If anyone has read my previous blog posts, you would know where I'm at and can skip the next paragraph, otherwise feel free to read.
For one year I have been looking for a job to keep myself alive, upon ultimately finding one in the nick of time - minimum wage retail/sales/stocking/pricing, you get the idea. I should feel grateful, but for whatever reason, probably just snobbiness, I don't.
First off - the job is minimum wage, which after taxes is only 6.25 an hour, or so, and I can only work between 15 and 25 hours per week - that averages around to just over my rent right now - a single room out of a townhouse for 450 - cheapest thing in the area. I allot for about 50 for food per month, and (having grown up in poverty) I'm used to going days without eating, but with no money I have to bike 20 minutes to work every day! Imagine biking in a suit and tie in 100+ degree weather not having eaten in days - not exactly morale boosting.
Now, if that wasn't bad enough, my manager is horrible with schedules - the calendar is a formality to him - I work when he tells me to. Schedule says I'm off Thursday? I'm working all day Thursday and off Friday. I cannot make plans ever. naturally, if you knew me, the only plans I ever have are with my girlfriend. Because of her parents (5pm curfew at age 20 wtf?) And my schedule, we almost never get to see eachother. And the times we do, I just vent about work and blow up when she complains about things (whereas she is in a rich family, no job, not a single real worry - ironic because she has a diagnosed anxiety disorder<as much as I hate those diagnoses...different topic> as well as, sigh, being asexual). Side note: my landlord only allows 2 visits per month, and her parents despise me, so were outside the whole time in 100+ degree weather. I don't mean to be mean to her, and there's no use even trying to justify it - I'm a jerk, that's all there is to it, but I do feel bad. Horribly bad about it. Its just she's my only outlet to anything other than gbatemp. Without beating around the bush, I have no friends, nor do I want them (and evem if I did, just to vent on, I don't really have the time or...money, honestly). Side-note about her being asexual: I can have sex on occassion...maybe once every few months, but its basically just masturbating without someone else enjoying any part of it. Sucks.
Bah, so stressful. If I had it my way, and hadn't fallen in love, I would be dead now anyway, on principle alone. I knew a long time ago that the "real world" sucked like this, and that having a job is essentially entering voluntary social and laborial slavery, and I wanted nothing of the sort. Unfortunately, the only other option was death. I'm no advocate for suicide, but unless there's some utopia out there, not many options exist. Then, like the dumbass I am, I met my girlfriend, and thought that she might make things worth it, so I gave it a try. Now I'm here, want to kill myself, but can't because I don't want her to feel bad (because of death OR breakup...though breakup would hurt me too, not for long though xD). Hate irony so bad.
For one year I have been looking for a job to keep myself alive, upon ultimately finding one in the nick of time - minimum wage retail/sales/stocking/pricing, you get the idea. I should feel grateful, but for whatever reason, probably just snobbiness, I don't.
First off - the job is minimum wage, which after taxes is only 6.25 an hour, or so, and I can only work between 15 and 25 hours per week - that averages around to just over my rent right now - a single room out of a townhouse for 450 - cheapest thing in the area. I allot for about 50 for food per month, and (having grown up in poverty) I'm used to going days without eating, but with no money I have to bike 20 minutes to work every day! Imagine biking in a suit and tie in 100+ degree weather not having eaten in days - not exactly morale boosting.
Now, if that wasn't bad enough, my manager is horrible with schedules - the calendar is a formality to him - I work when he tells me to. Schedule says I'm off Thursday? I'm working all day Thursday and off Friday. I cannot make plans ever. naturally, if you knew me, the only plans I ever have are with my girlfriend. Because of her parents (5pm curfew at age 20 wtf?) And my schedule, we almost never get to see eachother. And the times we do, I just vent about work and blow up when she complains about things (whereas she is in a rich family, no job, not a single real worry - ironic because she has a diagnosed anxiety disorder<as much as I hate those diagnoses...different topic> as well as, sigh, being asexual). Side note: my landlord only allows 2 visits per month, and her parents despise me, so were outside the whole time in 100+ degree weather. I don't mean to be mean to her, and there's no use even trying to justify it - I'm a jerk, that's all there is to it, but I do feel bad. Horribly bad about it. Its just she's my only outlet to anything other than gbatemp. Without beating around the bush, I have no friends, nor do I want them (and evem if I did, just to vent on, I don't really have the time or...money, honestly). Side-note about her being asexual: I can have sex on occassion...maybe once every few months, but its basically just masturbating without someone else enjoying any part of it. Sucks.
Bah, so stressful. If I had it my way, and hadn't fallen in love, I would be dead now anyway, on principle alone. I knew a long time ago that the "real world" sucked like this, and that having a job is essentially entering voluntary social and laborial slavery, and I wanted nothing of the sort. Unfortunately, the only other option was death. I'm no advocate for suicide, but unless there's some utopia out there, not many options exist. Then, like the dumbass I am, I met my girlfriend, and thought that she might make things worth it, so I gave it a try. Now I'm here, want to kill myself, but can't because I don't want her to feel bad (because of death OR breakup...though breakup would hurt me too, not for long though xD). Hate irony so bad.
