11 years on the TempSep 13, 2020
It's been 11 years now since I joined the Temp. I joined like every other Pokénoob during a massive Pokéflood that caused GBAtemp to close off from guests. I joined so I could bitch about SoulSilver (Japanese release, might I add,) not working on my M3 Real and to possibly find a means of fixing that. I couldn't even read the game, but damn did I want to play it before any of my friends had the chance to play it. So I joined the Temp to accomplish that extremely silly goal of mine. This was just a throwaway account that I had no intention of using outside of a few posts here or there, never once could I have expected to become such a massive part of this community. I am truly happy that this account didn't turn out that way though. Despite everything, I am still active and my life is so much better compared to when I first made this account.
I married my best friend
When I normally make these blogs I talk about what's happened in that year. Last year I covered the rather tragic nature of my life at that time. I had gone through a lot leading up to that point and I was still dealing with recovering from that pain. So it brings me joy to say that this past year has been far better for me. I had gotten married to the love of my life and best friend, @FatalAryia . She was a massive inspiration in my life and if not for her, I don't things would have turned out the way they have. She helped me realize that I do deserve to be happy and that life has meaning to it. Her kindness and love had inspired me to care about myself and about my own life. I love gushing over her so much! She means so much to me and I am so happy that I get to wake up every morning and see her! She's been the greatest thing to happen to me this year and I married her! I actually married her! Fuck, I am so excited to be able to just say that she's my wife! So yeah, I love this Human, she's the best Human.
General life changes
The final months of 2019 were extremely rough for me after starting a new life with @FatalAryia. Those months I was struggling with the Walmart store that I had transferred to because the store was horrible. Most of those months can be summed up with, they sucked and I am glad that my Christmas gift to myself was quitting that job on Christmas night. From there I was able to start a new job at Amazon throwing boxes either on or off a truck. I actually really enjoyed that job way more than I expected myself to. There was something just relaxing about the job that did wonders for my mental health. It wasn't very good on my body and I was constantly in pain due to the job, but my mental health was better. Not sure if that's a good trade-off but I didn't do the job for very long before switching to my current job. Currently, I am working in a sales job selling cellphones in Walmart for a 3rd party vendor. It's a pretty decent job and I loved the people I've been working with. I don't care much for customers, but my supervisor is a cool as fuck guy that I consider to be a friend. I am not sure where this venture into sales is going to go, I am still considering quitting but I have a lot of issues I need to clean up before quitting as quitting now might be more costly than staying for a bit longer. Still, this change in my life has had its ups and downs, but I am happy that I am doing something different with my life and that I do have more options compared to before.
Talking about my health
I've talked about my health before, this year brought a lot of new concerns about my health and those are being looked into. I really don't have a lot of details to give since my previous blog, so I guess it's worth addressing the changes in my attitude about my health. This year brought a sudden realization that I didn't want to die anymore. I simply stopped being suicidal, stopped wanting to hurt myself, I actually started caring about my health and wellbeing. I came to the realization that I need to care about my health because I want to live and grow old with my wife. So with that change, I've started taking better care of myself. I started cutting out more alcohol from my life, so much so that there are bottles of alcohol well over a year old now that haven't been touched since we've moved into this apartment. I've cut back on how much I eat during the day (partly by choice and partly because whatever is wrong with my health has killed my appetite.) My wife is helping me with physical therapy to help with the pain that I've been dealing with. I am also more actively working with my doctor to deal with my health. I am doing everything possible to make sure I can grow as old as possible and spend as much time as alive as possible!
Who's the snake?
So another year and another new character, who's the snake? The snake is Sarah Redfield, my scalie sona that was introduced last year. They are an agender and asexual snake that is a massive weeb and loves technology. Compared to Lilith, they are more of a character than a simple stand-in for myself. They aren't really a replacement to Lilith and I am not going to be changing my screen name to Sarah Redfield either. I just felt like it would be fun to use Sarah more since I love their design and the character philosophy they have. So don't worry about losing everyone's favorite Cubi, I am still Lilith Valentine and that cubi isn't going anywhere!
Today's Lilith picture is actually going to be a Sarah picture! This one was a commission by Jaqbee!
I am the waifu now! Life update!Aug 27, 2020
A little late but a quite a few things happened in my life these past few months, some good and some concerning. So let's start with the best part to happen to my life, on July 7th, 2020, @FatalAryia and I got married! Short engagement, but we considered ourselves to have been engaged longer than that and really didn't see any benefits in not getting married. We already live together, we already share everything, and we really make an amazing couple! So got legally married by the state, which I want to add that we had to go to another state to get married because Kentucky sucks. Small rant, Kentucky is a terrible state to live in and I wouldn't recommend living here to anyone. You literally need to have the full marriage ceremony with two witnesses just to get a marriage license! Seriously, that's just one of countless reasons why this entire state sucks so much! I just wanted to add that little rant in there because it's why we had to travel to literally another state just to get married. We are also planning our wedding sometime in the future, still not sure when. My entire family and most of my friends still live in Massachusetts and many others are scattered about, so it's going to take time and money to plan everything for our wedding. Still, we do know a few things that we are planning, the first being that Potato will be the Ring-bearer, and Aryia's younger sister will have the more important role of the Potato Carrier. We also know that we plan on having this song playing when the wedding is finished
Why? Because wedding outro! So yeah, still got a lot more planning to do for the future and waiting for things like COVID to stop being such a massive issue. The last thing we would want is for either of our loved ones to get sick attending our wedding. A lot of good stuff going on there and I am super happy for our future together!
This is the less fun stuff that I need to address, which is concerns about my health. Let me fully disclose that we do not know what's going on, nothing is confirmed, and nothing looks too serious but somethings are pretty serious. I talked about this in a previous blog, I really don't want to die anymore., which talked about my shift in mental health and concerns about my immune system. So my last visit with my doctor I decided to bring up concerns about my immune system and asked for some tests to be done. We did some basic testing and found that my white blood cells were a little elevated, vitamin D was extremely low, and my red blood cell count is low as well. Which has raised some concerns when coupled with me dealing with some deep bone pains throughout my body, mostly in my legs. So, yeah, kind of worrying stuff and we are still in the process testing for everything. We can confirm that it's not AIDS or anything like that, that's something that I've been tested for, even though I will be tested again just to make sure. I will keep the Temp posted on this because it's in development and it's kind of a scary thing going on. I am not going to lie, I've been a bit shaken from this because I really don't want this to be serious and the uncertainty is deeply upsetting.
Which on the topic of my health, it’s actually this doctor’s visit that is going to cause me to quit my job. The health insurance I got through my job only covered part of the bill and as a result, Aryia and I are going to be paying nearly $2,000 for our visit! I’ve spent the past few days fighting this and trying to get someone to deal with this and ended up being told that because my policy was new, they weren’t going to cover the full amount. This is on top of my health insurance not covering my medications and my pharmacy literally having to use GoodRx to cover our pills last time. Now, this is just the final straw for me as I was already getting sick of the job, to begin with. In recent months the job has started to become less rewarding as they’ve been quietly removing products that we make a commission on and not telling anyone when they do. A good example is that I used to make commissions selling Airpods, they remove that without telling anyone but still count the sales towards our sales numbers. So I have been keeping up the same constant rate of sales and not getting paid for those sales. The job has also been adding more and more responsibilities, requirements, and making it more stressful as an attempt to bump up sales, which has just resulted in everyone becoming more overworked and stressed out as result. The job simply isn’t worth it anymore when I am making less every month and current in debt because of this job. So it looks like I will be going back to Amazon for the time being and using the free time I get from leaving this job to help @FatalAryia with her art career!
My wife and I are actually planning on furthering her art career and I will be helping her along the way with that. She currently has a Patreon and a discord setup that we’ve been working on for the past couple of weeks. She’s also been building up her art resumé by taking in commissions and starting to make some fan art of her favorite video game characters. We also plan on making a webcomic based on a script that I’ve been working on for many years now. I am going to be keeping most of the details secret, but I am going to say that it’s going to be starring Lilith and Aryia, it’s going to be a satire of slice of life anime, and the story is loosely based off my real life. I am going to be writing most of the story and she is going to be drawing all of the art for it! I am pretty excited when we finally see this project get off the ground! We’ve been planning this comic since the day we got together and it’s been something we’ve been fleshing out for over a year now. I am also pretty excited to see her art career get off the ground and see that becoming a success for her! I’ve been rooting her on ever since day one, so this is a pretty amazing moment for us!
So there are a lot of unknowns in my future, some to look forward to and others that kind of shaken me. Still, I am happy that I am finally taking my health seriously, finally married to the woman that I’ve loved for so long, finally seeing our lives coming together, and just finally seeing a future. That being said, today’s Lilith art is brought to you by @FatalAryia! Just a cute little cubi desperate for attention!
I am gonna be a waifu!Jul 6, 2020
On June 18th, 2020, my girlfriend (now fiancée,) purposed to me! I am so excited that I've had to rewrite this introduction multiple times as I am lacking the words to describe how happy I am. I knew from the second she appeared in my life that I wanted to spend my life with her, that I knew we would happy together. Despite so many hardships and the years when we were separated, I never stopped wanting her back in my life. I've waited for this moment for so many years and it's finally happening! I am finally getting married to the girl of my dreams and I am so overwhelmed with excitement! I wanted to make this my normal long-winded life update blog but I am not sure what more I can add to this. My life has been pretty good and improving every day, so I guess I can talk about it a little more.
My life hasn't been too eventful, which is a nice change of pace for me when one considered everything I've been through. I've often dreamed of living a peaceful life with someone I loved without something horrible looming in the background or that life being a lie created to hide the ugly truth. I waited a long time for the moment when I could say "I didn't make any blogs this past couple of months because I've just been enjoying my life." Which is something I am happy to say is a reality for me in these recent months. My fiancée and I have spent a lot of time together enjoying deep conversations about everything. We have been enjoying each other's company this past couple of months through quarantine and everything happening in the world right now. She's been helping me learn to cope and deal with my mental illnesses, like helping talk me through PTSD induced panic attacks or doing everything to comfort me when the stress gets too hard for me to deal with. She and I spend all of our time together but yet never grow tired of each other and know how to give each other space when we need it. We regularly go on hikes, walks, and she loves to encourage my need to explore the world around me. I've found my mental health has been greatly improving and in return, I've been doing everything I can to help her when she needs help. We've been building each other up, working as a team to improve both of our lives as partners and individuals and I am so happy that I can see her bright smile and beautiful eyes when she looks at me. I am so happy when I wake up to find her holding me in the morning that life has gotten better. I truly adore her and love everything about her, she's my best friend and soon to be my wife.
Despite Covid-19 still being a thing, I've found happiness in wearing a mask all the time because it's helping me with my social anxiety. I am still working, but I've only suffered some minor illnesses here and there since wearing a mask all the time in public, so I feel a bit safer. I fucking love Mask Life™ and the fun of collecting masks. I feel like I've waited my entire life to have a valid and socially acceptable reason to wear a mask the time. To me, there are so many perks to wearing one:
1: Fucks with facial recognition, very nice!
2: Cute masks make everything enjoyable
3: No one knows my gender my mask, so I am almost always gendered correctly
4: Mask Life™
5: I feel cute wearing them
6: I am sick less often
My immune system is really bad like I used to get sick regularly and would take forever to recover from. The most I've been dealing with is a few minor illnesses that didn't last more than 24 hours. There's also the fact that I am not being as stressed as I used to be and taking care of my health has also helped me greatly. COVID has been rough but at least I found something out of it that has made my personal life so much better.
I am still active in school, despite feeling many of my classes are rather pointless and not beneficial to my fields of study. I am also still a straight-A student and working extremely hard on my schoolwork with most of my free time. That part of life has changed in the past two years and I still got a few more years of doing this. My goal is to use what I've been studying over the years in psychology and social psychology to help those in similar situations as I was or at risk of ending up in abusive situations. I want to use the trauma I went through as motivation to help others and the best way to do this is getting the proper education and qualifications to do so. As well as continuing my therapy and recovery process along the way. I am learning how to cope with or unlearn toxic behaviors/coping mechanisms, learning how to recognize and deal with my triggers. I am learning how to recover while learning how to help others recover as well.
I don't think there is much else I can add to this blog post. My life is for the better, much less eventful. I am not struggling with the same kinds of issues that I used to struggle with in the past. My life is pretty average and mostly just made up of fun little adventures with my fiancée and our Glaceon plushie, Potato. It was always my goal when making these blogs to one day not need to make so many of them if just make a few every couple of months as my life progresses. This blog was started as a means of getting my thoughts of my head because I wasn't in a situation where I felt like I was safe to talk to anyone, so I made these blogs to put my mind at ease. Now with my life getting better, an amazing and supportive partner who actively helps improve my life, and slowly recovering, these blogs are finally starting to spread apart. The growing distance in time between the blog posts was something I always wanted to see when making these blogs. Less frequent updates because my life was getting better. I am finally happy with my life and it's still getting better for me. Soon I will be married to my amazing partner, we are going to have a house together, and I am finally going to settle down in the life I've always wanted. This is something that I wanted to share for a long time and I am so happy that I am finally able to.
Lilith picture time! This one is brought to you by my amazing fiancée! This one was made for Mask Life™!
Edit: and a new one she just sketched for this blog post!
This one is her character, Aryia, petting, and comforting Lilith the same way she does for me!
One year on HRT!Apr 19, 2020
Today officially marks one full year on estradiol, spironolactone, and 6 months on progesterone, altogether one full year on HRT! I am excited to have finally reached this moment in my life! I am not actually sure what to say, considering just how much I've detailed my life and the struggles I had to overcome just to get to this point throughout my blogs. So I guess I can talk about some of the observable and noticeable changes that I can talk about that might be interesting to people!
I will try to be detailed about these changes without too much TMI because may changes would be rather TMI and something I think requires at least a first date before you can hear about those. That being said, let's start with the mental changes that as those changes are the most beneficial in my life. First and foremost, I am way more mentally stable compared to pre-HRT and dealing with my emotions far better. Pre-HRT I was extremely unstable and tended to overreact as I pretty much was always pretty angry or super depressed all the time, so any small issues would result in me just overreacting. This was a mix of my body pretty much being poisoned by my own testosterone and me not getting proper treatment for my mental illnesses and autism, which basically left me in a constant state of self-loathing and desire to die. This was something I noticed changing very early on, mostly when I started noticing that I would just end up crying whenever I got mad and then I would calm down pretty quickly, which crying pretty much became the new normal for me. Happy? Crying! Sad? Super crying! Anime character said something that touched me? CRYING! Not gonna lie, it's rather therapeutic to cry instead of having angry outbursts or repressing my emotions...something I literally can't do anymore. So yeah, my mind isn't as horrible a place as it used to be and it's making life more enjoyable for me. Even my girlfriend, who has been living with me pretty much since most of the major changes have happened in my life. She's remarked on much better I've been composing myself and loving the emotional changes she's been watching as time has gone on. She's seen me through some of the worst parts of my life and has a pretty good base to gauge her observations on, so I trust her when she talks about the changes she's noticed and when she confirms from my own observations. I hope the Temp has noticed some of these changes, I've been trying to my best to be a better person and do better for the community because I didn't like who I was before HRT and I didn't like the stupid shit was I was doing. So I do hope I've been a better member of the community since I've been on my hormones and been getting proper treatments.
Let's talk about physical changes because those are the fun ones for me! My skin is super fucking soft and I love it! That was a change that I was the most excited about as I hated how rough my skin was before HRT. I still remember the first moment I rested my face on my arms and really felt just how soft my cheeks were against my arms and how soft my skin was against cheeks, I felt like a different person. I can't get over this, it's seriously the best thing ever! That and my body hair has slowed down drastically, it takes far longer for my body and facial hair to grow back and it's not nearly as thick or coarse as it used to be. It also saves a lot on razors as I don't need to shave as regularly, I do still need to get laser hair removal in the future though. That being said, it's nice seeing my body hair growth finally slow to a more manageable level. My muscles are starting to get leaner and far less bulky, I am losing a lot of my strength, which is to be expected. I can safely say that I wouldn't even stand a chance in hand-to-hand combat with myself from last year, which is fine because seriously hated how bulky my arms were and flat my body was. Speaking of which, my body is starting to show some curves and my breasts have gotten a lot bigger, which is amazing! Nothing is more satisfying than seeing me in the mirror and noticing the small changes happening throughout my body. It's even better when my girlfriend takes pictures of these changes so she can point them out to me. It's so rewarding and validating to finally see my body properly developing into the body it was supposed to have had if it didn't decide to fuck things up shortly before I was born. There have been many other changes, but most of them are far too personal and obviously not something I am going to post on the Temp. There have also been many small changes like my body odor is nowhere near as bad as it was before, my hair is a lot softer and more bouncy, and other small changes like that.
There's a lot that has happened since starting hormones, most of which have greatly improved my outlook on life and my body image. Even the less fun stuff hasn't really dampened anything for me, mostly because I signed up for the good and the bad as the good greatly outweighs everything else. I am perfectly happy with the occasional moodiness, crying over literally everything, and other less fun stuff, at the end of the time I am living a far better life now than I was last year. I have no regrets starting hormones and I doubt I will have any regrets moving forward with anything else I feel is needed to live a better life. The only thing that upsets me more now is knowing that it was known that I was intersex, it was observed and I could have been started way earlier in my life, but I was still raised as a "boy" despite the obvious problems that it was causing on my life. I don't hold this against my family, but it does still tilts me something horrible that I had to wait until I was nearly 30 before this was resolved and that was a fun life as a result. I digress though, as I am actively and quickly working towards bettering my life since last year. So with that ramble out of the way, here's the Lilith picture of the day! This one is an experimental picture made by girlfriend she was practicing her shading.
Poor Lilith, I do wonder what has upset them so much?
So a tornado touched down near my placeApr 9, 2020
So about an hour ago we had a tornado touch down not too far from my place. Casey and I are doing ok, we made sure we went to a safe place in our apartment complex and waited out the storm. The storm has passed over us and it's calming down as I am writing this blog.
The damages? Well, our porch roof got a bit fucked
There were three panels on that roof and now there are only two So that's something I might need to be concerned about in the morning.
That being said, we are all ok and no other damages to report until the morning. I will try to keep everyone posted!
Keeping with the Lilith picture of the Blog, this one was made by @x65943 and think it's self-explanatory
Update: all of the damages I’ve found thus far
I really don't want to die anymore.Mar 29, 2020
It's hard to really put down in writing just what it means to longer feel a strong desire to die. No longer feel like you are willing to just accept death at any given moment. It's something that feels amazing deep down, it truly does and that can't be stressed enough. Waking up and feeling that drive to want to live, to want to move forward, and to just feel content in my life, is something I've wanted for quite some time now. I think it's something most people take for granted nor understand and that's fine, I wouldn't want someone to ever truly feel so suicidal that they are willing to die at any given moment to escape the suffering they are going through. This kind of deeply rooted pain is something I wouldn't wish on anyone and I do hope those who are dealing with it can recover from it. That being said, it's nice to be alive and enjoy my life again. I actually see a future for my life, as the plans are being laid out by Casey and myself. I am happy I was able to live through so much and now able to see how the choices I made were able to put me on a better path. This is why I am so deeply terrified of one major health issue that I've been avoiding and it's been a real problem, more so now than ever before. I have a super weak immune system and my health has always been extremely poor as a result. This isn't something I am saying for sympathetic reasons but because it's actually something that has me worried and I've literally been losing sleep over it...which is ironically the one thing I shouldn't be doing because that's super bad for my health. So I want to talk about this so maybe it will stop giving me so much anxiety and I can focus on something else.
So yeah, my immune system is super bad, like anime character standing the rain for 5 seconds and being hospitalized levels of bad. To put into perspective how bad my immune system is; I got the flu shot on October 22nd, 2019. I ended up getting the flu at the end of November and lasted well over a week and a half into December, this flu took over another week for the muscle, joint, and bone pain (especially in my legs,) to recover. About 3 weeks after that, I came down with what I could guess was a super nasty cold that made going about my life and my new job at Amazon quite horrible. That cold took 2 weeks to recover from and against a long period for the rest of my body to recover. Towards the end of February, I came down with the stomach flu that took nearly 2 weeks to recover from and before I even finished recovering, I came down with another flu a week into my new job. Now I am currently recovering from that flu, which has once again left the bones in my legs and arms feeling like I just walked from my hometown in North East to my current town in the Midwest. And I mean the actual bones in my body are what's hurting, the pain is so deep that it's just unpleasant, to say the least. Another example is the fact that I have a lot of scars all over my body and covering a lot of real estate on my arms. Pretty much every cut I get will end being a scar due to how slowly my body recovers from injuries. I tend to get infections super easily if I don't tend to my wounds and that has its fair share complications on my health. This has been my normal for most of my life and my entire adult life. I've just kind of accepted this because of a variety of reasons. I didn't have insurance and thus couldn't afford to do anything about it, no one took me seriously when I did bring up concerns about it, and after some years I just decided to accept it as a deep suicidal acceptance. I was able to successfully stay dead after my last suicide attempts, so I decided that I might as well let my weak immune system find something that could kill me. I just accepted my life was going to be cut short and there was nothing I could do about it and I wasn’t going to fight it if something did happen to me, so I didn't care about my obvious problems for the longest time. Until very recently when I realized I didn't want to die anymore and I wanted to take care of this issue or at least understand the cause of my weakened immune system, but now is the worst possible time to realize all of this.
What do I mean by the worst time? Well, simply put, I don't have the means to actually address my issues because I lack insurance. There's also kind of a global pandemic going on, which actually why I started worrying in the first place. There have been several confirmed cases in towns around my town and even a few possible cases already in my own town. I am literally working in a job that involves talking to and interacting with people all day and most days out of the week. This puts me at great unease as I know I don't have the immune system deal with this and my lungs aren't very good due to having asthma. I literally got the flu after only a few days of working with the public again and that scares me because I don't have the means of dealing with these kinds of setbacks. I don't have a proper diagnosis as to what has weakened my immune system, so I can't seak out any possible means of staying home and earning money during this pandemic. I can't afford to self-isolate, I can't afford the medical bills I already have nor the illness-related debt that has been accumulating. I simply can't afford to avoid getting sick because I neglected my own wellbeing for so many years. It terrifies me that I am finally putting my life together and finally have a bright future but now I am in a situation that has put me in so much unrest. Even though chances are high that if I did get sick, I will recover and bounce back, I literally can't afford that kind debt and I lack insurance as a means of covering any possible issues. That's terrifying to me, I finally want to live and now I am in a position that poses so many threats towards my overall wellbeing, it's almost some kind of cruel prank waiting to happen. Yeah, I am rather uneasy about this and kind of shook, not gonna lie. I want to stay positive but it's like, shit, I really picked a bad year to start getting my life together.
I know some people might see this as another person panicking, but that's not what I am doing. I know with the proper measures that it's unlikely for me to get COVID-19 and that there is still a high chance of me recovering if I did. But it's about being upset with my own self-negligence over so many years and now it's finally kicking me in the ass. A lot is my fault and something I could have prevented by simply talking to my doctor along time ago about this. A lot could have been done if I just communicated better with my girlfriend. She has some medical training and knowledge and was imminently able to narrow down that my immune system was weakened just by me actually describing what was going on. The anxiety I am dealing with could have been taken care of years ago when I had insurance and when I had the means of addressing this issue. Now, there isn't really anything I can do but wait for this all to settle down, wait for a confirmed vaccine, wait until my job gives me insurance, and avoid getting sick as best as possible. It's that waiting that is giving me so much anxiety at this point and knowing that every day I go to work I am putting myself at greater risks due to my past self not caring about my future. I just want to know what's wrong with my body and how to deal with it and move on with my life. This is a new kind of anxiety for me, a desire to live, something I am not used to. I am not used to worrying about getting sick nor worrying about possible repercussions to my actions. Now that I am suffering that kind of anxiety, it's a bit overwhelming for me at this moment and something that's kept me awake for far too long for several nights. Which on one hand, yay! I don't want to die! On the other hand, now I feel fear! Progress has been made, this is both a blessing and a curse.
I really don't know how to end this blog as it's something that is in the moment as opposed to weeks later. Things are changing and it's been for the better overall. I am happier with my life and I know once this has all blown over I will have insurance, which means seeing my doctor for all of this. I know there is a future and this is definitely not the worst series of events that I've lived through. But for the moment, I am feeling uneasy and wanted to express those uneasy thoughts to get them out of my head. That all being said, here's the Lilith picture! This one was drawn by @B_E_P_I_S_M_A_N
Wall of positive text!Mar 2, 2020
I've made a lot of negative blogs in my time and that's partly because I started making these blog posts as more of a therapeutic reason and just getting thoughts out of my mind. I found that getting thoughts trapped in my head out there and just letting them get some feedback helped me cope and break those thoughts down to be more manageable. Sometimes it's harder to breakdown my thoughts because well, it's my mind that's trying to hurt me. I have a lot of years of hurt from the abuse I went through and it's still something that affects me on the daily, it's going to take time to recover and I am finally starting to realize this. But recently I've started to take time to focus on some of the positive changes in my life and I think those are worth sharing because there are many accomplishments and or changes that are worth being proud of! So that's just what I am going to do, share some of those positive changes in my life!
Let the changes begin! Eduction!
The past two years have been extremely eventful, to say the least. I can safely say that I've accomplished far more in these past 2 years than I did in years prior. One accomplishment has been actively working on bettering my living situation, from moving out of my old apartment and in with a friend, to getting an apartment with my girlfriend. She and I are also actively working on finding our own home after the lease on this apartment ends. Considering I lived for nearly 6 years in my old apartment, it's quite nice to finally be out of that apartment and looking for a better place to settle down.
I am quite proud to say that I've started attending college. Which has been a rather stressful change in life and for a short period of my educational career. I started to become very disillusioned with my purpose of going to college. I was stressed out by having to juggle my classwork, my job, and my personal life, I was actually considering dropping out of college and even took several breaks from my classes to deal with my stress and depression. Through all of the stress, however, I've managed to become a straight-A student in all of my classes. I didn't allow myself to quit, despite becoming disillusioned by my stress, I kept going and I am proud of myself. I am proud of the fact that I was able to keep my grades high and have been able to accomplish so much thus far. This leads me to my current studies and goals. I am currently studying to get my BA in social psychology and psychology, I am not sure what I am going to do with this degree just yet but I do some ideas. I had a goal of studying religious anthropology, which I am still interested in but that's kind of shifted away as my main goal. I am currently interested in trying to help abuse victims or those prone to being abused, like LGBT+ youth. I want to help prevent abuse by teaching people how to spot potential abuse or how to get out of abusive relationships. This has been kind of an idea that I've been keeping on my mind and studying to see what direction I need to go in to accomplish this currently vague goal. Which might I stress, I am happy to have a vague goal in my future because that gives me something to work towards and flesh out as I continue my education.
My health is something I am happy to say is finally getting the proper treatment I've so desperately needed. So to start with, I did start going to a therapist (although I am not able to see her recently due to issues with my insurance, which I will get to later,) which has helped me learn some better coping skills and learn how to communicate a little better. She also helped me deal with some of the issues in my past and helped me realize how a lot of the issues and trauma from my past ended up priming me to end up in abusive and self-destructive relationships and tendencies. I often neglected a lot of the trauma in my past and either avoided or ignored how they might have played into my low self-esteem and tendencies for self-abuse to the point of seeking validation from abusive people. This is something I would have struggled to understand on my own if I didn't go to therapy and learned how to let go of that kind ego and start accepting help from others. From there, I've started HRT last year, which turned out to be a little more interesting. It seems I appear to be intersex and as a result, a good part of my depression was being caused by how my hormones were way out of wack. The good news, I've been on hormones since April 18th, 2019 and they've had an amazing change for my overall wellbeing. I am far less depressed compared to life pre-hormones, I haven't had any suicidal tendencies, my mind has finally started to feel a lot more at ease since starting my hormones. Not to mention the physical changes that I am so happy to see my body going through and overall relief of seeing my body finally taking its proper form. I can safely say that I have no regrets since starting these hormones and they have saved my life. The last note on my health, it also turns out I am rather autistic and that's actually quite the relief as well. I know some people might view this with a negative stigma and blah blah, but for me, this one revelation has really pieced together a lot of struggles I went through growing up. When I was a child I was diagnosed with ADHD but that didn't quite go anywhere and nor did it account for a lot the issues I was going through. In hindsight, I was clearly showing a lot more signs of being autistic over ADHD. It was also rather common for doctors to misdiagnose autisic people due to the very limited knowledge autism spectrum back when I was a kid. That all being said, sure this recent realization doesn't fix my past but it does help me work on bettering my future as I now understand myself a deeper level in ways I didn't understand growing up.
Leading up to the current day!
So let's now talk more about my present life and how things are going in the here and now. One big change is that I am no longer working for Walmart after 6 years of being employed for the company. I spent 6 years working at my old store and transferred to another store that was closer to my apartment and that store was HORRIBLE. They treated me like dirt and that's just being positive for the sake of keeping this blog positive. I was belittled by their managers, I was put into tasks that even their experienced were never given and punished for not finishing them, I was basically treated like crap by their managers and I was constantly stressed out. I ended up getting a pretty horrible flu at the start of December and I literally couldn't function, let alone work. I barely remember that week because I was barely awake and the times when I was awake, I was so feverish that I was often delirious with a few moments of clarity. I was able to get a doctor's note and went through all of the proper channels to make sure my medical leave was submitted and approved. During this time, I was able to manage to watch all of Dragon Prince, Made in Abyss, and finished Ancient Magus' Bride during any moments of clarity, so that was a plus! When I got back, the managers attempted to fire me for the week I missed and I found out that the 3rd party company Walmart goes through for their medical leave decided to flip my "approved" status to "pending" and were requesting some vague paperwork. I spent all month trying to call them, email them, and even messaging them through their service to get in contact with someone to explain what paperwork I needed. (Bonus fact, I ended up with the paperwork I needed, two weeks after it would have been due.) I got nowhere and I was bound to get fired but it got worse from there. I used to be off every Friday and Saturday night, this was my availability and had been for nearly 3 years, until they decided to change it without telling me. I ended up missing the Saturday before Christmas as a "no call, no show" even though they changed my schedule and didn't tell me. They didn't fire me on the spot, but I knew my time was limited and the only thing keeping me with the company was my health insurance through them. Christmas night, I was already considering not showing up because, let's be real here, I really didn't want to work Christmas night. What made me quit was when I checked my schedule and saw they started giving me Tuesday and Wednesday off and removed my previous availability. I was done after that, I decided that I had enough of their shit and simply never went back. I have only walked into that store twice, once to return something with my girlfriend and grab something with my friend and the second time to ask about my tax papers. Even though I lost the health insurance that I had through Walmart, I can safely say that my life is far better now than it ever was when I was that horrible place. My overall health has improved, my depression is more manageable, and I am enjoying life a lot more. Right now I am working part-time at an Amazon sort-center and quite enjoy it. It's pretty chill part of Amazon and not the shitty part that fires people over literally everything, plus it's a part-time job that's been helping fill the time between jobs.
My job situation is starting to look a little better and I am rather hopeful. I've been in contact with OSL, they are the Wireless sales company that works through stores like Walmart and some other select stores. This has been a rather interesting situation as the higher managers are rather incompetent but interested in me. I've had multiple interviews with multiple people and all of them are interested but don't seem to be good at communicating with each other as no one seems to know which spot is open and which one isn't. Luckily they have kept in contact with me and I should be hearing back from them within the next few days as to what the plans are moving forward. I do have a lot of experience in wireless sales and that's been working heavily in my favor for this position, that's something they have been very vocal about. They've already said if hired I will most likely be sent to some of the stores around me to train new hires due to my years of experience with the software they are still using. So I am hopeful about this one and I am going to keep doing everything I can to get this job.The Current Day!
Finally, to wrap up this blog, I am currently fighting a really bad stomach flu as of the writing of this blog. I've been fighting this illness for the past couple of days now and it's not been fun. I am, however, happy to report that I am finally able to hold down food again! I've been enjoying some miso soup that my girlfriend has been making for me. A small accomplishment to proud of, all things considered. I bring this up because it did bring to light something that really helps change my perception of myself and my personal values of myself. Tonight (March 1, 2019,) my girlfriend went out with friends of ours to help cheer up one of our friends who was having a rough time. I decided to stay home because I am still pretty sick and didn't feel comfortable going out. During that time, I came to find out that our group of friends actually missed me and were worried about me. They were really concerned and really voiced their concerns about me not being out last night. I am actually moved to find out that my friends care about me and actually enjoy me being around. My ex and his boyfriend had me convinced no one cared about me and were constantly pushing people out of my life whenever I got close to anyone. To find out that people do care about me and do worry about me is rather overwhelming and one of the best changes in my life. I am so grateful that I finally got out of the abuse I was going through, so overjoyed that I didn't die early on during my struggles, and beyond excited to say that my life is better and getting better by the day. Even with small struggles, I am happy that I am actually free and able to keep moving forward.
Random facts about me, part 2! The trend starter follows the trend!Feb 15, 2020
So I started another trend, go me! That being said, I was already planning to make this blog because my other one went quite well and I felt like more can be said! So Here’s my second line up of random fact about me!
I tend to have a bit of an obsession with animated men like Alucard from Hellsing (Ultimate,) Elias Ainsworth from The Ancient Magus’ Bride, Roy Mustang and Scar from FMA (Brotherhood,) and Aaravos from The Dragon Prince. There’s just something so hot about these guys, maybe it’s the power they command or maybe they are so incredibly hot. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Who knows, but I love them!
My favorite Pokémon main series games are Pokémon Black/White/2
I didn’t originally start out enjoying the Monster Hunter games, but now they are some of my favorite games when I have hours to sink into them.
Link from Breath of the Wild is bae and goals.
Mei from Overwatch is the best girl
I am a bit of a history nerd and I love collecting historical objects, like money. Some of my personal prized coins would have to be my American Civil War era coins like my 3 Cent piece, my Nazi Germany coins, and my USSR era coins and banknote.
I actually prefer Digimon over Pokémon, but Monster Rancher over Digimon.
I tend to do a lot of mobile gaming due to my busy life, I am enjoying Monster Hunter Stories on my iPhone/iPad. Yeah, I know it’s a 3DS game and I own it on my 3DS but I rarely have my 3DS on me due to lack of space or just simply not wanting to risk having my 3DS break or stolen at my work.
My favorite handheld is the PSP because of how easy and fun it is to hack, not to mention soooo many JRPGs.
My favorite NDS flashcart is the Acekard 2i, followed by the R4i Gold (plus.)
I am quite sensitive in real life and cry over damn near everything.
I love slice of life anime.
I am typing this out on an iPad using a Brydge keyboard.
The symbol on my left hand that is sometimes present in my pictures is the Sigil of Lucifer I am a Luciferian Satanist.
Some of my other favorite anime in no order would be Hellsing Ultimate, Made in Abyss, The Ancient Magus’ Bride, Death Note, and Mob Psycho 100
My favorite video game series is the Ace Attorney games
I fucking love dragons.
I prefer cats over dogs.
I own a Glaceon plushie named “Potato,” she was the first gift my girlfriend gave me and she is our traveling buddy
This is Potato, she traveled through states like Texas, Indiana, Massachusetts, and Kentucky.
I am currently replaying Breath of the Wild and Digimon Story: Cyber Sleuth on my Switch.
Solus is my favorite Linux distro
Those are some random facts about!
The Lilith picture of the day is a stupid Lilith comic I made for the EOF
Random facts about me!Feb 9, 2020
I have a fuck ton of facts laying around and I felt like they should be in my blog, so time for some random facts including old facts but worth bringing up again!
My girlfriend's name is Casey
Despite my youthful look, I was born August 9th, 1991, meaning I am 28 as of writing this post.
I've been on hormones since April 18th, 2019
I have difficulty hearing and processing sound around me.
I tend to be extremely shy and have a hard time holding a conversation. Sometimes I vanish from conversations for long periods of time. I am a lot less shy the more I talk to someone.
I am not a fan of making eye contact
I a bit on the spectrum in way too many ways.
I am a bit of a well-known perv and I tend to flirt when I am comfortable with someone.
I am not a Windows user, I will use anything from Linux, BSD, to macOS (which is just BSD at its core.)
I mostly live on a vegetarian diet because I am allergic to meat.
I would consider my sexuality to be best described as "pansexual," but I mostly date women (cis and trans,) femmes, and other non-binary folks. There are some men that I would date.
I am a non-binary demigirl, personally I prefer "they/them" pronouns but I am also fine with she/her from friends and loved ones.
I am a college student studying psychology and social psychology.
I have an online persona named "Lilith Valentine." They are a shape-shifting non-binary succubus that started out as a semi-anthro wolf named "Lone Heart" when I was 12. Since then they were a "catboy" named "The Catboy" and Miko Bootstraps who was just a masc non-binary character later femme, then to Crystal the Glaceon, from there to Femcario the Lucario, then to Lilith Valentine the wolf-husky most people know, finally Lilith Valentine the succubus.
My favorite Pokémon is Charmeleon, my second favorite is Umbreon, and my third is Lucario
I am a huge Spider-man fan and I have been for pretty much entire life.
I mostly game on PS4 and Switch, sometimes PC if I can.
My favorite video game console of all time is the original Xbox
My favorite video game of all time is Yoshi's Island on the SNES and with Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Sky at a close second.
My favorite anime of all time is Squid Girl or the full/Japanese name, Shinryaku! Ika Musume
I am a modder and I love to hack my electronics. I also tend to do hardware repairs.
I wear cat ears everywhere and a fox tail any other than work. I do this in reference to my confusing gender, catgirls being connected to trans girls and foxes being ambiguous for non-binary. I also wear these because I am a furry and just enjoy wearing them.
I tend to dress in a rather goth/emo/punk style.
I am red-green colorblind
I am rather short at 5’4.
That is a fuck ton of random facts about me!
Bonus fact, "Succubus facts" is not actually based on the real lore around succubus. It's presented in-character as Lilith talking about facts about herself, which is based on lore for a webcomic my girlfriend and I are working on.
The Lilith picture of the day is the Christmas avatar Casey made me! So cute~ <3
2020Jan 1, 2020
2010, I was an 18-year-old high schooler waiting for the school year to end and eagerly waiting to move in with my boyfriend. My goals were simple back then and never once I could I have ever imagined what the next 10 years were about to bring. Now I sit here, a 28-year-old, only a few hours before the year ends and eagerly waiting for my girlfriend to get off work to see a new decade begin. So much has changed in the past 10 years and I know that a new year doesn't bring much beyond a simple date change but for me, it sparks the end of my past life. The past decade nearly broke me, creating scars that might never heal but equally a strong will and desire to move forward. I've survived through the worst and even stood toe to toe with Death. I've seen the Void and lost myself to the darkness, but I never gave up on myself. The fact that I am still here to see 2020 is a testament to my determination and a testament to all those who helped me get through the worst of it all. This year will start with a new job, no more Walmart. This year will start in a new apartment with my girlfriend, no more feeling hopeless and helpless in my old apartment nor my old town. This year is a new year and the best way to start a new decade. I am not completely better and to be honest, I think that's going to take more time and that's fine. I can say that I am happier, I am far more confidant for a better future.
I fixed a DS Lite with another DS LiteNov 17, 2019
So early last month I accidentally bricked DS lite while testing some custom DS firmware (FWNitro to Flashme.) I accomplished bricking my DS Lite to a state where none of the recovery methods would work to boot into the SLOT1 nor the SlOT2. So I used my girlfriend’s DS that I found at her parents’ place to fix mine by hot-swapping the Wifi/firmware chips. Roughly two hours later and now we have two fully working DS lites and I think that’s pretty swish.
The past decadeNov 10, 2019
I've not been sure as to how I was going to go about making this blog because honestly, a lot has happened this past decade. Making a summary of events seems like a rather long and tedious task, especially when I have already written so many blog posts, to begin with. At the same time, I do feel the need to write something after such a landmark has been made. Thinking it over, I decided that the best I can do is start writing with no goal in mind and see where I end up.
When I first joined the Temp, I never intended to go anywhere with this account. I created a quick throwaway account because the site was locked down from guests and I had to make an account to see the progress being made on the patches for the Japanese release of Pokemon SoulSilver/HeartGold and Bowser’s Inside Story. I just joined to bitch about not being able to see the site and how I wanted these patches to be released already, simply put, I was one of those members back then. I don’t remember what kept me posting, I think it was just to ask for help in the M3 scene concerning a few issues I was having and not being able to find the solution to these issues. Regardless of my reasons for staying on the Temp, I stayed nonetheless and started posting more regularly. I never once thought I would still be here 10 years later, nor did I think so much would have happened, so much would have changed, and just how different my life truly turned out.
This past decade has left me scarred, damaged, depressed, and still recovering from everything that has happened, everything the Temp was informed about or only saw the effects of. I struggled for years with issues like abuse, substance abuse, gender/sexuality issues, and just so much that happened, things I never saw coming when I started at the age of 18. I started when I was just about to finish high school and ready to see just what life had going for me. At no point did I expect this site to help me find out so much more about myself and taught me so much about the hacking community. I started posting M3 news because I was eager to share the latest M3 updates with the community and since I was going to be active, I needed something to do with my time as I waited for new ROMs to be dumped and new APs to be cracked. During those times I ended up connecting to a lot of the members, members like Densetsu, who helped me out when I was struggling with my identity. During this time that my life started making small changes in the real world. High school ended and I moved in with my boyfriend and a friend of mine, I was starting to look for a job, it was pretty bog-standard stuff for someone who considered themselves a gay male. On the Temp I was just your standard helpful user doing my best to help people out, I wasn’t that invested on the site as I had a lot more going on in my life to worry about. When I moved out of state and halfway across the country is when my life truly started to change. My boyfriend’s family lived in a very isolated location and I lacked a car, job, cellphone, internet, etc.. I ended up being completely dependent on my ex-boyfriend for everything because he had money and phone and his mom had a car. This period resulted in a very long period where I wasn’t online much and I wasn’t able to reach out to anyone, I don’t remember a lot that happened during this time and there is much on record to refresh my memory. I do, however, remember Costello reaching out to me to hire me to work on Filetrip and he would pay for my internet, something that seriously helped me out big time.
This is kind of where my memory gets hazier because a lot happened and I struggle to connect a lot of the timeline. I remember working hard on Filetrip and working hard to get us into a better living situation. It gets rather fuzzy because I was finally starting to struggle with my gender and sexuality, something my ex wasn’t too keen on and often felt the need to mock. This kind of abuse left me torn as to what to do and often just resulted in multiple suicide attempts because I felt like there was no escape. If I didn’t have my partner’s support, whose support would I have? Most people mocked anyone like me, coupled with being so far from home that I had no idea how I would get back home if everything fell apart and I had no lifelines. I felt trapped in my own body, I felt trapped in a relationship, I felt trapped in life and my online posting habits started to reflect that. I struggled with communicating with people because I felt like everything I said was going to be judged and I was going to need to defend myself with every post, why? Because that’s how I had to communicate with my ex, constantly defending myself. I felt like any doubt in my gender, sexuality, or other personal matters would be weaponized against me, why? Because that just wants my ex was doing to me. My life during these years was just my ex treating me like a brainless idiot, pushing people who cared about me away, and me attempting (and twice “succeeding”) to end my life. Multiple times had I suffered very public meltdowns as I struggled with an abusive relationship that was slowly tearing me from the inside. I wanted so hard to not hate myself, yet my ex and his boyfriend were destroying my life. Being forced into a poly relationship was bad enough, but having a partner who also made me doubt everything through manipulation made everything so much worse. Truth be told, I am still struggling with getting through the manipulative abuse I was put through. Suffering through a never-ending cycle of trying to understand me and having someone do everything possible to ensure that was the most difficult task for me. I honestly don’t have a lot of solid memories from these years due to substance abuse, depression, and other issues causing them to be a serious blur for me. I have a lot of blog posts, but many that I deleted since they were often written with rose-tinted glasses. I do know I came out of this with some pretty horrible mental and physical scars, my short-term memory is a bit potato at times, and I still struggle with coping with the abuse.
It’s only been in recent months did I start getting better but it was at the cost of losing damn near everything I still cared about. Despite trying to better my life and being in a better situation as of nearly 2 years ago, I was suffering from drug and alcohol addiction. This personal abuse either leaving me so high and distraught that my life both online and offline started to fall apart. A lot of this was sadly reflected in my posts on the Temp, as often my posts were reflecting my failing mental stability. I made a blog recently talking about these past two years, so I will link here, as to not repeat everything. I also made a blog talking about my gender and sexuality, which are both honestly still a mess and I am kind of ok with that because now it’s my mess. It’s only been in recent months have I cut back on my drinking to the point where last weekend was the first time I got drunk in months and I wasn’t even remotely close to as bad as I have been in the past. I haven’t touched any painkillers since moving out of my old apartment back in February of 2019. I’ve been in college (taking a break however to deal with personal issues,) and I’ve been a high honor student studying psychology and social psychology. I’ve also been on hormones since April and my mental state has been slowly becoming more stable over time. I am now living with my girlfriend in a new state and we are starting to build our new life together from here.
The past ten years have shown me a lot and although I think the Temp didn’t deserve to see a lot of what happened to me, I am happy that I stayed. It took years to get to where I am now and overcoming these struggles is something to be proud of. I met so many amazing friends on here, I’ve helped countless projects, I’ve helped so many members of the community, I’ve been everything from a hero to the villain. I didn’t join 10 years to be where I am now, but damn am I happy to able to make this blog now.
I am still lacking much in the form of art for Lilith's demon form, so here's a reaction image Casey (my girlfriend) made as a reaction to a post in my previous blog post.
Coming out day!!Oct 12, 2019
I felt like being late on purpose to make sure I didn't accidentally start another annoying trend
That being said, this has been quite the year for me. I started this year out in a rather dark place and damn near quitting everything, so I am actually quite happy that I am alive today and things got better. I started my hormones in April and the results have made a world of difference for me, especially since they are correcting the horrible hormone inbalance that we are still not sure what caused it, so I am eager to look more into that. I also finally legally changed my name to Crystal in life and also had my gender marker corrected to Female on all legal documents, including my ID, social, and birth certificate. My girlfriend and I also moved into our first apartment together and have been living quite happily together for about a month now.
As for coming out, it's rather obvious from the years that my gender and sexuality have always been a bit of a mess for me due to my history and relationships. So I either kept myself in the closet or used vague terms to describe myself because I was never really happy with anything I could say about myself. To be honest, I've started to realize that it's not really important to focus on those things and just do what happiest. I happy when I am with women (trans, cis, etc.,) I am happy with female and gender-neutral pronounces, I am FAR happier on my hormone and watching my body develop, I am happier just expressing myself as just me. Some people say this is trans, some say it's non-binary, I just say I am happy either way.
The girl behind LilithSep 22, 2019
I’ve been thinking about this blog post long before I felt the need to return but wasn’t really sure if I should make it due to just how personal and rather disturbing it was bound to be. I didn’t quit over some silly scuffle, I was annoyed by that moment but I didn’t see it as a reason to quit altogether. In fact, I was eager and excited about being active because I wanted to share my experiences I started my hormones. It was, however, that emotional moment that kind of made me realize that I wasn’t ok. I was upset over everything, I was in pain, and I needed help that I wasn’t getting and was putting off due knowing that getting that help meant coming clean about a lot of secrets that I hid from so many people. This is going to be a long one, so I’ve done what I can to make it easier to read. I am going to talk a lot about self-harm, substance abuse, sexual deviancy, toxic mindsets, toxic relationships, and just the hole I dug myself into. There is happiness in here and I am doing better, I am recovering, I am moving forward. But getting to this point damn near killed me and nearly broke me as a person.
The girl behind the mask
Let’s start off at what I was hiding after my ex left me and moved out of my apartment. I really wasn’t handling the loneliness very well, it wasn’t the lack of her but the lack of any social contact. Despite my ex’s best efforts, I really struggled to reconnect to a lot of my friends that were pushed away by my abusers. I lacked social skills because making friends was a pointless endeavor with my abusers, I felt like I lacked friends, I hated my life. Every day would just consist of me waking up, making a small meal (normally cheap ramen or something from a can,) followed by a few energy drinks, and finally enough painkillers to keep me completely numb before doing my schoolwork and heading to work. Returning from work was followed by a cheap meal, more painkillers, schoolwork, then drinking until I passed out on my couch. I hated my life, I hated myself, I wanted to feel nothing and just die. My life felt like a complete joke to me, with my suffering being the punchline. I spent 10 years of my life living in an abusive relationship, where I forced to be poly with my abuser’s boyfriend, I was regularly sexually assaulted by my abuser whenever I got blackout drunk, abused to the point where I gave up my life. After years of abuse, suicide attempts, and losing everything, I got a year of happiness. It felt like a sick fucking joke and I hated myself for not only screwing up Rhi with my toxicity but fucking up everyone and everything around me. I didn’t know how to be well, I didn’t know how not to hurt people, I didn’t know how to live a comfortable life. The only life I knew was abuse and to push people away with any means possible. I wanted to just die, not kill myself because I gave up on trying that after being successful twice and being brought back. I just wanted to fucking die alone, stop the suffering, stop hurting others, stop hurting myself, just die. I hid my pain behind drugs and alcohol, I hid by putting on the same bright happy character that I played when I was being abused, I cut everyone out that got close, and hurt those who refused to leave. After years of abuse, I knew only abuse and nothing more. I couldn’t even manage to cry back then. I never thought I would have lived like this and nor did I ever realize the mess I had turned myself into because of a few bad moves. I kept living in the same apartment where I had been abused for years. One can’t heal when living in the same place that hurts them so much. I refused to let help be effective. I was going to therapy but I was never fully honest with her and kept most of the darkness tucked away. I never talked about the fact that I was having sex with people who should have just been my friends as a means of getting drugs, alcohol, and just some kind of human connection. I didn’t tell anyone the horrible things I was doing to myself just to feel either nothing or something. I kept pretending I was recovering when I was slowly just getting worse. I just wanted so badly to be the person I was pretending to be, that I did everything to hide who I was from everyone.
The girl who tried to save me
After months of living this way, I decided in a last-ditch attempt to save myself, I needed to move out and in with my friend. I also decided it was time to reconnect with someone who tried to save me so many years ago, a girl named Casey. Casey was actually someone I met through Pokémon Go and friend of my friend Alex. She was a rather mysterious player that most battled with alongside other players or was only ever seen in our gyms (Team Instinct,) but no one really ever saw her. One night we happened to see her battling with us and she just happened to drive in front of us and we were able to follow her to the next gym. Which allowed us to meet and start talking as she followed us around to take over the rest of the town.
Later that night she added me on Facebook and messaged me with, "Not to get too personal, but are you trans? Because I am trans and would like someone to talk to." We started talking from there, I helped her some of her questions and stuff, which we really bonded on both being trans girls.
Fast forward a few months of talking and spending time together, she started noticing something was off about me and my life. She eventually was able to get me to confide in her that I was being abused and wanted out of my forced poly relationship. So she started helping me with the process of leaving those two.
A few weeks go by of her helping and the 2016 elections roll around. I messaged her that day and asked her to come over because I was lonely and scared. I wasn't so much scared of the election but scared because my abusers were literally harassing me about something and isolating me the entire time. So she came over to comfort me, which resulted in her putting her hand on my leg and patting my back when she noticed I was upset. This upset my abusers, who threatened her after I had gone to bed. A few weeks later, they took my phone while I was sleep and found my messages to her. I was forced to block her and cut her out of my life. Shortly after that, Rhi came into my life. Still feeling hurt by what happened to Casey, I set forth to never have that happen again. This allowed Rhi to break them away from me and the rest was my year-long relationship with Rhi.
The girl who started to remove her mask
It goes without repeating that my ex broke up with me which lead to a few months of me living alone. One night at work something told me to message Casey. I stopped what I was doing, unblocked her, and sent her a message asking her if she wanted to talk to me again. She eventually agreed to talk, we met in the bar next to my apartment complex and spent a few hours there. She later went to my apartment, saw that I was literally completely alone and with next to no food, and decided to help because she felt bad for me.
Months of struggling went by after that because I was alone, unable to afford my apartment, working full-time, full-time college student, and all of the already mentioned struggles. She was there helping me out and keeping me company, mostly just cooking some food for me, and or giving me someone to hold as I struggled to cope with loneliness.
When the time finally came, I moved out of my apartment and in with my friend and eventually started my hormones. A few weeks went by as small changes happened, until one night. One night I was on Facebook cleaning up all of the literal hundreds of chaser friend requests that I was getting until I found the request I got from my friend who died of breast cancer. I ended up suffering a complete mental and emotional breakdown, that was worsened from years of repression and the new hormones in my body. Coupled with the simple fact that I opted to stop with the drugs, drastically reduce my drinking, and started suffering through some pretty bad withdraws. I ended up texting Casey and told her that I was feeling extremely lonely and needed her help. She quickly came from Kentucky to my place and picked me up. She found me stumbling around the streets because I honestly just needed to leave and ended up at a church in my town that is a Gym in Pokémon Go. She picked me up and listened to me as I just melted down in her car as we were heading back to help her drunk friend, who later called me, "The Cooler Casey." From there, she took us to wandered around Cincinnati and let me compose myself, organize my thoughts, and relax a little before heading back to my place where we spent the morning cuddling on my couch and watching youtube together. That was the first time I felt anything in years and the first time I realized just how much I wanted more of her in my life. She forgave me, even though I couldn’t even forgive myself, she still forgave me for cutting her out of my life all those years ago.
After weeks of us playing with the idea of dating, she ended up taking a trip down to see her friends in Texas. Two things ended up happening while she was down there. The first, being that she didn’t have much fun and ended up really unhappy with her experiences with her friends. The second being that I ended up seriously missing her and spent most of my time talking to her more because I wasn’t quite sure what my newly found feelings were. Going from emotionally dead to completely alive overnight is a rather jarring feeling to happen to me. I ended up just spending most of my time flirting with her and spamming her with memes, eventually resulting in me asking her to go on a date via a meme, this meme to be correct
To my surprise, she actually took me up on that offer and we had our date set for when she got back from Texas. It was a lovely date where we got expensive sushi and ramen, then ventured about for the day together. We got really close and really kindled a deep love for each other that we both knew was there but were just waiting for one of us to act on those feelings. Moral of the story, I was being a useless lesbian. Now I am a happy lesbian ^-^
The girl who finally saw her home again
I am not sure how many people might remember this, but I was born and raised in the state of Massachusetts. I actually moved half-way across the country to live with my now ex-boyfriend/abuser. I hadn’t seen my family for over 9 years due to my abusers just being shit people and controlling my money. This is why the first thing I did was start planning to visit my family the second I was freed. A lot of setbacks kept preventing the trip from happening, but eventually, I was able to save up enough money to buy some tickets to travel to see my family for my own birthday. Casey helped pay for a lot of the expenses, despite not being able to go due to me having bought the tickets long before we got together and she was still struggling a bit to pay off her previous trip. She was still more than willing to help me see through with my plans and see my family again. After months of planning, saving, and going from bus to bus for nearly 24 hours, there was I, finally back home again. After 9 years, there I stood in my home town again. It felt strange remembering that I was only 19 when I left and so eager to see the world. I spent nearly two weeks up in Massachusetts and learned a lot about myself while I was there. There were some depressing realities that I had to face while I was there, but that doesn’t change the fact that I finally saw my family and friends again. I finally committed to something and saw it through. After years of living through so much, I finally realized that my suffering wasn’t the punchline. I finally realized that I could move forward and that I could accomplish so much more in life. After I left Massachusetts and returned home, Casey and I started planning on getting a place together. We both knew it was time for us to move forward together and that’s what we are doing now. We have our apartment together and we’ve started our new life in our little starter apartment. I am actually happy to be alive and eager to see what the future brings, no matter the results. I may not be completely better, but I am recovering and for once, I mean that.
The new demon girl
So I should really add an update for my character, which is to say that Lilith has been changed or reverted to her demon form. My characters were actually always one character, an unnamed shapeshifting succubus that was later named “Lilith Valentine” after her last form. I created this concept long before I even had art for her and when she was still “Crystal the Glaceon.” I came up with this idea of a regenerating character because I am a huge Doctor Who fan, but I didn’t want to make something stupid like “She’s a Time Lord!” or something like that. So instead I based her off Bible references of Satan and other demons shapeshifting, being the lazy Satanist that I am. Her design was made by Bub during a time when a Succubus character was really popular on a few sites and that design later became the official “base form” for Lilith. Now the reason I made her revert back to demon form was jokingly because she escaped from Area 51, but it’s actually because I felt the need for Lilith to reflect a different form of change. Despite still being a character, this is her true form. I felt that she needed to be more of a self-reflection of me, to be her true self and happier as a result. Even if I make her take on a different form, this is the form I need the most for me right now. This is a remake of Bub’s art done by a friend of mine on Facebook.
Bub's original design
Drawn by Casey
It’s good to be back, bitches.
No longer Lilith!Apr 1, 2019
It's time for a change! It's time I finally start my new adventure!
It's time I finally change my character!
It's time I embrace my love for Pokémon and Scottish stuff!
It's time I change to the best Pokégirl!
I am no longer Lilith! I am now Definitely not Lilith!
(All art belongs to CaptainHanyuu)