Astute readers of my blog (probably 2 people out there) will note that I carved a stamp for my cousins upcoming wedding. My cousin is getting married, and it seems like an all out affair. Even her wedding shower was pretty swanky with tons of good food, good booze and my distant cousins enjoying it all. It was pretty swanky, and her little sister pulled it off with aplomb too - and I still remember the great chocolate fountains she had there too.
However, I digress. My cousin announced her engagement last year, and it pretty much progressed pretty quickly. (Her marriage is coming up this weekend, and well...I'm feeling a bit bitter.) She announced it to all of my relatives that were in Canada and even to the ones who weren't. I'm technically engaged to my girlfriend, and I will probably be until I finish university and start a new life with her.
I'm basically bitter that I basically can't even talk to my parents about the fact that I'm in love and elated about it. I remember at my cousin's engagement party (yes, it was pretty damn swank) that I basically spent the time frowning into my food and talking to two cousins from the "other side of the tracks". The cousins were both swanky engineers in training and from the other side of the country. I even have a photo in which I'm posing with my cousin and she had to tell me to smile. (I'm not proud of it - I was just so bitter at the time that I couldn't see anything but green.) My cousin basically told the world that she's getting married and that her husband to be was the greatest thing since sliced bread.
My cousin is very nice, although. She told her mother (my aunt, my father's sister) that I was engaged too. Her mother reacted pretty well to that, and even gave me a rare hug (we aren't a very physical family) and said "she'd support me in everything I do". Which was a pretty big tell for the fact that my cousin told her mother about my engagement.
Everyone is helping out the bride. Her mother, her father, the groom's mother and father, and even her friends are helping her out with the different problems that arise. I'm frustrated because I can't even talk to my girlfriend on the phone without my mother getting up in my face about it. And the fact that my girlfriend has to use different voices and everything to hide from my mother.
My dad..well, I think he knows that I'm seeing someone from the United States. And that the person I'm seeing is another girl. He wishes me well, and seems to wish for my happiness. Mother on the other hand, is newly religious, and has said to me that "she'd never accept my lesbianism" and that "I'd grow out of it". (Mom, it's been almost a fucking decade when I came out of the closet - give me a break when I used to have a crush on Leonardo DiCaprio, the guy looks like a girl, for fuck's sake.)
And to make it worse, my mother thinks that I'm some sort of sexual maniac (I think the word is nymphomaniac) for being with women solely for the fact that they are more sexually "advanced". And also the fact that my mother thinks paradoxically, that women can't have sex together because they don't have penises/penii...(pssst...she thinks it's mutual masturbation...)
It's so frustrating that my life consists of lying to my mother, being forced to keep quiet when my mother says something stupidly homophobic, and hiding half of my life away. There is a reason why they call it being in the closet, and I want out - it smells like mothballs and desperation in here.
Edit: I'm probably going to drink to get buzzed during her wedding. I know I sound extremely selfish, but hey, I'm allowed to. She has the full support of everyone in her social circle and more (including me), and I'm just feeling like shit being she's happy and allowed to show it. Kind of paradoxical, that I'm happy for her, but not happy that she's happy and allowed to be happy.
However, I digress. My cousin announced her engagement last year, and it pretty much progressed pretty quickly. (Her marriage is coming up this weekend, and well...I'm feeling a bit bitter.) She announced it to all of my relatives that were in Canada and even to the ones who weren't. I'm technically engaged to my girlfriend, and I will probably be until I finish university and start a new life with her.
I'm basically bitter that I basically can't even talk to my parents about the fact that I'm in love and elated about it. I remember at my cousin's engagement party (yes, it was pretty damn swank) that I basically spent the time frowning into my food and talking to two cousins from the "other side of the tracks". The cousins were both swanky engineers in training and from the other side of the country. I even have a photo in which I'm posing with my cousin and she had to tell me to smile. (I'm not proud of it - I was just so bitter at the time that I couldn't see anything but green.) My cousin basically told the world that she's getting married and that her husband to be was the greatest thing since sliced bread.
My cousin is very nice, although. She told her mother (my aunt, my father's sister) that I was engaged too. Her mother reacted pretty well to that, and even gave me a rare hug (we aren't a very physical family) and said "she'd support me in everything I do". Which was a pretty big tell for the fact that my cousin told her mother about my engagement.
Everyone is helping out the bride. Her mother, her father, the groom's mother and father, and even her friends are helping her out with the different problems that arise. I'm frustrated because I can't even talk to my girlfriend on the phone without my mother getting up in my face about it. And the fact that my girlfriend has to use different voices and everything to hide from my mother.
My dad..well, I think he knows that I'm seeing someone from the United States. And that the person I'm seeing is another girl. He wishes me well, and seems to wish for my happiness. Mother on the other hand, is newly religious, and has said to me that "she'd never accept my lesbianism" and that "I'd grow out of it". (Mom, it's been almost a fucking decade when I came out of the closet - give me a break when I used to have a crush on Leonardo DiCaprio, the guy looks like a girl, for fuck's sake.)
And to make it worse, my mother thinks that I'm some sort of sexual maniac (I think the word is nymphomaniac) for being with women solely for the fact that they are more sexually "advanced". And also the fact that my mother thinks paradoxically, that women can't have sex together because they don't have penises/penii...(pssst...she thinks it's mutual masturbation...)
It's so frustrating that my life consists of lying to my mother, being forced to keep quiet when my mother says something stupidly homophobic, and hiding half of my life away. There is a reason why they call it being in the closet, and I want out - it smells like mothballs and desperation in here.
Edit: I'm probably going to drink to get buzzed during her wedding. I know I sound extremely selfish, but hey, I'm allowed to. She has the full support of everyone in her social circle and more (including me), and I'm just feeling like shit being she's happy and allowed to show it. Kind of paradoxical, that I'm happy for her, but not happy that she's happy and allowed to be happy.
