I have friends that keep bothering me about hanging out with them. They always seem to ask me when I'm in the library hitting the books(where I am most of the time). They are the type of friends that won't take no for an answer. I keep telling them, "I need to study." or "I got a lot of reading to do.". I just don't understand why they won't take my "No" for an answer. I don't want to play that "guilty" card on them like I did with my best friend(the one who went to the military). Plus, it seems like they're always playing around and are not taking school seriously. I despise people like that. People who rather mess around rather than study. People who encourages others to play with them over study. They're wasting my time, but they won't leave me alone. I've told them several times "Hey, this isn't amateur hour. We're in college.", but they just shrug it off by saying "Why are you studying so much?? You've been sitting here all day, don't you think you're done??". No, I can never study too much or be done studying. They don't understand what is at stake for me right now.
I have three older siblings(Oldest brother, older and only sister, and another older brother, whose younger than my sister). They all went to college. My two brothers fucked up big time by spending all their time playing video games, causing them to get kicked out. Only my sister was able to graduate from college with a bachelor degree. My two brothers getting kicked out made my father angry. He had high hopes for the three of them(especially my oldest brother because... he's the oldest). Ever since I was in high school, my father was always paying attention to my three older siblings because they were in college. He never payed attention to me in high school, only my mom(who went to my award shows and after school programs). I always felt like he forgot me, and payed more attention to my older siblings. Throughout high school, the struggles that my two brothers had in college were showing up. He payed even less attention to me now because all his attention went towards my brothers. They got kicked out of college. My father was extremely disappointed at them(especially at my oldest brother). At this time, he had lost hope for us kids in the family(even though my sister had successfully graduated from college, while the sons had failed to do so). At this point, I was already entering college. He tells me that I'm his last hope. He tells me that he noticed how he neglected my presence when I was in high school. So now, his full attention is riding on me. He tells me to never be like my older brothers and play around in college. I was never mad at him for neglecting me in high school. I knew that my brothers needed him more than I did at that time. I never had a feeling of hate towards at my father or my brothers. Just jealously at my brothers, how they had his attention. How he always asked them if they did well in school, if they ate well, if they needed money. How my three older siblings had the chance of a lifetime to experience college to the fullest by living at the dorms in college. While I am stuck at home and commute to the local college. But, it is just jealousy that I have at them. Never to experience the independent feeling of being in college. It's because of my two brothers that made my father afraid of my failure and kept me close to monitor my education. Again, I'm never had a feeling of hatred towards my family members, and I understand my father's decision of keeping my close. Because I'm his last chance of his sons succeeding in college.
So I have a lot at stake right now. I always wanted my father to watch me, and now he is. But, there are people that want to play and mess around in college. They want me to play and be with them. And they won't take no for an answer. I despise those type of people, who rather play than work constantly. So I have decided if I have to, I will abandon my friends and social life to pursue my education. I could care less what happens to me mentally. I know friends are there for a reason. To comfort and relieve stress. To be able to relate things with. But if this continues, then friends means nothing to me, but an annoyance. I'm okay with being a loner in college because I spend most of my time in the library by myself. Friends will just be some distraction for me. Because I now have something that I always longed for, someone to watch me be successful, I am willing to throw away my friends so I can be successful.
Even if I am success and don't have anyone to share my success with, I am okay with that. I was successful while my father was watching me.
(I know this was a long rant. I have a best friend (who went to a different college and dorms there) agree with my ideals. I just wanted to say what has been in my mind for a long time now. People may not agree with my decision, but I'm okay with it.)
I have three older siblings(Oldest brother, older and only sister, and another older brother, whose younger than my sister). They all went to college. My two brothers fucked up big time by spending all their time playing video games, causing them to get kicked out. Only my sister was able to graduate from college with a bachelor degree. My two brothers getting kicked out made my father angry. He had high hopes for the three of them(especially my oldest brother because... he's the oldest). Ever since I was in high school, my father was always paying attention to my three older siblings because they were in college. He never payed attention to me in high school, only my mom(who went to my award shows and after school programs). I always felt like he forgot me, and payed more attention to my older siblings. Throughout high school, the struggles that my two brothers had in college were showing up. He payed even less attention to me now because all his attention went towards my brothers. They got kicked out of college. My father was extremely disappointed at them(especially at my oldest brother). At this time, he had lost hope for us kids in the family(even though my sister had successfully graduated from college, while the sons had failed to do so). At this point, I was already entering college. He tells me that I'm his last hope. He tells me that he noticed how he neglected my presence when I was in high school. So now, his full attention is riding on me. He tells me to never be like my older brothers and play around in college. I was never mad at him for neglecting me in high school. I knew that my brothers needed him more than I did at that time. I never had a feeling of hate towards at my father or my brothers. Just jealously at my brothers, how they had his attention. How he always asked them if they did well in school, if they ate well, if they needed money. How my three older siblings had the chance of a lifetime to experience college to the fullest by living at the dorms in college. While I am stuck at home and commute to the local college. But, it is just jealousy that I have at them. Never to experience the independent feeling of being in college. It's because of my two brothers that made my father afraid of my failure and kept me close to monitor my education. Again, I'm never had a feeling of hatred towards my family members, and I understand my father's decision of keeping my close. Because I'm his last chance of his sons succeeding in college.
So I have a lot at stake right now. I always wanted my father to watch me, and now he is. But, there are people that want to play and mess around in college. They want me to play and be with them. And they won't take no for an answer. I despise those type of people, who rather play than work constantly. So I have decided if I have to, I will abandon my friends and social life to pursue my education. I could care less what happens to me mentally. I know friends are there for a reason. To comfort and relieve stress. To be able to relate things with. But if this continues, then friends means nothing to me, but an annoyance. I'm okay with being a loner in college because I spend most of my time in the library by myself. Friends will just be some distraction for me. Because I now have something that I always longed for, someone to watch me be successful, I am willing to throw away my friends so I can be successful.
Even if I am success and don't have anyone to share my success with, I am okay with that. I was successful while my father was watching me.
(I know this was a long rant. I have a best friend (who went to a different college and dorms there) agree with my ideals. I just wanted to say what has been in my mind for a long time now. People may not agree with my decision, but I'm okay with it.)
