend.
This weekend, I contemplated a bit about my sexuality, because I am currently playing Persona 4 golden. Since I am into persona 4 fandom, I have my favorite pairing, and my favorite gay pairing seems not that popular: Ryotaro Dojima x Yu Narukami. Uncle/Nephew incest fantasy. Yay (or nay?). When I played this game again, it reminds me how I was being indulged in my fantasy when I started playing Persona 4 in 2006.
"People change" or so I thought. Apparently I am not, and I still like this uncle/nephew fantasy, which is practically daddy/boy fantasy one of the most popular gay porn genre out there. Why it's popular? From an article that I read long time ago, it seems archetypal, and could be rooted from the pederastry in the ancient roman where everyone was basically a bisexual. A young male would have an older male lover, and the older male would taught him stuffs, including sex. After the boy became a man by growing public hairs, he was no longer "a boy", and probably would look for a female lover.
For some reason, even though I am 30-something, I still see myself as a "boy" who needs a "daddy". I just recently realized that most of guys that I dated were older than me. The oldest guy that I met was like twice my age, but he lied about his age. I tried to date younger guys, but somehow it feels weird for me. There was a lack of chemistry (the reverse was true when I dated girls)
I talk to some people that I met on LGBT internet forum, everyone said "it's okay to have an age preference", but somehow I am really worried about my psychology. Is this a permanent state? What would happen if I keep attracted to older guys even after I reach 40? 50? You wouldn't believe how many single people on gay dating apps out there - and ageism is real - once you are still single in 50-60 you practically will die alone. I am trying to avoid that fate. Those thoughts keep me awake at nights, and sometimes I feel disgusted and embarrassed with myself. I feel like failing to act on my own age.
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