VRChat - Finding happiness?May 27, 2020
It's been a good minute since I've been active here or done anything, so if you don't know me, that's fine. I used to love helping out in the 3DS section into life kicked my rear and I went on a roller coaster of jobs. After my depression episode, I ended up quitting my job, as it was probably a stressor in me falling into depression without me realizing it. My new job is better, but def still not perfect, however, it has allowed me enough time to explorer VRChat.
So... VRChat... this, has truly changed the way I see myself, the way I feel about myself and allowed me to express and be someone I could only ever imagine being in the real world. It's allowed me to face a lot of fears that once have kept me from doing things I should have been doing. One of those is dancing.
I want to say this has really helped me push past depression and possibly helped me find happiness being me?
So here's a highlight of me dancing in VRChat:
I'm the second one to the left. I think I'm some sort of squirrel anime girl lol
I don't know if I'll be active around temp. I mean I like to login and see what's going on, from time to time, but I don't think anyone would miss me here. I mean, I don't even know what the latest Switch or 3DS stuff is for that matter anyways lol
Depression - What is it?Nov 2, 2019
I honestly don't know why I am writing this. Or why I feel this way. Yet a part of me, feels.... "hurt" - If I had to put more words to it, it feels like a deep pain in my gut, and I feel like at any moment I could cry. And this feeling it feels like it keeps growing and growing.... why? I know this feeling well. From times, I've felt like there wasn't a single solution or a single person out there that wanted to listen. Nothing I do right now, seems to make this feeling go away.... Yet even though I'm in this state, it's like my logical mental state is running at 300%, reminding me, of everything I've done, everything that has passed, of how I have gotten through this, through worse, and while I'm feeling like this, I wonder what is depression? Is it, this feeling? Why is it happening now? It doesn't make sense.... All I know is I want it to go away... but it doesn't, like it's telling me, I've always been this way... always been this broken and hurt. Yet logically, I know that's not true, it can't be true. I feel like, I have done a lot, changed a lot since the last time I was here, since the last time I remember clawing and fighting my way out of here, but here I am, on the verge of tears, and this time, I am honestly scared, because I don't know why.
I guess the only thing for me to do is to reach out for help and just do things. I'm hoping this feeling will go away, maybe not today but with time.
Bought a PS2Aug 24, 2019
So on a whim, I decide to buy a PS2 Slim. I faintly remember the scene back then, and so I knew that Phat PS2 with an HDD Adapter was the best option to get, but that's not what I ended up going for. I went for the Slim, for two big reasons, this one was chipped and had the IDE mod done to it. SO WITH THAT IN MIND. My mind went wild with a crazy idea. Get an IDE to mSATA adapter, and plug that into the mod, and load my backups through that.
So what chip did it come with? The DSM4 Pro, which uses Toxic OS, now, while the chip works and it does a pretty OK job at everything it was made for at the time, it's not that important to me. It is nice to have this though in my collection now.
What about the IDE-to-mSATA idea? Surprisingly, it worked. IT ACTUALLY WORKED. However, I did have to format it with wLaunchELF's HDDManager, and use hdl_dumb to load games onto it. But once, I figured that out, everything else was pretty straight forward. OPL sees the games and they load fine. It's actually hilarious, seeing an mSATA 1TB connected to a PS2. Here's a screenshot of ToxicOS loading it:
Here is one from wLaunchELF:
So far, have been enjoying Xenosaga, Dot Hack, and looking forward to playing others great titles from my childhood.
Now, I could have probably ran the games on PCSX2, BUT there's just something about running stuff on real HW that brings me joy and now, I have an excuse to start getting some physical PS2 games back into my collection LOL
Probably going to look at what other old systems I decide to get and mod, but that's a project for another day.
Never Give Up - My battle with depressionJun 25, 2018
I've actually haven't really been active here at all, so if you don't know me, I am Cerise and I used to be active here helping in the 3DS forums. Now, if you do know me a bit, and read my last blog, then you might think that I am just a super happy person, which at the time was true... but then something happened to me in the last year, to shatter that, I guess life decided to start kicking my butt. A lot of bad unfortunate events began happening to my family, which affected me, and it became harder to smile, the people I cared about most, I wasn't able to do much for them, I felt weak and useless, and things didn't get better after that, I was also jobless and got involved in accident during this time, and had been in a bad relationship. I felt completely broken and alone during this time, I was in a place that I had been in when I was younger, and a place I swore I would never be in again. I guess never say never, huh? But even though, I was there again, and even though I was so empty and depressed, there was a part of me, that just didn't want to give up, how could I? That part of me, wanted to show the people who had hurt me, that I could be better, that I could help my family, that I didn't need anyone by me.
It was probably around a time like this, 3-4AM EST, while still feeling pretty shitty about where I was and how nothing was going my way, that I came across multiple internship job listings. No "real" jobs were calling me, so why not just resort to internships then? I mean, they can't all say no, can they? And what if they did? Fuck them then. I applied to them all, as best I could. About two weeks passed, and randomly, I got a call from one of them, they wanted to setup an interview. At first, I couldn't believe it, I honestly thought I was dreaming, I mean, it was an internship position, but I had basically resigned myself to being unhirable. I showed up to the interview, leading up to this point, I was completely nervous, what would they think of me, would I be the ideal intern? Maybe it was a mistake? Then before I knew it, I was in the room with them, talking about technology and why I liked it so much and what I wanted out of this internship, and before I knew it, it was over. It wouldn't be another two weeks, when I got an acceptance email with a start date. I was shocked. I cried, but for the first time in months, these were happy tears. I had been in such a hole of depression, that I had almost forgotten what it meant to be excited and happy for something.
My time at the internship job was great actually, other interns had been accepted, and no one was promised a full time job, only possibilities of getting other contract jobs in IT, with possibilities for full time work after contracts. During my time here though, I excelled and took it seriously, little did I know, that I was referred by the staff there to another company for full time work, before I knew it, about 5 months had passed at the internship, and now I was interviewing at another place for the chance to get a full-time job. I aced the interviews and I couldn't believe it, I was hired as a full-time employee at another company. I thanked the people at my internship job for all their help and support.
However, this is where things took a turn. Yes, I was hired, but in my opinion, I had been hired by the devil, kind of. My "actual" boss, was pretty great, except, my boss was to busy to deal with me or train me, which looking back on, I get, if you're the big boss of technology at a moderately sized company. The manage on the other hand, he was the devil. He made my time here, literal hell. I wasn't in a good place emotionally, so to be treated like crap, just made me hate myself a lot. While I had excelled at my internship, here I was treated like I was lucky to be there, and that everything I knew about technology was actually crapshot in a real IT work environment. I had to resolved people's problems with the least tools available, compared to other techs at the company, simply because I wasn't trusted enough to make the right calls. I eventually got more and more tools to help me out, but if I made a single mistake, it was over, and it did happen. I messed up once, and all those Admin rights I had worked for? Gone, just like that. I had lost all confidence in myself as a worker by the 4th month there. I showed up hating myself and waiting for the final minute where I could rush out the door and not come back... until the next day... I especially looked forward to weekends... During my time here, I also didn't make friends with anyone, I had closed myself up, I hated my manager, and I hated my co-workers. My co-workers were pretty much not helpful at all. When I had the answer, and it was correct, they'd just ignore me, only for it to come up, that I had been right, but for them to make me feel like an idiot for how I arrived to the answer. I mean, some of the solutions, really didn't require the 100 question game, why? Because if you knew how that worked, you'd know the error is only really ever thrown when that happens. OK, maybe, just maybe that error can appear outside of that, who knows, but it was easy to check if it was that, by just checking. If the check revealed that was missing, OK, that's 99% the culprit. But nooooooooo. We have to be 200% sure that is the problem or solution. Whatever. At this point, I didn't care, if anything it just made me a worse employee as I would ask stupid questions, just to have the answers to them, so if my manager looked at my work, he'd be happy, and it also wasted time for me. Oh, and the ticketing/knowledge base system at this place? Terrible. I tried my best to make it better, but instead got yelled at for being too detailed, in my head, I was like, what? our knowledge base practically returns 0 results for fixes because of lack of keywords or steps. Whatever. I had given up. I hated my job, I hated myself, and I hated everyone around me. I was done... this was the end of my recovery, I was now back to the hole I had almost climbed out of....
Then... I decided... no, this can't be the end... It can't be.... I'm not the problem... They are. I still have things to learn, yeah? But I shouldn't be treated like crap. I can be the best employee.... I can be the BEST. PERIOD. I reached out to the people at my internship, and spoke to someone I trusted, and let them know, that things weren't going so great, and that I wanted to quit. He talked me out of it, and instead encouraged me to re-write my resume, and with his help, I did, and out it was to multiple places it went. Now, remember how companies weren't calling? Or how other internship places probably never even reached out. This was the first time, I was getting calls. Out of 10 places I applied, about 3 would call. It would be two months of calls and interviews, before I eventually found my current job. It was actually a bit depressing getting an interview, then later being told they went with a better hire. But looking back at it now, I had actually gotten an interview! A year ago, I wasn't even getting calls! But I guess during that time, I just wanted out of my current hell, that any rejection hurt.
Then it happened, a job called me, they setup the interview, and this time, I got a call back for a second one. I'll be honest, I almost tanked the second phase, but I somehow salvaged it at the last second, and the person seemed impressed. It would be another month, before I got the job offer here, and boy, as soon as I got it, I signed right away. Possibility to travel to places, all paid? Sure! Why not! Of course, travelling won't even be considered until after you've been there 6 months and they feel you have a grasp on how their technology and servers work. I put in my two weeks notice at my old place, and I looked forward every fucking day to the last day there. Now, here's where things get a bit weird. The last two weeks at my old place, where actually the best, maybe it was because they knew I was leaving, so I was actually being treated nice. Maybe they were scared I'd tell HR that I was leaving cause I was being treated like shyt? Who knows, but one thing is for sure, it felt really nice, being treated nice, no I never told HR that my co-workers sucked. To be honest, why would they care anyways? HR is more concerned with preventing a lawsuit against the company, that's all HR really cares about. On my last day, they also got me pizza, which was pretty fucking sweet, and I won't lie. As I walked out... as I drove off... I started crying... why was I crying? I hated this place, I hated it... and yet, I was crying... I wouldn't be back... a place that had been to for about 8 months... I stopped for a few minutes and cried, and then when I had finally composed myself, drove off from that place, for the last time.
Now, at my current job, things have been amazing! My co-workers are pretty cool, even though they can be sarcastic assholes at times, but it's all in good jest, if you're ever really struggling, they jump in. We all help each other, and everything is pretty laid back. The paychecks are nice too! Going from being paid minimum wage, to being payed 17 an hour to now making 24 an hour is insane! Oh, and the funny thing is, recruiters have been hitting me up and telling me of more positions, which tbh, I've actually told them, I'd love to hear more about, but I am currently happy at my position, so the pay has to be a lot better than what I am making now. So, can't wait to see what my next place pays out. But to be honest, it's not the pay that has made me happy, it's the environment and how I feel. During all this rollercoster with my career, I've also helped my family a bit more with stuff, and things have stabilized.
And to the person that broke my heart, I really only have two words to say to you. Fuck you.
And to anyone reading this, even if you're in a bad place, please don't give up. I won't lie to you, bad things will happen, but don't let that stop you or keep you down. If you're depressed, stop thinking that everything is impossible, and that you won't make it out. If you honestly believe it is impossible to get out of there, then do yourself, and everyone else a favor. Prove it. Prove it's impossible to achieve your goals and dreams, because hey, you might just end up doing the impossible. So never give up.
Also, if you do think of giving up, reach out to someone, anyone. There's always someone that'll be willing to hear you out. Sometimes talking to a stranger can help. For me, it was actually @SkyDX - If you're reading this, thanks for listening to me, you don't know how much our chats helped me out of dark times. Hoping you're doing well. Sorry I never replied to your last message.
Random Thoughts of a Random Girl~Jun 16, 2016
So, I just want to say this, I really love this community~! <3
There are things that do annoy me here and there. Like the shitposters that leak into actual threads, that seem to be asking for a ban. Or people who don't take advice from other Tempers, like why ask if you're just going to do it anyways? Like fo real yo, makes me want to go slap them IRL and break their 3DS and do other things that are illegal and will not be mentioned here.
But apart from that, I really do love this community. I don't honestly remember what drove me to hit that Sign Up button. I am a very introverted person. (I've taken personality quizes ) According to them my personality is a "INFP-A - The Mediator" type. And I would actually agree, so would a lot of my friends.
I am extremely shy, but only at first, like most of my friends can't believe I am shy, because once they've gotten inside my shell, they say I talk a lot, and I am always trying to be happy and fun and encouraging. I wouldn't say that I haven't gotten depressed or had my dark moments, but I try to put those feelings aside, and address them ASAP, because letting them control you is unhealthy. I've been there, to the point where I was suicidal at one point, but I reached out for help because I wanted something better for myself. My friends get surprised that I've had an intense moment like that, some have even told me that, sometimes they feel like I shine and bring so much positive energy every where I go, and I just laugh and tell them, I am just me! Cerise~!
But yeah, like I was saying, I don't know why I hit that button. If anything, I was actually a bit worried, because what if I tried to help others, but my advice was wrong? What if people started just ignoring me and stuff? I know these are stupid things to worry about, but those were genuine things that concerned me, but somehow, I looked past that, and signed up, and have made so many posts and I'm really glad I did.
Like I've said, I really love this community~ <3 I also like to thank all the amazing devs and all the other amazing helpful Tempers that are part of this community~ (As for the bad apples, I hope you get what's coming to you~ just saying~)
PS: If you've read this far, got a question for you, what type of personality type are you? Please use a quiz that uses the Myers–Briggs Type Indicator to determine this, as I don't care for the ones people make and use for fun.
Edit: As said in one of my comments, please don't take the quiz if you don't want to, this is just for fun~ The quizzes I refer to that I don't care for are the ones that are "What Disney Character are you more like?"