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I failed my first driving license test. knowing that most people don't pass the first time, it didn't surprise me.
What did surprise me was how hard it is to attain perfection. That's what they expect from me, to perfectly obey the law and not put anyone in danger when I drive.
They expect me to do so even at the most dangerous circumstances, such as going through a lane which half of it is blocked by construction workers, without going over the restricting line which most corners have in order to divide the road.
It happened to me, and if only i turned my wheel a bit more to the left, the instructor wouldn't touch the wheel himself. Even if i wanted to remain optimistic, from the moment he had to touch the wheel, i had a feeling i wouldn't pass the test.
as an after-thought, it actually makes me feel bad, but at the same time i feel confident getting to know later what counts as an error and what's not.
The good thing is that i can always try again around 2-3 weeks later, and i can always try again and again. it's not like high school exams where the amount of times people could retake the finals was limited to certain dates and only about 2-3 times.
Unfortunately, due to holidays and stuff, the actual list of errors will be sent to me only tomorrow. usually it's sent either at the same day i take the test, or the day afterwards.
It sucks because I basically need to stay in the dark for a few days, not knowing completely what i did wrong. at that short time, it's a waste. i want to take a few more lessons and go for another shot!
I wouldn't say i'm a bad driver, but i'm not good enough to be recognized legally as a safe driver. There aren't really any other options besides taking the test again, but at the very least, i would feel less stressed and have time to improve specifically on my mistakes, so i won't repeat them ever again.
After all, there are roads with more than a single lane, and there are roads with more than a single driver.
ironic as it is, it's in my nickname.
The stress before the driving license test, AKA "nobody shuts up when i need time for myself".
Honestly, i've been quite optimistic until just an hour ago, because apparently people have better things to inform me when it ain't the time for that.
I ended up yelling at my mom, 10 minutes before my driving lesson. feels bad, and i had to carry that sentimental feeling throughout the lesson.
I drove in a highway today, and i got so frigging scared for how fast i had to drive. I could feel the car moving my chest forward, like if i make one mistake, it's all over.
To add more salt to injury, i had to drive home a young couple, who both had their license tests, and they made me lose focus constantly.
I actually drove worse than i ever did in any lesson, to the point i lost all my optimism on passing the test.
Karma's a bitch, you know? I say bad things to people, and nature itself pulls a debuff over my body, at the most crucial time.
To be fair, i haven't slept that much lately, mostly because my dad keeps coughing and making noise almost all the time.
It feels like i'm on the verge of snapping out on him, and knowing how things work at my home, getting mad will lead me nowhere.
Today I learned that whenever i'm both mentally and physically tired at the same time, i shouldn't drive. Of course no one has control over nature and on other people, so anything could happen in a matter of minutes, even seconds!
I also learned that i'm a pussy when it comes to driving fast(we're talking about constant 80+ km/h). my teacher told me that the tester will take note of that, so either way, i can't move any slower.
Ugh, my head hurts...and the fact that the neighborhood are noisy as heck lately, doesn't make my condition any better.
...not that kind of meaning lol
You see, today I had my first Saxophone lesson! (*imaginary audience clapping*) I was pretty lucky to end up with a cool teacher as well.
Honestly, i liked the lesson. straight to the point, straight to the basics, no complaints from the teacher.
When it comes to how I play the Sax, it's easy to produce sound and keep the beat intact, but producing a specific type of the same tone, is pretty frigging hard.
What made it hard for me was using the tongue. I automatically produce air from the neck, but the teacher tells me to NOT use it while i exhale air to the mouthpiece.
It's even harder when i realized that i need to place my tongue below the mouthpiece(close to the reed), when i've been placing it above it all the time. not to mention the reed below that itches me in the tongue if i touch it while producing sound, and putting distance is so hard because i automatically flip my tongue up.
Funny thing is, despite putting my tongue above the mouthpiece, i still produce some amazing sounds. If i'll end up with a career in the far future, i'm gonna call my solo performance/stage name, "The Upper Tongue".
Fortunately, since my mom is a vocal pedagogy teacher, she agreed to help me practice tongue control tomorrow. But yeah, i didn't expect to do everything fine on my first lesson, and surprisingly enough, i'm a quick-learner, so I already got songs for homework. The sound itself is lovely and funky. Plenty of potential ahead :3
Also got a scheduled date for my driving license test. naturally i'm a bit nervous, but i'll get over it. as we all know, there's always next time in case someone fails.
Sometimes I really enjoy when my goals get closer to me faster than I thought.
It's like fate is so unpredictable, that there's no way to determine how a person's life would either enter a mess or gain a reward.
So yeah, I passed the intern test with flying colors. despite being nervous before it started, i felt quite calm while driving.
Apparently i drove so great, that my teacher suggested to start preparing for the license test. we're currently waiting for a scheduled day which i can take the test.
But I can't really be perfectly optimistic. You see, some testers are assholes. like, waaay before i was born, some testers would give a no-pass grade on purpose. nowadays it's non-existent, but there's still testers who really got...well, to be honest, they got massive amount of ego.
I'm very sensitive in general, and the chance to be tested by these kind of testers worries me a lot.
then again, it's not like i only have one chance. if i won't pass, i'll try again. and again. until i finally pass the test.
and when i will be able to hold my own driving license, i'm gonna travel around the country, while keeping music fitting to enjoy the scenery.
Oh and i rented a Alto Saxophone. rent is preeeetty cheap, and the instrument is in great condition. my first lesson also starts this week, and it'll be on a once a week basis.
it's gonna be a long road, but i'll do my best to enjoy it.
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I'm already too old for school, but not too old to learn stuff.
It's always refreshing when i see a great number of students going with their backpacks to this educational thing called "school", but as a 24 years old lad, today is just like every other day.
So i'm gonna learn to play the Saxophone. pretty cool, funky, right? weeeeeell... there's a few steps to make that happen.
I need to rent an instrument, find a teacher who agree to teach me everything, and because these lessons most likely take place at my house, i need to find the best time without interruptions.
Not to mention that my mother herself is a vocal pedagogy teacher, so it shouldn't clash with her lessons.
Either way, i'm hooked for this. It's better than groaning in agony all week about how unemployed I am and keep complaining. learning to play an instrument might be a great source of motivation!
I mean, once i'll be experienced enough, i could practice stuff that i find on my own, and even make my own melodies!
Also driving lessons update: learned how to park in reverse recently. i learned that many people need at least 5 lessons to perfect it, but for me it only took 2!
still need to go through the intern test and the license test before i can drive on my own, but progress is preeeeetty smooth~
(Technically Summer isn't over yet, but it does feel like it.)
To be honest, I write these blogs because i enjoy when people show interest on what I share, but it's up to you whenever you see that desire as attention seeking or just as desperate struggle to have friends.
For me, i'll admit it's both.
My summer was more like the previous months, not meeting up with anyone for a friendly hang out, nor romantically.
I neglected my desire to have real friends because it stops me from focusing on my life goals.
The sad truth is, that even without that, i couldn't achieve my current goal: getting a job.
But it's natural that after almost 2 years of searching, a man like myself would lose his motivation, his determination, his hope.
And when i lose hope, it's either complaining till the end of time, or take a break and regain the stuff i lost.
Soooo...i'm gonna do something about it! And my plan is to learn how to play an instrument.
"So simple! But why?" Well, my parents have been involved in music for most of their life. my mom is a Vocal Pedagogy teacher, and previously, worked as a music teacher at school(she even sang in the opera at some point), while my dad sings in concerts nowadays. my step-brother also works in music, and has been a drummer for many years. he owns a studio now, and got lots of projects to work on.
I've been rejecting that path for many, MANY years, and only saw it as an hobby(playing the piano by ear), which is weird, because i do have potential.
And that's why i thought recently: "Well, i love music, and if it's possible, maybe learning to play something new, would bring back my motivation."
With that said, i'm planning to learn how to play the Saxophone starting this September. I always loved jazz, and this instrument is perfect for that genre.
Sure, it might take years until i gain enough knowledge and experience in order to take that to the next level, but my mom tells me a lot recently: "You're still young. why rushing? Nothing forces you to hurry in life. you do."
I do have expectations to write my own music sheets once i'll be capable to do that. W-Well, first of all I need to learn how to read music sheets, haha..
Guess I'll give it a shot.
Also driving progress: already done over 20 lessons, and my intern test is very close. not so sure about the license test, but it's not like everyone pass it on their first try.
Test's pretty tough.
When I was in elementary school, earning money was never an option(except weekly pocket money). It was always hard when there are so many games to play, but I couldn't afford them.
That's when I discovered emulation....well, old hardware emulation. A huge library of old school games on my cheap PC, and as a kid, I wasn't aware of how problematic is piracy.
After I learned basic English, I could figure out how to use the internet properly, and started looking up on stuff regarding emulation.
Of course when it comes to the power level of the mysterious English language back in the day, I was too weak and couldn't understand most of the stuff I found.
But the procedure was really really simple: download a file, look it up on the emulator, launch it, and BAM! video game! I didn't realize about graphical enhancements or any of those weird settings, but I accidentally found out I could speed up the game. it was a cheap method to skip dialogues which I didn't care about, or just go straight to the point. later I found out about savestates, and how convenient they are.
before my 6th year, my brother told me that my PS2 can have a modchip installed. He invited a friend who soldered it right away! and from since then, I've been burning DVD discs like crazy.
And then when I entered my 2nd year of middle school, I wanted a Nintendo DS. But because of all those games around my head, I was worried. I already got a PSP with CFW, but I needed more variety!
It was at that time when a local toy store near my house, had a R4 flashcard in stock. I learned how to setup everything, got a DS for my birthday, and put loads of roms on a regular basis.
And then with the whole Anti-Piracy methods, YSMenu, even installed plenty of themes, it was a blast.
before my high school debut, I bought a Korean Wii with softmod, but it was a disaster. some games didn't work, others crashed my Wii.
So I checked the internet, and that's when I discovered it: GBAtemp! I was lurking for years here, but the forums gave enough advice and suggestions for homebrew, so I could handle all my issues just fine.
….well, except the fact that the specific softmod was cheap.
And that's where things became...quite complicated on my end. I've asked someone to install Cobra ODE on my PS3, and accidentally broke support through a firmware update(nowadays there's a universal method, but i'm not using my PS3 anymore). the whole thing put a lot of stress on my skin.
After high school graduation, I bought a 3DS. the 3DS hacking scene was still fresh, but it was around that time when discussions of homebrew have started.
And throughout all these years, even with my current adult-like way of thinking, I find the 3DS hacking methods too hard to understand, and requires to invest money on other tools just to hack that precious piece of an handheld.
New terms, methods, caution over firmware updates, it's still scary due to the fact that it's possible to brick my 3DS. so I do not have the confident to hack it all by myself.
Did I try to ask here? ...yes, I did, but it didn't help much. I mean, I'm not an engineer and never soldered anything in my entire life, not to mention that English isn't my primary language.
And now with the Switch hacking scene....well, way more complicated on my end. loads of new terms, methods, some of which require physical setup, the whole situation with patched units, etc etc.
I do want to buy a Switch in the future, but at the same time, I want to buy it so I could hack it. But if the current methods are too complex, it turns me off from buying a Switch.
Did I try to ask here? ...well, yeah, but the first comment pretty much told me to lose all hope on it unless I buy a Switch unit now(which I can't, since i'm unemployed).
With that said, even with the recently released emuMMC support for Atmosphere, I still hold doubts for success. I know no one in my country who can help me with that, neither install it for me, so it became hard for me to keep up with the current hacking scenes.
Things have really changed over the years, have they...
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Tomorrow my parents are going overseas to travel with a group. This means I have the house all for myself.
While it's pretty awesome and I'll have way more peace and quiet, I can't bother thinking that I have no one to invite here.
So I've come with a workaround: try to contact again with my partners.
I usually don't talk about my sex life, but in general, I prefer it to stand under mutual interest.
There are many girls who can turn 180 degree on their personality when they aren't satisfied.
One of them demanded money from now on, and others treated me like a tool. I do not want to talk with these girls anymore.
Those that are nice...well, are nice. It's more than just banging each other, because if there's something wrong in their life, I don't mind just listening to them, and they listen to mine.
I told them about my current situation, and they understood why I don't want to engage in "sexual interaction" for the time being, but now I feel more confident to meet them again.
I think it's due to my driving lessons and my progress at looking for a job. People were right when they told me i'll feel much better when I have something to do in my life.
Furthermore, 12 days without parents is still satisfying by itself:
There's no one to bother you while you sleep, you can decide when to turn the lights off at home, you can play in the living room whenever you want since there's no one who watch TV there, really these kind of stuff.
I still do have to keep my responsibilities though, like washing the dishes and taking care of laundry, but these are just small things.
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Usually around here, most people already aim for driving license in high school. Some people I knew back then, passed on first try at 11th grade, while others passed before graduation.
As for me, I was a coward. I resisted studying for the theory test, because I was afraid of driving.
Today, 24 years old, I got over that fear, and took my first driving lesson.
It's a great feeling, knowing that you have full control over the car, unlike in video games when I had to rely on a controller.
I did realize that despite not having any experience driving a real car, I do have enough awareness due to experience with realistic Rally racing games.
Basically, I've realized that turning the car to the right or left requires accurate steering, rather than spinning the wheel AAAAALL THE WAY to the side. same goes for acceleration and the brakes.
It's like all these years of looking at other drivers and understanding how things work, led me to understand better how real driving works.
However, it's not enough. practice is key. while I have the knowledge, my body needs to get used to the system.
My foot still can't step itself firmly on the gas, but it can change between gas and brake correctly whenever I need.
To be honest, the thing which lets me signal the cars around me if I turn left or right, it's pretty nice. just a flick of the finger downward or upward and it pulls itself back when I finish the turn.
Ah, I forgot to mention i'm studying automatic. most people I know only studied that, so I don't want to risk it with manual.
(although in Rally racing games I do use manual, since handling automatic with a controller doesn't work well for me)
Anyway, overcoming my fear of taking the wheel gave me confidence to continue driving, despite all those dangerous scumbags who don't drive properly.
So, it's been a long time since I wrote a blog. a year, huh... well, I just wanna write what I've been feeling for a while.
Still unemployed, so most of my connections were through online. I've had only 3 friends, and we ended our friendship 2 months ago.
Even the people I used to talk with on discord every day, we couldn't put our differences aside and they also got away from me.
This forum? Well, there are plenty of good people here, but not anyone I'd like to talk with every day...maybe, maybe not. I don't know.
The thing is, I've been talking with plenty of people on an "open thread", running through Disqus. Some of them are great people, but then there's that thing which have been bugging me on every single group I took part in: the guy who wants to annoy me intentionally.
There always was that kind of guy, and that thread was no exception. after enduring his humiliation for months after months, tonight I deleted my Disqus account, since that thread was the only place I used that account for.
Long story short, as of this moment, I have no one to talk with at all. Except those who I talk with that help me on my personal life(job finding, driving lessons, etc etc), there's no one else.
And that hurts like shit. 24 years old, and I literally have no friends. I do not deserve this fate!
But just like anyone, I can change my fate. If people like me here, I would like to stay in touch with those people.
Yet I keep reminding myself that the world doesn't always work like how I want.
My personal goals in life will lead me to meet up with new people, but that doesn't guarantee these people would be my new friends.
So maybe, just maybe...being lonely is better for now.
Let's start with the conclusion: My country won Eurovision, performance is awesome...but the song just doesn't feel that great.
Now you see, I love music, not just as your average everyday gamer, but as a musician myself.
I play the piano using my ears and memory only, and I have quite a complicated taste in music genres.
For a while I always said "If it's a music included in a video game, I like it". Of course there is bad music as well in video games, b-b-but let's just stick to the topic.
Anyway, our song is called "Toy", which has many impactful messages inside it....but it is sadly overshadowed by it's sexual appeal, making it close to every generic "sex song" nowadays.
I just don't understand what's so cool and touching about that song! I mean our singer has some rad looper and stuff to make the performance absolutely beautiful, but as a song alone....Why this song won the contest?
It's even harder for me now to express my very own opinion on the matter, since other people could distrust me immediately for "poor taste" in music.
In all honesty, other countries had better songs, with some classic rock 'n roll, and similar. Yet our song won..... god damnit.
Now when I say Modern Music, I refer to mostly songs and not music performances.
Some songs are great...but our songs...not so much. yet we won..... faith in modern music lost.
One guy had a talking parrot, and every time the guy brings a girl home, the parrot tells her "you son of a bitch" and other particular insults.
So one day, the guy had enough of that and told his parrot "Listen well. Today i'm bringing another girl here, so if you'll dare to talk, i'm spilling hot water on you"
The parrot said "okay, okay then".
So the night afterwards, the guy brings the girl home, and that girl quickly gets attached to the parrot.
"AWWWWWW can I ask you a few questions?"
The girl asks "If my husband will catch me with another man, what should I tell him?"
The parrot responds "Just tell him it was a plumber man"
The girl continues with another question, "But what if there are 2 guys?".
And of course, the parrot responds "Just tell him they were electricians"
And lastly, the girl asks "But what if there are 3 guys?"
The parrot stares at the guy, and says "Okay bring the hot water, she's a fucking bitch"
Yesterday, there was a TV article about an event I attended around 2 weeks ago, where I sat in the audience and most of us asked questions and shared our honest opinions and feelings.
Luckily, I was one of the few lucky people to get their moment recorded into the article, and even more lucky that mine was the first one to be shown!
Even before the article showing, I was full of excitement while I also felt shivers all over my body.
But in the end, I burst out of emotions when I saw myself speaking on TV. Truly an unforgettable experience
As a lecturer, I had chances to appear in newspaper and radio shows, but never once in my life until now, I had a chance to appear on TV.
I can proudly say that another goal in life has been fulfilled~
So today I became level 4. Yup, while it might seem ridiculous, I don't really concentrate on this system at all.
In fact, just getting the last remaining XP freed me from my addictive desire..
For me, to level up is pretty difficult in real life. Getting a job is just like applying to an RPG Character Class, with getting promoted counts as a level up.
Your meaning of level up in your personal life might differ from mine, but in rare cases, I feel stronger when I have opportunities to create positive impact on people.
I've been a lecturer for a while, well.. as an activist in my involved community, and as more as I found chances to lecture, the more I realized when I really feel satisfied.
Normally, finishing a Course exam with a high grade can be considered an achievement, but if that gives an opportunity for further studies and involvement, that's definitely a level up.
However, at times where I fall down to my own failures, keep thinking about the consequences, I find my level number decreasing little by little.
Yes, it's like a parameter which keeps checking your condition, based on your health, mentality, desires, motivation, etc etc.
So even though i'm level 4 now on GBATemp, I don't really mind that number. I don't want people to appreciate my submissions and ideas only to get more XP, but to create opportunities for social interactions.
Whenever it's for the memes, or for a serious and honest brain-storming, as long as it's possible in this forum, I don't mind staying level 4 forever.
Probably one of the more realistic blogs i'll write here, but It's been on my mind last night, so I guess sharing won't hurt anyone.
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It's a sorrowful night, under the full moon, within the castle, I may tire soon.
A tasteful meal, with flesh and meat, to keep my body, grow in a heartbeat.
I sit in my throne, drinking from my glass of wine, until a man appears, who absolutely crossed the line.
He tells me to die, doesn't sound quite like a fan ,which I respond to him loudly, "WHAT IS A MAN!?"
I throw my glass of wine, without any remorse, while he might seem pretty fine, he's got his own purpose.
to quote my answer, "A MISERABLE LITTLE PILE OF SECRETS!", and even as an after thought, I don't have any regrets.
Without thinking twice, I stood in a manner of walk, which I told the insulting guy, with cold eyes, "ENOUGH TALK!"
My vampire blood shivered, while the guy's face turned blue, and not wasting any moment, I told him: "HAVE AT YOU!"
......I need to remind myself to go to sleep early.
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