Welcome to the personal blog of Undi
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You certainly don't know me, and I don't know you.
That's fine like that, what I have to say don't concern anybody here, just me.
Before reading, just take into account that my main language is French, so there will be surely some grammatical mistakes in my text.
Anyway that's don't matter.
Today, I want to tell my story. My life. How me, a little happy child became to what I am now, and I hope that will help me to understand some things.
If I write this publicly today, it's because I can't take it anymore, I'm in the dead end, and nothing can change this, so why not?
So yeah, it's a little dumb but I think you will understand better if you know more about me.
My name is not really important so just call me Undi (I prefer this than my firstname heh).
I live in Belgium, I'm going to have 22 years old this 28th December and I live with my stepfather.
My mother passed away like 4 years ago. She had two cancers and we have tried everything to save her.
I have some friend, but for me, real "friend" can listen to you, and you can count on it.
It's not the case with my friend, I listen to their problem, but they never listen to mine.
I'm a sponge. I call it like that. I absorb negativity from the other and take it for myself.
It's funny and sad at the same time: I try my best to help the other, but I can't help myself. The irony.
I think you have now enough information on me to understand all I'm going to say here.
Let's start with the beginning.
I was born the 28th december 1995 in Belgium where I live actually.
My mother raised me with so much love and caring, it's amazing when I think about it now.
She was "abused" (she received some punch if you know what I mean) by my father who don't giving a single shit for me at the time.
He was using all our money to play casino, buy alcohol, drug, ... He also stole money and other things almost everywhere he got a job.
I wasn't aware of what happen between my mother and my father, I was too young.
But when I hit 4 or 5 years old, they was already separated, I saw my father one week-end per two week.
I began to understand that something was wrong, that I didn't receive any attention from my father.
I stopped eating normally, my skin was literally gray because of that (I have some picture of that somewhere).
Long story short, one day I got it on phone and yelling at him what I was really feeling, and that I didn't wanted to see him again.
My mother found another person who raised me with her, the same person I live with at the time I write this, my stepfather.
I accepted him very quickly so it was okay, but something is gonna break all.
I'm now 8/9 years old, life is "gud", there are some feeling I can't understand but it's okay.
In my head, everybody was kind and trustable, what a mistake...
Sometime people laughted at me, sometime I received punch or kick and never understand why, never complaining either at the beggining.
But I had some friend who was dumb like me, and beside that I had a lot of fun!
After some years I began to complaining, but nobody listen to me.
My mother went to school at least once a month to tell the professor and all that I was receiving laugh in my face, some punch in the head, and all.
She was trying to protect me, but nobody listen to her, I literally cried every day in my bedroom before sleeping, and I'm sure she was doing the same thing.
So, you know, I think my original father shocked me and that's why I was so kind, I know I don't remember at all BUT I KNOW I have seen/hear things a child don't have to see/hear.
In school, I was cool and SO kind, everybody was telling me that I was so kind, my mother was so happy to hear that and my grade was so high.
But in the other side, I was bullied every fucking time, for SOOO MANY YEAR, I was just keeping my smile and go with it.
But when I enter secondary school (That's exist in Belgium, just search haha) my grade dropped, my smile disappeared.
I didn't had any friend, everybody was laughting at me and every single fucking day I cried, I thinking for many years "Why me? What I have done?".
My mother was telling me that was because I was "TOO" kind, and it's true, I was so fucking pacific that when someone punched me, I just didn't understand why! I shutted my mouth and take it!
After that, I got a chaotic school career, didn't get diploma, get depressed very young and wasn't aware of that.
I started to cut myself, that wasn't helping but it was feeling good, like if the pain was a signal to say to me "I exist! I'm alive!", something like that. Hard to explain.
I saw a lot of psychologists, psychiatrists, they tried to help me by talking or refilling me medicines, but frankly, nothing really worked.
After that I got some friends, lose some friends, got GF, lose GF, lose a big part of my family and finally, my mother.
And here we are today.
I'm 22 years old in 9 days.
I stopped taking the medication that was prescribed because even by increasing the doses, I did not like the effect: having a false smile or crying for no reason became beyond my strength.
I don't want to live anymore, nothing that interested me in the past appeal me anymore.
I don't eat with pleasure, I eat because I have to do.
I don't get ready at the morning, I don't care how people see me.
I don't have real friend, we just see each other to smoke some weed and drink the week-end.
I don't search or have hope in love, I had three girlfriend, who stole all I have before quitting me.
I don't like humanity, for me, THEY ARE SICK, NOT ME.
I didn't have an hobby anymore, I don't sleep well, I don't really laugh, I can't cry, I become crazy day after day, UGH.
The society is why I became like that, and I know I'm not alone.
The story is not fully here, but it's really hard, sad and exhausting to write, the main problem is here.
Everyday, I wake up and I don't know what is holding me back here, holding me to do what I have to do to sleep and never woke up.
I need help, I know that, but I tried so many things...
I don't know who you are, but thanks for reading all of that shit.
It's not very easy to read the english I write so, good job if you understand the situation.
And, no matter who you are, take care of yourself, your parents and your friends.