Okay I was thinking about this all day yesterday because I had nothing better to do.
Okay like.
What if, like every Nintendo rep and everyone who worked at Nintendo decided, "You know... I hate the fucking world."
And on that very day they make an announcement to the world that there's a new Zelda game for the Wii.
And they make a mock-up trailer and everything, and the trailer looks amazing and it supposedly shows gameplay footage and it looks like the best game and shit.
And at the end of the trailer, it says, "COMING... TOMORROW" and Miyamoto gets up on stage dances around and says "YESSSS TOOMAHWOAH"
Then they announce that the retail price is FREE. That's right, the new Zelda game will cost everyone the pricetag of FREE, and there were already a billion copies produced and they're ready to be sold.
So, release day comes, and there are lines everywhere people waiting to get their free copy of Zelda, and I assure you that there is enough for everyone in the world, Nintendo made sure of it. And sellers at Toys R Us and Best Buy and Target and everywhere are just throwing dozens and dozens of copies in the air for everyone, and people are fighting over their copies, but they all get their own and hurry back home to toss it into their Wii. But behind it all, the truth is, Nintendo never made a new Zelda game. No, see, everyone at Nintendo fucking hate the world, so instead of packaging millions of new games, they packaged millions of extremely high-power bombs that are detonated when opening the gamecase.
So, like, on release day, there are millions of cases of houses exploding all over the world and millions of people dying. People eventually get what's going on and they realize that Nintendo is a mass murderer. So then the world police or something make their way to Nintendo HQ in Kyoto and confront the guard in the guardhouse at the main entrance. "Where is the Nintendo?!" they ask. "Here is the Nintendo" the guard says as he takes out a pistol and shoots himself once in the head, and the world police are like "OHHH MY GODD!"
Then they enter the HQ and they look everywhere inside but they cannot find a trace of nobody. Then they make their way to the roof to find all the people from Nintendo lined up all at the edge of the roof with blindfolds on and samurai swords. They all simultaneously scream "NINTENDOOOoooo" before performing hara-kiri and falling off the roof. The world police just watch in horror as all the disemboweled bloody squishy bodies hit the ground. They turn and see Shigeru Miyamoto with a grenade in his mouth. He pulls the pin and runs towards the edge of the building screaming "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH" and believing he could fly, he jumps off, arms spread like wings, but naturally human beings could not fly, so he falls to the ground in the pile of blood and gore and bodies, and in that moment, he explodes so hard, there's blood and body parts like fucking everywhere, like it's raining gore man.
And that is the end of the wonderful videogame company known as Nintendo.
So guys, what if that?
Okay like.
What if, like every Nintendo rep and everyone who worked at Nintendo decided, "You know... I hate the fucking world."
And on that very day they make an announcement to the world that there's a new Zelda game for the Wii.
And they make a mock-up trailer and everything, and the trailer looks amazing and it supposedly shows gameplay footage and it looks like the best game and shit.
And at the end of the trailer, it says, "COMING... TOMORROW" and Miyamoto gets up on stage dances around and says "YESSSS TOOMAHWOAH"
Then they announce that the retail price is FREE. That's right, the new Zelda game will cost everyone the pricetag of FREE, and there were already a billion copies produced and they're ready to be sold.
So, release day comes, and there are lines everywhere people waiting to get their free copy of Zelda, and I assure you that there is enough for everyone in the world, Nintendo made sure of it. And sellers at Toys R Us and Best Buy and Target and everywhere are just throwing dozens and dozens of copies in the air for everyone, and people are fighting over their copies, but they all get their own and hurry back home to toss it into their Wii. But behind it all, the truth is, Nintendo never made a new Zelda game. No, see, everyone at Nintendo fucking hate the world, so instead of packaging millions of new games, they packaged millions of extremely high-power bombs that are detonated when opening the gamecase.
So, like, on release day, there are millions of cases of houses exploding all over the world and millions of people dying. People eventually get what's going on and they realize that Nintendo is a mass murderer. So then the world police or something make their way to Nintendo HQ in Kyoto and confront the guard in the guardhouse at the main entrance. "Where is the Nintendo?!" they ask. "Here is the Nintendo" the guard says as he takes out a pistol and shoots himself once in the head, and the world police are like "OHHH MY GODD!"
Then they enter the HQ and they look everywhere inside but they cannot find a trace of nobody. Then they make their way to the roof to find all the people from Nintendo lined up all at the edge of the roof with blindfolds on and samurai swords. They all simultaneously scream "NINTENDOOOoooo" before performing hara-kiri and falling off the roof. The world police just watch in horror as all the disemboweled bloody squishy bodies hit the ground. They turn and see Shigeru Miyamoto with a grenade in his mouth. He pulls the pin and runs towards the edge of the building screaming "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH" and believing he could fly, he jumps off, arms spread like wings, but naturally human beings could not fly, so he falls to the ground in the pile of blood and gore and bodies, and in that moment, he explodes so hard, there's blood and body parts like fucking everywhere, like it's raining gore man.
And that is the end of the wonderful videogame company known as Nintendo.
So guys, what if that?
