I been talking to my mom, she tells me things I may not know or remembered when i was young. She tells me of how i used to have personal teacher for learning and speech related reasons. She had pictures of people i can't recognize clearly. Another thing i do remember is that having growing up in school, having friends was not part of my life. I used to get picked upon all the time, bullied into things, peer pressure and such, mocked and other such things. At young ages, is not easy to understand. Watching others do it look so easy, trying it yourself and getting less than stellar results is disappointing, each grade, was a different threat, it gets worst not better. There times where i wasn't even in class, i was always in counsoler office, i was even assisting principal or the dean, not to be confused, i wasn't in trouble, it was more of a reason to occupy my time that i wasn't in class cause of conflict. It was simply stuff to do since i wasn't in class. I still had time to learn none the less.
During middle school, there been times where select people (not sure who they are) Would spectate the classes i was part of. I'm not quite sure why or what the thing was but it was done. There been a class labled "Speech" on my scheudel. While i am not sure if others from different places had such things, this was not a common class. Instead of class with more than 15-30 people, it was just me, and sometimes a guest. Whatever it was, the person would just teach me english. Find it confusing as i already had a Language arts class, which was my.... english class. I learn how to read, write creatively, using words, synonyms, antonyms, homophones, phonics, and such.... you get the idea right? This class was not like that. It was basically a easier lesson than what i was already getting. But i didn't know the teacher pays especially close attention to me in more than my obviously simple and easy responses. I only spent one year in that grade at the school before moving to high school.
At this time i was 8th grade in highschool, it wasn't the common classroom, prior to going there, i had been visiting a doctor, more than one in fact. A psychologist, and psychiatrist. If i am right, one perscribe medicine to help improve mentality related issues, the other is only a observer and study the persons thought processing. I was only 12 at the time and somehow came to the conslusion of Aspergers syndrome. I was 12, to retain most of the idea of this wasn't easy concept for young people. There been many times with the idea of "Lacking friends, social skills, keeping focus etc." Other common elements about those things, when being explained, that had made less sens to me. The thing i understand is that someone said i have a actual problem. My mom at the time didn't understand the concept of it either, but to me the way i saw it is that because i had conflict with people, because i had problems making friends, because i had issues with stuff like focus, if i had friends, had no problems with communication, perhaps the idea of asperger in me would have been unnoticed by longer time period.
If i am confusing let me try to explain. I had issue making friends. The doctor says it could be related to aspergers, I have issues communication, related to aspergers, Focus issues, aspergers related. So if i had normal school life with friends, easy communication, ability to focus, doctors may have more trouble routing my problems to aspergers. My perspective is why is that they have mentioned it several times to me? Had they been there and the ones understanding what is going on, i was the victim in these situation, it was a form of abuse, that is what bullying is. Has anyone try to reason with, talk to, or even plead with a bully? Telling someone like "Sticks and stones" comment is basically about a mentaility issue. The person with strong will can avoid negative impact of words yes, but it doesn't mean words doesn't hurt. It hurts if you let it. But you can't stop someone from hurting you if they decide to, is a decision and option a individual makes and you can't control such things. Basically what one could think of this, is perhaps i don't believe in aspegers, to be honest i felt that doctors came to that based off events that has happend. Had it happened differently, the perhaps it may been ignored. The thing i still wondered is how is it i was the only subject on the matter when i know others was involved with the reason why the problems occur in the first place, i can only keep trying to change not having friends but it only a random factor that can change and depending on the outcome of things.
During highschool, i had been schooled in a more toned down area for such common disorders, it was class of 6 maximum, and 2 Teachers, It was a small school with a limit of 80 people i think. at 12 years old in highschool, wow. Perhaps it could be better for me compared to others. At the time i was still seeing psychiatrist... the one with medicine. I was taking some of them, one was called concerta, it helped aspergers in terms of fixing focus problems or some other stuff i don't remember. Second was zoloft. What many call the "Happy medicine" Cause it was for depression. The third was called Gendon, not quite sure what it did, but it came in a weird shaped capsule like the ones from Dragon ball that bulma had. The other two was like Seltzer water tablets. weather or not they helped me, i dunno. I didn't like taking them, i didn't like the idea of relying on that stuff, not cause i didn't believe it will not work, but cause i didn't believe in aspergers nor understand it. (i was a 12 year old so just something it wasn't simple to know) Plus it tasted awful and had trouble swallowing.
I don't take it anymore. After i graduated highschool i personally requested not to and was given clearence. Another thing i haven't mentioned was some of the testing i had done. Either by doctor or teacher. They had the weird test like the optical illusions, you know, 3D ink patterens that look like butterfly with wings you can pinch, Asking me what kind of animal i would wanna be if i was reincarnated, as if i had thought about it before. Reading quizzes question and asking me to solve riddles, or memory test, building blocks with shapes, and other such bizzare things. whatever reasons for it was, perhaps a IQ test. Or was to help further study of the theory of my aspergers. I didn't like the idea of relying on excsues especially one that sound so negative as aspergers syndrome. Perhaps in my mind, i want to proove something i didn't have to, like I don't have aspergers, i didn't need medicine and that i am normal. I dunno since it was long time ago.
Is been over 10 years ago, since those times of discovering what aspegers is or if i have it or not. The current status now is i'm not a kid anymore, I can understand things bit better. I have been diagnosed with Both ADHD and aspergers syndrome, My thoughts, still as they once was. (First impression is important) Perhaps my opinions will change. I do know my condition is not as severe as others could be, another thing is for having such experiences you would think perhaps time will mold differently for the bettter. If anything, i do have better knowledge, understanding, more open to things as i wasn't before. I personally have gotten better, except my situation with communication and socialzing has not. I Still have the issue of manintaing a relationship with people (No i don't mean as lovers, i mean as any common one, friendship, aquaintance, peer to peer co--work) have trouble conveying what i want people to understand when i speak. Perhaps is the words i choose to use, or how is arranged, I have trouble understanding others so is double standard. Leading to more problems and conflict i wasn't ready or prepared for. Noticing change in some areas of my life i guess is good. I dunno what more to say except i did lack to mention social interaction enough to undersand my POV.
I do like to point out some things here, while talking to majority of people here, i know there is many conflicts with them. All i am doing is addressing the "Elephant in the room" There times i'm not happy, they may not be happy with me, misunderstandings, stuff someone says gets flamed. I just want to apologize for it. I Talked to some people who helps me find comfort.
@mashers wisdom in the matter of communication and knowlege of aspergers syndrome is relief to know others either support or have their own personal struggles that helps me too. I don't just mean that we both have common probelms related to the disorder, but it can be others such as dyslexia, bipolair, and other such things. The personality traits of these disoders i feel deserve respect as they help see things others sometime are oblivious to. @chary has a certain personality i like that fits with me, being able to speak about opinions and joke without conflict is relief for me and in someway a escape that i feel okay with. Is lot better than other things like drinking or drugs. Able to have conversation and easy understanding is a nice thing. @Crystal the Glaceon has lots of experience and phlisophy with social interaction, she has understanding of things that i never thought to come across on my own and helps me see new things i didn't notice before. Her opinions and comments in discussions are never considered hostile or in terms of "Shots fired" As offensive, and jokes also help with relief.
There is more i could mention but i don't often talk to many people for kinda the reasons i already explained. I don't mean i don't wanna try, cause i do. I just sometimes don't feel motivated to do it as often cause of disappointing results in past attempts, so it kinda sometimes spontaneous motivation to do these things. I want to believe that aspergers is not related to most of my social problems, i want to believe that i can do things without thinking "Maybe the doctors are right about me" I want to be able to say everyone is possible of breakthrough. But the fact, relaites, is.... is it true, or not. Can it be done? While many people have different results, is very random. But i like to know myself if others have any kinds of struggles related to such things i talked about here.
During middle school, there been times where select people (not sure who they are) Would spectate the classes i was part of. I'm not quite sure why or what the thing was but it was done. There been a class labled "Speech" on my scheudel. While i am not sure if others from different places had such things, this was not a common class. Instead of class with more than 15-30 people, it was just me, and sometimes a guest. Whatever it was, the person would just teach me english. Find it confusing as i already had a Language arts class, which was my.... english class. I learn how to read, write creatively, using words, synonyms, antonyms, homophones, phonics, and such.... you get the idea right? This class was not like that. It was basically a easier lesson than what i was already getting. But i didn't know the teacher pays especially close attention to me in more than my obviously simple and easy responses. I only spent one year in that grade at the school before moving to high school.
At this time i was 8th grade in highschool, it wasn't the common classroom, prior to going there, i had been visiting a doctor, more than one in fact. A psychologist, and psychiatrist. If i am right, one perscribe medicine to help improve mentality related issues, the other is only a observer and study the persons thought processing. I was only 12 at the time and somehow came to the conslusion of Aspergers syndrome. I was 12, to retain most of the idea of this wasn't easy concept for young people. There been many times with the idea of "Lacking friends, social skills, keeping focus etc." Other common elements about those things, when being explained, that had made less sens to me. The thing i understand is that someone said i have a actual problem. My mom at the time didn't understand the concept of it either, but to me the way i saw it is that because i had conflict with people, because i had problems making friends, because i had issues with stuff like focus, if i had friends, had no problems with communication, perhaps the idea of asperger in me would have been unnoticed by longer time period.
If i am confusing let me try to explain. I had issue making friends. The doctor says it could be related to aspergers, I have issues communication, related to aspergers, Focus issues, aspergers related. So if i had normal school life with friends, easy communication, ability to focus, doctors may have more trouble routing my problems to aspergers. My perspective is why is that they have mentioned it several times to me? Had they been there and the ones understanding what is going on, i was the victim in these situation, it was a form of abuse, that is what bullying is. Has anyone try to reason with, talk to, or even plead with a bully? Telling someone like "Sticks and stones" comment is basically about a mentaility issue. The person with strong will can avoid negative impact of words yes, but it doesn't mean words doesn't hurt. It hurts if you let it. But you can't stop someone from hurting you if they decide to, is a decision and option a individual makes and you can't control such things. Basically what one could think of this, is perhaps i don't believe in aspegers, to be honest i felt that doctors came to that based off events that has happend. Had it happened differently, the perhaps it may been ignored. The thing i still wondered is how is it i was the only subject on the matter when i know others was involved with the reason why the problems occur in the first place, i can only keep trying to change not having friends but it only a random factor that can change and depending on the outcome of things.
During highschool, i had been schooled in a more toned down area for such common disorders, it was class of 6 maximum, and 2 Teachers, It was a small school with a limit of 80 people i think. at 12 years old in highschool, wow. Perhaps it could be better for me compared to others. At the time i was still seeing psychiatrist... the one with medicine. I was taking some of them, one was called concerta, it helped aspergers in terms of fixing focus problems or some other stuff i don't remember. Second was zoloft. What many call the "Happy medicine" Cause it was for depression. The third was called Gendon, not quite sure what it did, but it came in a weird shaped capsule like the ones from Dragon ball that bulma had. The other two was like Seltzer water tablets. weather or not they helped me, i dunno. I didn't like taking them, i didn't like the idea of relying on that stuff, not cause i didn't believe it will not work, but cause i didn't believe in aspergers nor understand it. (i was a 12 year old so just something it wasn't simple to know) Plus it tasted awful and had trouble swallowing.
I don't take it anymore. After i graduated highschool i personally requested not to and was given clearence. Another thing i haven't mentioned was some of the testing i had done. Either by doctor or teacher. They had the weird test like the optical illusions, you know, 3D ink patterens that look like butterfly with wings you can pinch, Asking me what kind of animal i would wanna be if i was reincarnated, as if i had thought about it before. Reading quizzes question and asking me to solve riddles, or memory test, building blocks with shapes, and other such bizzare things. whatever reasons for it was, perhaps a IQ test. Or was to help further study of the theory of my aspergers. I didn't like the idea of relying on excsues especially one that sound so negative as aspergers syndrome. Perhaps in my mind, i want to proove something i didn't have to, like I don't have aspergers, i didn't need medicine and that i am normal. I dunno since it was long time ago.
Is been over 10 years ago, since those times of discovering what aspegers is or if i have it or not. The current status now is i'm not a kid anymore, I can understand things bit better. I have been diagnosed with Both ADHD and aspergers syndrome, My thoughts, still as they once was. (First impression is important) Perhaps my opinions will change. I do know my condition is not as severe as others could be, another thing is for having such experiences you would think perhaps time will mold differently for the bettter. If anything, i do have better knowledge, understanding, more open to things as i wasn't before. I personally have gotten better, except my situation with communication and socialzing has not. I Still have the issue of manintaing a relationship with people (No i don't mean as lovers, i mean as any common one, friendship, aquaintance, peer to peer co--work) have trouble conveying what i want people to understand when i speak. Perhaps is the words i choose to use, or how is arranged, I have trouble understanding others so is double standard. Leading to more problems and conflict i wasn't ready or prepared for. Noticing change in some areas of my life i guess is good. I dunno what more to say except i did lack to mention social interaction enough to undersand my POV.
I do like to point out some things here, while talking to majority of people here, i know there is many conflicts with them. All i am doing is addressing the "Elephant in the room" There times i'm not happy, they may not be happy with me, misunderstandings, stuff someone says gets flamed. I just want to apologize for it. I Talked to some people who helps me find comfort.
@mashers wisdom in the matter of communication and knowlege of aspergers syndrome is relief to know others either support or have their own personal struggles that helps me too. I don't just mean that we both have common probelms related to the disorder, but it can be others such as dyslexia, bipolair, and other such things. The personality traits of these disoders i feel deserve respect as they help see things others sometime are oblivious to. @chary has a certain personality i like that fits with me, being able to speak about opinions and joke without conflict is relief for me and in someway a escape that i feel okay with. Is lot better than other things like drinking or drugs. Able to have conversation and easy understanding is a nice thing. @Crystal the Glaceon has lots of experience and phlisophy with social interaction, she has understanding of things that i never thought to come across on my own and helps me see new things i didn't notice before. Her opinions and comments in discussions are never considered hostile or in terms of "Shots fired" As offensive, and jokes also help with relief.
There is more i could mention but i don't often talk to many people for kinda the reasons i already explained. I don't mean i don't wanna try, cause i do. I just sometimes don't feel motivated to do it as often cause of disappointing results in past attempts, so it kinda sometimes spontaneous motivation to do these things. I want to believe that aspergers is not related to most of my social problems, i want to believe that i can do things without thinking "Maybe the doctors are right about me" I want to be able to say everyone is possible of breakthrough. But the fact, relaites, is.... is it true, or not. Can it be done? While many people have different results, is very random. But i like to know myself if others have any kinds of struggles related to such things i talked about here.
