Random facts about me, part 2! The trend starter follows the trend!Feb 15, 2020
So I started another trend, go me! That being said, I was already planning to make this blog because my other one went quite well and I felt like more can be said! So Here’s my second line up of random fact about me!
I tend to have a bit of an obsession with animated men like Alucard from Hellsing (Ultimate,) Elias Ainsworth from The Ancient Magus’ Bride, Roy Mustang and Scar from FMA (Brotherhood,) and Aaravos from The Dragon Prince. There’s just something so hot about these guys, maybe it’s the power they command or maybe they are so incredibly hot. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Who knows, but I love them!
My favorite Pokémon main series games are Pokémon Black/White/2
I didn’t originally start out enjoying the Monster Hunter games, but now they are some of my favorite games when I have hours to sink into them.
Link from Breath of the Wild is bae and goals.
Mei from Overwatch is the best girl
I am a bit of a history nerd and I love collecting historical objects, like money. Some of my personal prized coins would have to be my American Civil War era coins like my 3 Cent piece, my Nazi Germany coins, and my USSR era coins and banknote.
I actually prefer Digimon over Pokémon, but Monster Rancher over Digimon.
I tend to do a lot of mobile gaming due to my busy life, I am enjoying Monster Hunter Stories on my iPhone/iPad. Yeah, I know it’s a 3DS game and I own it on my 3DS but I rarely have my 3DS on me due to lack of space or just simply not wanting to risk having my 3DS break or stolen at my work.
My favorite handheld is the PSP because of how easy and fun it is to hack, not to mention soooo many JRPGs.
My favorite NDS flashcart is the Acekard 2i, followed by the R4i Gold (plus.)
I am quite sensitive in real life and cry over damn near everything.
I love slice of life anime.
I am typing this out on an iPad using a Brydge keyboard.
The symbol on my left hand that is sometimes present in my pictures is the Sigil of Lucifer I am a Luciferian Satanist.
Some of my other favorite anime in no order would be Hellsing Ultimate, Made in Abyss, The Ancient Magus’ Bride, Death Note, and Mob Psycho 100
My favorite video game series is the Ace Attorney games
I fucking love dragons.
I prefer cats over dogs.
I own a Glaceon plushie named “Potato,” she was the first gift my girlfriend gave me and she is our traveling buddy
This is Potato, she traveled through states like Texas, Indiana, Massachusetts, and Kentucky.
I am currently replaying Breath of the Wild and Digimon Story: Cyber Sleuth on my Switch.
Solus is my favorite Linux distro
Those are some random facts about!
The Lilith picture of the day is a stupid Lilith comic I made for the EOF
Random facts about me!Feb 9, 2020
I have a fuck ton of facts laying around and I felt like they should be in my blog, so time for some random facts including old facts but worth bringing up again!
My girlfriend's name is Casey
Despite my youthful look, I was born August 9th, 1991, meaning I am 28 as of writing this post.
I've been on hormones since April 18th, 2019
I have difficulty hearing and processing sound around me.
I tend to be extremely shy and have a hard time holding a conversation. Sometimes I vanish from conversations for long periods of time. I am a lot less shy the more I talk to someone.
I am not a fan of making eye contact
I a bit on the spectrum in way too many ways.
I am a bit of a well-known perv and I tend to flirt when I am comfortable with someone.
I am not a Windows user, I will use anything from Linux, BSD, to macOS (which is just BSD at its core.)
I mostly live on a vegetarian diet because I am allergic to meat.
I would consider my sexuality to be best described as "pansexual," but I mostly date women (cis and trans,) femmes, and other non-binary folks. There are some men that I would date.
I am a non-binary demigirl, personally I prefer "they/them" pronouns but I am also fine with she/her from friends and loved ones.
I am a college student studying psychology and social psychology.
I have an online persona named "Lilith Valentine." They are a shape-shifting non-binary succubus that started out as a semi-anthro wolf named "Lone Heart" when I was 12. Since then they were a "catboy" named "The Catboy" and Miko Bootstraps who was just a masc non-binary character later femme, then to Crystal the Glaceon, from there to Femcario the Lucario, then to Lilith Valentine the wolf-husky most people know, finally Lilith Valentine the succubus.
My favorite Pokémon is Charmeleon, my second favorite is Umbreon, and my third is Lucario
I am a huge Spider-man fan and I have been for pretty much entire life.
I mostly game on PS4 and Switch, sometimes PC if I can.
My favorite video game console of all time is the original Xbox
My favorite video game of all time is Yoshi's Island on the SNES and with Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Sky at a close second.
My favorite anime of all time is Squid Girl or the full/Japanese name, Shinryaku! Ika Musume
I am a modder and I love to hack my electronics. I also tend to do hardware repairs.
I wear cat ears everywhere and a fox tail any other than work. I do this in reference to my confusing gender, catgirls being connected to trans girls and foxes being ambiguous for non-binary. I also wear these because I am a furry and just enjoy wearing them.
I tend to dress in a rather goth/emo/punk style.
I am red-green colorblind
I am rather short at 5’4.
That is a fuck ton of random facts about me!
Bonus fact, "Succubus facts" is not actually based on the real lore around succubus. It's presented in-character as Lilith talking about facts about herself, which is based on lore for a webcomic my girlfriend and I are working on.
The Lilith picture of the day is the Christmas avatar Casey made me! So cute~ <3
2020Jan 1, 2020
2010, I was an 18-year-old high schooler waiting for the school year to end and eagerly waiting to move in with my boyfriend. My goals were simple back then and never once I could I have ever imagined what the next 10 years were about to bring. Now I sit here, a 28-year-old, only a few hours before the year ends and eagerly waiting for my girlfriend to get off work to see a new decade begin. So much has changed in the past 10 years and I know that a new year doesn't bring much beyond a simple date change but for me, it sparks the end of my past life. The past decade nearly broke me, creating scars that might never heal but equally a strong will and desire to move forward. I've survived through the worst and even stood toe to toe with Death. I've seen the Void and lost myself to the darkness, but I never gave up on myself. The fact that I am still here to see 2020 is a testament to my determination and a testament to all those who helped me get through the worst of it all. This year will start with a new job, no more Walmart. This year will start in a new apartment with my girlfriend, no more feeling hopeless and helpless in my old apartment nor my old town. This year is a new year and the best way to start a new decade. I am not completely better and to be honest, I think that's going to take more time and that's fine. I can say that I am happier, I am far more confidant for a better future.
I fixed a DS Lite with another DS LiteNov 17, 2019
So early last month I accidentally bricked DS lite while testing some custom DS firmware (FWNitro to Flashme.) I accomplished bricking my DS Lite to a state where none of the recovery methods would work to boot into the SLOT1 nor the SlOT2. So I used my girlfriend’s DS that I found at her parents’ place to fix mine by hot-swapping the Wifi/firmware chips. Roughly two hours later and now we have two fully working DS lites and I think that’s pretty swish.
The past decadeNov 10, 2019
I've not been sure as to how I was going to go about making this blog because honestly, a lot has happened this past decade. Making a summary of events seems like a rather long and tedious task, especially when I have already written so many blog posts, to begin with. At the same time, I do feel the need to write something after such a landmark has been made. Thinking it over, I decided that the best I can do is start writing with no goal in mind and see where I end up.
When I first joined the Temp, I never intended to go anywhere with this account. I created a quick throwaway account because the site was locked down from guests and I had to make an account to see the progress being made on the patches for the Japanese release of Pokemon SoulSilver/HeartGold and Bowser’s Inside Story. I just joined to bitch about not being able to see the site and how I wanted these patches to be released already, simply put, I was one of those members back then. I don’t remember what kept me posting, I think it was just to ask for help in the M3 scene concerning a few issues I was having and not being able to find the solution to these issues. Regardless of my reasons for staying on the Temp, I stayed nonetheless and started posting more regularly. I never once thought I would still be here 10 years later, nor did I think so much would have happened, so much would have changed, and just how different my life truly turned out.
This past decade has left me scarred, damaged, depressed, and still recovering from everything that has happened, everything the Temp was informed about or only saw the effects of. I struggled for years with issues like abuse, substance abuse, gender/sexuality issues, and just so much that happened, things I never saw coming when I started at the age of 18. I started when I was just about to finish high school and ready to see just what life had going for me. At no point did I expect this site to help me find out so much more about myself and taught me so much about the hacking community. I started posting M3 news because I was eager to share the latest M3 updates with the community and since I was going to be active, I needed something to do with my time as I waited for new ROMs to be dumped and new APs to be cracked. During those times I ended up connecting to a lot of the members, members like Densetsu, who helped me out when I was struggling with my identity. During this time that my life started making small changes in the real world. High school ended and I moved in with my boyfriend and a friend of mine, I was starting to look for a job, it was pretty bog-standard stuff for someone who considered themselves a gay male. On the Temp I was just your standard helpful user doing my best to help people out, I wasn’t that invested on the site as I had a lot more going on in my life to worry about. When I moved out of state and halfway across the country is when my life truly started to change. My boyfriend’s family lived in a very isolated location and I lacked a car, job, cellphone, internet, etc.. I ended up being completely dependent on my ex-boyfriend for everything because he had money and phone and his mom had a car. This period resulted in a very long period where I wasn’t online much and I wasn’t able to reach out to anyone, I don’t remember a lot that happened during this time and there is much on record to refresh my memory. I do, however, remember Costello reaching out to me to hire me to work on Filetrip and he would pay for my internet, something that seriously helped me out big time.
This is kind of where my memory gets hazier because a lot happened and I struggle to connect a lot of the timeline. I remember working hard on Filetrip and working hard to get us into a better living situation. It gets rather fuzzy because I was finally starting to struggle with my gender and sexuality, something my ex wasn’t too keen on and often felt the need to mock. This kind of abuse left me torn as to what to do and often just resulted in multiple suicide attempts because I felt like there was no escape. If I didn’t have my partner’s support, whose support would I have? Most people mocked anyone like me, coupled with being so far from home that I had no idea how I would get back home if everything fell apart and I had no lifelines. I felt trapped in my own body, I felt trapped in a relationship, I felt trapped in life and my online posting habits started to reflect that. I struggled with communicating with people because I felt like everything I said was going to be judged and I was going to need to defend myself with every post, why? Because that’s how I had to communicate with my ex, constantly defending myself. I felt like any doubt in my gender, sexuality, or other personal matters would be weaponized against me, why? Because that just wants my ex was doing to me. My life during these years was just my ex treating me like a brainless idiot, pushing people who cared about me away, and me attempting (and twice “succeeding”) to end my life. Multiple times had I suffered very public meltdowns as I struggled with an abusive relationship that was slowly tearing me from the inside. I wanted so hard to not hate myself, yet my ex and his boyfriend were destroying my life. Being forced into a poly relationship was bad enough, but having a partner who also made me doubt everything through manipulation made everything so much worse. Truth be told, I am still struggling with getting through the manipulative abuse I was put through. Suffering through a never-ending cycle of trying to understand me and having someone do everything possible to ensure that was the most difficult task for me. I honestly don’t have a lot of solid memories from these years due to substance abuse, depression, and other issues causing them to be a serious blur for me. I have a lot of blog posts, but many that I deleted since they were often written with rose-tinted glasses. I do know I came out of this with some pretty horrible mental and physical scars, my short-term memory is a bit potato at times, and I still struggle with coping with the abuse.
It’s only been in recent months did I start getting better but it was at the cost of losing damn near everything I still cared about. Despite trying to better my life and being in a better situation as of nearly 2 years ago, I was suffering from drug and alcohol addiction. This personal abuse either leaving me so high and distraught that my life both online and offline started to fall apart. A lot of this was sadly reflected in my posts on the Temp, as often my posts were reflecting my failing mental stability. I made a blog recently talking about these past two years, so I will link here, as to not repeat everything. I also made a blog talking about my gender and sexuality, which are both honestly still a mess and I am kind of ok with that because now it’s my mess. It’s only been in recent months have I cut back on my drinking to the point where last weekend was the first time I got drunk in months and I wasn’t even remotely close to as bad as I have been in the past. I haven’t touched any painkillers since moving out of my old apartment back in February of 2019. I’ve been in college (taking a break however to deal with personal issues,) and I’ve been a high honor student studying psychology and social psychology. I’ve also been on hormones since April and my mental state has been slowly becoming more stable over time. I am now living with my girlfriend in a new state and we are starting to build our new life together from here.
The past ten years have shown me a lot and although I think the Temp didn’t deserve to see a lot of what happened to me, I am happy that I stayed. It took years to get to where I am now and overcoming these struggles is something to be proud of. I met so many amazing friends on here, I’ve helped countless projects, I’ve helped so many members of the community, I’ve been everything from a hero to the villain. I didn’t join 10 years to be where I am now, but damn am I happy to able to make this blog now.
I am still lacking much in the form of art for Lilith's demon form, so here's a reaction image Casey (my girlfriend) made as a reaction to a post in my previous blog post.
Coming out day!!Oct 12, 2019
I felt like being late on purpose to make sure I didn't accidentally start another annoying trend
That being said, this has been quite the year for me. I started this year out in a rather dark place and damn near quitting everything, so I am actually quite happy that I am alive today and things got better. I started my hormones in April and the results have made a world of difference for me, especially since they are correcting the horrible hormone inbalance that we are still not sure what caused it, so I am eager to look more into that. I also finally legally changed my name to Crystal in life and also had my gender marker corrected to Female on all legal documents, including my ID, social, and birth certificate. My girlfriend and I also moved into our first apartment together and have been living quite happily together for about a month now.
As for coming out, it's rather obvious from the years that my gender and sexuality have always been a bit of a mess for me due to my history and relationships. So I either kept myself in the closet or used vague terms to describe myself because I was never really happy with anything I could say about myself. To be honest, I've started to realize that it's not really important to focus on those things and just do what happiest. I happy when I am with women (trans, cis, etc.,) I am happy with female and gender-neutral pronounces, I am FAR happier on my hormone and watching my body develop, I am happier just expressing myself as just me. Some people say this is trans, some say it's non-binary, I just say I am happy either way.
The girl behind LilithSep 22, 2019
I’ve been thinking about this blog post long before I felt the need to return but wasn’t really sure if I should make it due to just how personal and rather disturbing it was bound to be. I didn’t quit over some silly scuffle, I was annoyed by that moment but I didn’t see it as a reason to quit altogether. In fact, I was eager and excited about being active because I wanted to share my experiences I started my hormones. It was, however, that emotional moment that kind of made me realize that I wasn’t ok. I was upset over everything, I was in pain, and I needed help that I wasn’t getting and was putting off due knowing that getting that help meant coming clean about a lot of secrets that I hid from so many people. This is going to be a long one, so I’ve done what I can to make it easier to read. I am going to talk a lot about self-harm, substance abuse, sexual deviancy, toxic mindsets, toxic relationships, and just the hole I dug myself into. There is happiness in here and I am doing better, I am recovering, I am moving forward. But getting to this point damn near killed me and nearly broke me as a person.
The girl behind the mask
Let’s start off at what I was hiding after my ex left me and moved out of my apartment. I really wasn’t handling the loneliness very well, it wasn’t the lack of her but the lack of any social contact. Despite my ex’s best efforts, I really struggled to reconnect to a lot of my friends that were pushed away by my abusers. I lacked social skills because making friends was a pointless endeavor with my abusers, I felt like I lacked friends, I hated my life. Every day would just consist of me waking up, making a small meal (normally cheap ramen or something from a can,) followed by a few energy drinks, and finally enough painkillers to keep me completely numb before doing my schoolwork and heading to work. Returning from work was followed by a cheap meal, more painkillers, schoolwork, then drinking until I passed out on my couch. I hated my life, I hated myself, I wanted to feel nothing and just die. My life felt like a complete joke to me, with my suffering being the punchline. I spent 10 years of my life living in an abusive relationship, where I forced to be poly with my abuser’s boyfriend, I was regularly sexually assaulted by my abuser whenever I got blackout drunk, abused to the point where I gave up my life. After years of abuse, suicide attempts, and losing everything, I got a year of happiness. It felt like a sick fucking joke and I hated myself for not only screwing up Rhi with my toxicity but fucking up everyone and everything around me. I didn’t know how to be well, I didn’t know how not to hurt people, I didn’t know how to live a comfortable life. The only life I knew was abuse and to push people away with any means possible. I wanted to just die, not kill myself because I gave up on trying that after being successful twice and being brought back. I just wanted to fucking die alone, stop the suffering, stop hurting others, stop hurting myself, just die. I hid my pain behind drugs and alcohol, I hid by putting on the same bright happy character that I played when I was being abused, I cut everyone out that got close, and hurt those who refused to leave. After years of abuse, I knew only abuse and nothing more. I couldn’t even manage to cry back then. I never thought I would have lived like this and nor did I ever realize the mess I had turned myself into because of a few bad moves. I kept living in the same apartment where I had been abused for years. One can’t heal when living in the same place that hurts them so much. I refused to let help be effective. I was going to therapy but I was never fully honest with her and kept most of the darkness tucked away. I never talked about the fact that I was having sex with people who should have just been my friends as a means of getting drugs, alcohol, and just some kind of human connection. I didn’t tell anyone the horrible things I was doing to myself just to feel either nothing or something. I kept pretending I was recovering when I was slowly just getting worse. I just wanted so badly to be the person I was pretending to be, that I did everything to hide who I was from everyone.
The girl who tried to save me
After months of living this way, I decided in a last-ditch attempt to save myself, I needed to move out and in with my friend. I also decided it was time to reconnect with someone who tried to save me so many years ago, a girl named Casey. Casey was actually someone I met through Pokémon Go and friend of my friend Alex. She was a rather mysterious player that most battled with alongside other players or was only ever seen in our gyms (Team Instinct,) but no one really ever saw her. One night we happened to see her battling with us and she just happened to drive in front of us and we were able to follow her to the next gym. Which allowed us to meet and start talking as she followed us around to take over the rest of the town.
Later that night she added me on Facebook and messaged me with, "Not to get too personal, but are you trans? Because I am trans and would like someone to talk to." We started talking from there, I helped her some of her questions and stuff, which we really bonded on both being trans girls.
Fast forward a few months of talking and spending time together, she started noticing something was off about me and my life. She eventually was able to get me to confide in her that I was being abused and wanted out of my forced poly relationship. So she started helping me with the process of leaving those two.
A few weeks go by of her helping and the 2016 elections roll around. I messaged her that day and asked her to come over because I was lonely and scared. I wasn't so much scared of the election but scared because my abusers were literally harassing me about something and isolating me the entire time. So she came over to comfort me, which resulted in her putting her hand on my leg and patting my back when she noticed I was upset. This upset my abusers, who threatened her after I had gone to bed. A few weeks later, they took my phone while I was sleep and found my messages to her. I was forced to block her and cut her out of my life. Shortly after that, Rhi came into my life. Still feeling hurt by what happened to Casey, I set forth to never have that happen again. This allowed Rhi to break them away from me and the rest was my year-long relationship with Rhi.
The girl who started to remove her mask
It goes without repeating that my ex broke up with me which lead to a few months of me living alone. One night at work something told me to message Casey. I stopped what I was doing, unblocked her, and sent her a message asking her if she wanted to talk to me again. She eventually agreed to talk, we met in the bar next to my apartment complex and spent a few hours there. She later went to my apartment, saw that I was literally completely alone and with next to no food, and decided to help because she felt bad for me.
Months of struggling went by after that because I was alone, unable to afford my apartment, working full-time, full-time college student, and all of the already mentioned struggles. She was there helping me out and keeping me company, mostly just cooking some food for me, and or giving me someone to hold as I struggled to cope with loneliness.
When the time finally came, I moved out of my apartment and in with my friend and eventually started my hormones. A few weeks went by as small changes happened, until one night. One night I was on Facebook cleaning up all of the literal hundreds of chaser friend requests that I was getting until I found the request I got from my friend who died of breast cancer. I ended up suffering a complete mental and emotional breakdown, that was worsened from years of repression and the new hormones in my body. Coupled with the simple fact that I opted to stop with the drugs, drastically reduce my drinking, and started suffering through some pretty bad withdraws. I ended up texting Casey and told her that I was feeling extremely lonely and needed her help. She quickly came from Kentucky to my place and picked me up. She found me stumbling around the streets because I honestly just needed to leave and ended up at a church in my town that is a Gym in Pokémon Go. She picked me up and listened to me as I just melted down in her car as we were heading back to help her drunk friend, who later called me, "The Cooler Casey." From there, she took us to wandered around Cincinnati and let me compose myself, organize my thoughts, and relax a little before heading back to my place where we spent the morning cuddling on my couch and watching youtube together. That was the first time I felt anything in years and the first time I realized just how much I wanted more of her in my life. She forgave me, even though I couldn’t even forgive myself, she still forgave me for cutting her out of my life all those years ago.
After weeks of us playing with the idea of dating, she ended up taking a trip down to see her friends in Texas. Two things ended up happening while she was down there. The first, being that she didn’t have much fun and ended up really unhappy with her experiences with her friends. The second being that I ended up seriously missing her and spent most of my time talking to her more because I wasn’t quite sure what my newly found feelings were. Going from emotionally dead to completely alive overnight is a rather jarring feeling to happen to me. I ended up just spending most of my time flirting with her and spamming her with memes, eventually resulting in me asking her to go on a date via a meme, this meme to be correct
To my surprise, she actually took me up on that offer and we had our date set for when she got back from Texas. It was a lovely date where we got expensive sushi and ramen, then ventured about for the day together. We got really close and really kindled a deep love for each other that we both knew was there but were just waiting for one of us to act on those feelings. Moral of the story, I was being a useless lesbian. Now I am a happy lesbian ^-^
The girl who finally saw her home again
I am not sure how many people might remember this, but I was born and raised in the state of Massachusetts. I actually moved half-way across the country to live with my now ex-boyfriend/abuser. I hadn’t seen my family for over 9 years due to my abusers just being shit people and controlling my money. This is why the first thing I did was start planning to visit my family the second I was freed. A lot of setbacks kept preventing the trip from happening, but eventually, I was able to save up enough money to buy some tickets to travel to see my family for my own birthday. Casey helped pay for a lot of the expenses, despite not being able to go due to me having bought the tickets long before we got together and she was still struggling a bit to pay off her previous trip. She was still more than willing to help me see through with my plans and see my family again. After months of planning, saving, and going from bus to bus for nearly 24 hours, there was I, finally back home again. After 9 years, there I stood in my home town again. It felt strange remembering that I was only 19 when I left and so eager to see the world. I spent nearly two weeks up in Massachusetts and learned a lot about myself while I was there. There were some depressing realities that I had to face while I was there, but that doesn’t change the fact that I finally saw my family and friends again. I finally committed to something and saw it through. After years of living through so much, I finally realized that my suffering wasn’t the punchline. I finally realized that I could move forward and that I could accomplish so much more in life. After I left Massachusetts and returned home, Casey and I started planning on getting a place together. We both knew it was time for us to move forward together and that’s what we are doing now. We have our apartment together and we’ve started our new life in our little starter apartment. I am actually happy to be alive and eager to see what the future brings, no matter the results. I may not be completely better, but I am recovering and for once, I mean that.
The new demon girl
So I should really add an update for my character, which is to say that Lilith has been changed or reverted to her demon form. My characters were actually always one character, an unnamed shapeshifting succubus that was later named “Lilith Valentine” after her last form. I created this concept long before I even had art for her and when she was still “Crystal the Glaceon.” I came up with this idea of a regenerating character because I am a huge Doctor Who fan, but I didn’t want to make something stupid like “She’s a Time Lord!” or something like that. So instead I based her off Bible references of Satan and other demons shapeshifting, being the lazy Satanist that I am. Her design was made by Bub during a time when a Succubus character was really popular on a few sites and that design later became the official “base form” for Lilith. Now the reason I made her revert back to demon form was jokingly because she escaped from Area 51, but it’s actually because I felt the need for Lilith to reflect a different form of change. Despite still being a character, this is her true form. I felt that she needed to be more of a self-reflection of me, to be her true self and happier as a result. Even if I make her take on a different form, this is the form I need the most for me right now. This is a remake of Bub’s art done by a friend of mine on Facebook.
Bub's original design
Drawn by Casey
It’s good to be back, bitches.
No longer Lilith!Apr 1, 2019
It's time for a change! It's time I finally start my new adventure!
It's time I finally change my character!
It's time I embrace my love for Pokémon and Scottish stuff!
It's time I change to the best Pokégirl!
I am no longer Lilith! I am now Definitely not Lilith!
(All art belongs to CaptainHanyuu)
So it's been over a year nowMar 1, 2019
February 17th of 2018, the day my life changed forever. The day that with the help of my ex-girlfriend and my friends helped me leave my then 10-year abusive poly-relationship with my boyfriends. It's been one hell of a year for me, to say the least. A year where I struggled with PTSD, I struggled with depression, I struggled with suicidal levels of self-hate, I struggled to function because 10 years of abuse simply doesn't go away overnight. At the same time, during this past year, I have become so much stronger and my life is so much better as a result of those struggles. During this past year, I started college and I've been a straight-A student despite struggling with so many heavy issues. I never gave up and committed 100% to my classes. Even after I felt like I lost everything when Rhi broke up with me, I still committed to my ensure I continued my studies because I knew I need to succeed. I've reconnected with countless friends that my exes forced out of my life, friends who used to help me through the darkest times and have continued to help me after all these years. I've been going to therapy to deal with my depression and PTSD, something that has greatly improved my mental health and given me some mental clarity. I am going to be starting my hormone replacement therapy next month, something I've eagerly waited for the past 6 months to start and a proud moment as it was actually the first appointment that I set up on my own. I am also moving in with my friend at the end of next week, so I am going to be out of this horrible apartment. Sure, this was a hard year, but it's a year I am actually extremely proud of and I am proud of myself for making it through this year. When I left my exes and they stole nearly everything from me, I didn't know what my future was going to look like, but I managed through it. When I lost Rhi, I wanted to quit everything because I thought my future was over. But instead, I stood back up and continued to move forward. I am so much stronger than I ever realized, I am proud of that fact. I actually have a future and a future that I can rightfully say that I am damn happy to be part of.
I kind of used my emotional Lilith picture a few weeks ago, so here's some plot (drawn by Kei, the artist who actually created Lilith's ref sheet)
Introducing Sarah Redfield!Feb 25, 2019
Last year I came up with the idea of a scalie sona, because I am a furry and need multiple characters or I won't be allowed to sit at the cool kids' table! After months of planning and a few weeks working with an artist on Facebook, Sarah Redfield was finally created!
"But why though?" Because I can!
"Is she going to replace Lilith?" No
"Just no?" Yes. Lilith in my main character that I use on forums, Sarah will be used for things like Discord and stuff.
"There's a typo in her name!" Yeah, we didn't notice that until post and I thought it was funny after I noticed it.
"Did you really need to make this into a blog" Yes, it's my blog!
Feel Free to Ask Me (Lilith Valentine) ThingsFeb 18, 2019
Just ask me anything! Do it! Don't let your questions remain unanswered! DO IT!
Whatever happened to those monthly blogs?Feb 15, 2019
I wanted to wait until next month to make this blog, but I decided to push it a bit early because next month is going to be extremely busy with school, moving, work, and so on. I have free time now, so it's time I made this blog to explain what happened shortly after my last blog post in November. I didn't really want to make a blog post at first because it hurt more to talk about at the time, then decided not to make one until I was ready to move out of my apartment due to issues related to my past and a possible breach in my privacy. But I think I am ready now and it's time everything is said.
Shortly after that blog post (literally the next day actually) Rhi broke up with me. She didn't break up to hurt me, she did so because we were starting to become toxic for each other and she was afraid that if we continued that we would end up hurting each other in the long run. She was afraid that I was leaning on her for everything and that I couldn't succeed on my own if I continued to lean so heavily, coupled with simply my extremely horrible mindset. I wasn't healthy and she did damn near everything in his power to help me, so much so that is started to hurt, but I simply couldn't stop falling back into the panic. My exes poisoned the well and I kept drinking from it because I didn't know anything different. I didn't know how to be healthy, I didn't know how to maintain healthy relationships, I didn't know how to maintain a healthy lifestyle, so was basically parenting me towards the end and it broke her down...I broke her down. She loved me enough to realize that staying with me was just doing me more harm than good because I simply couldn't be healthy on my own, so she ended it before any more damages were done. We tried to make things work as friends and she tried to live here, but she ended up moving out last month. We are still trying to be friends, but it's stressful on both of us because we only want what's best for each other.
It's been some rather stressful months being mostly alone and eventually alone. I've been seeing a therapist for my PTSD caused by my exes and now to cope with the lose of Rhi. She's been an amazing help in my life and she's been able to really help get me back on my feet in a healthier manner. I've had to spend the past couple of months finally addressing some of what my exes did to me instead of struggling to cope. I've spent the other part of time studying psychology both for my classes and for personal reasons, which has helped me greatly understand what my exes were doing and the kinds of treatments I need to deal with the abuse I went through. I've basically had to spend most of my time, alone, very little time to give to my friends, and very little time to even myself. I've had to learn how to work through my painful thoughts, memories, and stress through healthier ways because I simply couldn't continue to rely on others to carry my burdens for me. I've basically been thrown into a situation where I needed to grow from what happened because I can't keep being hurt by them nor anything that happened in my past. I also can't fall on those I love because doing so only pushed them away from me. I've had to break my own chains this past couple of months and slowly stop finding comfort in the panic. Simply put, there is good nor is bad in this situation, there just is.
I don't want to end this on a bad note, so I will talk about my classes. I am currently a straight A student and my professor loves my papers and my contributions to the class discussions. She finds my writing style to be unique, insightful, engaging, and often just obtuse in a good way. I often look at things from a completely different angle and try to write from that angle, so my papers tend to focus on keeping on topic, but from a different perspective. Personally, I am pretty proud of myself and what I've accomplished in my classes thus far. I was able to work through some the darkest times in the past couple of months and was able to still work hard enough to continue to keep up my high grades, keep going to work and keep up with my therapy appointments. I didn't give up like I thought I was going to do back in November and that's something to be proud of.
The Lilith picture of the blog is a recent and very personal one. I came up with the idea when I was going through some of the worst parts of a couple of months and it ended up being created when I finally felt that I could appreciate the message I was trying to send through it. This one is titled, "Embrace yourself," and represents not only my struggles to cope with my past but accepting my past as well. The chains being a literal representation of the chains I felt holding me back as they are finally and slowly breaking away.
Issac likes this.
Making a blog to show off art, fite me IRLDec 17, 2018
I didn't really feel like making a blog this month because reasons, but I did, however, want to show off this new YCH (your character here) comic I had commissioned.
Artist: Rexy ART
I am in college now, that's a thing!Nov 10, 2018
Last month I finally started online courses with Southern New Hampshire University. My first courses being the introduction to Liberal Arts followed by taking courses in studying Social Psychology and the end goal of becoming a religious anthropologist. This has actually been something that I've studied and wanted to teach for the vast majority of my life, something that is deeply personal to me. Religion has always had a major role in sociality, affecting everything from politics, social interactions, and even diets, so it's one of the largest factors that need to be studied to understand society. It's also one of the factors that greatly affect my personal life and how the world has viewed me as a person and thus something I want to understand. Still, these courses have been taking up a lot of my personal time and it's cut into my time I've spent doing anything else online. Which is why I basically just vanished for several days towards the end of October and really haven't been around much this past couple of weeks. I really don't have the time that I used to do dedicate myself to this community. So that's what I've been up to since last month.
There have been a few other things that came up in the past month that also greatly affected my views on this community. To be frank, I don't like what's happened to this community and I honestly find myself becoming less interested as the days go on. I love helping people and I love teaching them about something I personally view as an interesting hobby, but I honestly don't want to keep helping people like I used to. I don't really like the community anymore, it's just far too negative towards each other. I know I had my fair share of shitty comments, but it's just unpleasant most of the time. There's honestly just this feeling that community isn't welcoming anymore and just comes off as rather angry all the time. No one seems to be doing anything for fun anymore and everything seems to be taken extremely seriously to the point where it feels more like a job. I didn't get into this to work, I got into this because I found something I enjoyed and wanted to interact with others who enjoyed the same thing. That doesn't seem to be the case in this scene and it's kind of sad. It's rather obvious that the scene has moved in a different direction and it's very much different from when I started. This seems to be a scene a lot of people are enjoying and seems to be bringing a lot more attention towards the scene, but it's a direction that I just personally don't like. There's just more drama, tired debating, and other issues that seem super popular now that doesn't sit well with me. It's taking a lot of fun out of the community by having every interaction feel like it needs to be something bigger. That's fine if the rest of the community likes it and I am not asking for the community to change me, but it is something I still wanted to say. Maybe it's just me finally outgrowing this community and it's me finally realizing that I need to focus on my life and just now noticing these things that bother me.
The last bit is honestly, my life has actually been getting a lot better. As mentioned before, I am in college now and I am starting hormone replacement therapy in about 5 months. I am working towards my goals and finally building strong goals to achieve my dreams, something I definitely could not say was true last year. I really just don't have the same drive that I had for this community as a did before. I mentioned before that I would be vanishing, but ended up finding more time to keep active. I can safely say that's not the same case anymore, that time is now filled with studies and classes. I am also cutting back on my time online to spend more time enjoying my life. I am not saying I am quitting, just I don't really care to be active nor care to put effort into being active. I care about the projects I follow and I care enough to show up from time to time, but I don't really want to keep making a habit being active.
And the Lilith pic of the blog! Awooo! This one was made by a friend as a request. I've already received permission from the Staff to use this picture.
Progress day! Revenge of the monthly blog!Oct 11, 2018
So I noticed that I started a bit of trend with my blogs, which is one being the monthly blog that I promised around the 10th/11th of the month and another personal blog based on current events, trend, the like, and this month will be no different! Expect this one is supposed to be a follow up on a blog idea I came up with last year, but I deleted that blog due it being mostly about some people I don't want to talk about anymore. Still I liked the idea and I am going restart it again this year! Last year I came up with "Progress day" where every year on National Coming Out day I would make a blog talking about my progress as I transitioned (I am transgender and a lesbian.) Unfortunately some people really hindered me and I deleted it due to thinking nothing was going to happen, until very recently (Monday to be correct.) Also this blog will clump in my normal monthly blog, because reasons (they are both going to be short.)
Monday I finally called one of the best Transgender health centers in my area and I setup an appointment to start hormone replacement therapy on March 19th! This is going to start a big change in my life, but a change that I need to be happy. It honestly took a lot more to get over my anxiety and call them, but I was really happy to hear an extremely friendly voice on the other side, who not only setup my appointments, but also set me up with different places/times for support groups and also talked me about the legal services they provide to help me change my ID and such. So it's pretty much this level of support and effort that they put in that cause the 6 month wait time, but I am fine with that. I don't mind waiting 6 months if it means getting the best support in my area. Plus it will give us (my girlfriend and I) enough time to start saving to pay off anything that insurance doesn't cover (which they will help make sure that is either they cover everything or bring the price down low enough for us to afford.) So I am actually pretty excited and honestly can thank Rhi for helping build me up to this point where I was finally able to take my first step down this road. Hopefully next year's Progress day has more details in it because there's really not much I can add to this one at this moment.
For my monthly blog, there really wasn't that much that happened back in September. I was dealing some pretty horrible depression due to personal issues that revolved around that time, so it was rather uneventful. Although Rhi and I did take up hiking to get closer to each other. That actually has been something that I feel has brought us a lot closer and helped us get a deeper understanding of each other as walked and talked in the woods for the past couple of weekends. It's actually extremely amazing being able to spend time with someone who I can truly trust, actually cares about me, and wants to spend time to understand me. As well I started my alter at the end of September and I've since completed it as of Tuesday. This be my alter
So yeah, these were both just too short to make a blog for each and they both happened to fall on the same day. Now time for the Lilith pic! This one is my current avatar (as of writing this blog) and it was made by @AaronUzumaki and was a suggestion I tossed out because I always toss Lilith at people when they ask for ideas. I love to see what people come with if they decide to actually draw her. It's worth noting that the Switch that she's playing is the same one that I own IRL.