Welcome to the personal blog of brickmii82
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I enjoy poetry. From my introduction to Shel Silverstein in my elementary days, it's always given me inspiration and enjoyment. I write a bit myself now and again, so I wanted to share my work here and invite others to share as well. It doesn't have to be your work, but share a poem you enjoy!
I am a dreamer, I dream the dreams,
This world can be cruel as it's not what it seems.
We fly on planes and travel in car,
Yet people we're close to can seem very far.
I dream of the mountain I dream of the beach,
I aim for the stars though they're out of my reach.
I strive to achieve my life's ambition,
I find good strength in all competition.
We move forward in life as we haven't a choice,
But I am a dreamer and dreams are my voice.
I will speak these dreams and let them be loud,
For I am a dreamer for that I am proud.
Please dream for yourself of horizons not seen,
Don't ever forget life begins with a dream.
My good friend Paul Horner has just passed away. He became a bit of a celebrity due to his hoax stories, and was certainly one of the "fake news" pioneers. We lost touch for a bit, but around a year ago we began talking again. I was supposed to go see his monthly comedy show in downtown Phoenix at some point but I put it off for too long. I'm too late....
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As we move through our lives, we experience things that change our perspectives on ourselves, our environments, our friends, loved ones, and especially our feelings. Genetics certainly play a role in this, however it seems evident that humankind is dynamically adaptive. This is exemplified through social interactions. Whether in person or online, we tend to adapt to our social surroundings to fill needs within ourselves, whether mental, emotional, spiritual, and in some cases, physical.
How we define ourselves is a core to our character and mentality. Some define themselves as loving, some angry, some free, some disciplined, some outgoing, some introverted, the list goes on and on. Obviously we're quite complex so you can have multiple defining qualities and traits, but what are your most cherished and important? What are your most noticeable? What makes you.... you?
For me, I'd say that I'm loving but temperamental, trusting but watchful, loyal, honest, and dedicated. As for noticeable, I'm a goof-off. If you meet me in person I'll try and squeeze a smile and/or laugh out of you. I like seeing others happy because it makes me feel good as well.
How about you?
This new job is more stressful than I anticipated. I ended up getting promoted to a management position because the previous manager quit because the owner of the company is a grade A douchebag. Seriously, this guy redefines the word. He likes to posture and berate people for things out of their control. Anyways....
I just wanted to post something since I haven't in awhile, and catch up with everyone! I'm good other than wanting to break this guys face when he opens his mouth.
So, how y'all doing???
I've mentioned a few times how I've decided to let love dictate my life's decisions a few times here, so I want to tell a story that'll elaborate one of the reasons I made that choice. This experience was pivotal in the development of my character and personality.
I work in the automotive service industry. I've been fixing cars for 15 years at this point, and it's a career that's had its ups and downs. One of the high points, I'll never forget....
I was working as a technician at a shop that serviced a retirement community, and I had plenty of acquaintances I had made of couples that I watched a spouse pass away, and the surviving widow almost seemed indifferent to the passing of their loved one.
This struck me as odd, and I suppose from my point of view, it was. But.....
I had a gentlemen that came in for tires and an oil change, and his wife had passed about 6 weeks earlier. He was a small statured man, well groomed, and nicely dressed. My manager came over when he handed me the repair order, and informed of the full situation. All this fellow knew how to do, was fly planes. He made the money and his wife handled EVERYTHING else. From bills to clothes, everything. She had picked out the clothes he was wearing, along with 2 months of outfits before she passed.
It turned out she had even purchased a tire warranty from a franchise tire shop in case this situation ever arose. So, I drove him over to the tire shop and we had his tires taken care of after I finished his oil change. All in all I ended up spending the whole day with him. He was still broken over her. He would tell me a story of their adventures, then break down into tears. He spoke of her in such high regard, and I couldn't help but think that I would love for someone to think of me this way.
It was heartbreaking and beautiful. This man, who saw himself as blessed by his lover after 50+ years of marriage. It was the exception, and I was fortunate enough to spend a day with him and hear him talk about what love did for his life. I still get goosebumps 13 years later when I think about it.
My manager knew the man from his church, and informed me about 2 months later that he had passed away. The doctors said it was "natural causes," and I suppose it kind of was. But, if you look further you find the absolute truth. He died of a broken heart. He loved her so much, that when she passed it was like his very soul no longer desired this world. It wanted to be with her.
Love changes people. We've all had that friend that fell in love, or had a child, or found something to love and the outcome is often the same. They change. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse, but the change happens inevitably. If I fall in love again, I hope it's like him, and I hope the woman I fall in love with feels the same.
Well, things are looking up. I have a new job that's paying more, a nice woman I'm spending time with, and a lot of friends around to enjoy extra time with.
I had thought I was on the downhill slide. Then again, I suppose I was. Got arrested and caught a couple charges, divorced, lost my job.... yeah, typical boo hoo sob story.
I just kept hopeful through the BS. I figured if I just took opportunity when it presented
itself, the rest would work out. I should be able to climb a mountain I made, after all.
It's funny how the world can bear down on you. One minute you're on top of it, the next its crushing you. But, if you just grab hold, dig deep and start lifting it a step at a time, you find yourself juggling it.
Maybe things do happen for a reason. Maybe all of the problems we experience in life, help lead us to greener pastures if we do our part and believe.
I was mulling over whether to make this entry, but I think it's best if I do. It's exploding out of me, so here I am.
From my previous entries, it's been clear that I still have some baggage from a past relationship. Today I met someone that really has my mind blown. She's gorgeous, intelligent, and I really enjoyed her company. She has some baggage as well, so I think it's best to take things slowly. But, I think we'd be good together.
I think she feels the same way, but I don't want to rush too quickly. I just know I can't wait to see her again. I hope the feeling is mutual.
I've been dating for a year, and this is the first time I felt something for another woman. This anxiety is fucking with my head. I can't stop thinking about her! I wanna hold her so bad! I was so determined to stay single, but damn, I really connected with her. My dad was right. "You never know who you're going to meet," he said.
As I'm sure those of you who have seen me recently know, I've begun blogging quite often. It's something I had never given an attempt, or even a thought to. I had nothing against it. I just generally keep to myself. I tend to be a bit reserved, and enjoy curious eyes from people's foray into my mystique.
These past few months have certainly been taxing on my mind, body, and soul. I've dealt with regurgitated romantic feelings regularly, started a gaming/media project, got back into school, and began putting myself overall back into relevancy.
All of this had me deep in thought about where my creative outlet is. I hate writing, and never thought of myself as a writer. Well, in a court-ordered class (More on that later) I was told that I seem like a writer by the way I think, speak, and carry myself. I used to write poems and songs in my free time, but it always felt like I was doing it to get laid rather than for myself.
Enter the Temp, a place I've accepted as a safe space for my thoughts and an outlet. You may see some of the content here as "cancerous", or "spamming", but it's not likely you've seen the things I've seen. And if you have, my hearts with you even more. I came from the hood. A place that you find drugs and dead bodies on a weekly, if not daily basis.
I've sold crack in condemned buildings, kicked in people's doors, ran from the cops at 130 MPH, been shot at, shot back, and been to more friends funerals than I care to remember. From downtown Henderson in Nevada, to Newport News in Virginia, to Maryvale in Arizona, I've been in some terrible places.
You become disillusioned with humanity when you see and experience this shit. Hurting someone becomes as easy as getting dressed in the morning. Someone hurting you becomes reason for havoc and destruction, even if it's your own. There's no law but "G code." It's outright insanity.
As things moved forward in my life, I dropped out of school and began selling weapons and drugs. I worked also, but most of my jobs were for people I sold to. It was grandiose and thrilling, feeling that kind of power. When you can tell your boss, "I'm leaving at 12 but clock me out at 5", and he doesn't say shit but "ok," yeah, that's an ego-trip waiting to happen.
Then the big opportunity came. My chance to be Scarface. I had gotten ahold of an old friend from Detroit, and he needed weight. A kilo of cocaine and at least 40 Lbs of weed. I packed up my bags, got what was needed, and off I went.
In comes the blessing in the form of a curse. I was stopped, searched, and arrested in the panhandle of Texas. Court proceedings continued for a year, and I was ultimately placed on Deferred Adjudication (Probation) for 8 years.
I spent that 8 years becoming a better person. Someone that anyone would be proud to know. I began a family, established a career in automotive service, and let go of the past. I didn't realize it at the time, in fact I was pissed off for most of it, but that officer saved my life and my soul.
I still have my run-ins with the law, but its few and far between. I don't cause trouble. I just end up in situations. Mostly by "talking softly but carrying a big stick." Hence the name brickmii, meaning "try and break me, I fucking dare you." I know when a fights not worth it, but if it is, I go for throats. Hence the court-ordered class. Anger management. Again.
Why am I telling this story? Why would I put this out there? Because I want a bad boy image? No. Because I want to seem "edgy"? Fuck no. I did it because it's my blog, and I like writing after all, and I suppose I'm pretty decent at it. If you think I'm lying, I don't care. If you think I'm asking for attention, I don't care. I blog for me. I blog because it makes me a better person.
I got baked a few days ago and started a spirit animal joke with some friends. I joked about me being a gorilla, because I have an abundance of body hair. We went on teasing ourselves and each other, and eventually just polished off a couple pizzas and crashed out.
Well, I've been thinking about it more in depth. From my understanding, a spirit animal is a creature whose personality traits and character traits reflect yours. If that's the case, I'd have to say I'm actually an orca. I love the ocean, but I need air as well. I can be playful, but vicious as well. I enjoy family, and company as well. I don't like captivity, and it has affected me forever.
How about you? What's yours and why?
I'll preface this by telling a bit of my story. My mother was a housewife when she and my father were still married. My dad was a Senior Chief in the US Navy, and a submarine crewman. They divorced and my mother went all gung-ho on mental health, and stuck it to my dad pretty hard. She contributed to making it difficult for us to continue father/son relations, and he eventually just stopped trying.
I went almost 25 years without my father being around. Hell, we never even spoke and I didn't even know what he looked like. I had a lot of animosity about it until after I had my son. I began to correlate the love I had for my son, to the anger I had towards my father. I decided that I would speak with him and see how things turned out.
Well, it was sporadic at first. A Facebook message every few months, a letter here and there. Nothing too substantial. Just banter of family and friends, TV, movies, games. Eventually it withered (admittedly by my ineptitude) and we hadn't spoken for almost 2 years.
Then came disaster. My then-wife had decided to split up, and I was in shambles. I lost my job, vehicle, house, and focus. I didn't know how to deal with this, so I made a Facebook post asking for support.
Enter my father. The man I wanted to know, but hadn't taken the time or effort to make it happen. He messages me and asks if I'm alright. I say no, I'm a mess. He tells me to let it go, and come stay with him for awhile and see what happens. I said lets do it.
I flew out that weekend. When I arrived, he made sure I had anything I needed and we talked for a long while about everything. From him and my mother, to me and my ex. We cleared the air. It was a massive release.
I stayed there with him for about 4 1/2 months. We built a great relationship. He said he was proud of the man I'd become, and that his biggest regret in life was losing contact with my brother and I. I only left because I couldn't get my kids there.
He was diagnosed with prostate cancer shortly before my split, and didn't tell me until I got there. He comforted me by saying it's early stage, and they'll just "cut it out." I talked to people and researched, and it seemed he was right.
Well, he wasn't. He's undergone numerous surgeries and treatments, and it just grows back. A fucking filthy, festering, evil natured disease is going to take my father from me just when I've established a bond. He's in radiation therapy now, but it's risky as hell because he's already been exposed to radiation from his sub service. If you didn't know, there's a lifetime recommended limit to radiation exposure. He's well over it. He just called asking about Christmas gifts for my kids. I'm interpreting this as he doesn't think he has much time left.
Fuck me running, can I get a breather before more shit piles on?!? Fuck you cancer! If my generation doesn't finish you, the next one will!!
So my ex-wife and I are still friends. I never wanted to be that "my ex is a bitch" kind of guy so I made the choice that we'll still be close friends, but it weighs on my heart.
If I'm being honest, I'm still in love. I genuinely still love her. It's weird when I talk to her though. We chat about anything and everything(we know each other really well), and we can give each other honest assessments when it comes to advice. This includes love lifes, and sometimes it's tough.
We've both already started dating again, but it still takes a bit of time to take in when I hear of her escapades. I can be objective, but it still leaves me a bit emotional. I miss her.
I suppose a split from someone you truly love never completely heals, it just leaves a scar you'll always notice when you look at it. That's ok.
I still feel good when I think of the good times. I can remember the bad as well, but it was good as well.
My best friend is going through some tough times at the moment, and I don't think he's gonna be OK for awhile. He and his ex/kids mom just had a really nasty split. She kicked him out of the house, jumped right in with someone else, and his kid was sent away to keep them distant from the chaos.
I picked him up and he's staying with me. I don't mind, he's been really supportive of me in my hard times. I try and keep him occupied with games and projects, but he has breakdowns every now and then. Moments of vengeance in his eyes, and other moments of emotional outburst. Usually tears and holding his head in his hands.
It breaks my heart to see him so distraught. He's a great guy, and one of the most loyal and honest people I've ever met. Funny thing is, he dated my ex-wife before I met her. That's how we became friends, she invited him over to a BBQ we were having. She was honest, told me about their past. I'm not the jealous type so it didn't bother me. Now we're pretty close, almost like family. He helps my mom on her ranch and runs errands with my son sometimes. You never know where a good friendship will come from, do you?
Anyways, I suppose I'm just attempting to blog. I really don't have any questions on how to handle this. I went through it myself so I know his pain. Hell, he supported me when my divorce went down. He just needs an ear and a bit of advice every now and then. And a place.
It's whatever, he'll come back to himself eventually. We all have highs and lows. I just won't let him give in.
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