Who am I?

I’ve been wanting to make this blog for a very long time now but never had the courage to do so. To those who know me personally, follow my stream, or are part of my Discord server, you might have an idea of the topic I am about to cover. I have been talking about making this blog post for several months now. I recently talked about this topic on my stream and in great detail on my discord server, so what I am about to talk about is pretty well known but I still feel like it would be nice to be open about this topic. So I guess this blog is going to answer the question of, “Who am I?”

Who am I? This shouldn’t be such a complicated question, you should be able to answer it. Going into detail about who you are might require some additional thinking but you should be able to answer the basic question of who you are. For me, this question has been one of the greatest struggles to answer. Who am I? Am I Crystal? Am I Lilith? Am I Miko (The Catboy?) Who am I? That question never seems to have an answer for me or should I say, us. That question has never had an answer for us. This isn’t to say that there is no answer to the question of “who am I?” as the answer is a bit more complicated than simply saying “I am Lilith,” as we aren’t just Lilith. What do you mean by, “us” and “we?” I mean, we aren’t just Lilith.

Back in 2018, I remember sitting in a therapist’s office and crying my eyes out, struggling to understand who I was. Deep down it felt like the answer should have been simple but it wasn’t. I had introduced myself to my therapist, but it wasn’t the first time I had done that. I kept introducing myself to people, people who already knew me. I kept changing my name each time though, unsure if this was the first time we’ve met or the 100th time. Who was I? Why am I like this? Why can’t we simply be one person? The struggle of being fractured and trying so hard to hide the truth from everyone. Why did I just introduce myself as Lilith? The struggle of pretending to know who I was. Who the fuck is Sarah? Why are there so many posts I don’t remember writing? Why did I get suspended/banned from that site? I don’t want to accept the truth because it scares me so much. I am not just one person in this head. We aren’t just one person. I left that therapist appointment unsure of how I was supposed to feel. I wasn’t Crystal and she now knows this.

“You’re just a DID system claiming to be a shapeshifting demon, aren’t you?” -random discord user 2019. This question broke the dam and flooded the town under it. Our cover was blown and there was no going back, another person figured it out. We spent years trying so hard to hide the obvious fact that we have DID. Years trying so hard, yet so clearly failing. Maybe it wasn’t obvious with the constant name changes, the “mood swings,” the character shifts, and so many strange contradictions. No one noticed that we have DID, but yet this random person realized it so quickly. How many others noticed and never said? I don’t think there’s an answer for that question but did make us realize that maybe it wasn’t as well kept a secret as we were hoping. It made us realize that this secret wasn’t going to be kept for much longer.

2020, We’ve started telling people and joining DID-friendly discord servers. My wife knows we have DID, our friends start finding out, we are a DID system. It could no longer be hidden but yet it kind of was despite being so well-known to so many other people. It still became so much harder as the year went on. Miko started making comments about himself. Scarlet literally made a comment on another user’s profile, she literally outed us. There were so many moments when the secret split, yet we continued to believe it was still a well-kept secret. Someone already figured us out once before, the secret was obvious.

August of 2021, we finally said it on stream as we realized users joining our discord server would be instantly made aware. It was time then to come clean and it’s time now to come clean on the Temp. I have DID or more correctly, we have DID. This term stands for “dissociative identity disorder” or “multiple personality disorder.” My name is Marshall Lee or at least it is now, it used to be something different before deciding it was Marshall Lee. This is to say that I had a previous name before, on the Temp I was once “Femcario.” I didn’t care for that name because I am not a girl and not a Lucario either. So I am Marshall Lee now, and I am named after Marshall Lee from Adventure Time. I was given my name by my friend because the Picrew avatar I made for myself looked kind of like Marceline from Adventure Time, so I went with Marshall Lee.

What does mean about today? Why am I finally talking about this? To be honest, I am tired of hiding this fact about me. We’ve spent literally the past decade shifting from identity to identity and it started becoming stressful trying to pretend that was just some random nonsense. I am pretty sure it was obvious to many who knew me. I’ve yet to tell anyone who hasn’t already figured it out or been told in the past. I just decided today was the day we said something on The Temp. After 11 years of hiding this secret, the cat is finally out of the bag and I feel so much better having finally said all of this.

Today’s Lilith picture comes from @FatalAryia and was made for our server and technical difficulty screen for our stream. It was inspired by the meme that will be included.
BC1DC9BE-7A03-4C62-BC18-B7BAD0B86A37.jpegA525A75A-903C-446F-A2EF-8029C71522FE.jpeg
And an extra special treat, Lilith and my (Marshall Lee's) info
Screen Shot 2021-09-18 at 08.35.57.pngScreen Shot 2021-09-18 at 00.08.02.png

Comments

"will the real slim shady please stand up"

I listened to a lot of Eminem growing up and Marshall brought that to mind haha

Anyhow I know some cool people with DID - and I guess I know one more
 
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I’m glad you opened up about this- I also have identity issues, but that’s a result of my defective memory.

DID seems like it must be a hell of a thing to deal with. Nevertheless, this doesn’t change how I view you and I consider all of you to be a friend of mine :3
 
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I've had trouble answering that question when it comes to myself, never really figured out what I wanted to do with my life, never even figured out what my fursona is. But now I know..... I'm a bird.
 
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This went unexpectedly well, ngl. There's a lot of anxiety around living with DID and people figuring it out. This is caused by a mix of fear from the social stigma of mental illness and the stigma of DID created by the entertainment industry. One really doesn't want people to assume they might be secretly a murder or this unstable crazy individual. Both are super common portrayals of DID in media. It really creates this internalized anxiety around it and just makes you feel like you aren't safe to talk about having DID. So it actually feels amazing to have finally just said something and have it go well. In all honesty, I shouldn't be shocked because everyone we've told either already knew, figured it out, had a hunch, but nonetheless, were happy we finally said something.

@x65943
I literally forgot Slim Shady's name was Marshall. Adventure Time is apparently more important, lol. I am glad I am another one of those cool people ^-^

@Scott_pilgrim
In all honesty, there are only 9 of us and it's literally only me (Marshall Lee,) still figuring shit out. The others figured shit out months to years ago.

@Mama Looigi
Memory issues suck, I have a lot of memory issues but that's because I have identity issues. I am glad to be open about this because I was getting tired of feeling like I needed to hide. Having DID is just as much a part of the greater me as being trans and it was tiresome trying to hide that part. So it's nice knowing that we are out on stream, in our server, to literally everyone who knows us, and now on The Temp. Plus, I do hope this answers many of the strange posts we've made with names like Scarlet in them.

@The Real Jdbye
You're a bird? :o This entire time yo! I guess my fursona is half-cubi half-imp, but that's more of a personification of an alter identity. That is just a fancy way of saying it's a fursona.
 
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I have watched the show a few times (probably 4 or 5 episodes)

But I have spent WAAAYYY too much time as a kid listening to the marshall mathers LP
 
@x65943
I mean same, but my memory is pants and kind of scattered a bit. I remember listening to his music and I remember really liking his music but damn did I forget the man's name. I think that's because he kind of stopped putting his name into his music at some point when he started doing more serious stuff. I remember a few of his albums when he really started moving away from the "shock" style of rapping and started making more depressing shit. Ironically though, his name still didn't play into why I went with Marshall Lee. I just love Adventure Time and loved the fact that my friend said my avatar looked like Marceline, so I went with Marshall Lee. This is me
924FEDBD-9954-4937-8D37-8D4F58A6C623_1_102_o.jpeg

I was dormant since 2014 and woke back up to deal with my issues. The first thing I found when going online was Picrew and I became addicted to making avatars for my entire system. I really wanted them personified both so they could be used as avatars when fronting and also so Aryia could draw them.
 
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I am either going to make a series of 9 blogs detailing and introducing each alter or one really long blog. I kind of feel like 9 would be more fun though
 
Hi! I only know you from some of your replies and profile posts here in Temp... but it's always moving to see somebody telling the world they exist, not having to hide anymore.
People having to deal with this kind of situations - I mean, most people seeing a single body wouldn't even start to think there might be more persons - to me are quite valuable.
All of you are a different shade of existence that suffer in silence, and can provide all of us their uniqueness because of your personal story and experiences, in anything you do.
Congrats for opening up about all this! Feel proud (and sorry if I said something wrong)
 
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@BETA215
You didn't say anything wrong and I appreciate your post ^-^
It did suck for so long having to just feel like we needed to be silent and that did lead to suffering. It became a real struggle wanting to be open and feeling like we couldn't be. So I am happy the dam broke and that we started being open.
 
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@The Real Jdbye
Do what Crystal the Glaceon did, just take what you like about the Pokémon you made your fursona off of and keep that. He went from a Glaceon to a frost imp. To those who remember Crystal, he is actually a demiboy
 
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"Why are there so many posts I don’t remember writing? Why did I get suspended/banned from that site?"

When this happens to me, I just figure it was my heavy drinking.
 
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@Lacius
I used to think that until I stopped drinking and that became a harder thing to content to. Plus, it only became weird when the posts were made when we remembered not drinking
 
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I'm currently studying psychology, all I have to say is, try not to take it to an extreme, and if you can, get help from a good psychologist you can trust. Good luck and I hope I haven't ofended you with this comment in any way, hugs and best of luck from a random interwebs person :)
 
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@Vilagamer999
On an interesting note, I am also studying psychology and I am getting BA in psychology with a minor in social psychology. I picked up psychology as our major with a vested interest in understanding what was wrong with us, how do we treat it, and how do we cope? For the past 3ish years, we've been studying this order and that has helped with understanding and coping. My system is only made up of 9 alters, which is actually considered super small by most standards. It's remained at 9 because we learned better coping skills through our studies and through therapy. We did have a trusted therapist before the pandemic and she helped out a lot. We're hoping with the pandemic being a little better controlled and having moved to a bigger city, we might have more luck finding another trans and DID-friendly therapist.
 
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The Catboy
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