Welcome to the personal blog of brickmii82

  • brickmii82

    Chasing and Racing

    Feeling cute, might blog later idk ...

    Ok its later.

    I got a job offer at the beginning of this year that I took because I was just kind of stagnant. I wanted to go back to school, but I decided to put that off a bit because I felt without purpose. Things have been going well, and while I am very successful and feel accomplishment, I still feel like its nothing more than a means to an end. I suppose I still feel like my true purpose in life lies elsewhere.

    I work in an automotive repair facility. I was a mechanic for 15 years and now I'm up front in sales and administration. My last job in the field was very stressful and overbearing as I was a Foreman/Manager, however this one is simply a Service Adviser role. It can be quite enjoyable as my job is basically to talk cars with people, but again, I just feel like I am meant to be doing something else. I don't mind what I do at all, but I feel like something is missing. Something more fulfilling.

    I've considered engineering, journalism, freelance writing, micro-electronics repair, A/V production, and various other avenues of work. TBH, I kinda want to do them all. I like learning new things and feeling exhilarated about it. It's quite nice to experience new things and accomplishments. Hell, even failures are enjoyable for me.

    This is where I'm a bit rudderless. The means to an end, isn't really going to bring me to the end. It will bring me to the beginning. Philosophically, I guess there is no end. I want to keep growing and experiencing that which interests and fascinates me. I suppose you could say I'm fine with long term goals, and I'm headed where I want to be, but how long can I sustain it without short term goals that will allow me to feed my curious side? You need to feed that which you wish to keep alive.

    What's wrong with wanting it all? Why can't I have my cake and eat it too? They say that life is full of sacrifices, but ... fuck that. I'm worth it. I deserve it. I'll work for it til its all mine. I've made up my mind. You can't stop me. They can't stop me. Every door you put in my face I kicked open. Every mountain you put in my path I've climbed over.

    I. Will. Not. Lose

    Not hope,

    Not focus,

    Not determination

    They will take nothing

    I will take it all and there is nothing anyone can do about it

    Maybe I don't need a specific direction. Maybe just keep making sure I'm Northbound and stay determined. Maybe the sacrifice isn't losing something(s) along the way, but rather the fact that you can only make the journey of life once, so the sacrifice is time. Enjoy the sacrifice. Enjoy the journey. Enjoy the time. Enjoy the end.
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  • brickmii82

    A little anecdote about reaching for the stars ...

    There was a boy who saw the moon for the first time and decided he wanted to touch it. He couldn't fly, he wasn't particularly athletic either.
    He decided he'd jump up and touch it.
    First he jumped over big rocks, then he jumped over houses, and then he was jumping over trees. At this point he was a man, but he did not give up.
    He began jumping town to town, over mountains and hills
    He jumped every day until he died and never touched the moon
    Afterwards God asked him how he enjoyed his life and he was disappointed with never touching the moon. "I'm a failure" he said.
    God replied, Did you see my trees? "Yes" the man replied.
    "Did you see my mountains?" The man answered "yes"
    "Did you see my moon?"
    "Yes" the man answered yet again
    God told the man, "The life I gave you was about the journey, not the destination.
    You saw my creation and did your best. You saw hills and houses, trees and mountains, rivers and streams that no other man has seen.
    You saw my sky at eye level. That is not failure."
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  • brickmii82

    Lyric Focus - Unsteady/X Ambassadors

    Hold, hold on, hold on to me,
    Cuz I'm a little unsteady
    A little unsteady
    Hold, hold on, hold on to me,
    Cuz I'm a little unsteady
    A little unsteady

    Mama, come here
    Approach, appear
    Daddy, I'm alone
    Cuz this house don't feel like home

    If you love me,
    Don't let go
    If you love me,
    Don't let go

    Hold, hold on, hold on to me,
    Cuz I'm a little unsteady
    A little unsteady
    Hold, hold on, hold on to me,
    Cuz I'm a little unsteady
    A little unsteady

    Mother, I know
    That you're tired of bein alone
    Dad I know you're tryin,
    To fight when you feel like flyin

    But if you love me,
    Don't let go
    If you love me,
    Don't let go

    Hold, hold on, hold on to me,
    Cuz I'm a little unsteady
    A little unsteady

    I don't think this song is "subject to interpretation." It's quite clear that it's written from the perspective of a child witnessing the failing of their parents relationship. They feel "unsteady" due to the changes occurring in their circumstances, and things don't feel right. They wish heavily to be held by their parents, as this was the foundation of their security and environmental awareness. With the dissolution of the relationship, their world is shattered. This is a desperate plea to continue to attempt to work things out. While the writer acknowledges flaws in the relationship, they still continue their appeal for a resolution that keeps the family together.

    I have to say that this song hits hard for me. My divorce was 3 years ago and I still feel like a failure as a parent and a man. Things happen, and are spoken about, (and by) involving my children that leave me wondering "what if we were still together?" While I know that it was for the best, and that you can't butter burnt toast, I still have a weight in my heart that just never seems to leave. While I can tell myself that "one day they'll understand," I hope they never have to. It's a terrible burden and I suppose I hope that they'll never have to experience the pain of a family dissolving again. Out of everything that the split with my ex-wife brought, this is the one thing I don't think I've ever really come to terms with. Frankly, it hurts like hell sometimes. How could I have inflicted this pain on the people that matter most to me?

    Anyways. thanks for reading, comments and opinions are appreciated, and stay loving folks. Peace ...
  • brickmii82

    Pool Party

    I lived in a apartment building that was 3 stories and had a 12 ft deep pool when I was 14. The pool was right next to the building also. Some friends and I got on the roof and jumped in a few times one night. We ran back to my apartment and thought we were good. About a half hour later the cops came knocking, along with the building manager. They said they knew we were there at the pool and baited us. They asked who was jumping off the roof and we said it was 2 Mexican guys. Unfortunately, the only water tracks were ours, and they led right to our door. Whoops.

    The cops just wanted to fuck with us. The manager banned me from the pool for life though. Her son was one of my best friends too, and she never let me live that down. Just sharing a story from my meaningless existence. Thanks for reading and keep loving.
  • brickmii82

    Lyric Focus - The Unforgiven/Metallica

    I had an idea to start doing a lyric focus discussion about songs that seem to have some deeper meaning other than pure entertainment value. I find that we often hear things, but we don't actually listen past the fact that it's pleasing to the ears. So, with this in mind I present todays topic of discussion, The Unforgiven by Metallica.

    New blood joins this earth,
    And quickly he's subdued.
    Through constant pained disgrace,
    The young boy learns their rules.
    With time the child draws in.
    This whipping boy done wrong.
    Deprived of all his thoughts,
    The young man struggles on and on he's known.
    A vow unto his own,
    That never from this day,
    His will they'll take away.

    What I've felt,
    What I've known
    Never shined through in what I've shown.
    Never be. Never see.
    Won't see what might have been.
    What I've felt,
    What I've known
    Never shined through in what I've shown.
    Never free. Never me.
    So I dub thee unforgiven.

    They dedicate their lives
    To running all of his.
    He tries to please them all
    This bitter man he is.
    Throughout his life the same
    He's battled constantly.
    This fight he cannot win
    A tired man they see no longer cares.
    The old man then prepares
    To die regretfully
    That old man here is me.

    What I've felt,
    What I've known
    Never shined through in what I've shown.
    Never be. Never see.
    Won't see what might have been.
    What I've felt,
    What I've known
    Never shined through in what I've shown.
    Never free. Never me.
    So I dub thee unforgiven

    I believe the song is about abusive parents. The first verse, we find is very descriptive of an environment in which a child is "subdued" through humiliation and scapegoating. He is stripped of the very thoughts they develop of individuality and there is an attempted indoctrination of becoming subservient to the authoritative figures, ie parents. Because of this abuse, the child becomes withdrawn and a spirit of rebellion is developed. In turn, the child decides that they will never take away his will/drive. This essentially means he will never give up his anger at the measures of control used against him.

    In the second verse, we find that he has somewhat given up his fight against the abusive authority over him. They have dedicated themselves to controlling every aspect of his life, and he is now attempting to appease his abusers to which they are (assumedly) never pleased. This leads to the boy/man becoming bitter, because it appears that nothing will ever change. The cycle cannot be broken, he is angry and resentful, and is now consigning himself to the fact he cannot change it and it is not worth trying to. So he "no longer cares." The singer also admits at this point that this bitter old man is him. It is quite the powerful disclosure.

    In the chorus, the feelings, thoughts, and results of this abuse surface. All of this abuse has left the victim feeling invalidated about his feelings, thoughts, and accomplishments. He never felt like he meant anything to the authority over him and now, he labels them "unforgiven." He has been controlled by pain so thoroughly that he cannot forgive them. He became truly trapped, by assuming that his anger was his will, that he dwelled in it until it became a part of his very essence. His abusers have passed on so his chance at redemption and escape has left with them. He will never have the opportunity to confront and disclose his truth to them, and he is their victim forever.

    Thanks for reading! Please comment your thoughts and opinions below!

    Oh yeah, heres the video if you wanna watch/listen ...
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  • brickmii82

    Getting older sucks.

    I'll be 36 in a couple months. 30 ... plus fucking 6. Honestly, I didn't expect to make it this long. I did a bunch of dumb shit I look back on, drugs, mischief, philandering. I feel like a clone of Mick Jagger. Getting older means things tire you out more quickly, you seem to get annoyed more easily, and shit starts shifting around. Wasn't puberty supposed to be the end of that shit? It's like your body says "Watch me assume my 2nd final form bitch" and you just watch and feel the effects of it.

    I guess I shouldn't bitch. Again, I made it to 36. Well, almost. Got some stuff that popped up health-wise, but it's all being taken care of. Quit smoking, took up learning some new hobbies, and I want to get back into school. Relationships now seem more of a burden than a blessing. I mean I like meeting new people, and getting laid is great, but ... The juice isn't worth the squeeze in most cases. Loyalty and trust are disappearing commodities in this era of views, likes, retweets, comments, and trolls.

    I don't really feel old inside though. I still love my games, I jump-scare the shit out of my kids on a weekly basis, we ride the hoverboard and bikes together, and we watch anime and cartoons together. It's not like an obligation in my mind though. It's more like a great excuse to not grow up. Work is always work, though I'm out til the end of July for the previously mentioned health problems. I'm supporting myself and my family through my savings and investments, with a bit of freelance gaming hardware work, and it's not too bad. Just live a little more meagerly, but with all this free time I've gotten a lot of interaction and engagement in with my minions. It's been nice.

    Hopefully I can make it another 36. I'm not quite ready to check out of reality. At least this one. Maybe I can tolerate another 30. Depends on how much farther down the proverbial social rabbit hole humanity goes. I wish I could say for certain that when I do finally eat dirt for the last time, I'll leave this world better than I came into it. Not sure that'll be the case anymore. Anyways, thx for the read, keep your chins up, fight for what you love, and peace!!

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  • brickmii82

    I like being alone.

    How do you feel about being alone? I've become quite fond of it lately. I enjoy the peace and quiet of being left to my own devices. In the past, I wanted company most of the time but something has changed over the past year or so. I've noticed recently that my desire to have any form of companionship, either friendly or romantic, has dwindled down dramatically. I enjoy the company of my family, old friends, and I do enjoy meeting new people. But, I'm not feeling a strong desire for it. I could be just as well alone. I'm not sure why. It's a level of comfort I'm still getting accustomed to. The stability is nice. I don't feel like I'm vying for attention from people. Sometimes I would feel that way when trying to spend time with people who were busy all of the time. Now, I guess I just don't give a shit. Come around, invite me over.... or not. It makes no difference to me now. I'm perfectly content by myself. Thanks for reading, have a nice day/night and keep your heads up.
  • brickmii82


    Life can be such a pain in the ass. From the moment you're born, I suppose complacency is something you tend to want inherently. You get comfortable and things are just what you want, then change happens. Change. It's like a blessing and a curse. Sometimes its for the better, and others, for the worse. One thing is for sure, it's inevitable. You really can't exercise much control over it. The world changes, your life changes, the people around you change, you yourself, whether you want to or not, change.

    Over time I've dealt with this in different ways. Some ways are productive and others not so much. Fear seems to be a common factor in witnessing and/or being a part of change though. I guess it's natural to be afraid of change. It takes away that complacency you develop, so that comfort factor is stripped away from you. There's often excitement as well, so I suppose that's a positive. It's still quite daunting most of the time when it happens. You really have only 2 choices though. Accept it, or don't.

    I think this is where the toughest aspect of change happens. It's a two-fold problem. First, you have to decide if you accept the change or not. Will you go with the flow or will you fight. Is it worth fighting for/over? Second, you have to figure out and deal with the consequences of that choice you've made. Some want that change and others do not. Even when it's confined to a change(or not) of yourself, like a lifestyle change, boob job, or a career change, others will act differently. They'll make those choices themselves over the change you yourself just engaged and accepted/not accepted. It's a rotating conundrum of existentialism.

    Why am I writing about this? To be honest and frank, I have no fucking clue. I just finished up with a psychiatrist appointment and they want me to blog more so here I am. It's on my mind so I'm writing about it. Post thoughts if you want, or don't. I posted mine so now I'm going back to playing some Cuphead with my son. Enjoy your day/night.
  • brickmii82


    There was a time in my childhood where I had no power in my house for around 3 months. It's a complicated situation to explain, but that's neither here nor there. All I had was a candle and a stack of comic books. I'd read about Uncle Ben dying and Spiderman realizing he had the power to stop it. I'd read about Magneto aggressively fighting for mutant rights, and Professor X passively advocating for them. I'd read about Superman deciding if he should come out of retirement after mankind pushed him away in favor of vigilante justice. It was fantastic and the stories were powerful enough to leave a lasting impression on my views philosophically even today, almost 25 years later.

    I look at the world, and where it is today, and I'm confused. In the past, it was always good vs bad, heroes vs villains, right vs wrong. Morality, nobility, chivalry, these were all things that were just expected and accepted. These days, I feel like the lines are blurred. It's exacerbated by the fact that as soon as we open up our email, unlock our phone, or turn on the TV we're bombarded with "this is right." I suppose it's always been that way, but I think the difference is that now you have it in your face 24/7. Alas, when I get confused, I feel the best thing is to go back to basics. Find your starting point and try again.

    For me, this starting point morally is from superheroes. My father wasn't around. My mother worked 2 jobs. So I had superheroes. But what makes a superhero, a Superhero? Is it morality? Is it justice? Is it doing things for the greater good? At what point do they cross the line? When do the good become the bad?

    "With great power comes greater responsibility."

    This was told to Spiderman by his Uncle Ben shortly before he was murdered. Spiderman scoffed at his uncle. His uncle just didn't understand. He had the power to do things his way and the ends justified the means. Shortly after he let past a crook he saw stealing money from a man he didn't like, this crook murdered his uncle. This left a lasting impression on him. Although the man who was stolen from was a jerk, he still realized that if he had used his power, his uncle would still be alive. This cause/effect rationale would be the foundation of what we know Spiderman as today, our Friendly Neighborhood @BORTZ erm....Spiderman.

    With great power comes greater responsibility......How often do you think those in power reflect that statement? To avoid getting political, Harvey Weinstein comes to mind. Everyone knew and no one stood up. No one said they'll risk throwing it all away to save one woman...... or all of them....

    Moving on, lets look at events unfolded in Captain America's Civil War storyline. While the movie touched on the general notions of the books, it didn't quite grind into the philosophical aspects of it. On one hand, you had Captain America advocating for an individuals rights to remain separate from the government based on individual sovereignty. On the other side you had Iron Man advocating for a superhuman registration program to document and log all known super-powered individuals and their identities to help avoid future catastrophes. This is a moral dilemma. How do you decide between that? They're both heroic in nature, and quite adept at displaying the qualities mentioned above, but here they just don't see eye to eye, and I can't say I could 100% pick a side. I lean towards individuality and sovereignty, but safety is important too.

    In the end I think what makes a superhero a Superhero, isn't any of the qualities above. It's simply the "Hero" part combined with out of this world abilities. We see heroes everyday and we take them for granted. Our teachers that care enough to stay late to help you grasp a subject, our parents that love us enough to go work in a personal hell, our friends that'll be there for us through thick and thin no matter what people say. These people make those choices and take those actions everyday. It's intrinsic to their character. Alas my friends, we can all be a hero to somebody....maybe even a Superhero in some cases.
  • brickmii82

    Where you going boy.....

    I was sitting in my room, listening to music on my playlist and a suggested song started playing I hadn't heard in a very long time.
    I began thinking about the lyrics which I hadnt thought about in a very long time.
    I realized that much time had passed since the song had originally released, and my level of relation to them had increased.
    I always enjoyed it, and I suppose I felt the musical conveyance of the message, but I never really took it seriously as I just couldnt see how it was a potential reality.
    Queue in my recent Fallout 4 binge. I've been playing it immersively for a couple weeks now.
    As I traveled The Glowing Sea, that same ominous feeling came over me.
    I thought, "could we do this?. Would we go this far?"
    I never really thought that mankind would destroy itself.
    We've had a history of violence and bloodshed, but our positives equal our negatives.
    For every era of war, there's also era's of peace and prosperity.
    Every drop of blood shed in violence, there's one shed in hard work.
    Every sad parent's tear for losing a child, there's one for a parent whose was saved.
    It honestly feels overwhelming right now.
    Random shootings, bombs, invasions, tense political atmospheres, "be right at all cost" attitudes....
    I have children and I'm afraid. The world can have me. I'm garbage. Tainted and corrupted. But them...
    They're innocent. They dont know how harsh life is. They still glow with unending, unshakeable hope.
    I at least I had the chance to keep it. Will they have that same chance?
    Anyways, this is nothing more than a sound off about how I'm feeling lately with all of the madness I see.
    And the song? Here you go.....
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  • brickmii82

    Something motivational

    I wanted to drop in and just remind everyone that no matter what challenges you’re facing, you can always keep hope. I truly believe that with a little faith in yourself, some realistic timelines and goals, and A LOT of hard work, anything is possible.

    We all seem to encounter these challenges at the worst possible times. We stress, we worry, we breakdown, we cry, we struggle, we blame others and circumstances, we give up....

    Fuck that. I’m a fighter. You are too. We don’t quit. We may need time-outs to gather ourselves, but we don’t fucking quit. We’ll scratch and claw our way to our goals. We’ll cut the dead weight loose and move on. We’ll let go of the baggage that’s slowing us down. We’ll knock on all of those doors until someone fucking answers and hears us. But....
    We. Will. Not. Quit.

    “It’s about how much you can take, and keep movin forward”

    “On our darkest day, when we’re miles away, the sun will come we will find our way home.”
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  • brickmii82

    Got some stuff for sale...

    1. An axe with a bit of reddish brown paint on it, kinda splatter arted.
    2. A potato sack the paint got on as well.
    3. A jumbo 3 pack of duck tape minus 1 roll.
    4. A taser.
    5. A half used bag of cement.
    6. A box of roof shingles.

    HMU, used only once!
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  • brickmii82

    Share a poem.

    I enjoy poetry. From my introduction to Shel Silverstein in my elementary days, it's always given me inspiration and enjoyment. I write a bit myself now and again, so I wanted to share my work here and invite others to share as well. It doesn't have to be your work, but share a poem you enjoy!

    I am a dreamer, I dream the dreams,

    This world can be cruel as it's not what it seems.

    We fly on planes and travel in car,

    Yet people we're close to can seem very far.

    I dream of the mountain I dream of the beach,

    I aim for the stars though they're out of my reach.

    I strive to achieve my life's ambition,

    I find good strength in all competition.

    We move forward in life as we haven't a choice,

    But I am a dreamer and dreams are my voice.

    I will speak these dreams and let them be loud,

    For I am a dreamer for that I am proud.

    Please dream for yourself of horizons not seen,

    Don't ever forget life begins with a dream.

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  • brickmii82

    My friend Paul Horner

    My good friend Paul Horner has just passed away. He became a bit of a celebrity due to his hoax stories, and was certainly one of the "fake news" pioneers. We lost touch for a bit, but around a year ago we began talking again. I was supposed to go see his monthly comedy show in downtown Phoenix at some point but I put it off for too long. I'm too late....

    You like this.
  • brickmii82

    What defines you?

    As we move through our lives, we experience things that change our perspectives on ourselves, our environments, our friends, loved ones, and especially our feelings. Genetics certainly play a role in this, however it seems evident that humankind is dynamically adaptive. This is exemplified through social interactions. Whether in person or online, we tend to adapt to our social surroundings to fill needs within ourselves, whether mental, emotional, spiritual, and in some cases, physical.

    How we define ourselves is a core to our character and mentality. Some define themselves as loving, some angry, some free, some disciplined, some outgoing, some introverted, the list goes on and on. Obviously we're quite complex so you can have multiple defining qualities and traits, but what are your most cherished and important? What are your most noticeable? What makes you.... you?

    For me, I'd say that I'm loving but temperamental, trusting but watchful, loyal, honest, and dedicated. As for noticeable, I'm a goof-off. If you meet me in person I'll try and squeeze a smile and/or laugh out of you. I like seeing others happy because it makes me feel good as well.

    How about you?
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