GBAtemp Exclusive Hate Train #1 - The Great Nintendo Switcheroo

Discussion in 'GBAtemp & Scene News' started by Foxi4, Dec 6, 2016.

  1. Foxi4
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    Foxi4 On the hunt...

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    WARNING!

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    The following article contains offensive language unsuitable for minors and weak-minded crybaby manchildren - proceed at your own risk! You have been forewarned, I will not be held responsible for any cases of butt-blasting that may occur.

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    Before I became a part of the Mag Staff, I used to be quite a disagreeable member of the forums. I would use the word “abrasive”, but no amount of sandpaper can describe the amount of rage, toxin and vitriol that flows through my veins every single day and keeps the steam engine of hate that is my personality going. I’m the local Prince of Hate, and I’ll happily wear that title as a badge of honour. Needless to say, my new position required me to curb some of my unique… “qualities” in order to maintain the friendly atmosphere on the Temp. As you might imagine, I’ve been bottling up my poisonous comments, storing them for when the time comes, and that time is now, because I’ve ran out of bottles. I’m a little older, a little wiser and I give even less of a fuck than before, so get your seatbelts buckled up, ‘cause I’m taking you on a ride!

    Welcome to GBATemp’s Hate Train, a brand-new segment where I can finally do what I do best – explain in excruciating detail why everyone’s an idiot except for me. Now that I’ve explained what this jig is all about while simultaneously jerking myself off, it’s time to serve up my first steaming bucket of bile, and it’s all about our favourite game developer Nintendo, so open your hatch wide, because I’m planning to ram a torpedo of truth straight down your throat.


    Nintendo, oh Nintendo. Few companies are as beloved as our dear Nintendo. One could say many things about the company, but perhaps the most accurate description of their operation is that they’re absolute masters at marketing. By that I mean that they’re masters at convincing people to buy things they probably already own for the money they could probably spend on something better. This isn’t a new development, of course – between the eight billion iterations of the DS and the 3DS which, for all intents and purposes, do the exact same thing and their long-term con of selling the same half-game twice, thrice, or even four times they endearingly call “Pokemon”, Nintendo has a long history of scamming their customers. Ever heard of Amiibo? Good, here's five different versions of the exact same figurine that do the exact same thing - fork over the cash, idiot. What makes them unique is that their customers absolutely love every bit of it, which is a perfect explanation as to why we still haven’t established First Contact. I’m willing to bet that any advanced alien civilization capable of interstellar travel turned right the fuck around when they saw millions of braindead dullards queuing outside a video game store for the exact same video game they bought last year with some minor tweaks, genuinely tackling the dilemma of deciding whether they want the one with blue or the red box art. What *is* new is Nintendo’s recently-announced video game system, the Nintendo Switch.

    Immediately after it was announced everybody lost their fucking mind. Just like everybody else I watched the teaser, and just like everybody else, I felt a glimmer of hope somewhere deep down, in the bowels of my black heart... I think. It might've been just gas in my actual bowel, I wouldn’t know – I haven’t felt hope in the longest time, I’m dead inside. In any case, Nintendo is releasing a brand-new home console capable of running triple-A titles, and one that you can *take outside*? Mind blown, Christmas came early this year, our bodies are ready! It looks sleek, it looks modern, it has detachable controls, it has third-party developer support, what could *possibly* go wrong? It’s the perfect storm, I’m all-in, I’m cashing all my chips, I’m on board. Sure, the video was a little cringeworthy and nobody involved looked even remotely like the target audience for the Switch, the target audience being sweaty manchildren with severe acne, but all things considered the system looked competent for a change. Nintendo Switch, a system that combines the processing power of Nvidia and the engineering genius of Nintendo, what else could you possibly want? It felt like Nintendo’s hardware used to be – modern, up-to-date. What’s the word? Ah, yes, relevant.

    I didn’t give the system much thought since – after all, it won’t be out until March, so who cares? Well, I was sitting on my porcelain throne the other day, my sanctuary, where I do most of my good thinking, and I thought back to the Switch… and something dawned upon me. A sudden realization that made me think so much less of all of you numbskulls who are excited for Nintendo's new excuse for a console. Oh Nintendo, my precious Nintendo, you’ve done it again, you magnificent bastards, and nobody’s any wiser. You’ve made *a tablet with a detachable controller and an HDMI Out* seem like the most innovative thing since the invention of the goddamn wheel. You shifty motherfuckers played everyone for a fool and they loved it, yet again. Don’t even try to deny it, you bought it hook, line and sinker too, and you should feel stupid and small right about now, because it’s not the first time either. I’m pretty fucking smart, so I already know what you’re about to say. “Foxi, you might be right, but it’s the first-ever gaming tablet that puts all of these things together into a seamless blend – it’s totally innovative!”, or something along those lines. Wow, you’re right, I didn’t think of it that way. Oh wait.

    [​IMG] [​IMG]

    The Wikipad 7 and the Nvidia Shield called, they want their innovation back. To make this tragicomedy even more bitter-sweet, those two are also Nvidia Tegra devices – great. To put it bluntly for all my readers who have problems connecting dots the size of the Moon, Nintendo is trying to sell you an Android tablet with a controller and proprietary HDMI Out, except *without Android*, and therefore crippled right out of the box, and they're completely shameless about it. Just because you've obscured the HDMI Out with a stupid pass-through dock doesn't mean that I can't see right through it, Big N - you're trying to play me again, and I'm not as dumb as your usual customer.

    Now that I’ve given C.P.R to a few of your previously dormant brain cells, you’re probably thinking to yourself “wouldn’t the Switch be more beefy than a tablet or Android console? I mean, it’s going to be brand-new technology”, right? Honestly though, will it? We have no indication of that, beyond Nvidia’s vague announcement that the Switch is powered by their chip architecture. Has Nintendo ever released a system based on completely brand-new, untested technology? No, of course not – it goes directly against the credo of their company. Nintendo traditionally uses only tried-and-true hardware to facilitate ease of development and lower production costs – they’ve never been on the bleeding edge, and that’s a deliberate strategy. Here’s a little tidbit from Wikipedia regarding Gunpei Yokoi, the architect of the Game Boy’s success and Nintendo’s strategy of “Lateral Thinking with Withered Technology” which they’ve followed ever since without exception:

    It's withered technology alright - it makes my dick shrivel each and every time, and the Switch will be no different. If you think they’re going to suddenly switch away from the strategy that filled their bank accounts to such an extent that they could cosplay Scrooge McDuck all fucking day, you’re a delusional twit.

    We can pretend that specs don't matter and it's the games that we all care about, but we've been saying that throughout the Wii U's life cycle and crossing our fingers didn't magic any games into existence, so consider this cold shower a blessing - you can thank me later. Whether we like it or not, we need adequate hardware performance in order to get third-party support, so let's talk specs. In fact, let's be optimistic about it - let’s pretend for a moment that we live in an alternate reality in which Nintendo isn’t a bunch of skinflints reluctant to try anything new lest it fails and instead opt to jerk off their audience’s sense of nostalgia for cash like cheap hookers. Let’s assume that the Switch’s backbone is in fact the bleeding edge of Nvidia’s technology, collect what we know about the chip and draw a quick “best scenario” conclusion.

    The Switch is currently rumoured to be powered by the Parker SoC, which in turn implements Pascal, their most recent GPU architecture. That would suggests that the system is driven by the Tegra X2 chip, Nvidia’s latest SoC baby. Now, let me tell you, these bad boys are rated to deliver 1.5 teraflops of computational power, praise Jesus! That’s right in-between of the Xbox One’s 1.31 teraflops and the PS4’s 1.84 teraflops of processing power, we’re in the clear, pewf! Triple-A multiplats are guaranteed, we're on the right track! There’s just one little detail that most Nintendo fanboy blogs conveniently forget to mention when covering the Switch, possibly because their brand royalty is obscuring their vision to such an extent that they lose the ability to read fine print. We *still* don't know a lot about the X2, and most of information about it comes from a leaflet about the automotive implementation, so let's have a look at Nvidia's slide. To be specific, let's have a look at the very bottom of the page:

    The Pascal Lie.png

    Oh. For those who aren't in the know, the basic operation used in a typical gaming scenario is a single-precision FP32 op, which counts as two FP16 ops. The theoretical computational power of the Xbox One and the PS4 are stated as FP32 figures, not FP16 ones like in Nvidia's press release. So... this means that the actual processing power of the chip in a 32-bit graphics environment is half of the number Nvidia's boasting about, meaning 750 GFLOPs? Significantly less than the PS4 or the Xbox One? And they're showing off a number that's completely irrelevant to gamers? From the automotive version of the chip, with an uninterrupted power supply and ample cooling, as opposed to a tablet version that doesn’t have either and will very likely be dialed back due to power and heat dissipation concerns? Okay. Lord have mercy.

    I know that you're clinging to the hope that there's something magical in that dock, that this sinking ship can be mended before you once again descend in the sea of shit that spells poor performance and lack of third-party support known as "The Nintendo Experience", but as the old adage says, "hope is the mother of fools", and hardcore Nintendo fans that got this far into the article and still clung to hope are some grade-A naive fucksticks. Paradoxically, I'd call them "hopeless".
    Sounds like doom and gloom, but fear not! We have no solid numbers, this is all speculation, and speculation is for suckers. What we’re really interested in is the jerk-off material – we saw Skyrim being played on the Switch! A game from 2011 that ran on the PS3, a 230 GFLOPs machine with 256MB RAM and 256MB VRAM. Boy, oh boy - I can't wait to buy this new piece of tech so that I could play... 5-year-old games with minor face-lifts? Jesus Christmas, taking money from you suckers is easier than taking candy from a baby suffering from terminal stages of Polio, are you all blind?

    Thankfully the Switch will still provide us with what we want - Nintendo games. D'uh. Hey, did you know that the Wii U has 17 games featuring Mario, in most cases as a playable character? Do you know what it doesn't have? A new Metroid Prime. Or a new F-Zero. Gee willikers, I can't wait to play the same 5 games over... and over... and over again. I don't know what's climbing faster - my body temperature due to my blood boiling or the suicide rates in the Nintendo fandom.

    You couldn’t have written a better heist screenplay if you tried. It’s the Great Nintendo Switcheroo, the Super Mario Swindle, and all you suckers are getting bamboozled. Again. As a duplicitous, shady and hateful character I can’t help but admire Nintendo’s ability to wring the very last dollar out of your wallets. For all intents and purposes you deserve it if you’ve stuck with them for this long. What concerns me is that I’ll probably grab one of those things too, just like I grabbed a Wii U, and I can’t explain why. Being a Nintendo fan is like an abusive high school relationship – the company takes all your money and just when you’re on the verge of saying “y’know, fuck these guys, all they want is my dough!” they come around with a shitty card they made during an arts and crafts class. It smells of Elmer’s glue and the pasta shells are peeling off, they misspelled your name, but for whatever reason the card means something to you. My only question is how many cards it takes for people to realize that they’re dating a total asshole.

    Real Nintendo consoles are dead, and they were killed by you. If only you could break your backs just to reach down and chew your dicks off whenever you get too excited and feel ready to fork over your cash without actually checking whether the product is any good, perhaps we wouldn't be in this situation. I blame all of you collectively and each and every one of you individually. It's your fault. Feel ashamed.

    I would say “thanks for reading”, but every moment I spend writing this high-quality, educational content is charity, so instead I’ll say “you’re welcome”. I should get a tax write-off for this, really. Be sure to post your opinions below, so that I may treat them accordingly - ignore everything you wrote, print it out blind, put it through the shredder, book a plane flight to wherever Bumfucknowhere you live and shove it down your throats, because you're obviously wrong. Until next time, chumps!
     


  2. Autz

    Autz GBAtemp Advanced Fan

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  3. Prans

    Prans Geek, gamer, human

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    This post is still better than Yokai Watch 2!

     
  4. mashers

    mashers Stubborn ape

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    No you're not. Ignore list: deploy!
     
  5. plyscho

    plyscho GBAtemp Regular

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    Starting a flamewar about something that doesn't even exist yet seems kinda idiotic, only stupid people would do that. Or create a thread about it.
     
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  6. solarsaturn9

    solarsaturn9 GBAtemp Regular

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    You're 100% right. Nvidia did come up with the technology before Big N did. However, Nvidia's console could not play Nintendo's software. (And no, shitty emulation doesn't count). Their philosophy has always been "software drives hardware sales." People weren't going apeshit over old technology: they were going apeshit over a portable "home console" supported by 3rd party developers with Nintendo's lineup of AAA titles.
     
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  7. plyscho

    plyscho GBAtemp Regular

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    You are bringing reason to the flamebait. Dismissed. ;P
     
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  8. Veho

    Veho The man who cried "Ni".

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    That's... oddly specific, Foxi. Is it from personal experience? Who hurt you?
     
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  9. Skelletonike

    Skelletonike ♂ ♥ Gallant Pervert ♥ ♀

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    Fun bait. =O
     
  10. Meteor7

    Meteor7 Guess where this thumb goes.

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    You say that the Switch is crippled without the Android OS, making it less than a tablet, but I think most people aren't really interested in buying another Android device. What I personally am interested in, is being able to play Nintendo games in a more free/accessible way. I think most supporters of the Switch don't want to do the things an Android tablet will do, but do want what is essentially Nintendo console functionality in a tablet package. Then again, arguing whether or not it would be better for all of us if Nintendo stopped making consoles and made all their games for PC and PC-like devices is another thing altogether, and not something I'm entirely decided upon at this point. Well, either way, this was still a functionally critical and entertaining look at the whole situation regarding Nintendo and the Switch.
     
    Last edited by Meteor7, Dec 6, 2016
  11. Autz

    Autz GBAtemp Advanced Fan

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    Plot twist:

    Plot Twist ahead
     
  12. InsaneNutter

    InsaneNutter GBAtemp Fan

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    So basically like myself you have a love / hate relationship with Nintendo. Sometimes i do wonder what Nintendo is thinking... for example selling the 3DS XL in the UK without a charger, because they presumed everyone buying it would already own a 3DS so have a charger, i did think that was pretty arrogant. Only Nintendo would think they can sell a handheld console with a propitiatory charging port and not include the actual charger with the console...

    Over the last few years though I have gained a lot of respect for Nintendo, their not afraid to try something new. Look at the DS, a touch screen console before touch was even really a thing on mobile phones. The Wii, the first games console my parents went out and purchased for themselves... granted I think a lot of peoples Wii's outside GBA Temp collected dust for many many years after been used for 6 months. However it was a great console to get out and play some Wii sports with people of any age, it's one of the few consoles that got all the family playing together.

    The 3DS was a pretty unique idea, granted i think the 3D is totally useless and never had interest in it anyway, as 3D gives me really bad headaches. However i purchased it for Pokemon, which has been the only game i've really played this year after getting pretty fedup with all the FPS / racing games i usually play on the Xbox. So fair play to Nintendo i purchased a console for one franchise and have played it on more than my Xbox One.

    Then we have the Wii U, which to be honest on paper failed, however I picked one up in June 2015 mainly for Mario Kart 8 and Bayonetta 2. What has impressed me is it's the only console this gen which really supports local split screen gaming. Theirs no better gaming experience I think than actually been in the room with the people your playing with, crowded around the screen playing Mario Kart or Smash Brothers. Granted Nintendo's online system is useless in comparison to Xbox Live or the PSN (again something I cant understand why a company like Nintendo can't do better) however fair play they have doing local gaming better than Microsoft or Sony this generation.

    What I also like about the Wii U is it can basically emulate Nintendo's entire back catalog of games by hacking the vWii. Nes, Snes, N64, GameCube, Wii, GB, GBC, GBA, heck it's even compatible with some DS games too - a pretty nice bonus if you ask me!

    I'm no Nintendo fanboy though, heck I dont even like some of their core franchises like Zelda for example... it just doesn't interest me one bit. I'm not really bothered about the 3D Mario games either, or random spin-offs like Mario Tennis. However Nintendo do have something for everyone and I do respect them for actually doing something different compared to Microsoft and Sony.

    Personally the switch is not something I feel the need to rush out and buy at launch, however I would eventually get one for certain franchises as when it comes down to it, consoles are all about the exclusive games and experience offered, something Nintendo does well in both areas, even if they do lack in others.

    Nvidia might have done something somewhat similar first, however as far as marketing goes i don't think i've ever seen an Nvidia Shield anywhere in the wild. It's not really a mainstream gaming console.
     
    Last edited by InsaneNutter, Dec 6, 2016
  13. Nightwish

    Nightwish GBAtemp Fan

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    You hate Nintendo, what else is new? You're not their target audience, grow up and move on already.
     
  14. XrosBlader821

    XrosBlader821 Digimon Tamer

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    [​IMG]
     
  15. Deboog

    Deboog GBAtemp Advanced Fan

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    I don't think it's a secret that Nintendo is just slapping their brand on an Nvidia tablet. Idk, I was considering buying a shield anyways, and now I'll get a shield with an acceptable sized screen that plays Nintendo games. I don't feel scammed.
     
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  16. Sonic Angel Knight

    Sonic Angel Knight GBAtemp Guru

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    Oh no, not the butt blasting. That the worst part. :blink:

    Well there is the butt rocket already... so i mean, funny internet videos. :creep:

    I do have a bit of concerns about the nintendo switch-aroo that i have not voiced yet, and i was waiting for the january conference to say something about it. So i'll keep quiet... as much as i can. :ninja:
     
  17. VinLark

    VinLark Loonix Master

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    >let me add you to ignore for a rant you're doing'

    Get a spine.Holy shit add me to your ignore list while you're at it
     
  18. gman666

    gman666 Cubicle Expert

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    Or you could just... Not buy it and let the dummies buy it. That's their money to waste and your time wasted complaining about it.
     
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  19. Tom Bombadildo

    Tom Bombadildo Honk!

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    I forgot


    Relevant.
     
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  20. mashers

    mashers Stubborn ape

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    It's not just this rant. I don't need to read 'content' from someone so negative and angry.
     
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