Welcome to my life...
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Sorry that I didn't explain this earlier.
Anyway, last school year was a bad one for me. All of the things that my grandparents did made me very upset and started to mess with my head. I started to drift away from focusing in school and started to do other things. On the last day of school, I found an old HTC One M8 that my grandpa used to use. I snuck it to school so that I could be on GBATemp. (We had already turned in our Chromebooks)
When I got home, I snuck it to my room and kept it for a few months.
But, I made the mistake of using my grandma's Wi-Fi hotspot to talk to my friends VIA Gmail. She noticed that an Android device was connected to her hotspot and then she instantly blamed me. I don't like to lie... so I admitted that I took the HTC and she yelled at me. She yelled for my grandpa and he came up to my room. She took my guitar and handed it to him and said, "If you give it back to him, I will break it!"
So, he took it downstairs to his room and since that day... I haven't gotten it back.
I lost ALL trust from my grandparents.
I also don't get the car that is in the garage anymore. (That is the 1983 Buick Skylark)
So... yeah... I messed up.... but I was also mad at them for breaking my stuff. A $200 phone is nothing compared to 2 3ds systems, all the games, and a computer.
sarkwalvein likes this.
I have alway wanted an electric guitar. It would be AWESOME. So, I looked into which guitar I wanted to get. I settled on the Epiphone Les Paul SL. It is cheap and halfway decent. It's only about $120. I also wanted to get a VERY small amp... so I wanted to get the VOX Amplug2 AC30.
I was going to shovel snow for people when it snows to get money... but my grandparents say that I can't save for a guitar... I have to save for a car.
I just don't understand what these feelings are inside.
They won't stop hurting.
It just doesn't end.
No matter how hard I try... they just won't go away.
It stays with me and keeps getting worse and worse every passing second.
I feel the urge to cry... but no tears fall.
I want to laugh... but what is there to laugh about in life?
I'm empty inside... just a void of nothingness...
But wait, what's that?
A spark of hope slowly fading away...
I try to catch it... but it's too late.
The spark of hope burned out... leaving nothing once again.
As I slowly fade out of existence, I remind myself that I was nothing anyway.
I was just an empty void...
Once full of hope...
huntertron1 likes this.
I have been thinking about how some people have such great lives… but what I consider a great life…. is MUCH different from what you might consider a great life.
A lot of people think that a great life is having money to spend whenever they want… having a fancy house and a fancy car. Eating at fancy resturants… but… that’s not what I think…
Nope, I think about it MUCH differently…. here’s what I think a great life is.
I think a great life is one that… you don’t cry yourself asleep every night knowing that you will never have a dad that you can play ball with…
A great life knowing that your mom will be there when you need a shoulder to cry on.
A great life is knowing that when you gratuate from school, your parents will be there together and they will be proud of what their son has done with his life.
I don’t have a great life...
I don’t have a dad to play catch with… or to get advice from… or to go fishing with... Or anything like that.
I don’t have a mom that will be there to comfort me when I am scared. Or, when I need a shoulder to cry on… or to learn from…
I don’t have parents that love each other and are together.
They won’t be there when I graduate.
They won’t be there to send me off to college.
It’s funny… I have this… “dream”... I guess you would call it.
I have this dream that one day I will wake up in a big house. I’ll have a nice big room. I’ll go to the kitchen and my mom will be there with a smile on her face making breakfast… my dad will be in the livingroom watching sports. My brother and sister will be playing with our dogs… everything would be happy. Everyone would be happy. There won’t be any fighting between my parents. They would be happily married. My brother, my sister, and I would get along just fine. My mom and dad would have decent jobs. We would have a car or a truck… or both. We wouldn’t be yelled at for every little thing we do wrong. It would be perfect…
BUT, dreams are just dreams aren’t they? All of those things I just typed are just words… they will never become a reality, now will they? So… everytime I think about having a perfect life… I cry. I cry so hard, I can’t breath… I cry because I know that would never happen. I know that my parents would never get back together. I know that I will never have that special bond with my parents that most people have with theirs.
So… I guess what I am trying to say is… not everyone has a good life. Some people have a bad life because of their personal choices… some people have a bad life because of someone else’s choices. Just remember, everything you do has consequences. They can be good or bad. And they effect everyone around you.
If you think you have a good life, I want you to do me a favor:
Think about all the things you have that other people don’t have.
Think about all the opportunities that you have that others don’t have.
I want you to thank everyone that has helped you to be where you are today.
Whether that is your parents, a teacher, a friend, whoever. Thank them for what they have done for you. And let them be examples for you and your children. (If you have any in the future)
And please… don’t leave your children… it puts too much emotional and mental stress on them. I know that for a fact.
Yeah, my grandparents think that they know everything. They think that we should be like they were in the late 60's early to mid 70's. My grandma was cooking and changing baby diapers at the age of 8, because her mom was a major alcoholic. So she learned to be "a responsible adult" early on in life. I, on the other hand, am not changing diapers and cooking.
I am 15 so I should be hanging out with friends. Walking around town with friends. Being involved in stuff I want to be involved in at school. But no, I can't hang out with friends because my friends are "bad influences". I can't be involved in the things I want to do at school, because they "won't teach you anything that will help you in life". I can see where they are coming from... but seriously. I literally have no say so in my life. It's just do this, do that, you didn't get this done so no supper for you.
(But here's the thing... my friends rarely ever get in trouble at school. They are straight A students. They are friendly with everyone. They are literally the best people to have as friends. But no... they are "bad influences")
And here's something that happened. My little brother (age 12) stepped up and said that when we lived at our aunt's house, we got a small allowance for doing chores. My grandma got all mad and said "well you guys have a roof over your heads, clothes on your backs, and food to eat. why should we pay you?" So, that night, my grandma went and emptied our bank accounts and instead of giving us supper, she put a quarter in each of our spots at the table and told us to go to bed. I have a brother and a sister, so that is 3 bank accounts emptied, each with around $50, and all we got were quarters. I guess it makes sense, because she put the $50 in each... but still. WTF.
They think I am depressed and suicidal because of the people I hang out with and the music I listen to... but in all actuality, they can't seem to comprehend the fact that it might be themselves that are making me be this way. I can't take the mental and emotional stress and abuse that they put me through everyday. And then, my grandma comes home from work one day and tells me to get in the truck. I am thinking that maybe I have some doctors appointment I didn't know about... no... she takes me to a counselor. I had no fucking clue that she was taking me here. She said that she didn't tell me, because she didn't want me to "make up answers on the way".
My grandparents say, "Oh, you think you have it hard, back when we were kids we got beat by our parents." That is literally the only thing they don't do. Well... every once in a while my sister gets in trouble and my grandma takes a belt or a wooden spatula and spanks her bare behind. From what I heard, that is illegal... but according to them, it isn't because God allows it. Well you know what... that's another thing. God this, God that... I mean, I try to be a Christian, but sometimes it's hard. Last night, my grandma came upstairs and started to yell at my sister, "God says to the CHILDREN to obey their parents!" "He tells the PARENTS to give their children what they need to be successful. We do that, but you don't obey!" Ummm.... that's bullshit.
I do things that they tell me to do ALL THE TIME. Yet, they don't give me what I need to be successful. I needed a cheap digital camera for biology... but no. I am going to fail this project because they wouldn't let me get a camera. I have the money. I have $40. That should be enough to get a fucking camera. Or even a little cheap smart phone that has a camera... but no... my grandma said "If you need pictures for this scavenger hunt for biology, give me the list and I will take the pictures" Umm... no that's not how this works AT ALL. This is a learning experience for me... so I need to take the pictures... I guess that's a wonderful way to start the school year. Failing my first assignment that I had a whole week to work on.... Oh well...
(I admit there is a reason as to why they don't let me have a camera. Let's just say that I had some "bad stuff" in my pictures on my SD card... but that is every teenage boy.. come on people. Nothing illegal though. I didn't take them.)
Oh and another thing they do that mentally and emotionally kills me. Well… it’s mainly my grandma that does this. She says such… degrading comments to us and they hurt A LOT. Last night she must have been pissed or something. This weekend, we are going camping. So, today we are supposed to start backing as soon as we get home. But last night, she was explaining to my brother about what we needed for the trip. My brother asked a question and my grandma flips out and says "I don't think your smart enough for advanced math." This may not sound like a really mean or degrading thing to say, but my brother was very excited to be in advanced math... and to say something like that to him in the tone that she said it.... I wanted to go downstairs yell at her. It pissed me off. She does this to me all the time. Telling us that we aren't smart. And that you can't do that because you don't have the brain capacity. It hurts to hear someone tell you that. Especially when you know for a damn fact that it isn't true.
They literally make me want to commit suicide everyday, but I have too much to live for in the future. If this little essay thing isn't enough to understand what I go through everyday... then I don't know what will.
So basically to sum it up. My grandparents are literally the most controlling manipulative people I know. Even my other family members say that about them. They will stop at nothing to get their way. Even if that means destroying the only freedom that their grand-kids have. And they don't care what anyone else thinks about them, because they think that they are doing the right thing. They think that raising kids from the 21st century means no electronics (or what they call "distractions"), no friends that aren't Christian, no being a teenager, and ABSOLUTELY NO POKEMON. (Because, "Pokemon is satanic and teaches you bad things")
Also, you say that they want me to become a responsible adult... well that is what my grandma wanted her 4 kids to be... but I am starting to find a pattern here:
Kid one: my aunt - controlling manipulative bitch, bitchiest bitch of all bitches.
Kid two: my "dad" - drug addict, no license, often in jail, etc. - (I say "dad" because no one is 100% sure who my dad is... my dad might be my uncle)
Kid three: my "uncle" - was drug addict, shot himself in the head in 2006 (age 21) - (might be my dad... only blood tests will tell)
Kid four (adopted): my other aunt - does whatever she wants, has nothing to do with her "mom" (my grandma).
And then there’s her siblings that she raised - All hate her and have nothing to do with her.
None of her kids were successful and she raised them the same way she is raising us... maybe it's time for her to find a different way to raise us kids?
But yeah... I could go on another 1,300 paragraphs of why I don't like them. But I am tired of typing now. I know they love me and want the best from me... but this isn't how they are going to get the best out of me. Let me be me and I will be doing A LOT better in school. I will be less stressed and less suicidal... It would be nice.... one day without thinking, "Today is the day I die." That would be really nice.... but they just won't listen to me. They don't get the point that they are taking the wrong approach at raising kids this way. I am NOT going to raise my kids this way, that's for damn sure.
IDK... Your thoughts?
It is almost the end of the school year... it ends on Friday. That means that I have to return the school issued Chromebook. As some of you know, I don't have internet at home... and now, I don't have any electronic device capable of using the internet. So.... that means no more GBATemp for the next few months. I will miss you all.
Well... my girlfriend just broke up with me... we have been dating for 6 months... I knew it was coming... but it hit harder than I thought it would.
This is what she emailed me:
I understand that you like being in a relationship with me and you love me dearly. But I want you to know that I’m just not feeling the relationship vibe. I truly am not, you could probably tell. I prefer to be independent than be in a relationship with someone. This is actually hard for me to do because I don’t want you to be sad, but I only feel like I’m just a bother to you and other people. Which I know, I’m not I just still do. I don’t enjoy making people sad, I like making people happy, yet my attitude says otherwise. But all in all of this crappy paragraph I want to break up, don’t be sad, because one day you’ll find that girl that you’ll want to marry. But, since I’m not in a relationship with you doesn’t mean I won’t care. (I’m not mentally prepared for this to be sent to you at all .-.)
Sincerely, *Her name*
Last night, I felt the urge to start writing. I have no idea why, but I did. Here is SOME of what I wrote:
You know, my life hasn’t always been the best one. I have been here and there and everywhere. I used to love moving, but now… I really don’t. Now, I have a nice, old house to live in… but it just isn’t right. Living away from your parents hurts. It hurts a LOT. I miss my parents. I miss my family. And, you know… I just wish that everything could be perfect. I wish that I could live a “normal” life… but that will never happen. Everyday, I wish a lot of things. I wish that one day when I wake up, I will be in a nice, big house with my mom and dad, my brother and sister… maybe even a pet of some sort. I wish that mom and dad would get married and be happy… Huh… I wish… wishing doesn’t do any good now does it? No, it doesn’t… but I can still dream.
Well then... last night was the worst night in my life. All because my grandpa lied to my grandma. About a year ago, my grandpa was in a really bad mood... and when we got home from school, he started to yell at us. I tried to stay calm, but couldn't. So I went upstairs to my room and started to play my 3ds. That is what I like to do when I get mad. He came upstairs yelling and saw my brother and I playing on our 3ds'. He took them and told us that we would get them back that night. But, he went and called our grandma saying that we came home and didn't do our personal responsibilities. He said that we went straight to our rooms and started to play our video games. So, that night, we got yelled at and never got our 3ds' back. After a few months, I decided to take the systems back. They didn't say anything about it, but I thought they didn't notice. Here we are a year later... last night, my grandpa barged into my brother's room while he was playing his 3ds. My grandpa saw the 3ds and took it. He said, "We have been looking for these!" He then barged into my room and yelled at me to give up my 3ds.
So, he went downstairs and gave the 3ds' to my grandma. She called us down and yelled at us some more. Then, she proceeded to destroy the systems. She threw the O3DS on the ground. And she broken my N3DSXL the same way. THEN, my grandpa demanded that I go get my computer. My grandma ripped the screen off of it. She broke all of the DS games, my Action Replay DSi, my 3DS games.... yeah... .I don't take that very lightly. Over 1,000 dollars in damage... to my things. All of those belonged to ME.
A group of about 7 students just walked out of my school. They are doing a "Save The Whales" walkout. I think it is to make fun of all of the walkouts that have been happening. They are supposedly getting detentions...
Recently, a friend of mine showed me a game called Doki Doki Literature Club...
That is all I have to say
Other than the fact that...
At first, I thought it was only on Mac and Windows... so I emailed one of the devs about it being on Linux. They responded saying that the Windows pack has a Linux executable in it!! YES!!! I CAN FINALLY PLAY DOKI DOKI!!!!
So, my girlfriend's brother is having suicidal thoughts and now she is really sad. I don't know what to do about it. I really can't do anything. I gave her a hug, and I think that helped her. Any ideas about what I can do to help?
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