Das Leben eines EisdachsApr 10, 2020
Previously, on Badger Ball Zed...
"Let me go! You'll die too!" I pleaded to the lass holding me in a powerful grip as the kitten Mouser charged her mega death ray, preparing to blast me and her faithful compatriot to the death.
"It will all be worth it... to be rid of you!" She said, closing her eyes and gritting her teeth.
"Kyah, kyah!" My childselves screeched. Worthless mes... how could we even be related? I thought to myself. Seeing no other recourse, and not wishing to die to the death, I knew that I had only one option left. Indeed, for it was THAT.
"Super... giga... ice... beam!" I shouted, firing the largest igloo out of my eye sockets that I have ever performed yet! The beam was so destructive, that it tore the entire world asunder, then rebuilt it once more - the ice working like stitches to hold the Earth together. The ice killed my multitudes of multi-gendered children, the Mouser, the lass, and 3/4ths of the population - but what mattered in the end was that I survived.
Picking myself up from the wreckage of the now desolate world I wandered the globe for centuries, witnessing the devastation I had caused firsthand. I felt no remorse, as I had no other recourse. I repopulated the Earth, asexually reproducing several hundred times on every continent in the globe. I witnessed first hand as empires grew, fell, regrew, and fell once again. I saw the dragons return, burning what remained of humanity and placing their own government. But they too were overthrown once more, by aliens from a far off planet. But the aliens promptly left, leaving naught but I and my offspring as the last remnants of the planet.
And so, it was my time to rule at last. But I could see the hungry eyes of my underlings, seeking my position of power - and so I constructed a new government, and retired two years later to preserve my life. I served as a minister to the other rulers that followed after me, but after seven thousand years I grew bored and sought to see the Earth once more with my own eyes. I fell in love with a bonny badger lass, and lived in comfort to the end of my days with her... watching the world change and grow for the rest of eternity.
Sometimes a wanderer would come by and ask me if I had regrets - if the destruction of the world and all humanity was worth it. I would simply answer "Who can tell?" For indeed... who could ever tell?
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A Long AbsenceApr 7, 2020
It has been a while since I posted a blog here telling of my daring exploits. People have asked me - nay, begged me to return and tell my tale. But though I heard the cries of the people - alas, I did not care.
Quarantined in my self-made igloo with my childselves, I fear I have begun to lose my mind. The way they prance about, not lifting their feet from the snow - merely dragging their heels about has only managed to infuriate me. I fear I shall lose my composure before long.
T'other day a bonny lass a-came knock-knock-knockin' on my igloo door - I went forward to answer, perhaps they sought refuge in my abode. Or so I hoped. But nay, it was not so! For as I moved my igloo door, a vile miscreant came swooping in from above, giggling, laughing, and tee-heeing all the while.
"Villain!" I shrieked. "What is it you want with me?!"
"Nyohohoho," oddly laughed the fiend, "I have come to eat your soul! Prepare yourself, ice badger!"
"Just try - knave." I saith unto him.
In the blink of an eye with a flurry of snow, the dastard swooped down towards me and my childselves -
"Kyah! Kyah!" My children cried like little anime girls.
"Quiet! This is no time for tears, my other selves! This is the time" - here I put on a pair of sunglasses "for action!"
Firing a barrage of icicles from my eye sockets at the creature, I struck them thrice presently - one in both wings, and one on their navel.
"Nyoooooooooork!" They shouted bizarrely.
"Hmph. Speak thy peace, vandal," I said, striding closer towards them with my octopus tentacles, "tell me - who do you work for?"
"I ain't tellin' you nothin'" they responded, closing one eye.
"Hm. Is that so?" I turned around, my back facing them. "Then I'm sure you wouldn't mind - if I did this!" I produced from behind my back the secret of secrets.
"No. No, it can't be. Not that! Anything but that!!!!"
"Yes, I'm afraid it's true." For in my hands I held it - both Blade Runner movies. Some of the most boringnest things any mortal has ever been forced to look upon with their own two eyeballs.
"If you do not tell me, then I suppose you wouldn't mind if I just turned on all versions of the two movies... and sat a television right in front of you... forcing your eyes open, like in A Clockwork Orange?"
"Please no! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"Then talk!" I shouted, pounding one of my tentacles against the wall.
"Fine," the lass responded at last, "I will tell you. But please - do not force me to experience those pieces of media again."
"I'm listening. Speak." From my eyes I shot out an ice beam, quickly crafted a chair out of it within 2.5 seconds and took a seat, my legs crossed. My offspring surrounded me on all sides, seated about me and waited patiently like it was story time.
"It all began one thousand-five-hundred years ago," said the monstrous lass, "t'was the day when ice badgers were first come into this world. They fought for dominance against all other species, mercilessly turning them into igloos and performing various acts of breakdancing and discovery. On that day, a certain man wandered the world beneath his feet - hungering for both knowledge, and food. After nearly collapsing from exhaustion, he found himself in the land of the ice badgers. They nursed him back to health with water mixed with badger milk, and after a few days he was good as new. He fell in love with a multi-gendered badger gal by the name of Boldisha, and the two of them quietly planned to elope one day and marry. The man told his bride-to-be that he would return five days hence, once he had found his bride a suitable present. But he never returned. She waited for him until her soul was turned into a skeleton at long last, and then she continued waiting. But the man never returned.
Seventy-five years later, the man returned for his bride, but found that she was no more. Though she could asexually reproduce, she declined to do so as she had promised herself to the man. And that is why I am here today."
"Wait. That didn't explain anything. What did that story have to do with you?"
"Oh wait. Sorry, my bad. Told the wrong bit of exposition. Hehe." I smacked a tentacle across her face. "Yow!"
"I knew you weren't the brightest cookie in the cookie patch, but that right there really took the cake. Ugh... now tell me the real reason you're here. Now."
"I was waiting, you see."
"Waiting for what?" I asked.
"Huh?" A wrecking ball of considerable size and weight smashed through the roof of my home, crushing a few of my childselves to jelly.
"Mouse-mouse-mouse-mouse!" Laughed a gray kitten atop a city-planning vehicle. "It is I, Mouser!" The feline murbled three times. "You thought you had blasted me, but now it is I that shall blast you! To the Earth, that is! MOUSE!" The Mouser prepared to set the wrecking ball once more towards my person, but with my lightning-fast reflexes, I performed two double-alligator backflips in a row, kicked off the face of the lass pinned to my igloo and shot three ice beams at the Mouser's face.
"You've tried that trick before, mouse! And it shall not work on me again!" The Mouser murfled with great anger, "Now, begone!" The kitten grasped a mega-death ray, and prepared to fire it at me. I sideflipped seven consecutive times to dodge the rays, but on the eighth jump, I found myself pinned from behind. The lass had me in some form of martial artist's hold!"
"That's good, slave!" Yelled the Mouser with glee, "hold that saucy fellow for me, baby!"
"Yes, O my master!" The kitten's servant said, closing their eyes, preparing for death.
"What are you doing?" I pleaded with the creature. "You'll die too!"
"It will be worth it... so that we can be rid of you."
"Now, hold still, murble." The kitten proclaimed as she charged up her laser.
Wondering how I'll get out of this one? Stay tuned, til next time on Badger Ball Z!
Chapter the Third: Being the Thirdst Parte of Tales of Time Travel, Robots, and AliensFeb 7, 2018
Journeying to a mysterious land, filled with snow-esque powder upon the ground -- suddenly, a mutated zombie-demon leapt from the
crevice of the earth, hoping to feed upon a tasty morsel (mainly of the Shesha's neckmeat variety) when she suddenly, and without warning or
thought, kicked with such force that the mutant monstrosity was
sucked into a different dimension. Drifting through space with an eternity of
oxygen and a feeding tube attatched to his sternum, he floated through the vastness of space for what felt like infinity. Eventually, he just
stopped thinking alltogether.
"Whew. That's what I like to call a sticky situation," said the RDVH.
"You can say that again, Mr. robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse!" Replied Shesha, as they shared a most jolly giggle.
Just then, a crazed looking gentleman wearing a boomstick upon his arm, and a large bloody bag in the other, leapt out spouting various
lines of poetry for seemingly no reason at all.
"Look here," said Shesha, "what is the meaning of this, sir?" She asked.
"Just shut yer trap, ye bonnie lass! You're nothin' but a bairn, so shut yer pie hole!" Replied the bloodthirsty gentleman, biting off his
own tongue and consuming it before their very eyes.
Seeing this, they were so stricken by fear and existential dread that they found they could not even muster the strength to scream, or
"Now, get in the bag, ye gadabouts! We must away to the loch, at once! At once I say!" He opened the bag wide. The two travelers swallowed
hard. It did not appear to be a comforting place in the slightest.
Crying, the RDVH attempted to enter the bag, but found it to be far too small for a dinosaur of his girth.
"I can't fit in the bag," the robotic chimera said.
Producing a rusty knife, riddled in blood stains, the gentleman flashed a demonic smile. "If you can't fit, well, I suppose I do have my
ways." The velociraptor's eyes suddenly grew three sizes that day, and he compressed himself inside with utter fear. "Now, ye lass, 'tis yer
"Nay. I shan't."
"Shan'tin't you?" He raised an eyebrow.
"I shan't not."
"Well, that's too bad. For you, that is!" He then pulled the trigger with his finger, blasting off the right side of Shesha's babelian
body. She screamed in agony as the supreme gentleman stepped forth -- pulling her by the root of her hair, he flung her inside; and she knew no
Many hours hence, Shesha awoke on a crooked bed, in a crooked room, with a crooked windowsill. She would've surely passed out in shock
if she had seen the garish drapes the next room over, but she bit her tongue in order to silence herself.
"Ah, awake I see? I have been quite busy, O baby!" The bloodstained gentleman exclaimed, guffawing loudly as he pointed a crooked finger
at Shesha's lower half. She gasped in fright. Her lower half had been replaced -- by a horse!
"Villain!" She shrieked. "What have you done to us?"
"Oh, just a little experiment is all," he flashed a toothy smile. "Come, look here!" He shouted. She indeed did look, and saw quite a sight.
Her companion's horsey bits had been replaced -- by those of her own lower half! "Hue, hue, hue, hue, hue! I have done it! I have successfully
created the first centuar, and the very first dinosaur man! Fufu! Ufufufufufu!"
"Nay, nay!" They screamed, but their protests reached deaf ears -- for they were now alone in this cold, cold world.
Floating through an infinite space of dazzling light, a familiar face traveled.
"What is this? What is that?" He asked, in confusicated confusion. "Where, O where is that most bonnie lass?"
"Hero... hero," said a voice. "Awaken, O my hero."
"Who doth it be?" Asked he.
"I am but a traveler of this land. A goddess, if you will, holding much power. And you -- you are dead. Your spirit now floats here, in
Gehenna. Your earthly self is no more."
"Indeed. Quite so: quite dead, that is. I fear you have at last become a buttercup of winter."
"No! No! Say it ain't sooooooo!"
"T'is. T'is so, sadly. But that does not mean this is all the end of all things. Offer yourself up unto me -- a slave to my bidding.
Do as I say, do as I bid, and thy heart shall open like a lid!"
"So... a servant I must be, in exchange for that which is most precious to me?"
"Indeed. Do we have a deal, O heroic hero?"
"Yes. We do. I accept your contract!"
"Then it is so. Ehehehe, see ya later!"
With a jolt, Esperanza Cordova sprung to life. "Och, my head. Such a splitting headache...!" Suddenly, he gave a shout. He found he had
two eyes once more, as well as two arms forevermore. "So... it's my time to rule at last! Well then..." Esperanza then leapt to his feet, and
sprung about 12 inches from the ground; for he heard a most familiar scream. He rushed to the vicinity of the noise, finding a crazed man of
dubious class engaged in the act of licking the pits of that bonnie lass.
"Speaketh thy name now, at once, be heard!" Screeched the gentleman, "You! What art thou doing in this, my most humble abode?!"
"Nothing much. Just thought I'd dish out a bit of beach justice!" Leaping into the air, Esperanza shouted "Spinning bird kick!" And
struck the side of the gentleman's head like a locomotive, twisting his neck into a most grotesque shape and snipping the thread that at one
point held his fate in twine. Freeing his compatriots from their shackles, the alien babe at once reawoke, and gasped.
"Esperanza! You are return from death, no longer the destroyer of worlds!" She laughed, hugging him.
"All in a day's work, horsey lass. Now, have you seen-" here he stopped. His one-time companion ~ the dinosaur robot hybrid was no
more. His life blood had been drained from him - indeed, he was a pony no more. "My friend... I was too late..." shedding manly tears, he
returned his friend to the planet ~ and the two travelers resumed their journey again...
As the resurected Esperanza and his companion, the alien Shesha ~ now half horse ~ wandered the world, hearts heavy and full of sadness,
our hero suddenly stopped in his tracks.
"What is it, Espy?" Shesha asked (Espy being short for Esperanza, of course) "Many miles still lie ahead til the next town."
"True. Our journey yet knows no bounds, nor purpose. But I had been thinking to myself as we journeyed about... 'tis the future, yes?
Then could it be... could a time machine exist here, in this timeframe?"
"Alas and alack," Shesha sighed, "no closer have we come to such an invention since the time when apes ruled these lands..." she sighed.
"I'm afraid naught can be done. We just have to accept that our friend is no more."
"Aye, but I was once thought dead; yet, here I am. Is it truly outside the realm of possiblity that our prehistoric friend could not
be granted with the same gift of life?"
"A point ye dost make. Could be possible. It is most certainly possible. This land knows no rhyme nor reason, so it could hold that
death is not so final as we are made to believe."
"Quite right, quite right. Then we know what we must do."
"Yes, a necromancin' we shall go!"
And so, spirits renewed, they continued down that hopeful road...
Arriving at the door of the inn of 'The Prancin' U-Smu', Esperanza did knock thrice upon the door. A peek was stolen at their visage
from the adjoining window, and they were invited inside - away from the cold.
"Hm, a centuar. Don't see many of them 'round these parts," said a gnomish traveler, dirt caked thoughly on every part of his body.
Shesha blushed, having momentarily forgotten her most recent mallady. Taking a seat at the bar, the alien centaur snake-woman proceeded to
drown her sorrows in a pool full of liquor, which she dove in. Espy sighed.
"What troubles ye?" Asked the bartender, a giantess with several eyes on every last inch of her ginormous personage.
"A death... a death occured. Our good friend, he has left his mortal coil, and gone on to... on to horsey heaven!" Here Esperanza
began bubbling, whining, and indeed crying all over the place. "Though, I suppose, he shall no longer have access to that most sacred place.
You see, their halves were swapped," Espy said, pointing to the nether regions of Shesha's frame.
"Ah, I see. Happens to everyone..." the giantess sighed, closing all of her eyes at once. She pulled up her skirt, showing that her
lower bodily areas had been replaced... with that of an octopus. "You are welcome here... 'tis a valley of misfits, this is." Here, tears
welled in her eyes, and she could control the floodgates no more.
Wading through a sea of salty tears, Esperanza pulled his alien ally to safety, as she would otherwise most certainly have drownded.
"Y'all can stay here tonight, free of charge. I feel empathy for ye, as I have succumbed to so and such a fate myself."
Espy thanked the bartender, and carried his drunkard friend to their room - which was, quite litterally, just a hole in the wall.
He closed his eyes then, only for a moment... just a moment.
Feeling his legs crushed beneath him, he found Shesha atop his body, his legs almost breaking from the weight of her equestrian half.
"Shesha, could you... urgh, get off, perhaps?"
"Why? Don't you want to - celebrate?" She laughed, lashing her tail in Espy's face, wounding him most terribly.
"Ow! What the hell?! That hurt, ya know!" He said, throwing her tail aside. "Celebrate? Celebrate what? Our friend is dead..."
"Yes, but you are here." Here she gave a husky laugh, which disturbed Espy greatly. "Your return from the dead is means to celebrate,
yes?" Esperanza was just about to protest, when she suddenly gave him a kiss on the lips - stealing his virginity which he held most sacred.
Tears in his eyes, he cried as she broke his ligaments (so he could not escape) and prepared to engage in acts of coitis -- til she at once
passed out from her drunkenness, her heavy head striking Espy in the noggin; causing him to hit his head against the back of the wall, and
he passed out on the spot.
Yawning, stretching like a cat, Shesha awoke. "Hm, hm... good morn- gasp!" She suddenly leapt from Esperanza's now ruin'd body,
which she did with much quarter. For Espy was now a broken, bloody mess (having been whipped several times by Shesha's mighty tail, capable
of slicing a fly into itty-bitty ribbons).
"M-mornin'," said Esperanza, "s-sleep well?"
"Gods! What happened to you? Were we attacked?" She asked.
"In a way, yes... but, errh, I seemed to have gotten the worst of it." He gave a shy smile, keeping to himself the frightful experience
which he had endured.
"You poor thing. Here, I shall carry you on my back," said she. She tossed Espy on her back like a sack of potatoes (his bones crunching)
and walked out of their room. "Better?"
"Y-yesh..." he said, barely able to contain his screams.
"Good," Shesha smiled and galloped down the stairs [hitting Espy's head against the rafters every step of the way, causing him to vomit
"Sleep well?" Asked the giantess, not looking up from the glass she was cleaning with a hairy, brown rag.
"Oh, yes. Well, me at least," Shesha said, with a hearty laugh.
"That's for sure," thought Esperanza. Here, he lost his grip, and fell from her back, striking the back of his head against a round
table. Able to deal with his concussion no longer, he entered a deep sleep.
Just then, several armed zombie cops burst through the ceiling, the windows, even the kitchen sink. "Cease! You two are under arrest!"
"Oh no, Espy! We've been caught!" Cried Shesha. "Espy? Espy?" She looked all about. "Where did he go?"
"Come with us," said one zombie copu, "you've got a lot of explaining to do." And so Shesha was drug off into the night, and our hero
sat in a pile of his own bile, barely alive. What will become of these two? Find out next time, on chapter four! [Coming maybe sometime in
Chapter Two - 2nd Ignition of Tales of Time Travel, Robots and AliensFeb 2, 2018
The alien and the robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse (or RDVH for short) were on a sacred journey. A journey to find themselves. But mainly it was a journey to revive their fallen ally, Esperanza Cordova, blasted to the double darkness from whence he came. They traveled long and far to the home of an insane cult leader by the name of Bifflebob.
The two travelers had heard tell of his necromanic prowless, and so they sought his aid. Coming to his door, they knocked thrice upon the oak wood. Recieving no response, the extraterrestrial proceeded to ring the doorbell profusely. 'Dong-ding' it ran.
"Who where?" Asked a strangely dressed elderly gentleman, who gasped at once upon seeing the alien's supple wrists. "Hot a what baabhibihabiat," he said at once. "Come in, come in at once from this dreadful cold. 'Tis a simply gorgeous day otherwise, isn't it though? Yes, yes, of course, of course!" He said, clapping his heels together, horribly twisting them into a pretzel shape.
"Um, are you alright, sir?" Asked the RDVH.
"Quite alright, old bean. Happens all the time. Happens all the time." The two travelers raised their eyebrows several times, making various silent signals signifying to eachother that this cultist leader was, surprisingly, quite insane. "What brings a chimera dinosaur and babelian from outerspace to my most humble abode?" He asked, pouring everyone a spot of tea.
"We heard that you were a most formidable reviver of the dead. A fellow wanderer of ours, this man here," she said, pointing to the corpse of Esperanza, "has sadly given up the ghost. We were hoping to use your services to bring him back from the land of the dead."
"Hm, I am afraid you are mistaken there, O most voluptous lass." The mad fellow replied, tearing the beard hair from his chin. "I am no necromancer. I am a NEKOmancer. Quite a big difference there. You see, I only revive cats back from the dead. Common mistake, it is. Why, I get a visitor about once a week looking for the wrong sort of mancer!" Here he suddenly shouted, "Purple elephants!" And proceeded to go about his buisness.
"Is it really such a big difference?" Questioned the robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse.
The insane cultist suddenly leapt at the dinosaur's throat, slightly letting his lifeblood flow with a silver blade imbedded a few inches into his strong neck meat. "There is a difference. A big difference," he began crying, and let the chimera go. The RVDH sought retribution, and would surely have eaten the man whole, but the alien prevented him from doing so.
"Then I am afraid you are of no help to us. Come, RDVH. We are done here." The two proceeded to exit the home. Once they had traveled a fair distance, the alien transformed into the gigantic white serpent Shesha, destroyer of worlds, and engulfed the nekomancers' home in flames, surely killing him. They then resumed their journey.
As they traveled near the mountain passes of Mt. Kuma, the RDVH began shivering uncontrollably.
"What is it?" Asked the alien, otherwise known as Shesha. "What plagues you, O friend?"
"Dost thou trully be unawares of this place? Surely all must ken of the horror at rest here! I heard that Zantung, dreaded mountain bandit resides here."
"Har, har, har. Truly, O my ally? You are a robot dinosaur with drill arms, flame nostrils, cure breath, and the abilty to transform into large city planning vehicles! And I can become a gigantic serpent, capable of destroying the world itself! We have nothing to worry about, so forget about it."
"Okay, but still..." replied the RDVH. He then followed his compatriot down the many hills and valleys, cautiously glancing about all the while.
Meanwhile, high above a cliff stood Zantung, garbed in a monkey body as well as a monkey head. He stood, eyeing the beautiful Shesha and her majestic companion. Behind him came his flunky, Rappaport.
"Rappaport reporting, sir! One babe sighted, a lizzady with big ol' breasts and a lot of junk in the trunk, as per your orders!"
"Hue, hue, hue. Well done Rappaport. But mine eyes have already glanced so and such individuals."
"T-truly sir! Most impressive, my liege!"
"Indeed. 'Tis simple physics my boy. All bandit leaders worth their salt know such things."
"Uh, I fail to see what physics has to do with anythi-"
"Silence, thou saucy fellow! Thou art truly a brick, a stone, a worse than seneseless thing indeed! Ready thine arrows, lads, and prepare to shoot that majestic beast to his death, so that I may go crazy on that baberino before my visage."
"Yes sir! And afterwards, should I deploy our troops to harass her and bring her to justice?"
"Nay, my robot monkeys shall be enough to deal with her."
"R-robot monkeys, sir?"
"Yes, robot monkeys. Now, attack!!"
As the two travelers wandered, the RDVH suddenly stopped in a cold sweat.
"What is it, buddy? You feeling alright?" Asked Shesha.
"I just had this sudden feeling... as if... we were to be attacked by robot monkeys. And if I'm lyin', you can just go right ahead and turn my soul into a skeleton."
"Now how the hell..." Suddenly, a barrage of several robot monkeys leapt atop the robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse, ripping his robotic appendeges to shreds.
"No! My metalic heart!" He shouted. The robot monkey grinned, and crushed the heart betwixt his fingers. The noble steed fell to the ground, as he had become death.
"RDVH! You bastards... I'll KILL YOU!!" She then transformed into her ultimate form, crushing, obliterating, and ultimately decimating the army of robotic primates. "Take this, and that, and one of these!" She screeched, rendering the survivors into nothing but rubble. Being able to take no more of her form, she reverted back to her regular alien self. She rushed to her fallen ally, but she was suddenly struck in the back by an arrow and knew no more...
Awakening, eyes blurry, Shesha found herself hogtied to a wooden post, forced to witness the RDVH being boiled, mashed, and stuck into a stew. She promised herself she would not cry at the loss of her dear friend, but it was no use. The tears did come, and the bandits did grin, as they feasted upon the flesh of Esperanza Cordova.
"So, you are awaken." Saith Zantung, giggling like a schoolgirl. "I hope you like dinosaur horse stew. I heard it is, to die for! Hue, hue, hue, hue!"
"You villanous monkey-garbed fiend!" Cried Shesha. "You shall pay for your crimes this day."
"Oh? And how do you plan to go about doing that?" He said, revealing what could only be described as a shit-eating grin.
"Oh, I don't know... maybe with a little something I like to call, henshin!" Suddenly, the binds from which she was bound were torn asunder, and the alien smote the crew of vandalous miscreants and rabblerousers, crushing them to naught but liquid jelly.
"Nay, nay, spare me, please! T'was not my fault! T'was Rappaports idea, it was!" Shouted Zantung.
"Dude," said Rappaport, stunned.
With no mercy left in her heart, Shesha at once consumed the flesh of the two bandits. As they digested, she patted her belly, and let out a content sigh. Returning to her regular state, she kicked the couldron that was baking the flesh of her steed, and returned Esperanza's missing parts with the help of her trusty gamma-ray atomic gun.
Traveling many, many miles, she came at last to the end of the mountain range. Falling to her knees from exhaustion (having carried the remains of the robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse and the corpse of Esperanza) she decided she could travel no further and made camp.
Waking in the morning, she found a strangely marked hexer with only a sock for clothes, scavenging through the RDVH's remains. She put a hand on his shoulder and whispered, snake-tongue a-floppin' in the wind: "And just WHAT are you doing?"
"Uh, uh, only trying to fix your little robot dinosaur horse, ma'am!" He said. Observing his features, Shesha found that he had the looks of a vampire ninja.
"Are you sure that is what you are here for? Because I know that vampire ninjas detest horses! Especially those of the robotic velociraptor variety!"
The vampiric hexer ninja leapt a good ten feet in the air, and fled; swimming through the dirt, until he arrived at last at a great body of water - and began at once to run across it to safety. "Ah-hah! Little did you know that we could swim on water and walk on land, snake-lady!"
Shesha clenched her fists and shook them angrily at the monstrous monster, blushing as she did so, having forgotten such an elementary fact of life. Returning to check on her friend and ally, she found the dinosaur blinking from the light of the sun.
"Oh, I say," said he, "this sun is simply dreadful! Most unpleasant!"
Shesha hugged her old friend, tears in her eyes. "I'm glad to see you're safe."
"Oh, uh... well, I would pat you on the back, but I no longer have arms." He said, with a wry smile. The two laughed a hearty laugh.
And the legend shall continue...
Tales of Time Travel, Robots, and AliensFeb 1, 2018
'Twas the fifth of december in the summer of 1943. Many younglings galavanted about the rosemary bush, engaging in many acts of reindeer
games and other such tiddlywinks as those types of milquetoast individuals would perform.
"Murble," cried a gaily-feather'd mooncalf by the name of Glockenspiel. "Looketh now lads, here cometh Esperanza. Come, let us point
our fingers at him and make merry giggles." And so they did.
"Villains!" Cried he of the name, "How dareth thou pointeth thy elongated phalanges at me and make gay times for one and all! Taketh
this, thou saucy fellow, and be gone with ye!" Crying, Esperanza lifted from the ground with his mighty torso a jagged rock which he tossed
with relative ease at Glockenspiel, causing him to fall stone dead upon the cold, hard great green grass of that most hilly brush.
"Jesus Christ!" Yelled one of the villains. He then tossed a worm at Esperanza. He yelled in pain as the worm cut him with a shiv
that was among its person. Esperanza then snapped the worm's neck, and tossed the shiv at the villain who had tossed the thing initially,
removing his head from his vandalous body.
"Bringeth thou on, thou knaves... if you've got the grapes!" The others, so frightened by Esperanza's murderous actions, at once fled
from that place, but they tripped upon their flimsy ankles, and at once gave up the ghost.
Esperanza, hands on his hips, tee-hee'd mercilessly at the corpses of his victims. Just then, a vampiric ninja swum his way across the
pavement towards our hero, drinking the blood of many innocent worms as he did so.
"I take it ye be he," saith the monster.
"I be." Replied he, as he squinted his eyes at him with a murderous rage.
"I see. I challenge ye to a duel, to avenge my fallen compatriots that you so ruthlessly smote! Hi-yah!" The vampire ninja then fired
a blast from his eyeball lazers at Esperanza, removing his arm. The armless hero cried out in pain, as he remembered the wonderful times he and
his once-attached body part had shared.
"Thou shalt pay for thy crimes today, ten hundred fold!" Saith the hero, grasping his arm and smacking the vampire ninja several times
across the face. The vampire shouted out in pain, as recently-removed limbs were his one weakness. "Zoomu, PUNCHU!!" Shouted Esperanza, as his
arm suddenly extended nearly twelve feet, and he thrust his other arm through the ninja's chest, removing the creature's heart, and crushing it
right before his eyes. The demonic assassin was no more.
"Phew. T'was a tough fight if I do say so myself, and I do..." thought Esperanza. He then consumed his lost arm, as is tradition amongst
warriors of his ilk, and returned at once to his humble abode.
That night, as he lay in bed, a catperson snuck through his window and at once begun to nibble on his liver.
"Och, my liver!!" Shouted Esperanza in a huff. The catpersons jumped back.
"Heh," she grinned, "thou art a strong warrior at heart to awaken. Most do not ken of my prescence til their liver be digesting in my
belly." She put her hand on her hip, "But tis not the end, good sir. For thy liver shall be mine!"
"I think not! I would sooner die than be rid of my innards."
"That, my friend, can be arranged..." the catperson then meowed three times and leapt at Esperanza, cleaving his eyeball from his
"Thou knave! Twas my good eye!" He then gripped the catperson by the tail, swinging her around many times (her meowing ceaslessly all
the while) until he at once begun smashing her into the ground again and again. He then ripped her tail from her body, ripped open her
gullet, and proceeded to strangle the creature with her own intestines.
"Hold, at once I say, hold!" Cried she. Esperanza relented, and begun to stare deep into her soul.
"Speak thy peace, villain, at once!"
"Um... could we call it a draw?" With a furious rage, Esperanza grapped the female catgirl and curbstomped her into his window, blasting
her for all time.
"Blast and botheration!" He shouted, "To have lost an arm and my eye in one day... such a pity. Such a pity." He then tore the catgirl
eye out of her face, and tried to reatach it to himself, to no avail. He sighed a deep sigh, and returned to his slumber.
The next day, Esperanza awoke, content. He stepped out of his bed, squishing his eyeball beneath his heel. "Darn," he said. "Looks like
I botched that one..." he then went to shower, nibbling a bit of catgirl jerky as he did so (though the soap from his hair did not increase the
taste). Leaping from the shower, he slipped and struck his noggin against the sink, and he knew no more...
Awakening, he found a gaggle of gadabouts consuming the flesh of the catgirl, and the eye jelly near his resting place.
"Ah, Esperanza, glad to see you're awake," one of the fools said, consuming eyeball jelly on rye. "Twas quite unexpected to find you
taken out by your own bathroom sink! Not how you expected leaping from the shower with a wet body would turn out, eh? I made the same mistake
myself I did, just t'other day, in fact."
"What is thy game, you band of fools, you?"
"Ehehe, ehehehe." Laughed a member, "Wouldn't you like to know?"
"I would, actually."
"Well, in that case... that catgirl there; Glorious Catpersons was her name - she was a friend of ours, see? And we do not take too
kindly to your actions against our fellow compatriot. I reckon ye shall pay for such misdeeds."
"Reckon, you say? You shall do so... reckon your reckoning, that is!" Esperanza then shouted a supersonic screech, erupting the ears of
all present, save himself. He released himself from his binds, and quickly decapitated all present. He then wiped his hands of the whole
situation, and begun to feast upon the flesh and blood of his fallen foes. He then took a long nap, sleeping for one thousand years...
It is the distant future, the distant future...
"This must be the distant future," thought Esperanza. "The year 3018...! Or something similar..." Just then, a mushroom head'd youth
sprung from his cover betwixt a rock and two sets of teeth, blasting his ray gun in the general area of our hero. "Yow!" He shouted, as the
blast removed two of his fingers. "What is the meaning of this?!"
"Enough!" Cried mushroom head. "What art thou doing in so and such a place? Speaketh now, or I shalt blast ye again!"
"I know not. I was sleeping for the past one thousand years, you see. And as I awoke, you suddenly blasted off my fingers! And for that,
thou shalt pay dearly! Most dearly indeed! Wryyyyyyy!!" Esperanza then leapt into the air, in a stance that had both perfect offensive and
defensive properties, and glode down like a pig on the wing, removing the mushroom head's mushroom.
"Darn." He said, dying.
"Niceu," Sir Esperanza said, yoinking the ray gun from the youth's cold, dead hands. "Hm, what other functions does this contraption
hold?" Sir Esperanza asked himself. "Body-part returning function? How quaint." He then held the button as his fingers reatached themselves.
But, alas, there was no return of his eye or his arm, as t'was many years in the past. "Well, at least I have my fingers!"
Just then, a vampire ninja erupted from the ground, slashing both of Esperanza's achilles tendons. He shouted in pain, as the
vampire sucked the blood from him with his ninjitsu.
"Tehehehe," laughed the monster. "Long has it been, my search for you. I shall avenge my fallen brother, who you slew lo one thousand
Our hero fell, unable to stand from his injuries, as the creature prepared to destroy him in a sea of ninpo. Just then, his head
imploded within itself, as a sweetdelicious babelian from outerspace appeared atop a velociraptor with drills for arms and the body of a horse.
"Art thou safe now, citizen?" Asked the babe alien (or babelian for short).
"Yes, I am fine now. I thank you." He then restored his tendons with his lazer ray, and stood, took a bow, and asked what he could do
to repay her.
"Your safety is enough for me. Are you new to this time period? You smell of the year 2000 or so to me..."
"Indeed," replied the armless hero, "I have just awoken in this strange place from an era long since gone..."
"A pity. A real pity. Hop atop my robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse (RDVH for short) and let us ride to a place a bit safer." He
As they rode along on the mighty RDVH, they passed the home of a happy robot family, engaged in a bit of the ol' pigskin tossin'. The
babelian suddenly leapt from her steed, dismanteling a young robot child for no apparent reason. Papa robot was in a huff, and rushed towards
the alien, drill arms a-drillin', ready to overthrow her... over a cliff; or something.
"Let us away!" She gave a shout, as she jumped atop her trusty organic vehicle, as they rode off into the sunset...
For many miles they rode, trailed, of course, by a most angry father. They stopped at a Wallgreens, and hid amongst the wreckage as
the father ran about, tossing many ointments and topicals around in his search for the murderous alien. As they cowered in fear, Esperanza
suddenly remembered that he could turn his arm into a drill, and dug deep into the earth to safety.
In the underground, the trio (Esperanza, the alien, and her mighty steed) found a society of disenfranchized aliens, living in fear
from the mutated zombie-demons that ruled the land above. Our eyeless hero eyed a most beautiful robot girl, with pink ribbons and a fax
spitting from her mouth, and at once engaged in consensual sex with the robot girl, much to the dismay of his compatriots.
"Was this absolutley necessary?"
"And was it necessary to have dismanteled that young robot child? No? Then do not judge me, ye extraterrestrial!"
"Fair play, bro. Fair play."
Just then, the robot father fell from the land above, seeing our hero in bed with the robot girl.
"Papa?" She exclaimed.
"Oh, you have got to be kidding me..." Esperanza said, rolling his eyes.
With a murderous rage, the robotic patriarch leapt atop Esperanza, melting his face off with his microwave mouth. Suddenly, RDVH leapt
to his aid, slamming the robotic dad into the wall with his drill arms, as he blew fire from his nostrils into him, burning the father to ashes.
"No!!" Cried the robotic daughter, holding his ashes in her arms. "Y-you monster. How could you?!"
"I do what I must, lass... for freedom." Replied the robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse.
Esperanza and the alien exchanged glances. "Did you know he could talk?" Esperanza asked.
"Didn't have a clue," she shrugged in response.
Restoring his ruined face to normal with the velociraptor's cure breath, the trio resumed their journey, as Esperanza turned his gaze
to the girl's fallen father, as he shed a single tear.
"Don't tell me you actually had feelings for that metalic girl," the alien asked.
"Of course not. Someone must be slicing onions." RDVH and the babelian shook their heads, and the legend continues...
As the three arrived in town, they stopped at a bar in a one-horse town... and took a seat next to a most dangerous looking crazy man.
"Three beers, please," saith the alien, raising her fingers to the sky to draw attention.
"I'll pass. I don't drink," said Esperanza.
"They aren't for you, ya fool!" She said, gulping the drinks down in one fell swoop. Esperanza looked to the dinosaur horse in shock,
but he just shrugged.
"You guys... wouldn't happen to wanna do an old man a favor?" Asked the crazy person, sitting adjacent to our hero.
"Do you want us to euthanize you, old man?" Asked the babelian. "It'll cost ya."
"Nothing quite like that. Th' name's Crazy Steve, and have I got some treasure for you. There is a cave nearby, you see. A cave of
wonder. Inside there is a grand treasure, the booty of a gaggle of alien coyotes. I saw 'em deposit their treasure there, I did. Saw it with
my own two eyeballs! If you strappin' young laddies wish to make a quick buck or three, t'would be worth your while.
The RVDH scratched his chin. "What do you guys think? Besides it sounding super shady, of course."
"I mean, his name IS Crazy Steve. I don't think a sane man would have a name like that," Esperanza said. "Regardless, there are some
crazy things out there. I say we're in!"
"Fine, me too. Maybe these coyotes have a flying saucer? Would be pretty helpful." Said the alien.
"Then it's settled!" Crazy Steve exclaimed. "Let us away, at once!"
Journeying many days, the trio, led by their insane guide, at last came to the cave, which was really just a hole in some sand by the
looks of things.
"There it is. Head inside, their diamonds await within," said Crazy Steve, as he laughed maniacally.
"Um, I'm starting to regret having come here," said RDVH. "Are you two sure this is a good idea?"
"Uh, no," said the alien. "But we came this far. Esperanza, go check it out."
"Wh~ but it's spooky! There could be spiders in there!" He replied.
"Fine, ya pansy. I'll go," said the alien. She got on her hands and knees, and crawled inside of the hole. She crawled, and crawled,
and crawled... and then she crawled some more afterwards. Many moments later she still found herself crawling, until she came at last to a
lit enclosure, with sparkling diamonds all around. "Egad!" She exclaimed. "All this treasure... it is now belong to me!" She went to collect
the bounty, but suddenly tripped over a marble, and her neck fell into piano wire, almost slitting her throat.
Just then, two zombie-demons leapt forth, wielding axes, as they prepared to chop into her neck. She let out a scream, and everything
Meanwhile, the robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse, the eyeless hero and the crazy man himself sat down to a little game of poker,
when they suddenly heard the screams of their lady-friend from outerspace.
"Whoza-whatsa-bo-booza!" Exclaimed RDVH in horror. "That sounds like our homie is in trouble! Henshin!!" Suddenly, the dinosaur
transformed into a gigantic drilling vehicle, thirty feet long and forty feet thick, and he drilled deep into the sand, impaling the villanous
"Thank you, robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse. You saved my life," the alien said, hugging him.
"All in a day's work, lass. All in a day's work..."
"Looky looky, y'all!" Exclaimed Esperanza, as he held the diamonds in his grubby hands. "We're rich!"
"No. Look closelier," saith the alien, pointing. Many bones of humans, dinosaurs and aliens lay strewn about.
"Well, well," said the crazy man, "looks like you discovered my secret." He said, chewing the arm of a coyote, "I'm afraid this is the
end of the road for you."
"You monster!" Said the extraterrestrial, "It seems you are a serial killer, of a very specific group of trios!"
"Yeah, and now it is time to say goodbye. Farewell!" He shot his hookgun into Esperanza, impaling him through his chest, pulling his
heart from his body. "Nwehehehe! I am soooooo evil!"
"Esperanza!" Shouted RDVH. "You fiend!" He prepared to breathe fire upon the murderer, but he was suddenly struck by lightning and bit
by a cobra, and his drill-arms fell from his body. "Neigh..." he cried.
"And all that is left, is you..." but before he could act, a spaceship of alien coyotes suddenly appeared, and evaporated him to death
with a deadly mega death ray from their ship. They gave a little salute, and were off.
"My steed, are you okay?" Asked the babelian, falling to her knees. "Oh, this is all my fault."
"Indeed, but I shall only blame you the normal amount," the now RVH said, smiling.
"You were a good friend. I shall not forget you..." she went to close his eyelids, but he smacked her hand away with his tail.
"I'm not dead yet, you fool!"
"Oh. Right." She turned to check on Esperanza, but she found him with mouth open, black blood coming from his mouth with a look of
utter terror, stone dead. "Esperanza? Hey, quit kidding around!" She tried to tickle his belly, but he moved not. His ghost had been given.
"Say it ain't so," cried the RVH. "Say it ain't so!!"
"It is so... he is no more..." The friends sat near their fallen ally for several seconds, in utter silence, til they became bored and
at once left that place. They resumed their journey, with only one quick glance behind them at their fallen buddy.
Esperanza Cordova, died February 1st, 3018... may he rest in the loving arms of God... farewell, space cowboy.
Chapter Seven: Village of the Fighting ButterscootsNov 7, 2017
"Woman, you got me messed up," said Daquan one morning to his mother as he tossed a stone that did shatter.
"Whatchu on and whatchu see, O kin who is so close to me?" Replied the child's mother. "What could I say and what would I feel to one who is so boldly against his own field?"
"Oh, please, for only cause of a donkey would I shriek and my soul be shattered. I walk and I take for that I do take and that I doth bake."
"Bake? Ye? Surely thou doth liest to me, for never in thy life or my life thence, hath thou offered to take my cooking place on a fence."
"A bake I shall make and a bakery I shall take, and thus you shall cry and shall shake 'he doth bake!' For surely I say and surely I feel that I would make you feel like a monkey spinning a wheel! Take heed, O mother for dear history's sake, as history doth shake; as it tells of the great Daquan sitting on a lake. Examine my elbows and take heed of my sheild, for now on this day I shalt make thee yield!"
And so Daquan did wake in the morn and sit on a lake, but like a hammer he did quake, and like a sinner he did keel, and so on that day, the great Daquan was killed.
"Pain in my bosom and pain from that lake with a snake on its heels and a rainbow in its fields!" Cried the mother as she was shook and was chill from the news that the postman delivered in a pail. For in that pail did sit Daquan's head, taken from his body and skewered on steel.
"Would that I could but take his place," saith the postman with a star on his face, with a bar on his shields.
"My life is over, no more happiness shall I yield as I bake. Thrust this dagger into me and toss me into the lake." The mother replied, with a tear in her eye, her spine misaligned.
"Nay, fair mother, nay I plead you! Taketh not thy life, for it is not but yours to take! Who is to say your life is over, when you could but bear more children still?" And so she did cry and so did she shake from the news that her child had died on that lake. So her heart stewed, and it flew, until the day when she took herself a new father.
"O fair maiden, for thee I doth wish my life were never take." Saith Bigilieboo, a man who had once lived upon a lake. "How like a keyboard and a mouse would I show the world to you? Love of my life, and lover of my fields, surely I now would sayest to you that I had but breakest the plate and your heart did shiver and shake."
"Slipperly snakes to me you doth shake. Shivering skimmers and quivering embers! Deep within my face tonight, find a love so sleek and stay but a night. So life goes, and so it shows that never in life will you know what it shall show."
"Come and quiver and come in a shimber as we bake with a pig and roast in a pillar."
And so it goes, and so it shows that never in life will a man know how it all truly goes...
My mother was a kind woman, who had lost her previous child to a most ridiculous happenstance. But so it was, and so my birth had come to be. And never the happier would I be.
-- Boldorf, the eight-gendered badger with magical ice abilities
<to be continued>
Chapter Six: Mileek and the Mysterious LeekNov 7, 2017
A young thief named Mileek sat on his sink and stared at a leek. "Tasty it shows, but doth taking a taste would I grow?" He thought, and tickled the ears on his cheek.
"Pleasure on your tongue I shall place, just please remove the ears from your face." Said the leek with a wart now in its place, for it had moved from the claim it did take and sat tickling the ears on his companions face.
"How now wouldest a leek speaketh to Mileek?" Asked he, tongue in his cheek. "Surely, truly I must leave posthaste!" And his goggles from his head he did place on his nose, and taketh his spear he did show his amazing skills at foosball, and the leek gave quite a shriek.
"Wouldst thou be a raccoon with skills such as these?!"
And at this time Mileek's old buddy, Boldorf who most certainly is no fuddy-duddy, did step through the door and tickle his tail, and snikkle and snore. "'Sup," he said, baking a cake.
"Greetings my friend! Greetings I say, for on this day I surely would say - 'tis a fine morning to you and a good morning to me."
"Shickle and shackle, you did give quite a cackle as I saw thee banging a shackle with my young pal, the fackle."
"Bang? I? Nay, thou dost lie, for on this day I will not shy that I spoke with a leek who gave quite a shriek. Here he stands, and here stood Paul, but now he is gone, did he go to the mall?"
"Leek? No leek doth I seen that ever did shriek."
"Surely he shrieked and surely I cry that a friend, aye, would think I would lie like a fly among rye, singing with his spies and bringing the lye to sprinkle on his thighs in a time without ply or coats on a line!"
"Perhaps on your plate was merely your fate, as you shake while you wake as I try to bake with a rake in my face."
"Like a happy meal eating a snark with a rotten tooth and a worm in his heart, I feel now towards thou, thy so called friend. A friend doth thou say, as thou spitteth in my face, bah I say! Bah to your cake and bah to your rake!"
"Surely something has changed inside you my friend, that thou wouldst speak to me in such a manner, if you wish it I would go and bake in some other place where I am wanted and not treated like some snake."
"Fly then, fly far off! Fly til your paws doth bleed and fall off! Like a razor you doth scorn, like an acorn amongst thorns!"
And so the friends were no more, and Mileek he did cry, but the leek like a leak never did fly, for amongst them he stood and the plot was understood, that he in his ways with his bucket in his face, did end the greatest friendship that had ever stood.
<to be continued>
Chapter Five: Looking For Love (Part 2)Nov 7, 2017
Sitting at my home in Antarctica with my thousands of asexually reproduced children-selves, they jumped upon my knee and shouted with glee.
"Motherfather! Motherfather! O, do tell us a story, couldn't you, O Motherfather?" One asked.
"Oh, do let's." Responded offspring #368, who for some reason spoke like British children from the days of World War II.
"Oh, I suppose one little story couldn't hurt... too terribly, that is." I replied with a smirk.
"Alas, I am pregnant and no longer stagnant!" A young lady, Kaydee was her name, exclaimed in jubilee to her husband the great King Flea.
"Oh, what a time we shall have! What parties, what games! But I do wish I could taste a little of his brain." The great King Flea hopped as he sang.
"No, no blood shalt thy take, for he is my baby and from you he would break." Kaydee replied with fire in her face as she smacked the king in her child's place.
And one month hence from that day, the baby was born as a young flea prince. "Look at him, O King Flea! Look at his face!" The mother replied with a smile on her face. "Look at his face, he grins as you did when you won that race in my place!"
"'Tis true, a beauty is he, so surely I shall now suck some blood from his knee." Replied the great king Flea.
"No blood shall you suck, for I as I am his, he is to me. But what name shall he take? Who before him shall he emulate? Perhaps my uncle Steve or my great aunt Pete!"
"His name shall be Pete, for how like a potato doth he appear to me. How like a turnip he would grow from the dust, and make all others bend their knee as they smell his must!"
"A great flea shall he be."
And so that great flea Pete was taken to his abode on Rainy street. And so he did grow, and so he did cry, as a baby often does when it dies. But a strong baby was he, strong in his elbows and his tummy tum tree. But the great King Flea did lust and did taste, for the great blood that he would suck from his child's face. But his wife never did let him suck the blood from his face, so the flee waited and he ate paste as he paced.
"His blood is too tasty for me not to eat, and so I think I shall make myself a treat. What would one bite do, would he shatter? For my tummy doth rumble and with blood would my mouth not be gladder? And so I will fly and avoid this pitter-patter."
The great King Flea gave himself a treat as he flew to his scrumptious baby, sucking from him a delicious treat. And a bite he did take, and the baby's blood did splatter upon his cheek, like a geyser that shot from a peak. The baby was never aware that his father had been on such fleek. But the baby, having felt the blood taken from his body, did weep and did cry, and the great King Flea quickly did hide. He wandered around, for many hours hence, collapsing in the street, drunk from his sweet.
But when he did return to his throne he did gasp with terrible freight. His wife had left, which shattered his heart into two, for what the Flea had done he did not know, and was the cause of his fall down below. For alas and alack, the baby was a hemophiliac. And taking the blood from his body the child did fall... and so the great King Flea did take his life with a pillow and a sack, and never was the tale heard, of the Flea Pete Jack.
"So? What did you think?" I asked my children-selves, noticing one crying upon a shelf.
"That was a terrible story... so we must now lament and be sad." Replied clone #365, eating a snack. And so they hurried themselves off to bed, crying all the while, their tears falling upon their pillows.
Seeing such weakness of heart and mind, I thus took their lives with a thought in mind. If they are me, and I art them, how can we all be so different in the head? One may never know, no one may ever say, why the wheat is so different from the whey.
<to be continued...>
Chapter Four: A Badger Never SmilesNov 7, 2017
"You always seem to smile when the moon is nigh," saith a nearby voluptuous female as she consumed an entire bag of potatoes, thinking how like the moon a shoe longs for the summer.
"And your face spins like a cord on a trunk doth spinneth, round and round about in its merry way," I replied, twisting my fur about, like a monkey spins a dish. "Come to me, O maiden with a lace in her face, dance with me and say unto me as you did upon that cliff with a disk, and breathe on my nose as we once did as children."
"For you, my love, I could plunge toast down my throat and not cough for love of thee. Like a bubble that riseth in the clouds, a pillow in the sky with a rainbow on its back, looking down on Saint Frostjack, with his nose and his eyes and his prickly spines... for he looketh upon the world like a pillow to drown would look to its maiden and ask for a crown."
"So I think and so I feel, if I were any younger I would be older still... for how like a mountain and a tree our love doth shake! For our love is younger than the mountains, yet older than the lakes. In the sky a tree dreams, but a merry game of tiddlywinks. Reindeer games we once did play, now as adults we still doth play... How like a hanger I would hang for you, and as a sock would travel many miles just to be with you. For thy smile is like a veil that doth veileth the world from all the anger, and strife, and this melancholic life."
"How like a turtle, thou appearest to me, gazing at the moon far yonder... ready, at any moment, to travel the distance like a foosball of dissonance. Yet there thou stand, looking down upon the world like a baby in a tree, for thou sayeth I hath but one disgrace... this lace on my face."
"Yea, for surely I agree with thee that thy face is completely abhorrent to me."
"But what do I, a squiggly spot do look upon you like my heart danced with a pot? A backpack sways and a backpack goes, but never in my life shall I be apart from you. In the depths of tomorrow and the seas of today, I shall never stare into the face of doctor John Bay. For no backstabber art I to turn against the love of my eye; eating my rye, I shall send my spies to cry and tell me of the things of which thou doth lie."
"Lie? I? Aye, surely you thinkest me some sort of harlot of sorts who doth dance like a tree that has been made into a pole and put in vision of thee. For who art I to be owned by thee? Is my own life not mine, canst I not simply chooseth to die? Or dost thou seeth me as some prickly spine?!"
"How like a kernel doth lead his men into battle and get stuck in your gums and make quite a rattle. Saddle my gaddle and ride into a nettle of kettles and prickly skettles, for thou never truly lovest me, and so I brought my scriddles and knittles, to taketh this knittle and plungeth it into thy talkative gibble!"
Seeing this coming a mile away, I quickly grabbed her bladed weapon of spiky doom, and plunged it deep within the wench's skull. And so she withered, and so she died. And on her grave, I now doth lie... sleeping peacefully, til the end of all time.
<to be continued...?>
Chapter Three: Babelians from Outer SpaceNov 6, 2017
Howdy y'all. I, Boldorf, the greatest thing that ever was or ever will be has been away for far too long. I heard the people's cries for help, but alas... I did not care.
Upon my usual visit to the home of a murbling mouser cat known as Mouser the XIV, I was suddenly abducted by several babelicious alien hotties (Babelians for short) and spent many a day in blissful reproduction.
"Lo," they saith unto me, "Boldorf, thy belly is the greatest belly we, hot babe aliens from outer space, have ever been graced with tickling. Sayeth that thou willst loveth us forever."
Nay. And nay a second time, I replied in a fit of rage. I am a free badger, no knavish lass shalt ever imprisoneth I. So I smote the Babelians with a single icicle blast from my eye sockets.
Shedding a single tear, I consumed their flesh and bones, their blood saturating my unquenchable thirst as I returned home.
"Murble" the Mouser moused upon my arrival. I then turned the fiend into an igloo, and the Mouser was no more. For I am become death, the destroyer of worlds...
<to be continued>
Chapter Two: Of Being Better than Everyone EverJan 10, 2017
Ascending to the status of being worshipped as a god isn't easy, even when your abilities are beyond what is described as god-tier.
To accomplish my dream of being known by everyone on the planet, living or dead, I knew I had to get my name out there, and so I climbed Mt. Everest, training my mind and body for what was to come.
It was at this time that I was trapped in an avalanche, forced to consume my many-gendered children just to survive!
Crafting a spade from their bones I thus made my escape, and I was praised by the whole world over for my greatness.
But this was not enough. I would not rest until... I had become more well-known than anyone or anything ever.
I had a lot of work to do...
<<<to be continued>>>
Chapter One: I am bornJan 7, 2017
It was a hot winter's day in a flagpole (I believe it was July) when my motherfather split into two and so I was borne.
Since the time of my birthing, I excelled at anything and everything. I was barely a year old when I discovered cold fusion, and promptly destroyed all evidence of it.
At five, I discovered the meaning of life, and the true secret of creation. But you don't want to hear about THAT.
People always said "oh, you're so great and perfect and wonderful".
Pffh, tell me something I don't know.
It was on the eve of the 39 and a half thousandth day since my birth when I discovered my greatness should be witnessed by the world.
And so, the begunning of my adventures had beganned...
<<< To be continued >>>TheGrayShow1467 likes this.
Too turnt! Help!Jan 6, 2017
The other day I got really turnt up with some of my homies, and now I can't get turnt down!
Any suggestions would be helpful as I gotta take my badger children to school, and nobody wants to be lit while children are around, ya dig?
Any help would be appreciated, unless it isn't good, in which case it ain't worth my time.
How an ice badger got its groove backJan 6, 2017
I wasn't always #1 at everything. There was a time when I only got an A on my Calculus final. That made me a little depressed for a while.
I mean, if I don't make everyone else look bad by comparison, then what is even the point?
That all changed when I learned how to breakdance and saved the community center from being demolished.
I later turned it into a worship center where people would come to sing praises to me and bring offerings of their life savings, which I gladly accepted.
Now I got my groove back, and my Calculus professor is an igloo.
Ah... so nice to see justice served.