Welcome to the personal blog of the_randomizer

  • the_randomizer

    I keep having relapses, I hate this addiction

    I'm trying to quit porn, like, completely, I want to be free from it. I want to escape from its grasp, and yes, a lot of media can be good, a lot of it can be bad, it's a double-edged sword. I hate the thoughts that creep into my head, it's been causing me anxiety, I hate this, and I don't know what to do to go cold turkey and stay that way. To make it worse, it's been affecting my mood adversely, and accounts for my being toxic and negative on the internet and to myself at work. I know a lot of people aren't fond of me or my recent comments, they've come across as vile, virulent and downright rude. That alone deserves another ban but I digress. Filters don't work, because they are very imperfect and can be bypassed, I just need to vent, mostly. I... don't know what to do to quit once and for all, the effects porn has on the brain aren't exactly comforting either.

    I hate what porn addiction has done to me, how it exacerbates my stress and anxiety, and how it causes me to have image issues about myself as a person. I just... don't know what to do :cry:

    I delete the files, I download them again, again and again, I want to break this cycle, I want to stop spiraling like this, like, starting now. I can't do this by myself, I need friends and family to overcome this.
  • the_randomizer

    Unsubstantiated fears, OCD behavior regarding Windows 10's taskbar icons

    So this is a bit of an odd topic, and stems entirely from a potentially nonexistent fear I had months back, but have been using a sort of band-aid approach, a crutch, to hiding it. See, Windows 10 has or had an issue where the taskbar icons would randomly, it seems, refresh for no apparent reason other than icon cache being build or explorer.exe restarting. I don't know, I haven't found any one specific cause of this, but at the same time, Windows 10 has been running perfectly stable ever since having it for well over a year and a half, no complaints there. Every program I've had, has ran swimmingly, hardware, etc, have no issues at the time of writing, heck, I went so far as to run the following command:

    wmic diskdrive get status and get


    meaning my hard drives are fine, nothing corrupted there, even checked the Windows 10 image health

    DISM /Online /Cleanup-Image /CheckHealth

    No corruption there, as well as thorough virus and malware/spyware checks, nada, the system, HDDs, etc are all clean from corrupted OS files. The point of this though, is that for the past several months, I've had to use an object to obscure my view of the icons pinned to the taskbar, so as to hide the potential of having to see the icons refresh periodically, now the desktop doesn't do it, but only does so when I delete a file into the bin. I place OCD in the title because I literally let that very possibility of refreshing icons bother me or freak me out, I don't know why, I can't seem to remove the bag that blocks the taskbar, I'm afraid that once I do, the icons will refresh randomly/flicker and somehow the OS will deteriorate. I know, it's weird, because as far as my tests go, the OS is in good health, surprisingly, but what do you suggest I do to overcome my fear, to expose myself to not let flickering/refreshing taskbar icons to not bother me? This is an odd topic, and I get that, but I overthink and over-analyze things, is the icon refresh thing still an issue, even with that last security update? Should I face my OCD/fears head on and just remove the obscurity so I can see the icons without freaking out? I hate this, I want to use this without things getting worse, you know?
    Hmed likes this.
  • the_randomizer

    I've had a relapse and things feel about the same

    Porn is still an issue for me, it is a literal and palpable hell. It has been tormenting me and my biggest fear is people hating me or thinking less of me for giving it up, if that makes any sense. Right now, I'm being my own worst enemy, causing myself to fear irrationally on what will happen when I try to go cold turkey on viewing it, including Source Filmmaker and the like. What will people think of me? What will people do in response? The last thing I want is a falling out with anyone who knows me and when they find out I'm going cold turkey on porn, then what? I know these fears are completely and utterly unsubstantiated, but I still think on what they'll say. What I need to do is focus on more wholesome activities, such as taking RAW photos and editing them in Photoshop, and since I love taking pics of foxes and other adorable animals, I think it's a great whole activity. Photography brings many people, myself included, a lot of joy, Speaking of photos, I want to apologize for not keeping my fox thread up to date, I've been meaning to and I will try to keep it up to day, so, I apologize for that. Um I know I must sound pathetic, and I just don't know how else to word this, I hate this feeling, I hate the literal hell I'm in, this torment. I want to be free from this once and for all, and the first step is admitting I have an issue, the second being removing SFM and all pornographic materials from my PC, saving me countless GB's of space. I just want to thank you for all your support so far, I know I haven't been a good member and have been a pain in many members' side, but still, thank you.
  • the_randomizer

    I feel so completely broken, this is quite lengthy so beware...

    So, as you all know, I've had my ups and downs on here, and this year has been especially hellacious for me when it comes to my emotions and my anxiety. I'm going to be very open and upfront/honest about my deepest, darkest inner demons. This is very very difficult for me to even confess this, but, it's better that I get this out in the open, first and foremost, I have Asperger's, I've had it for the majority of my life, and while I have overcome much of it, it still remains. This makes certain social cues hellishly difficult and I wanted to apologize for the misunderstandings that this has caused people on this site, but alongside that, I also suffer from anxiety, which also isn't very fun to deal with, but these are only but two of the facets that account for my recent behavioral issues. See, I have some serious issues with addictions, or rather, addictive behaviors that I'm not exactly proud of, things that are proving to be extremely difficult for me to overcome, something I cannot overcome on my own. These addictive behaviors have gained control over me, to the point of disrupting my sleep and even going so far as to prevent me from properly holding down a job. Yes, it's that bad, and I have confessed these to family, who I trust with my life, and they were very understanding and open right back, especially my brother, who himself has had serious addictions that he's overcoming. I finally see the true hell that is addiction, the horrible things it does to body and mind, how it enslaves and gives one a false sense of security. It's been a problem for far longer than it should have been, but, I have concluded that this has been the root cause of pretty much, if not all my problems, especially as of late, and I'm not ashamed that I admit I need help. But the thing that worries me the most, is that people who know me in here, and outside of the Temp, very well could think less of me than they already do, given that I'm pouring out my heart right now about my issues. I can only hope that people are understand me and don't shun me for these problems that so haunt me and cause me to feel such anguish and anxiety. I won't go into too much detail about the addictions, but let's just say it's not the kind of material I can just post on here, it's explicit material and I'm not proud of admitting that. I'm a mess, I need help, and I'm sorry that I'm posting this on here, but, you all have a right to know why I've been such a pain in the ass to so many people, and for what it's worth, I can't be sorry enough. This is a very serious blog, something I need to get off my chest. I hate this feeling, I hate not having control over these urges to look up explicit material, addiction is hell, a literal enslavement of body and mind. I want the old me back, I want to be happy. It does't help that I am grossly overweight, doing a number on my self esteem and self-image and so on, but sadly, I lack even the motivation to get into shape. So yes, I am broken, and I am currently speaking with a trusted friend who is an LCSW, so I'll be starting the path to recovery once and for all. I just wanted to vent, and to let you know what was going on, thank you for taking the time to hear this, as I'm writing this, I am on the verge of crying my eyes out, I want to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.
    MicmasH_Wii, loler55, console and 5 others like this.
  • the_randomizer

    I'm not as happy as I should be

    I don't want to stress anyone who knows me out, or cause anyone who's friends with me to look at me any less. My job is in shambles, I'm still in debt, and I'm just not happy as I should be. I'm trying to figure out what the hell is causing all this, why I'm not happy at my job, why I set myself up to failure when a challenge is presented before me. Just recently, I had an offer to get more hours at my current job, it would involve me working two seven-hour shifts in a row. My job right now entails of me driving around to stores and counting our bread (for only our brand), and the number of loaves in stock. See, the extra shifts would have required me to drive to eleven stores scattered throughout the state, with the last stop being 150 km away from where I live. Well, on Monday, when it started, I complete the work, but I felt like utter shit, and had a near-migraine headache, the pain was intense. I got myself worked up, talked myself into getting super stressed and frustrated at the driving I had to do, and the drivers who didn't know how to drive, cutting me off, and so on. I was not happy, and I told my boss how that work went, he has since put me back to working three days a week, 4 hours each. Not much at all. The problem with merchandising, is the hours are never constant, and for someone like me, who has Asperger's (yeah, I need to mention that too, but I imagine people may hate me or lose respect for me, see me in another, bad way for saying it), I need structure, and consistency in my work. I hate working all over the place, I need something constant, predictable, hell, 9-5 job would be better, but I've had rotten luck finding one that isn't an effing call center. But that's the other thing, I've been setting myself up to fail, when I know I've done hard things before, like earning my license, learning Japanese, living abroad, etc. So why the hell can't I even hold down a job properly? I also need to mention that I'm overweight, weighing 250 lbs (or 110 kg), and the fact I lack the motivation to consistently work out. Yeah, I'm not where I should be, and I want to be happier as constantly as I can. Granted, a saving grace for me is that I love animals, and that interacting with foxes heals the heart, but sadly I can't see them as often as I'd like to. In the end, though, I feel that I owe everyone an apology for my foolish and livid behavior, this isn't me at all, and I can't help but feel like crying as I try to beg forgiveness to those I've wrong :cry: :sad: I need to get my life in order, I need to stop being so damn negative, I need a change of jobs, something that doesn't require long distance driving and is within city limits. And I need help to getting myself to exercise five days a week. Thank you all.
    MicmasH_W, loler55, WiisleyU and 4 others like this.
  • the_randomizer

    My job is in limbo

    Well my job went to BS again, why? I'll explain, it's a bit long-winded. So, yes, I have a job, but I don't have work
    to do, if that makes sense.

    So, what I was doing was working in a warehouse, which wasn't permanent and being leased out to us to unload and deliver bread into vans/trucks. What my job was meet the delivery driver four times per week to unload bread for the other drivers to distribute to the stores around the county I live in (and in the neighboring counties). While this has been happening, a new location for a bakery and loading dock was being built about 43 miles (70 km), northwest of where I was working. Well, the lease for the old building expired, and all the workers now work up at the new location. What was supposed to happen, is what my unloading job switch to merchandising, which would be going to the stores where our brand of bread was delivered and count the bread, make sure it's faced properly and send the info to my boss. However, this is where things get tricky, see, he was supposed to have a system where I merchandise five times a week, and share one of the vehicles with another merchandiser.

    This hasn't happened, I've been out of work for six days, ever since they relocated to the new warehouse. To make it worse, if I want to get more hours, consistently, I would have to travel 86 miles per day, to just two hours' work, only to spend an hour each way to drive. My care has 134,000 miles on, to drive 1600 miles a month on the freeway would add far more wear and tear, causing me to replace the engine, transmission, etc. To sum this all up, my job, which I thought would improve once I got it back, hasn't improved at all. I was never given the merchandising hours as I was promised by my boss, I shouldn't have to travel one hour to work each day to only do p>

    Screw that company, and screw them for not promising me more hours merchandising. I've been so stressed and anxious that I broke down in tears a couple of days ago. I've half a mind to drive up to the warehouse, flip them off with both middle fingers as I drive by for all to see. I've asked in person, as well as texted my boss as a reminder to give definitive information and facts about my future at this company.
  • the_randomizer

    It would seem I made the wrong choice after all

    Where to begin? Let's start off with what I said about three weeks ago, regarding my job situation, the tech support job didn't work out, in fact, it broke me mentally. Customer service is my kryptonite, something I'm not suited for. Dealing with bitter people, people calling in, bitching about their computer issues, it's just not for me. Yes, I handled the calls well during the training, and I retained what I was trained on, but mentally, I don't have the right personality, so I had to bail. Now, this is where it gets tricky, so I called my former boss and told him that the tech job didn't work out, but to go back to just the unloading bread.

    But here's the kicker, my boss has been hiring people to do my old merchandising portion, I would drive to stores, face the bread forward and send numbers on how much bread we have. So yes, as of now, I only unload, but 8-10 hours a week, at most, sometimes even less. To me, I find it to be BS, I mean sure, I'm surprised he didn't let me go, but he may as well have, how can I live off of so little money? How can I even think to pay off my student loan, my dental work, or even hope to live on my own again? I can't, there's no way financially. I can't begin to state on how much this stresses me out, how pissed off I am. So at this point I need to find better employment, but with certain caveats, it can't be customer service in any way, shape, or form.

    There are data entry jobs, jobs in a warehouse setting that's 40 hours/week, jobs working with animals, anything but customer service. Where do I even begin, though? Am I so doomed as to never find another job that doesn't involve customer service? It sure feels like it, you know? What should I do from here? Will there ever be a job that suits my personality? I spoke to my current boss recently, he's hiring yet another person to merchandise, and will "find a way to give me more hours", but what else is there? Unloading/delivery and merchandising. To be honest, there is no hope left for me in this job. I am tempted to say "to hell with this" and just walk out, but I know I shouldn't.
  • the_randomizer

    Did I make the wrong choice?

    I've been feeling waves of doubt combined with feelings of believing I've made the right choice. So let me do some background to explain. My current job involved me working at a bakery/warehouse for the past two years come this August, during the time, I as an employee, did not experience much growth and felt like I was getting nowhere. The job has driven me to several panic attacks that were nigh-on debilitating and requiring me to vent to my boss, which I found to be embarrassing, but he was understanding all the same. Flash forward to 2017, I've been trying to find a job better suited to me and what defined me, tech support. A lot of what I know and learned was self taught and also from my older brother, who does computer tech/IT for a living. Sure enough, I found a job dealing with tech support for WISPs/Wireless ISPs, basic Tier-I support.

    This is where things get weird, I still "have" the other job, but it's been reduced to only maybe five-six hours per week, in addition to my new tech job; this way I haven't burned my bridges but have something to fall back on in case. Now, I've done hard things in the past, learning Japanese, working at a call center job for almost a year to save up for my car, the list goes on. But what I can't seem to shake, is the fact on whether or not I made an asinine and egregious decision in accepting the job offer. The reason I feel this way maybe is the fact that my brother is the one that got me my warehouse job (he works there as well), and I feel that doing this will be a sign of ingratitude, somehow. Top that off I'm feeling a lot of uncertainty, even though computer stuff is more my forte, and has many more hours, better pay, more consistency, etc.

    My warehouse job hours annoyed me, I couldn't stand the lack of consistency, having to wake up at 3:30 AM to cover someone's shift twice in the same week when he could've come in sick. If people come in sick, he should do the same and man up, but no, he wussed out. I'm conflicted, I don't want to do something stupid and bail out of either job completely. With a student loan with an amount that intimidates me, I can't afford to not work, should I cut ties completely from the bakery job and go here exclusively? I've been on edge the past few days, emotional and even cried last night before I went to bed, because I sometimes don't know what the hell is wrong with me :( I need help, advice, and right now, I...just want to cry...
  • the_randomizer

    Cutting more hours at work for someone else? Sure thing, boss

    Okay so things have gotten...interesting or rather, frustrating with my job. To back up for those who may not be aware, I work at a bakery or warehouse that delivers bread from Pocatello down to where I live, some distance away, to a warehouse where I help unload it. I unload the bread onto racks for drivers to pick it up and load it into their vans the next morning. In addition I go a few times a week to stores and count our bread, make sure it faces the right way and is neat and organized. I've been working a year and a half at this job and since then my schedule has changed maybe four times? Management has changed as we were bought out last year and the higher ups actually are making improvements, but that's up in Idaho. Down here, not so much, suffice to say my boss is a royal pain in the ass to deal with, there's a huge and glaring lack of proper communication, he's very flaky and never ever keeps his promises, he's been changing and cutting my hours. I'm on the verge of finding another job, so here's what the root of the issue is, up until last week, maybe for a month and a half, I've been getting 22 hours a week, which isn't too shabby. Last week, I covered for someone on bereavement leave for 33 hours or so, brutal early morning hours, but a lot of money earned. And this week, the company is delivering more bread and schedule changes were made to accommodate the new hires (drivers), so a lot of juggling was going around. And lo and behold, my schedule got 8 or so hours shaved off, and I'm absolutely pissed at my boss, granted, I haven't said anything to him about it yet in protest. I went from 22 hours to 16 hours. I was merchandising five days a week, but now it's down to three and that's where the hours are cut and allocated to someone newer than me. I've been doing my damnedest to build a good rapport and I thought that I had, but this is how my boss thanks for me for covering for him and the bereaved coworker last week? But cutting my hours and giving them to someone else? I don't know what to do, I can't pay anything aside from gas and maybe something else from 16 hours a week, but as for my student loans? Not happening anytime soon. I need a better job, something with more hours, but I want to hear what you guys think first, I'm just...pissed, that my boss had to pull a douche move like this :angry::sad:
    MicmasH_Wii likes this.
  • the_randomizer

    Have to put off getting a Switch, I've let you all down

    I almost never make threads on here, for a variety of reasons, most of them trivial but I digress. Yesterday I had a helluva financial-related emergency, as some know I've had to pay for dental-related bills during my period of unemployment and as a result, have a myriad of bills to pay. So yes, I'm in debt and it has cause me tremendous amounts of anxiety and stress, and for what it's worth, to start off I want to apologize to every single one of you who I know I have offended, upset, and so on, this isn't for me at all to confess, but I feel that I should do so. Now on to the main purpose of my thread, as a result of having to make payments yesterday, and then realizing how much the Switch is going to cost me, I've come to the very hard decision of putting off the Switch for a while yet; if this for any reason lets you guys down or cause you to lose what little respect you have for me, I want to apologize as well.

    Believe me, I wanted to get one on launch as much as many of you did, but when I preorded it, I wasn't thinking straight and dived right in. I'm going to be using my tax refund to pay off my debt as well, and while I have a job, I have to be extremely careful on what I spend it on, notably bills. Maybe for my birthday I'll get a game or two, so special occasions like that, but for a big investment like the Switch, I'm going to have to put it off till I can free myself from the hellacious enslavement that is financial debt.

    I don't know what to do anymore, I'm so overwhelmed, so very stress and anxious about my financial situation :(

    Granted I still have my Wii U, and I plan on using it for some time, I may end up getting the Wii U version of Breath of the Wild in lieu of the Switch version. I still have quite a backlog as well, Virtual Console games, Super Smash Bros with my former roommates, I still have plenty of games I can play on there in the mean time.:unsure:
    You, Saiyan Lusitano and Imacaredformy2ds like this.
  • the_randomizer

    Been doing a lot of thinking, but I also wanted to apologize and explain everything

    There's been a lot going on with my life, stress, jobs, anxiety, trying to go by day by day, trying to figure out who I am on the inside, why things trigger me, upset me, and so on. I've done some things in the past, on here or the internet in general, many things that I still regret and trying to forgive myself for. Especially times where I have offended people, inadvertently and intentionally. I admit that even after all these months, some aspects of that bothers me, mostly because that I'm trying my damnedest to change who I am and improve to be a better person. And yet, it feels that no matter how hard I try, no matter how many times I try to take to be better, to controlling my anxiety and paranoid feelings, I fall short no matter what, and it's infuriating. I'm not as happy about myself as I should be, yes, I have a job and I'm glad I do, but other aspects of me, my physical and mental health, how I feel about how I see myself, it's not up to par. I'm not happy with who I am, or with the way things are going right now, being in debt up to my eyeballs and making payments whenever I can. I'm not happy with the way I let my anxiety control me on the forums and on social media sites, I don't know what I can do to apologize to every single person on the Temp for any and all the wrongs I've done to them. Suffice to say, knowing there are people on these forums who either hate my guts, or, get sick of how I get paranoid/anxious when things go afoul, and believe me, it never was and never has been my intent to anger or cause ire to anyone on here. I have my quirks as does everyone else, that being said, I constantly berate and beat myself up whenever I make mistakes online and in my day to day life. Right now, I'm a wreck, a mess, and on the very cusp of crying from pure frustration and mental anguish. I don't know what's wrong with me sometimes, especially right now, or how to get myself to see me as being important as everyone else, and stop being hard on myself and doing things that I regret later. I know this isn't exactly a cheerful blog, I'm venting though, because of my issues with my self-worth, for hurting anyone on here without realizing it, saying things that may have been brusque and hurtful, I wanted to say this as a means of reaching out and hopefully in due time, forgiving myself and hopefully being forgiven for all those I have angered and disappointed. I need to find the pieces and put them back together, and find out who I am and how to fix me.

    I want to make amends with those I have genuinely upset, I don't know why I do or say the things I do, I'm a many of many issues...thank you for hearing me out...
  • the_randomizer

    I'm not as physically or mentally healthy as I should be

    So, to start off, I used to be in great shape, kept the same weight for three years in fact, when I live in Japan anyway. I rode my bike and walked everywhere, I kept a healthy 180-185 pounds (82 to 74 kg) during my stay as an intern. That being said, when I got back I got a call center job, I lost motivation to exercise because I felt "too tired" to do anything when I got home. Well, off and on, I tried to get into an exercise regimen, I would start off for a few days, feel pretty good and then, I would just stop, and sure enough over time, I gained more weight than I could ever ask for. My current weight is something I don't publicly disclose, but I will say it's a lot higher than when I was at my healthiest, I now have quite a gut. That alone, having extra weight around the waist puts extra strain on my body, my organs, and if I don't do something now, there will more than likely be serious consequences when I'm older. I signed up for Vasa a few months back, and I did go for a couple of weeks, but like before, I stopped going because of lack of motivation and discipline, I don't know what to do.

    I want to lose as much weight and fat as I can (fat mostly), and get down to close to where I weighed before, back in 2007 or so. The problem is I don't know where to begin, what I can do to motivate myself, if I need to get others to help me or support me, I don't know. I'm not happy about myself, my appearance, my confidence, when one thing like physical health is down, mental, spiritual, etc is all affected. I'm not nearly as happy as I could be, while I'm not necessarily depressed, I've been resorting to using strong, foul language under my breath at drivers that piss me off. I need help...losing weight, exercising, feeling better about me and life in general, you know? I just...have no idea where to begin >.<

    Thanks for taking the time to read my venting.
    MicmasH_Wii likes this.
  • the_randomizer

    Unsure what to do about debt

    So, a while back I had to use care credit during a period of joblessness to pay for a couple of dental crowns, and the credit obviously was able to cover the costs. Well, over time I was able make payments here and there, small, but payments nonetheless. That being said, earlier this year, I lost my job and had to block the loan company from taking money out I didn't have in my bank, and I kept getting more and more statements about how much I owed. Sure enough, I called my bank recently to unblock the loan company since I have a job now, turns out I've been royally screwed. To back up a bit, I was going to pay my payment on Synchrony Bank, who I did the loan through for Care Credit, well, my account was mysteriously not there, so I called them and sure enough, they told me they sold my account to ANOTHER company called Midland Credit, so I call them. Nope, account is in limbo since they transferred it recently (Synchrony Bank), in the end, I have to wait at least two weeks before I can pay off my balance on my loan. My question is, why the hell did they not tell me they were going to transfer it over to Midland Credit? Shouldn't they have at least sent me an email on the 22nd, the day they start the account transfer? To me, that sounds like a very shady business practice, especially when it was done without my consent.

    I am very tempted to not pay my loan for some time now, just out of spite for what they did without my consent. Or, even better, spend the $200 or so I was gonna pay for the late payment for a 3DS XL instead. Okay not really, but you see where I'm coming from. How can I be expected to make payment if my account is in limbo?:glare: What do you guys suggest? Oh and once I get this paid off, I'm never taking out a bloody loan again.
  • the_randomizer

    Help with anger management?

    I need help, or rather, I need to vent, given my recent reactions to certain people on other locations (or other forums not here, but elsewhere), it's evident that I've issues with controlling my anger. I obviously don't want to get more personal, however, I need to get this off of my chest; there was an incident on another forum where...I didn't realize that someone's post was clearly facetious and I lost my temper, thinking he was legitimately being condescending to the OP of that thread. Suffice to say, things got ugly and I used language that I feel horrible for using. Obviously, I can't take it back, I didn't handle the way an exemplary adult my age should, but the thread devolved for a time, it's back to normal now. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is why I'm so quick to anger whenever I see certain posts, what triggers them, why I let things get the better of me, and so on. So that thread was just an example, but there other certain triggers that do it for me, unfortunately, and by me saying this, I can assume that many will lose respect for me for being so open about this issue I have. I'm clearly not as positive as I could be, nor do I see the big picture, i.e. when someone has a certain bias or has an opinion, they're neither right nor wrong necessarily, they're using their rights to express their thoughts and feelings, and I need to respect that. I sometimes wonder what's wrong with me and why I either overreact or just use said vile language. I know people swear casually and I've no problem with that at all, my problem is I go beyond that in heated discussions and it's something I feel absolutely horrible doing.

    I don't know what to do about my anger problems, it's rather sad, actually, but I come before you, the Temp, a cry for help if you will, I don't want this to get any worse than it already is, it's bad though, not having job and not being in the best physical shape doesn't help any, you know, but any feedback, advice, etc is greatly appreciate, and thank you all ^_^
    MicmasH_Wii likes this.
  • the_randomizer

    I need help making amends

    I know I just made a blog entry not too long ago, but I'm at a loss as far as making amends with someone I deeply offended two months ago. It hurts, a lot, and I wish I never said those horrific things to this person's friend. Here's the lowdown, there were two friends, one I knew and met personally, and the other I didn't know all that well, both are fox owners. The one I didn't know well unfriends me because, well, probably to purge her list to only people she knows, I took it personally as usual, go fig, so I emailed her, calling her out. It was not a good day, very stressed out, but I don't remember why. I used language I rarely used against people I know. Well, it went to hell in a hand basket, she was rightfully livid, threatened to press charges if I emailed her again and I thought that was the end, so I dropped it. Oh no, that wasn't the end, she not only posted the private email conversation on Facebook, but this alienated a couple of other people I knew, this leads me to the other fox owner I was friends with. She PMs me, tells me that she found out what I told her other friend via email, is clearly disappointed at my severe negativity and doesn't want said negativity and unfriends me as well. Now, I obviously deeply regret saying those horrifically trenchant things. She hasn't blocked me, surprisingly, and even talked to me a couple of times since, but only small talk; at this point, I don't know what to do, I want to make amends, I don't like leaving these things unresolved and alone to fester only for it to get worse and worse. The fact I alienated and deeply offended another unknowingly tears me up inside, I'm normally not like this. I attempted to send an apology a while back, a sincere but short one, and so far, no response from her, but not blocked either. I'm getting mixed signals from this, if she would have blocked me, she would have done so by now, but hasn't, not that I'm complaining. I don't know if I should keep waiting, send her an apology card with some flowers, publicly apologize for calling the original member out, I'm so conflicted.

    To sum up, I don't know why I did what I did, why I can't seem to make amends, and why I have a hard time letting it go and forgiving myself for having used such fierceness in my email. :( Sometimes, like now, I'm reading her posts, my close fox owner friend I alienated, and it hurts, it makes me want to cry at the thought I may never be able to speak to her, much less see her ever again :( I really don't know what to do...
    MicmasH_Wii and Margen67 like this.