Welcome to the personal blog of the_randomizer
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I don't want to stress anyone who knows me out, or cause anyone who's friends with me to look at me any less. My job is in shambles, I'm still in debt, and I'm just not happy as I should be. I'm trying to figure out what the hell is causing all this, why I'm not happy at my job, why I set myself up to failure when a challenge is presented before me. Just recently, I had an offer to get more hours at my current job, it would involve me working two seven-hour shifts in a row. My job right now entails of me driving around to stores and counting our bread (for only our brand), and the number of loaves in stock. See, the extra shifts would have required me to drive to eleven stores scattered throughout the state, with the last stop being 150 km away from where I live. Well, on Monday, when it started, I complete the work, but I felt like utter shit, and had a near-migraine headache, the pain was intense. I got myself worked up, talked myself into getting super stressed and frustrated at the driving I had to do, and the drivers who didn't know how to drive, cutting me off, and so on. I was not happy, and I told my boss how that work went, he has since put me back to working three days a week, 4 hours each. Not much at all. The problem with merchandising, is the hours are never constant, and for someone like me, who has Asperger's (yeah, I need to mention that too, but I imagine people may hate me or lose respect for me, see me in another, bad way for saying it), I need structure, and consistency in my work. I hate working all over the place, I need something constant, predictable, hell, 9-5 job would be better, but I've had rotten luck finding one that isn't an effing call center. But that's the other thing, I've been setting myself up to fail, when I know I've done hard things before, like earning my license, learning Japanese, living abroad, etc. So why the hell can't I even hold down a job properly? I also need to mention that I'm overweight, weighing 250 lbs (or 110 kg), and the fact I lack the motivation to consistently work out. Yeah, I'm not where I should be, and I want to be happier as constantly as I can. Granted, a saving grace for me is that I love animals, and that interacting with foxes heals the heart, but sadly I can't see them as often as I'd like to. In the end, though, I feel that I owe everyone an apology for my foolish and livid behavior, this isn't me at all, and I can't help but feel like crying as I try to beg forgiveness to those I've wrong I need to get my life in order, I need to stop being so damn negative, I need a change of jobs, something that doesn't require long distance driving and is within city limits. And I need help to getting myself to exercise five days a week. Thank you all.
Well my job went to BS again, why? I'll explain, it's a bit long-winded. So, yes, I have a job, but I don't have work
to do, if that makes sense.
So, what I was doing was working in a warehouse, which wasn't permanent and being leased out to us to unload and deliver bread into vans/trucks. What my job was meet the delivery driver four times per week to unload bread for the other drivers to distribute to the stores around the county I live in (and in the neighboring counties). While this has been happening, a new location for a bakery and loading dock was being built about 43 miles (70 km), northwest of where I was working. Well, the lease for the old building expired, and all the workers now work up at the new location. What was supposed to happen, is what my unloading job switch to merchandising, which would be going to the stores where our brand of bread was delivered and count the bread, make sure it's faced properly and send the info to my boss. However, this is where things get tricky, see, he was supposed to have a system where I merchandise five times a week, and share one of the vehicles with another merchandiser.
This hasn't happened, I've been out of work for six days, ever since they relocated to the new warehouse. To make it worse, if I want to get more hours, consistently, I would have to travel 86 miles per day, to just two hours' work, only to spend an hour each way to drive. My care has 134,000 miles on, to drive 1600 miles a month on the freeway would add far more wear and tear, causing me to replace the engine, transmission, etc. To sum this all up, my job, which I thought would improve once I got it back, hasn't improved at all. I was never given the merchandising hours as I was promised by my boss, I shouldn't have to travel one hour to work each day to only do p>
Screw that company, and screw them for not promising me more hours merchandising. I've been so stressed and anxious that I broke down in tears a couple of days ago. I've half a mind to drive up to the warehouse, flip them off with both middle fingers as I drive by for all to see. I've asked in person, as well as texted my boss as a reminder to give definitive information and facts about my future at this company.
Where to begin? Let's start off with what I said about three weeks ago, regarding my job situation, the tech support job didn't work out, in fact, it broke me mentally. Customer service is my kryptonite, something I'm not suited for. Dealing with bitter people, people calling in, bitching about their computer issues, it's just not for me. Yes, I handled the calls well during the training, and I retained what I was trained on, but mentally, I don't have the right personality, so I had to bail. Now, this is where it gets tricky, so I called my former boss and told him that the tech job didn't work out, but to go back to just the unloading bread.
But here's the kicker, my boss has been hiring people to do my old merchandising portion, I would drive to stores, face the bread forward and send numbers on how much bread we have. So yes, as of now, I only unload, but 8-10 hours a week, at most, sometimes even less. To me, I find it to be BS, I mean sure, I'm surprised he didn't let me go, but he may as well have, how can I live off of so little money? How can I even think to pay off my student loan, my dental work, or even hope to live on my own again? I can't, there's no way financially. I can't begin to state on how much this stresses me out, how pissed off I am. So at this point I need to find better employment, but with certain caveats, it can't be customer service in any way, shape, or form.
There are data entry jobs, jobs in a warehouse setting that's 40 hours/week, jobs working with animals, anything but customer service. Where do I even begin, though? Am I so doomed as to never find another job that doesn't involve customer service? It sure feels like it, you know? What should I do from here? Will there ever be a job that suits my personality? I spoke to my current boss recently, he's hiring yet another person to merchandise, and will "find a way to give me more hours", but what else is there? Unloading/delivery and merchandising. To be honest, there is no hope left for me in this job. I am tempted to say "to hell with this" and just walk out, but I know I shouldn't.
I've been feeling waves of doubt combined with feelings of believing I've made the right choice. So let me do some background to explain. My current job involved me working at a bakery/warehouse for the past two years come this August, during the time, I as an employee, did not experience much growth and felt like I was getting nowhere. The job has driven me to several panic attacks that were nigh-on debilitating and requiring me to vent to my boss, which I found to be embarrassing, but he was understanding all the same. Flash forward to 2017, I've been trying to find a job better suited to me and what defined me, tech support. A lot of what I know and learned was self taught and also from my older brother, who does computer tech/IT for a living. Sure enough, I found a job dealing with tech support for WISPs/Wireless ISPs, basic Tier-I support.
This is where things get weird, I still "have" the other job, but it's been reduced to only maybe five-six hours per week, in addition to my new tech job; this way I haven't burned my bridges but have something to fall back on in case. Now, I've done hard things in the past, learning Japanese, working at a call center job for almost a year to save up for my car, the list goes on. But what I can't seem to shake, is the fact on whether or not I made an asinine and egregious decision in accepting the job offer. The reason I feel this way maybe is the fact that my brother is the one that got me my warehouse job (he works there as well), and I feel that doing this will be a sign of ingratitude, somehow. Top that off I'm feeling a lot of uncertainty, even though computer stuff is more my forte, and has many more hours, better pay, more consistency, etc.
My warehouse job hours annoyed me, I couldn't stand the lack of consistency, having to wake up at 3:30 AM to cover someone's shift twice in the same week when he could've come in sick. If people come in sick, he should do the same and man up, but no, he wussed out. I'm conflicted, I don't want to do something stupid and bail out of either job completely. With a student loan with an amount that intimidates me, I can't afford to not work, should I cut ties completely from the bakery job and go here exclusively? I've been on edge the past few days, emotional and even cried last night before I went to bed, because I sometimes don't know what the hell is wrong with me I need help, advice, and right now, I...just want to cry...
Okay so things have gotten...interesting or rather, frustrating with my job. To back up for those who may not be aware, I work at a bakery or warehouse that delivers bread from Pocatello down to where I live, some distance away, to a warehouse where I help unload it. I unload the bread onto racks for drivers to pick it up and load it into their vans the next morning. In addition I go a few times a week to stores and count our bread, make sure it faces the right way and is neat and organized. I've been working a year and a half at this job and since then my schedule has changed maybe four times? Management has changed as we were bought out last year and the higher ups actually are making improvements, but that's up in Idaho. Down here, not so much, suffice to say my boss is a royal pain in the ass to deal with, there's a huge and glaring lack of proper communication, he's very flaky and never ever keeps his promises, he's been changing and cutting my hours. I'm on the verge of finding another job, so here's what the root of the issue is, up until last week, maybe for a month and a half, I've been getting 22 hours a week, which isn't too shabby. Last week, I covered for someone on bereavement leave for 33 hours or so, brutal early morning hours, but a lot of money earned. And this week, the company is delivering more bread and schedule changes were made to accommodate the new hires (drivers), so a lot of juggling was going around. And lo and behold, my schedule got 8 or so hours shaved off, and I'm absolutely pissed at my boss, granted, I haven't said anything to him about it yet in protest. I went from 22 hours to 16 hours. I was merchandising five days a week, but now it's down to three and that's where the hours are cut and allocated to someone newer than me. I've been doing my damnedest to build a good rapport and I thought that I had, but this is how my boss thanks for me for covering for him and the bereaved coworker last week? But cutting my hours and giving them to someone else? I don't know what to do, I can't pay anything aside from gas and maybe something else from 16 hours a week, but as for my student loans? Not happening anytime soon. I need a better job, something with more hours, but I want to hear what you guys think first, I'm just...pissed, that my boss had to pull a douche move like this
I almost never make threads on here, for a variety of reasons, most of them trivial but I digress. Yesterday I had a helluva financial-related emergency, as some know I've had to pay for dental-related bills during my period of unemployment and as a result, have a myriad of bills to pay. So yes, I'm in debt and it has cause me tremendous amounts of anxiety and stress, and for what it's worth, to start off I want to apologize to every single one of you who I know I have offended, upset, and so on, this isn't for me at all to confess, but I feel that I should do so. Now on to the main purpose of my thread, as a result of having to make payments yesterday, and then realizing how much the Switch is going to cost me, I've come to the very hard decision of putting off the Switch for a while yet; if this for any reason lets you guys down or cause you to lose what little respect you have for me, I want to apologize as well.
Believe me, I wanted to get one on launch as much as many of you did, but when I preorded it, I wasn't thinking straight and dived right in. I'm going to be using my tax refund to pay off my debt as well, and while I have a job, I have to be extremely careful on what I spend it on, notably bills. Maybe for my birthday I'll get a game or two, so special occasions like that, but for a big investment like the Switch, I'm going to have to put it off till I can free myself from the hellacious enslavement that is financial debt.
I don't know what to do anymore, I'm so overwhelmed, so very stress and anxious about my financial situation
Granted I still have my Wii U, and I plan on using it for some time, I may end up getting the Wii U version of Breath of the Wild in lieu of the Switch version. I still have quite a backlog as well, Virtual Console games, Super Smash Bros with my former roommates, I still have plenty of games I can play on there in the mean time.
There's been a lot going on with my life, stress, jobs, anxiety, trying to go by day by day, trying to figure out who I am on the inside, why things trigger me, upset me, and so on. I've done some things in the past, on here or the internet in general, many things that I still regret and trying to forgive myself for. Especially times where I have offended people, inadvertently and intentionally. I admit that even after all these months, some aspects of that bothers me, mostly because that I'm trying my damnedest to change who I am and improve to be a better person. And yet, it feels that no matter how hard I try, no matter how many times I try to take to be better, to controlling my anxiety and paranoid feelings, I fall short no matter what, and it's infuriating. I'm not as happy about myself as I should be, yes, I have a job and I'm glad I do, but other aspects of me, my physical and mental health, how I feel about how I see myself, it's not up to par. I'm not happy with who I am, or with the way things are going right now, being in debt up to my eyeballs and making payments whenever I can. I'm not happy with the way I let my anxiety control me on the forums and on social media sites, I don't know what I can do to apologize to every single person on the Temp for any and all the wrongs I've done to them. Suffice to say, knowing there are people on these forums who either hate my guts, or, get sick of how I get paranoid/anxious when things go afoul, and believe me, it never was and never has been my intent to anger or cause ire to anyone on here. I have my quirks as does everyone else, that being said, I constantly berate and beat myself up whenever I make mistakes online and in my day to day life. Right now, I'm a wreck, a mess, and on the very cusp of crying from pure frustration and mental anguish. I don't know what's wrong with me sometimes, especially right now, or how to get myself to see me as being important as everyone else, and stop being hard on myself and doing things that I regret later. I know this isn't exactly a cheerful blog, I'm venting though, because of my issues with my self-worth, for hurting anyone on here without realizing it, saying things that may have been brusque and hurtful, I wanted to say this as a means of reaching out and hopefully in due time, forgiving myself and hopefully being forgiven for all those I have angered and disappointed. I need to find the pieces and put them back together, and find out who I am and how to fix me.
I want to make amends with those I have genuinely upset, I don't know why I do or say the things I do, I'm a many of many issues...thank you for hearing me out...
So, to start off, I used to be in great shape, kept the same weight for three years in fact, when I live in Japan anyway. I rode my bike and walked everywhere, I kept a healthy 180-185 pounds (82 to 74 kg) during my stay as an intern. That being said, when I got back I got a call center job, I lost motivation to exercise because I felt "too tired" to do anything when I got home. Well, off and on, I tried to get into an exercise regimen, I would start off for a few days, feel pretty good and then, I would just stop, and sure enough over time, I gained more weight than I could ever ask for. My current weight is something I don't publicly disclose, but I will say it's a lot higher than when I was at my healthiest, I now have quite a gut. That alone, having extra weight around the waist puts extra strain on my body, my organs, and if I don't do something now, there will more than likely be serious consequences when I'm older. I signed up for Vasa a few months back, and I did go for a couple of weeks, but like before, I stopped going because of lack of motivation and discipline, I don't know what to do.
I want to lose as much weight and fat as I can (fat mostly), and get down to close to where I weighed before, back in 2007 or so. The problem is I don't know where to begin, what I can do to motivate myself, if I need to get others to help me or support me, I don't know. I'm not happy about myself, my appearance, my confidence, when one thing like physical health is down, mental, spiritual, etc is all affected. I'm not nearly as happy as I could be, while I'm not necessarily depressed, I've been resorting to using strong, foul language under my breath at drivers that piss me off. I need help...losing weight, exercising, feeling better about me and life in general, you know? I just...have no idea where to begin >.<
Thanks for taking the time to read my venting.
So, a while back I had to use care credit during a period of joblessness to pay for a couple of dental crowns, and the credit obviously was able to cover the costs. Well, over time I was able make payments here and there, small, but payments nonetheless. That being said, earlier this year, I lost my job and had to block the loan company from taking money out I didn't have in my bank, and I kept getting more and more statements about how much I owed. Sure enough, I called my bank recently to unblock the loan company since I have a job now, turns out I've been royally screwed. To back up a bit, I was going to pay my payment on Synchrony Bank, who I did the loan through for Care Credit, well, my account was mysteriously not there, so I called them and sure enough, they told me they sold my account to ANOTHER company called Midland Credit, so I call them. Nope, account is in limbo since they transferred it recently (Synchrony Bank), in the end, I have to wait at least two weeks before I can pay off my balance on my loan. My question is, why the hell did they not tell me they were going to transfer it over to Midland Credit? Shouldn't they have at least sent me an email on the 22nd, the day they start the account transfer? To me, that sounds like a very shady business practice, especially when it was done without my consent.
I am very tempted to not pay my loan for some time now, just out of spite for what they did without my consent. Or, even better, spend the $200 or so I was gonna pay for the late payment for a 3DS XL instead. Okay not really, but you see where I'm coming from. How can I be expected to make payment if my account is in limbo? What do you guys suggest? Oh and once I get this paid off, I'm never taking out a bloody loan again.
I need help, or rather, I need to vent, given my recent reactions to certain people on other locations (or other forums not here, but elsewhere), it's evident that I've issues with controlling my anger. I obviously don't want to get more personal, however, I need to get this off of my chest; there was an incident on another forum where...I didn't realize that someone's post was clearly facetious and I lost my temper, thinking he was legitimately being condescending to the OP of that thread. Suffice to say, things got ugly and I used language that I feel horrible for using. Obviously, I can't take it back, I didn't handle the way an exemplary adult my age should, but the thread devolved for a time, it's back to normal now. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is why I'm so quick to anger whenever I see certain posts, what triggers them, why I let things get the better of me, and so on. So that thread was just an example, but there other certain triggers that do it for me, unfortunately, and by me saying this, I can assume that many will lose respect for me for being so open about this issue I have. I'm clearly not as positive as I could be, nor do I see the big picture, i.e. when someone has a certain bias or has an opinion, they're neither right nor wrong necessarily, they're using their rights to express their thoughts and feelings, and I need to respect that. I sometimes wonder what's wrong with me and why I either overreact or just use said vile language. I know people swear casually and I've no problem with that at all, my problem is I go beyond that in heated discussions and it's something I feel absolutely horrible doing.
I don't know what to do about my anger problems, it's rather sad, actually, but I come before you, the Temp, a cry for help if you will, I don't want this to get any worse than it already is, it's bad though, not having job and not being in the best physical shape doesn't help any, you know, but any feedback, advice, etc is greatly appreciate, and thank you all
I know I just made a blog entry not too long ago, but I'm at a loss as far as making amends with someone I deeply offended two months ago. It hurts, a lot, and I wish I never said those horrific things to this person's friend. Here's the lowdown, there were two friends, one I knew and met personally, and the other I didn't know all that well, both are fox owners. The one I didn't know well unfriends me because, well, probably to purge her list to only people she knows, I took it personally as usual, go fig, so I emailed her, calling her out. It was not a good day, very stressed out, but I don't remember why. I used language I rarely used against people I know. Well, it went to hell in a hand basket, she was rightfully livid, threatened to press charges if I emailed her again and I thought that was the end, so I dropped it. Oh no, that wasn't the end, she not only posted the private email conversation on Facebook, but this alienated a couple of other people I knew, this leads me to the other fox owner I was friends with. She PMs me, tells me that she found out what I told her other friend via email, is clearly disappointed at my severe negativity and doesn't want said negativity and unfriends me as well. Now, I obviously deeply regret saying those horrifically trenchant things. She hasn't blocked me, surprisingly, and even talked to me a couple of times since, but only small talk; at this point, I don't know what to do, I want to make amends, I don't like leaving these things unresolved and alone to fester only for it to get worse and worse. The fact I alienated and deeply offended another unknowingly tears me up inside, I'm normally not like this. I attempted to send an apology a while back, a sincere but short one, and so far, no response from her, but not blocked either. I'm getting mixed signals from this, if she would have blocked me, she would have done so by now, but hasn't, not that I'm complaining. I don't know if I should keep waiting, send her an apology card with some flowers, publicly apologize for calling the original member out, I'm so conflicted.
To sum up, I don't know why I did what I did, why I can't seem to make amends, and why I have a hard time letting it go and forgiving myself for having used such fierceness in my email. Sometimes, like now, I'm reading her posts, my close fox owner friend I alienated, and it hurts, it makes me want to cry at the thought I may never be able to speak to her, much less see her ever again I really don't know what to do...
Margen67 likes this.
And I don't know what do to, and I hope that a blog is appropriate for venting my deeply impacted feelings. I hate to unload on the Temp regarding this matter, but tonight, I leaned absolutely horrific news regarding a good fox owner friend of mine. I spent time at my parent's house only to receive horrific hellish news from another friend on Facebook, the person in question....decided that amidst her silent suffering, unbeknownst to her friends int he fox community, that taking her own life was the best option. I don't pass judgment on her, nor do I bear any resentment as I cannot and do not attest to know the state of her mind, but, no one ever suspected of her having deep issues that needed resolving. That being said, I'm very badly shaken up, my body is in a state of utmost shock and my tears flowing like an out-of-control flood. If anything, I need to vent, I need a sounding board, and I don't know what to think right now, other than the fact I've lost a close friend, and it hurts, it hurts like hell. Will I be able to overcome this, yes, but it will take time, how much, I don't know, but it really makes one think on the frailties or mortality. I need to vent, and I thank you for taking the time to read my latest news.
My heart has sunken, and I am about to cry again. I admit that...I haven't exactly had the best track record on GBA Temp, or the fact that there are people that I unfortunately irk at times for one reason or another, but I wanted to say that I'm not the best at pouring out my heart, but I need to get this out in the open, as I don't want to bottle this up. I never expected someone as sweet and amazing as her to take her own life.
And it's been affecting me on more ways than I'd like it to, often driving me to tears, yes, it's that bad. This isn't like me at all, and I reach out to you, the members of this fine community, if not for advice, then just to vent my deeply ingrained negativity that's been bogging me down. To do a little background, a route cause of this anxiety and negativity is related to the fact that for a long time, I couldn't hold down a job because I've been trying to do too much at once, as opposed to one step at a time, the fact I've tried to do so much at once lead to failure and panic attacks, which cost me a couple of my last jobs. When I try to do too much at once, I get overwhelmed, I freeze up and just end up not doing anything, I failed. After I lost my job, I had to find ways to pay rent, somehow, I managed to get money to do so, now I have job beginning Monday, so I'm in the clear. This however, is my way of trying to explain to you guys, why I've been acting the way I have, why I have problems with shitposting, why I act aggressively towards people who counteract what I say, and why I've been so overly dramatic. I don't expect anyone who hates me to forgive me or befriend me, I wanted to be as honest and forthright as I could be, so I could at least set the record straight. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and if you feel so inclined to provide comments or feedback, that's totally fine
I needed to get this off my chest for a very long time, I don't know why I've waited so long. I'm the only one who can, no, must strive to do better.
I want this to be a serious discussions, so please, bear with me.
I've been thinking a lot, and have had way too many negative thoughts on my mind as of late, this is most assuredly not healthy in any stretch of the imagination. As such, I need to some venting, I've been way too negative and I've been acting very foolish lately, more so than I normally am, and it's driven me to tears. I don't know what it is, or what I've done, but lately, I seem to be on the bad side of many people on here, and believe me, this is not my intent, I really hate thinking I've angered someone or somehow made said people hate my guts. I believe it boils down to being too hard on myself, lack of self-confidence and just not thinking before I post. It's pathetic, and I've no excuse, I just...don't know what triggers these thoughts, or why I act so stupidly like this, and it's something I really really wish I could undo. But I can't dwell in the past, I need to learn from it, and move on.
What do you guys think I should do, to be more positive and outgoing as far as viewing things in a more positive light. The very idea or thought I might have upset someone or several people, is something I hate bearing to do, and while it's impossible to be friends with every single person, I at least wish to be on their good side, you know? Sometimes I wish I knew why I was so hard on myself, why I'm so sensitive, and why I take things the wrong way.
Well, since my last SSBB blog is nonexistent, I shall create another one to better showcase the character hacks I've been making.
General Scales over Wolf
Krystal over Peach
Anubis over Ike
Esper Terra over Peach
Weregarurumon over Wolf
Final Fantasy X Shiva over Peach
Diablos over Gannondorf
King K. Rool over Dedede
Working Krystal over Peach hack with custom portraits for selection screen and in-game battles! Custom names can be used, BUT, it is universal; you cannot have each hack have a separate name, but it looks nice anyways
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