––– Continuation of this entry –––
The last entry ended with mentioning gaslighting. Well… of course that is not the only interpretation for the described behavior. Another one is perfection in the art of self-deception¹. Whatever it was/is, I seriously hope that their power trip will end at some point and they get brought back down to earth. Hopefully they will experience some moments where they can’t hide the facts from themselves anymore and feel what they did to me and how loathsome they had treated me. Guess these wishes are all in vain. People like that always get away with anything.
I know I hurt their big ego at some point, when I, the worthless LittleSinchen, not only told but showed them, that they were barking up the wrong tree. They backed the wrong horse and I showed them the facts. From there on I was guilty: Kill the messenger! She brought bad news…²
Now to the next point – or a different topic:
They are dishonest and gutless. When they came picking up the things I stored for them (for free and more than a year), they were really pissed that I didn’t help them carry the boxes (which I had brought to the attic – about ¾ of them at least) and they had the impudence of backbiting me in my own house. It is a HUGE mistake to underestimate my ears and my attention! I sat there playing Ocarina of Time, a bottle of booze on the table. The TV was not very loud and OoT is more or less muscle memory for me. I’ve only had one drink and 1mg of Lorazepam. I had to calm myself down so I chose to drink a glass and take one pill – reason enough to backbite because of the alcohol (which was the first ethanol I drank for months) as well.
I was not able to understand much of what they said, but enough to understand they were backbiting me. Such cowards. Not even enough courage to say it directly to me. I always said and wrote everything directly and never did any backbiting. What’s the point? If you have something to say, then say it. If not… well… then don’t – but don’t backbite.
Did this really happen? Or is this a product of imagination? Yes, it did happen. I’ve had other sources (plural!) confirming my assumption. They sank pretty low and used the word “idiot” and ridiculed some anecdotes from my life. Throwing mud. Pretty low for intelligent people (They are very intelligent!). At least I didn’t hear any words like “asshole”. Seems using that kind of words was too low even for their standards.
=========
Next part: (Yes I know this is not really a coherent writing style. Please be lenient. It is hard for me to write about being taken advantage of – again.)
Did I always behave correctly? No! Nobody does this. Whoever claims such a thing is a big liar. I didn’t always behave good. At least I was always open for discussion and did not kill any discussion (attempt) no later than two minutes after starting while blaming the other side. I really tried my best until it became unbearable. The real “Shit hits the fan!”³-moments were, when I decided to mirror their behavior. Boy, from the day on were I started using more and more of their own phrases and behavior patterns myself, it was over. They couldn’t endure this at all – and blamed me for behaving so badly… oh the irony! This f…ing irony! This was too much for them. (Of course it was never true as well. Of course I didn’t mirror and the situation was always different so that “X” was okay when they did it, but “X” was not okay when I did).
=============
Something broke apart inside me. This was the last time. Craving for friendship I would always make the same mistakes over and over again. There is only one possible solution: Not having any deep social contacts. I will never trust another person again. This was the last time somebody hurt me. If I don’t take risks, I can’t win. The point is: Can’t lose either. Comparing my life before and after this “friendship”, I’ve lost nothing on this but a bit of money. What happened to me was not new and not even the worst I’ve experienced.
My real concern is somebody completely innocent (cannot go into detail here as it is about somebody else). I seriously tried to help and failed. I know what will happen, same thing that always has happened.
As for myself: I’m glad it is over. Another big irony is that he reached out to me after years because he wanted to change how his life went. “…and I got rid of all the energy vampires in my life…” In retrospect I can add my own opinion on this; what he did not say: “… and decided to become one myself.”
That sums up the current situation as well as the majority of my life. Since a few months this is part of my signature on the forum.
I openly confess: My life is a failure. The most appreciation I ever got in my life is here on GBAtemp. As much as I like the forum, I will not lie to myself. It is confession of failure when the best point in life is an internet forum. Yes, I am a loser. Yes, my life is a failure. At least I’m honest, reliable and fair to people.
_________________________
¹ Much of what they did is exactly what George Orwell called “Double Think” in Nineteen Eighty-Four. They were and are able to repeatedly have two completely contradicting opinions in 100% analogue cases within a minute. They can hide any contradiction behind a blind spot.
² They denied that as well. “We aren’t resentful because of this. Only you start bringing on the topic.” Truth is, that I brought on the topic once as a point for claiming a temporal connection: “The friendship started going downhill after that incident.” To me it was open if there was also a causality. While denying any resentments in direct dialogue, I know for sure they were suffering from offended pride because I heard this with my own ears when they were backbiting me.
³ I really love this expression. There is simply no expression in German language that is remotely as good. The perfect metaphor.
The last entry ended with mentioning gaslighting. Well… of course that is not the only interpretation for the described behavior. Another one is perfection in the art of self-deception¹. Whatever it was/is, I seriously hope that their power trip will end at some point and they get brought back down to earth. Hopefully they will experience some moments where they can’t hide the facts from themselves anymore and feel what they did to me and how loathsome they had treated me. Guess these wishes are all in vain. People like that always get away with anything.
I know I hurt their big ego at some point, when I, the worthless LittleSinchen, not only told but showed them, that they were barking up the wrong tree. They backed the wrong horse and I showed them the facts. From there on I was guilty: Kill the messenger! She brought bad news…²
Now to the next point – or a different topic:
They are dishonest and gutless. When they came picking up the things I stored for them (for free and more than a year), they were really pissed that I didn’t help them carry the boxes (which I had brought to the attic – about ¾ of them at least) and they had the impudence of backbiting me in my own house. It is a HUGE mistake to underestimate my ears and my attention! I sat there playing Ocarina of Time, a bottle of booze on the table. The TV was not very loud and OoT is more or less muscle memory for me. I’ve only had one drink and 1mg of Lorazepam. I had to calm myself down so I chose to drink a glass and take one pill – reason enough to backbite because of the alcohol (which was the first ethanol I drank for months) as well.
I was not able to understand much of what they said, but enough to understand they were backbiting me. Such cowards. Not even enough courage to say it directly to me. I always said and wrote everything directly and never did any backbiting. What’s the point? If you have something to say, then say it. If not… well… then don’t – but don’t backbite.
Did this really happen? Or is this a product of imagination? Yes, it did happen. I’ve had other sources (plural!) confirming my assumption. They sank pretty low and used the word “idiot” and ridiculed some anecdotes from my life. Throwing mud. Pretty low for intelligent people (They are very intelligent!). At least I didn’t hear any words like “asshole”. Seems using that kind of words was too low even for their standards.
I didn’t really think about it before everything went downhill. Now that I do think about things they told me… it could have been a warning sign. They explicitly told me about the sexual fetish/fantasy/obsession of a person I don’t know. How can somebody do this? Casually talk about other people’s sexual fantasies. Thankfully I don’t have a sex life so there is nothing to tell about me in this regard. Mhmm. If they really want to, they could tell some anecdotes about me, omit important details and make a big moron out of me (or even put a sexual component into some nonsense I use to say or even sing when bored). Hopefully I’m more the unimportant “not worth to even think about or mention”-person for them.
Next part: (Yes I know this is not really a coherent writing style. Please be lenient. It is hard for me to write about being taken advantage of – again.)
Did I always behave correctly? No! Nobody does this. Whoever claims such a thing is a big liar. I didn’t always behave good. At least I was always open for discussion and did not kill any discussion (attempt) no later than two minutes after starting while blaming the other side. I really tried my best until it became unbearable. The real “Shit hits the fan!”³-moments were, when I decided to mirror their behavior. Boy, from the day on were I started using more and more of their own phrases and behavior patterns myself, it was over. They couldn’t endure this at all – and blamed me for behaving so badly… oh the irony! This f…ing irony! This was too much for them. (Of course it was never true as well. Of course I didn’t mirror and the situation was always different so that “X” was okay when they did it, but “X” was not okay when I did).
Geez! Face the facts at least once! You profited from me and my efforts in physical and intellectual things that it beggars all description.
Now you have the impertinence to complain about me… Good lord!
Now you have the impertinence to complain about me… Good lord!
=============
Something broke apart inside me. This was the last time. Craving for friendship I would always make the same mistakes over and over again. There is only one possible solution: Not having any deep social contacts. I will never trust another person again. This was the last time somebody hurt me. If I don’t take risks, I can’t win. The point is: Can’t lose either. Comparing my life before and after this “friendship”, I’ve lost nothing on this but a bit of money. What happened to me was not new and not even the worst I’ve experienced.
My real concern is somebody completely innocent (cannot go into detail here as it is about somebody else). I seriously tried to help and failed. I know what will happen, same thing that always has happened.
As for myself: I’m glad it is over. Another big irony is that he reached out to me after years because he wanted to change how his life went. “…and I got rid of all the energy vampires in my life…” In retrospect I can add my own opinion on this; what he did not say: “… and decided to become one myself.”
From now on my slogan is:
“No good deed goes unpunished.”
“No good deed goes unpunished.”
That sums up the current situation as well as the majority of my life. Since a few months this is part of my signature on the forum.
I openly confess: My life is a failure. The most appreciation I ever got in my life is here on GBAtemp. As much as I like the forum, I will not lie to myself. It is confession of failure when the best point in life is an internet forum. Yes, I am a loser. Yes, my life is a failure. At least I’m honest, reliable and fair to people.
I will continue doing my best on GBAtemp.
I have said and written my former friends everything in this blog entry multiple times directly. Not backbiting myself. One small exception is this spoiler. I didn’t tell them this for a reason:
Okay. The little bonus story:
October 2020, I had my regular appointment with the psychiatrist. Her reaction was worth gold. I started describing what happened (the details will not go online) and after only three sentences, she lost her professional distance for some seconds. “No, that can’t be!” she screamed “They can’t do […]”.
Again, a psychiatrist, hearing extreme stuff every day, lost her cool and professionalism after three sentences for some seconds. My personal life story – surely not an easy topic – wasn’t able to do this. In fact, in years I’ve never seen her like this.
January 2021, on the next appointment, I told her, how it continued. She didn’t lose cool this time. But then I did something she didn’t expect. I told her my psychiatric diagnosis, my opinion on my former friends. As a doctor she knows that she may not do telediagnosis. She didn’t answer my claim. But she smiled. I could see her smile despite the large FFP2 mask covering her face. A very slight nod and then she said: “You can’t do anything about it.” I agreed.
Now, one may think that I told the doctor a cock-and-bull story. Well… I don’t care if anybody believes me; I just told her what happened to the best of my knowledge.
- If my diagnosis is objectively wrong, it would obviously do no good.
- If my diagnosis is objectively correct, they would still not accept it and it would have made the same mischief as if it was wrong.
Okay. The little bonus story:
October 2020, I had my regular appointment with the psychiatrist. Her reaction was worth gold. I started describing what happened (the details will not go online) and after only three sentences, she lost her professional distance for some seconds. “No, that can’t be!” she screamed “They can’t do […]”.
Again, a psychiatrist, hearing extreme stuff every day, lost her cool and professionalism after three sentences for some seconds. My personal life story – surely not an easy topic – wasn’t able to do this. In fact, in years I’ve never seen her like this.
January 2021, on the next appointment, I told her, how it continued. She didn’t lose cool this time. But then I did something she didn’t expect. I told her my psychiatric diagnosis, my opinion on my former friends. As a doctor she knows that she may not do telediagnosis. She didn’t answer my claim. But she smiled. I could see her smile despite the large FFP2 mask covering her face. A very slight nod and then she said: “You can’t do anything about it.” I agreed.
Now, one may think that I told the doctor a cock-and-bull story. Well… I don’t care if anybody believes me; I just told her what happened to the best of my knowledge.
_________________________
¹ Much of what they did is exactly what George Orwell called “Double Think” in Nineteen Eighty-Four. They were and are able to repeatedly have two completely contradicting opinions in 100% analogue cases within a minute. They can hide any contradiction behind a blind spot.
² They denied that as well. “We aren’t resentful because of this. Only you start bringing on the topic.” Truth is, that I brought on the topic once as a point for claiming a temporal connection: “The friendship started going downhill after that incident.” To me it was open if there was also a causality. While denying any resentments in direct dialogue, I know for sure they were suffering from offended pride because I heard this with my own ears when they were backbiting me.
³ I really love this expression. There is simply no expression in German language that is remotely as good. The perfect metaphor.
