GBAtemp Writers' Guild

[Sterling]

I'm gonna write some more of that story involving this weeks challenge, here's what I have so far.

Spoiler

"Dad, where have you been?"
As the light dimmed, I found myself standing on warm, smooth grass instead of cold hard cement and refreshing brezze filled the air as the trees rustle and leaves moved about. My memory of what just transpired only moments ago was suddenly washed away from my memory...and suddenly new ones come rushing in...

"Dad? Are you alright?"

I shake my head and look at my "son", my mouth and mind are telling me "Yes, I'm fine son, just thinking about...things." But my heart is telling me a different story

I'll put more in tomorrow, feel free to review what I have.

That was last week's challenge. This week's is a descriptive scene. Like I said though. You can do them in any order you want. Also, what you have so far is good. A little out of context, but so far it's cool.

 

[retKHAAAN]

New Song:

Spoiler

Inside
That poor pretty girl, so very low and tired
Got a simple life, such a simple flower
She wants to wilt away like a rose in autumn
As her thorny stem draws blood like it ought to

When she walks along the heads can’t help but turn
The way she sways her hips, it makes the fellas yearn
For a single night, even a single gaze
But they have no idea the lives she’s set ablaze

Such a lonely girl, she can’t be satisfied
Doesn’t ask for much, but it’s all in her eyes
She’s been hurt before, heart’s been ground to dust
Expects that every man speaks only what he must
To get inside

To get inside

And so she wears her past, like it’s a prophylactic
So beautiful, and still so f*cking tragic
Time moves on, she watches as it passes
No attempt to make a single thing that lasted

That poor pretty girl, she just can’t help but fear
That scared, lonely child staring from the mirror
Alone, she feels it all – It multiplies each day
With no one next to her to wipe the tears away

If she only knew that there’s no need to cry
No need to say those words or give sarcastic sighs
Because not every man will fail to empathize
Because it’s not her fault those f*ckers told those lies
To get inside

To get inside

 

[Nujui]

I'm gonna write some more of that story involving this weeks challenge, here's what I have so far.

Spoiler

"Dad, where have you been?"
As the light dimmed, I found myself standing on warm, smooth grass instead of cold hard cement and refreshing brezze filled the air as the trees rustle and leaves moved about. My memory of what just transpired only moments ago was suddenly washed away from my memory...and suddenly new ones come rushing in...

"Dad? Are you alright?"

I shake my head and look at my "son", my mouth and mind are telling me "Yes, I'm fine son, just thinking about...things." But my heart is telling me a different story

I'll put more in tomorrow, feel free to review what I have.

That was last week's challenge. This week's is a descriptive scene. Like I said though. You can do them in any order you want. Also, what you have so far is good. A little out of context, but so far it's cool.

Ah, sorry (I wrote that part at 12 a night yesterday, so I probably mistook it for that.) And it's suppose to be out of context for a reason. Here, I'll explain.

The "Flower" software is pretty much the prefect paradise....only it's not taking place in real life, only in your head. When the light shone through, it was like the Flower going through photosynthesis, it activated and placed him in what his mind would be the prefect life..though, the thing is still buggy, which later on will start to change is prefect life into a living hell, as why they're testing. (And no, the son isn't real, though the mother is one of the "test subjects".) All they want too see is whoever can survive the hard ships of life really, so the creators makes certain things happen, like the child dying, no money, divorce, etc, but the bugs make it much, much worse for any normal person to handle. . The story is put into 3, long chapters.

Beginning, Middle, and End...

Hence the reason for 3 "testing chambers."

 

[astrangeone]

* Current User Name, and previous User names. (Or the past 3 - 4): astrangeone
* Area of Expertise. (Narratives, Poetry, Lyrics, etc): I tend to write articles, then back with prose. I also write erotic fiction....*blush* Although, that is usually not on gbatemp. And short fanfiction - usually regarding movies/video games. Also, I have a fascination with stories about murders and darker stuff - but that usually doesn't get written about.
* Which language was your first, and what number is English on that list: Cantonese Chines and English.

I'm fluent in both, but I write in English only.
* How often are you active here at GBAtemp? (Doesn't have any effect on your application, but it's nice to know): pretty often, although that may change as university starts again.
* How often do you write? Not often enough. This will help - and beta readers always do.
* Sample of your work. (It has to be either a short story, or a smaller part of an existing work. It can be on GBAtemp, or another website such as deviant art.)

This first spoiler is a little dark (I wrote this when I was in a creative writing class, and I fully believe that human nature is a terrible thing:

Spoiler

Her personal heroes were Albert Fish, Jeffery Dahmer, and Elizabeth Bathory. All had reveled in creating their own realities for themselves. Bathory had tasked servants to perform unspeakable acts of violence, and then bathed in the blood of virgin women to keep herself young. Albert Fish's appetite mirrored her own, and he brought down the facade of safety most parents had of older men. Dahmer used his almost supernatural charisma to make sure that he got away without his appetite being revealed. All used a shell to keep themselves operating in the real world, and succeeded almost too well.

"I'm going to change that." She felt the weight of the scalpel in her hand, and almost wept at the relief she felt.

The first cut was almost clinical, detached. The fatty layer of skin parted easily, revealing the muscle that controled one's ability to smile. She disabled that with a precise, but cold injection of Botox into that area. She repeated the procedure on the other side, her hand trembling slightly. She stopped to wipe up the blood that flowed with a piece of gauze, and then started work on the forehead. Two precise cuts at 45 degress ensured enough space - and then she reached for the elevators, and tucked them neatly into the layer of skin, directly under the fatty tissue. A few quick sutures with dissolving line anchored the skin again, and it was time to file the teeth into fangs.

A quick look in the mirror, and her reflection grinned devilishly back at her. Her work was complete and her soul was satisfied. She would finally look the part.

I'm 27 years old, a lesbian and Asian...

 

[Sterling]

Welcome to the Guild Astrangeone. Though your prose is dark, the passion shines through your other works. As long as you're active at least once in six months, you'll stay a writer.

 

[Shinigami357]

* Current User Name, and previous User names. (Or the past 3 - 4): astrangeone
* Area of Expertise. (Narratives, Poetry, Lyrics, etc): I tend to write articles, then back with prose. I also write erotic fiction....*blush* Although, that is usually not on gbatemp. And short fanfiction - usually regarding movies/video games. Also, I have a fascination with stories about murders and darker stuff - but that usually doesn't get written about.
* Which language was your first, and what number is English on that list: Cantonese Chines and English.

I'm fluent in both, but I write in English only.
* How often are you active here at GBAtemp? (Doesn't have any effect on your application, but it's nice to know): pretty often, although that may change as university starts again.
* How often do you write? Not often enough. This will help - and beta readers always do.
* Sample of your work. (It has to be either a short story, or a smaller part of an existing work. It can be on GBAtemp, or another website such as deviant art.)

This first spoiler is a little dark (I wrote this when I was in a creative writing class, and I fully believe that human nature is a terrible thing:

Spoiler

Her personal heroes were Albert Fish, Jeffery Dahmer, and Elizabeth Bathory. All had reveled in creating their own realities for themselves. Bathory had tasked servants to perform unspeakable acts of violence, and then bathed in the blood of virgin women to keep herself young. Albert Fish's appetite mirrored her own, and he brought down the facade of safety most parents had of older men. Dahmer used his almost supernatural charisma to make sure that he got away without his appetite being revealed. All used a shell to keep themselves operating in the real world, and succeeded almost too well.

"I'm going to change that." She felt the weight of the scalpel in her hand, and almost wept at the relief she felt.

The first cut was almost clinical, detached. The fatty layer of skin parted easily, revealing the muscle that controled one's ability to smile. She disabled that with a precise, but cold injection of Botox into that area. She repeated the procedure on the other side, her hand trembling slightly. She stopped to wipe up the blood that flowed with a piece of gauze, and then started work on the forehead. Two precise cuts at 45 degress ensured enough space - and then she reached for the elevators, and tucked them neatly into the layer of skin, directly under the fatty tissue. A few quick sutures with dissolving line anchored the skin again, and it was time to file the teeth into fangs.

A quick look in the mirror, and her reflection grinned devilishly back at her. Her work was complete and her soul was satisfied. She would finally look the part.

I'm 27 years old, a lesbian and Asian...

Whoa... Interesting premise. It's not first-person, but you see into the character's head anyway. That's really the most important part of dark fiction, IMHO.

Anyway, I better stop before I sound too creepy. LOL

PS
How could one grin after paralyzing the muscles needed to smile? I think you can bare your teeth, but not grin per se... Of course, I might be wrong, anatomically speaking...


@Sterling
I'm having some difficulty stringing together 3 or more verbs, especially when the subject is supposed to be doing the things at the same time...

I do just fine when there's just two of them, but I wasn't really taught how to do more than that. Help me, please...

Thanks!

PS
Might as well post it on the Writing Guide. Don't want to hog all your advice, hahaha. I haven't come up with any good ones yet, kind of distracted lately...

 

[Sterling]

It was a dark and stormy night. I was writing in bed, and listening to the rain fall. From time to time I would stare at the wall, the pen still moving, and the rain still falling.

You don't have to always rush them in the same sentence. Post how you are doing it, and we'll see if I can help you.

 

[Shinigami357]

Something like this:

"She just looked at him, smiling, as she shakes her head."

Most of my problems lie in where/when I should use the past, present or gerund forms... For example, the above statement can be rephrased thus...

"She just looks at him, smiling, as she shook her head."

And it's still the same basically [though the gerund form never changed]. Should I just wing it and write which way fits the narrative best?

 

[Sterling]

Yes, write as best fits the Narrative. Are you doing it from First person, second person, or?

 

[retKHAAAN]

Okay, here's my shot at the challenge. This was really more of a joke. I have a co-worker who always forgets to send me her weekly itinerary and I sent her this as a reminder

Spoiler

She leaned against the glass, eyes fixed on the street below, remembering how excited she was when she learned she had finally gotten the promotion. All of the difficult years had finally paid off. The new office, with its glass walls and high ceilings. The beautiful view of the rising sun against the blue waters littered with sailboats and ferries. The grand architecture of the surrounding buildings.

But it was all gone. The city in chaos and panic. The street at which she gazed, once bustling with life...with lives, was now in ruin. Looters ravaged the overturned cars and storefronts. Flames rose from the scattered bodies of those who could not escape. The call had come far too late to save them all. With tears exhausted and voice gone, there was no other option but to sink to the floor and place her head in her heads. She knew exactly how it all began and she knew exactly how she could have prevented it… She knew that she was the cause of all of this pain and destruction… If only she’d sent that email…

 

[Sterling]

@Old8oy: Nice. I find that hilarious. Now if only an email could incite such panic in the streets...

 

[Shinigami357]

Yes, write as best fits the Narrative. Are you doing it from First person, second person, or?

I'm basically shifting between 3rd-person/narrator POV and first-person, though the issue comes up in both of them... I'll just find a way that works for me, thanks.

 

[retKHAAAN]

Here's a great article from a fairly well-known writer on writing. Nothing too specific language-wise but an interesting read nonetheless.

 

[KingdomBlade]

@Sterling: I R SAD. Y U NO COMMENT ON MAH STORY?

My, uh, story for the challenge.

Spoiler

This was an empty place. No windows, no doors, no light or darkness. It was as if the place was separated from the world. One could move, but where? There were no walls, no ceilings and no floors, one could move forward, backward, and could even move upward. One did not have a shadow. When a sound was made, no one, not even the maker of the sound could hear it. It just went farther and farther, like it had nothing to bounce around from.

When a hand pushed against the emptiness, it would feel nothing. No air, no gas, and no feeling. One doesn't need to breathe or blink, like living and existence was some sort of a blurred concept. Nothing and anything was possible. Existing in the place wasn't even a certainty. One was simply there because that was what he knew. Matter and physics did not exist, this was where nothing and everything met.

There were no distractions, no birthday parties, no annoying neighbors, no reports due on Monday, no sexual struggles, no global warming, no blind love, no 6'o'Clock news, no presidential elections, no religious wars, no cancer, no exploding cars, no huge traffic, no hurricanes, no watermelons, no babies and no people. Nothing mattered. Emotion, aspirations, morals, values and laws were non-existent.

There was nowhere to head to. The room does not exist anywhere, it is in the middle of nowhere but everywhere. Nothing was in front or behind.

Where do we go when we die?

YES I'M BEING AN ATTENTION WHORE. lol jk

Anyways, I'm really struggling to get flow on poems. I have to look at a rhyming dictionary to just get a good pattern with it. Any tips anyone? Whenever I start a poem, I seem to always desperately find words that rhyme, to the point that I have to plan out the ends for each line. XD

 

[retKHAAAN]

@KingdomBlade

words don't have to rhyme perfectly. practice just focusing on the number of syllables in each line. This might come in handy with the rhyming part

 

[Shinigami357]

In terms of poetry, rhyming schemes abound. The ideal solution would be to just increase your vocabulary, then rhyming will be second nature to you. Anyway, I always believed that the lines themselves are more important than the rhyming [but that could just be me]. My advice would be: just let the lines flow, the rhymes will follow. Kind of like that.

 

[shyam513]

@kingdomblade

For my poem, I try and get a general theme in mind, then look at all the words related to it I can think of - and form those, I pick out the ones I think rhyme best.

 

[shyam513]

Oh, and sorry to double post, but my exams just finished, so I've got three months or so off - so if anyone has any pieces they want me to proofread or critique in detail, quickly, then feel free to drop me a PM, and I'll get round to it Asap. It can be any format or length, I don't really mind.

 

[Shinigami357]

@Sterling - Just added something to the guide. Hope it's up to the usual standard.

@shyam513 - Ah, but wouldn't you rather spend the break getting some needed R&R? LOL, just kidding. Pretty sure our members have fantastic pieces lined up already. But hey, enjoy your break.

Anyway, back to writing...

 

[shyam513]

Okay, I got a little bored, so I thought I'd post a little more of my novel - the one in my original application. For some background, the books working title is "Souls of Wind", and is about a boy who finds he can control wind. Anyway, here's a little descriptive piece of the main female protagonist, so feel free to let me know how realistic or wooden it sounds.

Spoiler

The figure was not; as I had expected from the strength or speed of the strike, a man, but a woman, close to my own age. She was of medium height, and had a slim, feline figure, soft, light brown skin, and a perfect, beautiful face. Her dark, raven coloured hair fell to the nape of her neck, framing her soft features in an ebony curtain. Her eyes were a bright, almost playful teal, while her face was full, with soft curves. Her mouth was full and warm, and although understandably twisted in a fierce expression, it still retained its perfect beauty. She carried two short swords, one in either hand, but what caught my eyes was the colour of the blades, one a rich, deep blue, the colour of the ocean’s heart, whereas the other was a pale, light blue, the colour of the midday sky. The two colours intertwined seemed to be almost hypnotic, with patterns dancing across them, like waves across the water, or clouds across the sky. She wore a sable cloak of deep crimson, above a pair of black trousers and a short sleeved tunic, which was made of a smooth turquoise silk unlike anything I had seen before.