With @Costello asking for applications to become a moderator, I applied. I likely will not get accepted, and I am alright with that. Because of my past behavior on this forum I can completely understand why I would not be considered for a staff position.
But doing so got me thinking. Why was I such a prick back then and why have I lightened up quite a bit in recent years?
The answer to that is abuse. I was in a marriage for 10 years with a woman (if you can even call her that) whom physically and emotionally abused me nearly every day for almost the full 10 years. And I don't mean just insults or a simple push. This woman would beat the living hell out of me and constantly verbally assault me. So many times it got to the point that I literally had to screw 2x4's across my door to keep her from physically attacking me. I have been spit in my face, had my shoulder dislocated while protecting my newborn, and she even tried to kill me many times. The extent of all the things she did have been blurred out of my mind because it was to much to deal with. This woman ended many of my friendships, caused the relationship with my father and the rest of my family to deteriorate. If this woman could not get her drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes at any moment of the day, she would make it hell for everyone around her. She even started trouble with our landlords multiple times just because she was in a bad mood. I couldn't go to work because she treated me so poorly for leaving the apartment. I would come home and she would just give me hell for leaving her alone with the children. I was never allowed to see my friends. I was in a prison. Not only that, but she was constantly cheating on me and lying to me.
@XFlak can attest to how brutal this woman was to me.
With all the stress I was constantly dealing with from the abuse, it certainly manifested and came out in horrible ways that I did not intend. One of those ways was how I conducted myself on this forum. I used to constantly fight with people here and lash out at them and abuse other members of this community. I should have just sought counsiling, but even the times that I did, that evil woman would turn it against me.
Now, I can not blame my behavior to others on my ex. I own the things that I did and said. I made the choice to treat people poorly. I make no excuse for what I have done. What I can say is how much of an impact abuse has on you and how it can come out in the wrong ways.
The constant abuse, depression, being on the ASD (autism spectrum disorder), and just being an overall hothead, made for quite the perfect storm for me to be an explosive individual that had little to no self control. I felt like my world was constantly under fire and I was always scrambling to find a way out of the inferno and gain some control. I guess the only way I felt I had control was by blasting out at other people, because as of that point abuse was the only thing that I knew since that was what my ex would use to control me.
I am glad that Costello did open up a positions for a new staff member because this has allowed me to reflect upon myself and realize what had caused me to be so explosive in the past.
While I was in the smoke of the hell, I couldn't see clearly enough to understand how the abuse affected me and my social interactions. I thought I was doing the right thing by staying with this woman so we wouldn't be a broken family. I was wrong.
I would like to apologize to the people here whom have had to deal with my wrath in the past and all the anger and hate that I constantly carried. I am far from perfect and my life is still in a bit of turmoil, but I am constantly improving and doing what I can to continue on with my life and become a better person
Now, for all the rest of you out there. If you are in an abusive relationship, whether it be with a partner or a relative, SEEK HELP!!! There are hundreds of resources out there to help you. Don't allow someone to control you. Stand up for yourself and flee. Allowing yourself to continue to be abused will never end off in a positive way. We are always here for you, but seeking professional help is as simple as a phone call away.
National Domestic Violence Hotline (US) 1−800−799−7233
Unfortunately, there are far less resources for men than there are for women. Gotta love that male privilege. But there is still help no matter who you are.
On a positive note, karma has caught up with this woman and all the sleeping around that she was doing has caused her to get an STD.
I thank you all for reading my short story.
But doing so got me thinking. Why was I such a prick back then and why have I lightened up quite a bit in recent years?
The answer to that is abuse. I was in a marriage for 10 years with a woman (if you can even call her that) whom physically and emotionally abused me nearly every day for almost the full 10 years. And I don't mean just insults or a simple push. This woman would beat the living hell out of me and constantly verbally assault me. So many times it got to the point that I literally had to screw 2x4's across my door to keep her from physically attacking me. I have been spit in my face, had my shoulder dislocated while protecting my newborn, and she even tried to kill me many times. The extent of all the things she did have been blurred out of my mind because it was to much to deal with. This woman ended many of my friendships, caused the relationship with my father and the rest of my family to deteriorate. If this woman could not get her drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes at any moment of the day, she would make it hell for everyone around her. She even started trouble with our landlords multiple times just because she was in a bad mood. I couldn't go to work because she treated me so poorly for leaving the apartment. I would come home and she would just give me hell for leaving her alone with the children. I was never allowed to see my friends. I was in a prison. Not only that, but she was constantly cheating on me and lying to me.
@XFlak can attest to how brutal this woman was to me.
With all the stress I was constantly dealing with from the abuse, it certainly manifested and came out in horrible ways that I did not intend. One of those ways was how I conducted myself on this forum. I used to constantly fight with people here and lash out at them and abuse other members of this community. I should have just sought counsiling, but even the times that I did, that evil woman would turn it against me.
Now, I can not blame my behavior to others on my ex. I own the things that I did and said. I made the choice to treat people poorly. I make no excuse for what I have done. What I can say is how much of an impact abuse has on you and how it can come out in the wrong ways.
The constant abuse, depression, being on the ASD (autism spectrum disorder), and just being an overall hothead, made for quite the perfect storm for me to be an explosive individual that had little to no self control. I felt like my world was constantly under fire and I was always scrambling to find a way out of the inferno and gain some control. I guess the only way I felt I had control was by blasting out at other people, because as of that point abuse was the only thing that I knew since that was what my ex would use to control me.
I am glad that Costello did open up a positions for a new staff member because this has allowed me to reflect upon myself and realize what had caused me to be so explosive in the past.
While I was in the smoke of the hell, I couldn't see clearly enough to understand how the abuse affected me and my social interactions. I thought I was doing the right thing by staying with this woman so we wouldn't be a broken family. I was wrong.
I would like to apologize to the people here whom have had to deal with my wrath in the past and all the anger and hate that I constantly carried. I am far from perfect and my life is still in a bit of turmoil, but I am constantly improving and doing what I can to continue on with my life and become a better person
Now, for all the rest of you out there. If you are in an abusive relationship, whether it be with a partner or a relative, SEEK HELP!!! There are hundreds of resources out there to help you. Don't allow someone to control you. Stand up for yourself and flee. Allowing yourself to continue to be abused will never end off in a positive way. We are always here for you, but seeking professional help is as simple as a phone call away.
National Domestic Violence Hotline (US) 1−800−799−7233
Unfortunately, there are far less resources for men than there are for women. Gotta love that male privilege. But there is still help no matter who you are.
On a positive note, karma has caught up with this woman and all the sleeping around that she was doing has caused her to get an STD.
I thank you all for reading my short story.
