Welcome to the personal blog of Defiance

  • Defiance

    9 Years (kinda) on the Temp!

    Don't have much to say.. I didn't think was gonna make it this far. Wasn't the world gonna end in 2012??

    All in all, a lot has changed since 2007.
    (I also totally forgot I made previous blog posts.. yikes! (forever weird..))
    Chary likes this.
  • Defiance

    Thoughts on Life, College, Summer..

    Several things I've wanted to talk about, but I haven't.

    Around this time last year, I was an incoming freshman at a state university, worried about my college choice. I had graduated from a relatively small high school (~140 students in my class), and I can't say that I really enjoyed it. It was, more or less, the same thing every day, with the same people. Not saying that this is inherently a bad structure, but I never really felt as though I connected with anybody. I mean, I got along with pretty much everyone, but I could never really find a way to make it more meaningful. I think part of the reason for this is that I've always been on the introverted side up until the end of my sophomore/beginning of junior year. However, I was never really as outgoing as I would have liked to be, and I think this was mostly due to fact that.. well, I already knew everybody, and they knew me. It's hard to change who you are around people whom you have already known because you're already familiar with interacting with them in that fashion. That's not to say that there wasn't any visible evidence of me becoming more extroverted: I did participate more toward the end of my HS career, teachers began to know me better, and I did help establish better friendships between me and others... But it just wasn't enough. I wanted people whom I could hang out with and not feel like a side-liner. What I've noticed now, though, was that people are happy with their close groups of friends, and a lot of them don't care too much to expand it because of that. I thought that maybe I really was still an introvert (not that this would be a bad thing, it just wouldn't be who I wanted to be).

    Enter college, and things changed completely. I've made the most wonderful friends, I've had intellectually stimulating classes, and everybody there is just more mature. Hell, I guess in an unconscious effort to make me forget about high school, I have even had people call me by a different variant of my first name. I have gotten to know people in ways that I would not have thought practical for me to do beforehand, yet then became suddenly rather comfortable. For instance, if I went to the dining hall by myself, I would often just sit next to a random person and strike up a conversation. If I was walking to a class (which can sometimes take up to 20 minutes to get there), and I happened to be walking with another person whom I knew was in the class, yet I didn't know all that well -- then I would talk with that person on the way there. In general, if I was doing something and I ran into people I recognized, I would be make sure to say hello. Even my RA saw this and offered for me to become the resident hall senator, which I declined (and still regret doing so to this day, but that's beside the point). I had changed and wasn't able to express myself until I left my hometown, and I've never been so happy in my life.

    Now, back home for the summer, but now it feels like I've taken a giant step backwards. I went from being productive almost nonstop during the week to having nearly nothing to do. I hate the feeling of getting nowhere each passing day, and I hate even more that I don't know how to fix it other than waiting for the next semester to begin. Anyway, I applied to an internship earlier this year, as well as 12 other jobs when I got back home for the summer, but I obviously got nothing back.. I always feel a bit of envy when people talk about how they "have" to work every day during the week; I would gladly take their spots. At the same time, I get mad at myself because I should not be feeling envy, I should feel happy for them. I am also upset with myself because I can't make myself be "true" when I am at my hometown; I am still the shy person who I was several years ago, and I am less productive because of it. Still, I am very grateful to have my parents who support me, for I wouldn't be able to go to college and be myself and make such progress in my life if it were not for them. And then this makes me feel sorry out there for those who are not as lucky as I am, but have still gone through changes in a similar fashion as I have.. I know it's hard living every day, trying to make changes to life, but being unable to because society has you trapped where you were in your past -- because that's how I've been living this summer and for several years before I entered college. With all of that said, I still wish I had a job, not only to be busy and not feel as I feel right now, but, even more importantly, to also to be more independent. Even though I am grateful that I have people to support me, I just don't like the thought that, at any given moment, my life is in their jeopardy. Now, these are great people, I'm not trying to suggest that they would do anything awful like that. I just hate the feeling of knowing that I am powerless if certain people decide that they no longer support what I am doing and where I am going in life... I think this is mostly the fault of the US education system, but that's a whole other topic.

    What I'm basically getting at is that a lot has gone on inside my head these past few years, but people whom I've known for while will still interact with me as they are used to interacting with me; and I do the same back to them, subconsciously, in order to maintain familiarity. I think that this makes it very difficult to address the quiet, desperate feelings I have of wanting to achieve something.. And I don't think I'm alone.

    Another topic: I wish I could find a clear direction to follow in my life. Right now, as you partly know, I am an incoming second-year chemical engineer at a state university. One of the hardest questions I am asked is one of those "where do you see yourself in X years?" Well, my interests are large, maybe even too large, in fact. I don't know exactly how this came to be, but within the past few years, I've decided (or at least would like to believe) that my number one priority is to help others. Yes, it's rather nondescript, and it certainly won't be how I word anything in any of my future essays. But it's the simple truth. Now, I normally don't tell people this because I worry that it might make people think that I'm implying that my beliefs are better than theirs because I place other people as my absolute priority, but that is not the case at all. I'm not religious in any traditional sense (I don't consider myself religious), and I don't think that I'm going to go to some special place when I die because I want to assist others; rather, I just think it's the right thing to do (and I even tend to not to tell other people because I don't want them to think that I believe my religious preferences are better than theirs.. I respect all religions/non-religions, and I don't think one is better than another). It's not that I necessarily wish to be friends with everybody; I know that is simply impossible and unfavorable, as Bill Cosby once said. Rather, I just want to connect with those I can and try to make their lives better.

    Anyway, like I just said earlier, I may not know what I exactly want to do, but I do know what I don't want to do. A little over a year ago, I shadowed an Aerospace Engineer, and while he was a really cool and smart guy and showed me a lot of neat things, I just couldn't imagine myself working like he does in a cubicle. I would just go home every day, usually after 8 hours, feeling like I wasted part of my life. Now, I'm sure it feels different once one is actually doing work (most of the time we spent that wasn't touring the place was in his cubicle, and we mostly just kind of sat there haha), but the whole place just didn't feel right for me to work there.. We were mostly in isolation, and I love meeting and getting to know people. I'm not meant to sit by myself for 90% of the day. The place I shadowed, by the way, was at a NASA research center, and I've always been fascinated with space. So if not even that place can intrigue me.. Well, then maybe I'm heading down the wrong road. On another note, I get annoyed when people say that you have "plenty of time" to decide what you want to do.. While it could be a true statement to an extent, most of the time I see it as an implication that we don't have to think about the future, but I believe the future should be highly anticipated.

    I think it would be wonderful to work somewhere where I would never want to retire. I want to be that 90-year-old that the company can't get rid of. I've noticed that how I will like a place partly depends on what I do (which is obvious), but also heavily dependent on whom I work with. If I could be surrounded by life and not drones just looking for a paycheck, I think I and everybody else will be much happier. But, similar to what I've been getting at earlier, I have trouble creating initiative -- if people aren't looking to improve, then I can't help a situation; but if they are, then I might be able to do something. I guess this is similar to how I am more outgoing and productive in college; people are seeking change.

    But these are just my thoughts.. Maybe I just have unrealistic expectations for the future, but I definitely want to try and make it happen, whatever it may be.
  • Defiance

    A little fustrated lately..

    ..With things in general, basically. I don't know where to start, so I'll just write what comes to mind.

    -I still don't have a job, but I feel there's no point in looking for one now because I move into school in about a month's time.. I used to have a job at the library but I quit it at the beginning of my senior year (September 2011) to focus more on school-related work and activities, and now I kind of regret that. I'm also not really doing a whole lot of fun summer activities with other people. I just wish I could spend my time being more productive. My favorite motto is probably: "work hard, rest hard," but right now I feel like I'm doing neither.

    -I don't feel confident that my current college major is right for me. I'm majoring in a field called Engineering Physics, and I plan (or have been planning, rather,) to be some sort of scientist (I definitely want to go to grad school). It's just annoying for me, because when I tell people my major, they think, "Oh, it's engineering!" and I'm like, "No, it's a science degree with an engineering background."
    And I don't even know if that's what I want to do with my life, anyway.. I want to do something enjoyable, to have a job where I feel guilty when receiving a paycheck.. At the same time, though, I want to leave a legacy behind, do something so amazing in life that people will remember me...

    -I also don't feel very confident that I picked the right university to attend.. I'm going to The Ohio State University, and let me just say that I don't really care at all for football. I do, however, care about making friends, because to me that's like basically the most important thing about college (and maybe life as well). I'll go to the games so that I can hang out with people, but I probably won't care too much for the games themselves. Another thing is that this university is kind of known for it's parties.. Like a said earlier, I love to socialize, but I simply don't drink or smoke. I don't have anything against people who do (to an extent, anyway,) but it's just something that I've never felt the need to do.

    -I love my parents and all, but sometimes I just get annoyed. My mom has almost no respect for my privacy. Example: I was writing thank-you letters for several people who gave me gifts at my graduation party, and she read through all of them and even critiqued them without me knowing until after she did so... Not that I wrote anything I didn't want her to see, but it's just a little aggravating for me when things like this happen.
    My dad, on the other hand, is basically a really boring person. He can crack a couple jokes here and there, but he has like no personality. He's an engineer, and a very smart person, but when I see myself going into an engineering field (I know I said earlier it's a science field, but technically speaking the degree is earned via the College of Engineering at my school), I get scared that I will lose social skills. Yes, I know it's funny to some and maybe a bad stereotype, but honestly, pretty much all engineers I've met just aren't.. adventurous and outgoing. I even shadowed an aerospace engineer who has his Ph.D and works for NASA, and even though he's a brilliant man, his personality is just.. 'meh,' for lack of better words.
    Personally, I want to be the life of a group.. I want to be a leader. I don't want to spend 8 hours a day in a cubicle starring at a computer screen. I want to be, or at least contribute to, the life of a party; and I want to be known by people. I feel as though I don't want to be the best engineering or scientist that I can be (if that is what I want to do); rather, I want to be the best person that I can be. Is that a bad thing, to want to leave behind an impression for current and future generations? Or am I just trying to gain popularity for no real legitimate reason?
    I just feel so much happier when I'm around people who are outgoing.. I wish I could be like them, to always have something to say or a story to share. But in order to have a story I need to live a little more, and maybe that's where my main frustration comes from: I don't know exactly how to change who I am to make myself a better person.

    But maybe my expectations are just too high. Don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful for everything I have.. It's just that I see this life as the only one I have, that we are all dying, one day at a time. And if I'm missing opportunities and not taking advantage of every situation of every day, I feel as though I'm not living life to its full.
  • Defiance

    I need to find ways to live

    Warning: The words below are basically a disorganized mess.

    Climb a mountain.. Learn to fly a plane.. Go very far up north, such as Northern Alaska, and view the northern lights.. But probably the most important one is to find people with the desire to live, such as I. I want to be doing things with friends, but no one whom I know seems to be interested in the kinds of things I am.

    I think part of it has to do with people thinking of me as I once was 2-3 years ago, maybe even further. If only I knew the things I know now several years ago! When I was a freshman in high school, I got good grades, but I never really pushed myself as I ought to have. Of course, after having the attitude of, "Oh shit, this is my only life, I need to make the most of it!", my grades improved. Had I known to do that from the start, I would have over a 4.2 GPA right now instead of my 'meh' cumulative from freshman/some of sophomore years bringing it down (average then for me was ~3.7 GPA). I don't think most people have the right idea how important I consider education. I would love to go to a school as rigorous as MIT, Northwestern, or even, dare I say, an Ivy league.. But no one told me that I should be a leader! No one told me to make clubs (or even join clubs, for the most part), nor to never let a day go by unaccomplished! I want to go into physics, but I also want to do so much more (see second paragraph). Nobody told me to push myself.. At least, no one stressed it as much as they could have!

    And now you probably think that I am complaining about other people when I am at fault. Well, I am at fault for not doing the things I believe I should have done by now. But I notice that people in general just don't think to live! They are satisfied with the "quiet" life. (Man, I tell you, I could never work in a nature center! So boring!) That, or people just don't see me as the lively type, so they don't don't associate their endeavors with me. Understandable, for I probably wouldn't approach a seemingly somewhat introvert and invite him/her to go mountain climbing.

    Well, there's me attempting to spill my thoughts. This is why I don't often make blog topics! :P
  • Defiance

    My new "Excellent" Avatar

    Thought we needed some more excellence in this place, so I decided to spice things up.


    That is all.

    Inspired from ashens. :ph34r:
  • Defiance

    Websites can read your mind now!

    Check out what I found..


    Creepy, huh? :O

    If you understand how it works, don't spoil it for other people. ;)