Hey guys and gals

The most odd feeling last week was I was on my way home from work and I'm reading forums here on my phone. I'm smiling because I was happy sharing pics of my micro and I look up. This girl full on looking at me. My face was puzzled and I looked twice and she did the same. I instantly frowned because my first thought was,
"oh shit is that the girl I liked back in high school, oh I better not get involved". (that was one of the most awkward moments in my life where I was interested in the girl but not that interested to ask her out. I'll write it out if anyone's interested? )
Thank goodness she wasn't but there was an almost uncanny resemblance and my thoughts came to be very fast, analyzing the situation.
I shouldn't think of such things. She's with friends and back from Easter show so best bet she's a minor and glancing at her friends, nope nope nope.
Ahaha I went back to reading and replying on the forums. Such a weird night.

I honestly don't think I'm going to go looking for relationships. That feeling is over for me right now. Previous relationships really shook me to the core. I'm that zone at the moment where I feel successful after failing so much previous years. I feel more relaxed but motivated to keep going to finish my studies since I pretty much took six months off. Now I'm also looking for work placement related to my studies so excited but daunting on finding the job! I have much respect for people who work and study at the same time. I'm going through that but not as much as I see and hear how some work all day and do evening classes. Seriously that's effin wow.

Damn I'm procrastinating on my driver's license still =/ and still looking at what my first car will be. Still saving hard for that

Then there's martial arts I'll have to go back to. Not that I'm forced to. I enjoy it really and dig how everything is starting to make much more sense with wisdom attached. I miss pushing my body to the limits and then go to bed with my body shaking all over from pure exhaustion. I'm at the point here where my teacher is wanting to expand his classes to different areas in NSW and wants me to take over a class. I've afraid that I won't deliver an awesome class as he does and he tells me that I'm expecting too much of myself. I've been under guidance since I was three into four years of age (been training roughly 19 years on and off due to life getting in the way) and I clearly remember making that decision I want to do martial arts. Not that it was cool. It was more that I wanted to be stronger and protect my mum.

That car and license is a big issue for me as I actually run 3.7km from home to where I train martial arts. So overall its like 7.4km once or twice a week depending how my classes and work schedules out. Best time for me is around 27 minutes I believe? Could be faster but I'm running through many traffic light intersections. Damn the waiting time.

Rawr! My solo life has its awesome ups and silly downs...

Here's what I've been waiting over the Easter long weekend!


It's missing the game and badge but I'm not bothered by it. I just wanted a new micro as I accidently shattered the inside of my other micro because I was trying to change the faceplate. Damn my strength haha



Ah it's going to be great not having to listen to other commuters on the train I will get the Shure Baldur MK2 cable for these red candies later. Just want to check how they are with my Ipod attachment.
My new micro is too precious to take with me on the train at the moment XD plus there's never a seat to sit on in the mornings grrr

Hey guys and gals, just wanted to share this and get it off my mind.

Lately it's been like I'm very happy when I'm awake because everything's going smooth right now with work, studies and achieving my goals one step at a time. On the flip side of things, when I sleep, I have a lot of recurring dreams. A lot of them I've had many times and its in a cycle. When I'm able to revisit each dream again, the recurring dream somewhat extends and there's this new whole part I have to explore, no matter what.
Only recently I've been having violent dreams. I'm not talking its like I'm beating up random people or that I choose to go "hey let's mess this guy's face up". It's more so I'm thrown in the middle of a decision, fight or die. It's the worst case scenarios.
My dream this morning was about facing another former friend who was constantly a "chameleon" in society. He was annoying and copied people. Generally he had layers of other people's personalities covering his weak vulnerable one. He's a tryhard and wannabe. He attracted trouble and he'd always run to me or the other friend for help. I was forced to friend him because the one I used to trust as a brother pitied him and he asked me at that time to give him a chance even though I said no many times. Oh how I regret those days. Anyways...
Basically the dream was me with a knife. It's in an alleyway. It doesn't have much light in the surroundings. I'm facing this former friend. He's wearing office clothes. He's slowly backing away. There's fear in his eyes, he doesn't understand why I'm approaching him. I can feel this immense anger inside of me. I feel feel the killing intent emitting from myself. I hear these thoughts,
"he's got to pay for what he's done... kill him quick"
and
"I don't want to do this, I'm going to jail for this...".
I lunge and swipe, he naturally steps back to avoid but I don't stop there. I follow up slashing upwards towards his tendon between the forearm and bicep. His arm drops. Taking advantage of this, I grab his opposite arm (as he was going to try to stop the bleeding) and slash his wrist. He staggers. I hook punch his face so it swung to the left of me then I uppercut his chin. Switching the knife into my left I slash his throat and he's bleeding to his death. I look down on him and step over him, walking away into the dark, misty alley.
The dream doesn't stop here.
The dream switches to me sent to a hospital. I think it's a psych ward. It's night time. The hallway is dimly lit as its somewhat (I'm guessing here) after midnight. I'm hauled into a hospital room. I have a briefcase with some of my clothes. The guys drop me off. I'm not locked in for some odd reason. I have the urge to go to the bathroom. I do my thing. I approach the mirror and sink. I look at my face. I've aged. I'm looking middle aged approaching fifty five by the way my white hair is beginning to frost in my hair, eyebrows, and the five o'clock shadow. I splash water to rinse the day off my face.
"mmm ohhmmmm emmmmm"
Something moaned in the hallway. My thoughts at the time,
"F*** me, I'm must be stupid to investigate it but there's nothing else to do".
I quietly walk towards my door, slowly opening to poke my head outside...looking left to right. Lights flicker. I think,
"I must be dumb, my wall is made out of glass that faces the hallway."
I face palm myself. So I walked outside of my room. The moaning was further down right of my room. Something felt heavy in my right chest pocket. It's a L.E.D pocket torch. I click it on. I shine into the next dark room. This room looked like the emergency room with patients lying in their beds. Curtains separating each and every one of them. I see something. It's dark and hanging off a bed. Stupid of me to shine my torch in its face.
It turns... it's dark long hair, its yellow eyes, pale face, the teeth so white, wearing a night gown... it drove fear into me when it screamed. My vision started to blur. I was stumbling backwards.
I don't remember what happens next. Really I don't. This part was something of me climbing a up a tree towards a tree house. This tree broke past the clouds. When I arrived at the top. It was a bachelor pad with an Italian style balcony. I find it funny because all I can remember in this part is me summoning cows in the air and dropping it on the Earth below where cars swerved and some were crushed by it. No idea as this never made sense to me. I'm certain there was dialogue here as there was someone next to me at that moment but it's gone from my mind.
My next vision comes to me is when my scenery is bright. Sunshine and all. I must be getting old as my walking pace is slower than usual. I see a young brunette girl sitting on a bench near the cemetery, under a great tree with leaves golden and brown, falling as the wind gently blew. I'm walking towards her. She smiles and motions me to hurry. I shuffle my old body over to her and sit next to her.
She told me this,
"You did what you had to do, if you haven't freed me, I'll still be stuck there"
(I don't control myself here. I usually have dreams where I am only viewing things.)
I said,
"I wish I hadn't killed him. I just didn't know what to do..."
I can feel this deep well of sadness, drilling a hole in my chest. She gently leads my head to rest on her lap. I feel safe, my tears start rolling halfway down the bridge of my nose then dropping off onto her skirt.
All I can feel is her gentle touch on my head, saying as if everything will be okay.

I can't remember my previous dreams as clearly as these ones. I understand when I have this dreams. I feel very exhausted like I never slept at all. Then I go back to sleep for another two hours and I'm brand new. Weird.

All the other dreams consisted of me finding other former friends who betrayed me from the past. I sometimes don't only kill or beat one at a time. It's sometimes two, three and at most four. You'd expect people to fight back. They don't. Panic and fear gets to them. Even when they try to stop me, they are only trying to stop me and I get them too. That's what happens in my dreams.

Gee I sound like an idiot writing all of this. It's a long blog which I haven't written since my zombie dream haha I hope I wasn't too descriptive

http://desmond.image....jpg&res=medium

http://desmond.image....jpg&res=medium

Ta daa!

Yeah it's not much at the moment. Still waiting for the rest of my GBA collection to come in =/ But very happy with these two

Don't know how to make it into a picture like Todderbert's so this will have to do. (the button didn't allow me to use "this extension" as it said in red =/)

With the previous blog. I admire the people here, able to express themselves freely. Something I've been lacking for many years.
What made me today was false friends, people I'd thought I could count on, people who I'd trust and my trust is what school, movies, anime, and all that jazz tell you what it suppose to be. I guess I haven't met the right kind of people who share that same amount of meaning in trust as I do.

I had this friend, he was like a brother...we were blood brothers. For a good approximate of nine years. So young and so foolish.

He was like my little brother I never had. I made sure he'd stay out of trouble as I promised his father. I could never keep him out of trouble as he went looking for it. He attracted it. So the best I ever could were to tell white lies...if not a terrible lie to keep his parents happy. Many people who used to care about me told me I should abandon this friend. I was blind and said no. They had a very good reason. They saw through his lies where I continued to blindly believe him.
What lie was this? His motive in life. He was a very important person in the underground society of gangs. His street knowledge was unbelieveable.
What happened between us? It took nine years to figure it out. Indeed you would laugh at how slow I was figuring this out. I am indeed a very intense person in the flesh. I naturally make people feel uncomfortable. Not my intention though. My friend at the time, would make use of this. And at the end of these nine years of brotherhood, the girl I was dating at the time had asked me, "Why do you act like that around him? Why do you act like his muscle?"
I thought to myself. I never saw myself like that. I just like to intimidate people and watch them flee. I just like the feeling of making groupies disperse when I entered the scene. I guess I just never noticed what my friend was doing next time at the time.

Whoops I almost went on a tangent there...

I didn't want to be this person anymore. People eyes' spoke fear when I gazed at them. At the time I feared of being alone. I don't want to be alone. I started to avoid my friend. I only started to realised, he only stayed friends with me because he could use me to get to his way with people he didn't like. I thought I had a good friend. What a naive person I was...believing there was that "trust" I'd thought we had as blood brothers.

Weeks later he confronted me at the train station... I knew he wouldn't let go. I had to speak his language. The type of language that he understood too well.
He said,
"(name) why haven't you been picking up your phone? Man what's been happening? It's cool, I'm not mad... I just want to know what's been happening with you?"
Because I lacked management of my emotions that were just bombarding me. I was so angry, so pissed, yet sad and knew I had to bite the bullet and tell this old friend.
"You know when you said when you have a good thing happening, that other person suffers and something terrible happens in return...I'm sick of it."
I was so angry with my eye's watering.
"That dream you had of us... Us fighting each other to death... I guess this is where we walk our own paths."
He looked at me. He had sunglasses on. But I could see his reaction...that same look when you are in denial.

That's just a fragment of my life in the past. A memory that bothers me at times of loneliness.
I wonder if there are people who are willingly to hear my story of how I became alone.
I'll be happy to answer any questions that may pop up, to clarify what I meant...I just hope I give the proper meaning to it and not lose it in translation. I know how everyone perceives what their senses tell them differently
if someone reads it haha

Heya guys,

I get the feeling that its socially unacceptable to not hang out with friends or do things socially with a lot people.
I say that because my siblings are always asking why I don't go out as much like they do. I just say to them I prefer my own time alone now.
I also don't have many friends due to complication crap that made me push many of my friends away.
Right now I prefer doing things independantly, work, shop, game. I'm probably sounding anti social lol
I also have to deal with my parents divorce. I'm still in the process of getting over my ex (I'm not in the sad state anymore, more so the "I'm doing good and staying strong"). Not really interested in relationships for now. Now that I need to get myself a cheap car and get my licence which I have put off for like 5 years (I had made pretty foolish decisions).
So... the question now is, is it normal that I'm like this?
Could what I described in my life at the moment be the reason I'm behaving/reacting right now?


On the side note. I'm a sucker for accessorising my 3ds =.=
Waiting for the 3ds metal gear accessory box and that 3ds monster hunter case (I've read somewhere saying this is a womens clutch bag >.< I hope not...)

I'll try to describe my dream as best as I can and in the order I remember it. Pretty hard to recall it exact but here it goes. I guess this dream happened due to playing a lot of Left 4 Dead 2 and then watching Stargate Atlantis and Walking Dead series lol!

My dream starts off with me thrown into a nightfall setting where it's pretty much around 12am-2am. I dust myself off my feet as I appear that I was lying down in the grass under a carport. I feel groggy and I straighten myself out by slapping my cheek a few times. I glance around and notice I'm at my current house where it's semi built with only the foundations in place and with an underground cellar/crawlspace with plastic wrap covering it to protect from the weather. I looked behind me and there's a few shadowy figures in the distance just walking around slowly, in a uncoordinated fashion. I feel freaked out not knowing what it is so I quietly lift up the plastic wrap and opened the small crawlspace window and slid in. I shut the door and crawled further. Some reason down here it was illuminated until I noticed a girl.

She was roughly in her mid twenties, caucasian, blonde hair tied in a ponytail, thin and she was quite pretty even though she had dirt and dust marked on her face. She was dressed in brown dirty overalls. I assumed she was crawling through this tight space. However there was something strange about her. She had her eyes closed the whole time. People probably be screaming "Witch! Shh..quiet! Kill that light" (lol!) but something about her lured me there. Just that feeling pulled me closer. She quickly faced me with closed eyes still and quickly shuffled towards me. Like a blur she grasped my armed and said,
"Shh... there's these strange things out there," she said in as she trembled with fear.
I thinking in my head "what the hell get off me", I responded with a nod.
"yeahhh well I don't know what's happening and I have no idea what to do..." I was facing her as she still clasped on my arm tightly. I felt a shade of embarrassment growing on my face and I looked away as I found myself staring at her face.
"Yeah that's the thing. I don't know much about it either but we gotta move or we're going to get stuck here," she replied as she nervously tilted her head in the directions we heard slow but heavy footsteps walking around.
"Fine... *scratches head* where we heading then?"
"Take us to where more normal are..away from these things. I really can't see them but judging the way I've killed a few.. I don't think they're human. Anyways you gotta take me to where there's more people around..."
I was like whhhhhaaattt?! Killed a few?! How the f you get this far if you look blind? How vague is the place where more people are? Questions kept growing like cancer as I quickly said,
" *sigh* Well you owe me a lot more then an explanation when we do get out of here...".
She smiled and tilted her head. It appeared she winked at me. I looked away and thought yyeaaaahh okay weird girl.
I shuffled back to the to the window. This time there was a girl outside. She was short, guessing eight to twelve years of age. Except she wasn't even alive by her appearance when she turned around and sensed something was near her. Her eyes were a mix of reddish yellow hue. Her skin was a shade of gray or charcoal black. She had her mouth open...No wait... it was more ripped open and she was drooling.. or whatever that liquid was dripping from her jawless face. I was like aww (&#@, why can't she just do it since she said she's killed a few. I slid the window open and the little girl ran towards me (and so did other nasty looking guys with missing arms and legs). I swiftly moved in and grabbed her by the head, I pivoted my body to the left, moved my torso which generated enough strength to throw the girl into the crowd of weirdos. I turned back and see the girl running the opposite direction and waved a "hurry up!". What a dog I thought. I sprinted towards her... that's when a bright light shone through the area...I covered my eyes as I was still running and this sound like a huge vacuum sucking up dirt was heard.

...

I opened my eyes and found myself in a military complex. I made that assumption by all the people walking around in brown karki coloured uniforms with officials with medals and badges ordering them around. I was so confused. What the hell had just happened? This isn't making anymore more sense until I heard a familiar voice and I tug at the arm,
" What? So you're going to stand there all day checking out sweaty guys..."
I turn and was about to retort in an immature way when I saw her eyes. Her eyes looked so clear and it was the colour of a green gem which I couldn't remember at the time.
"Now you're staring at me...Come on it's not like you haven't seen me without my clothes either..." she did the same wink as she made fun of me.
I blinked and stepped back. My mouth opened but quickly shut it since I was lost for words. She grabbed my arm as usual and pulled me away from the military guys exercising. I didn't know where I was still. I need to find something that does make sense.

...

Well that's just the first part of my dream. I would type the rest but I was curious if anyone was interested in reading more lol I don't know I find my dreams mostly interesting at times but the most strangest thing about them, I've had them more than three times in my life. It's like a cycle of the same dreams in the same sequence.
I never had a new type of dream... It's more like an elaboration of the old and new pathways are opened each time I dream of them. Weird huh? Please excuse my spelling and grammar. I haven't checked it completely

So... what did you guys think?

---------------------------------------

(cont.)

I get dragged off and down a hallway with low lighting. There are rooms and each inside are bunk beds. I'm still getting pulled towards the change rooms and she pushes me in.
"Go get ready okay? We gotta get ready before big headed cap arrives".
She smiles and leaves the room. I'm still speechless until a hand slaps me on the shoulder and a deep booming yet friendly chuckle is heard. Scared the shit outta me. I spin around and see a six and a half feet tall bulky Afro American man who is in his late twenties, dressed in a similar overall to the girl. He places his other hand on the other shoulder and looks at me... I thought he was going to say.. "you're my bitch now". I wasn't relieved when he actually said,
"Ahaha maaannn you musta did somethin wrong to be in our team. This is your home and trust me it aint never safe at night".
His gaze and smirk creeped me out. I didn't know if I should sleep facing my back to the wall or something.
"Anways it s'all good. Here, take this *throws me a pistol* wear this too *throws me a utility harness*".
He watches me struggle to put it on. Unfortunately the bastard kept on laughing when I didn't know where to put the pistol.
"There's a holster on the side... You must be blind with your eyes close all the time" *starts cracking up again*
Man.. such a low blow because I'm Asian. After I was done securing myself, the big man said,
"Now you just look like a fag bahahaha Ok let's go meet the last man on our team. He's over there posing like a girl"
The big man points to the Caucasian male in his thirties, dressed in the same overalls, five point 9 feet tall, medium build and like the big man said...posing like girl in those catalogues (I'll just call him model guy). Model guy looks at me up and down. I felt violated because his gaze was intense. His clear yet strong voice says,
"Are you serious? Looks like we got a human fodder for those zombies."
He looks at the big man. I turned to look and the big man had both his hands as if to say "hey man don't look at me? I did shit yo". He walks away and looks out into the view through the glass. Again with the posing... geez I'm stuck with a bunch weirdos.

Some reason the floors and walls started to shake violently. Green eyes (the girl) runs in and said,
"Security breach. The dead are coming in!"
" Awww shiet... Looks like they're coming to say hi to papa..." The big man loads and readies two AA-12 shotguns. What the (@#*. This guy must be crazy to using TWO of those.
"Tsk. Military complex my ass." Model guy holsters two ivory Colt .45 pistol and a large hunting knife. Finally picks up his p90 when

BOOM! *Emergency sirens go off*

Zombie flush into the room and the big man is shooting sparingly but still laughing his ass off. Geez it's like he never takes anything serious. Model man is constantly throwing zombies into each other and sucker punching any near him as he was jumped while picking his gun up. Green eyes is pretty much taking care of things with grace. Swinging her Steyr AUG to the face of the attackers and then finishing them off with two shots in the head for certain death. Me? I couldn't pull out my pistol in time and I was force to push, shove and kick zombies away before I could reach for my hand to hand weapon which was.... a machete?! What the hell...sterotypical dream...come on!

The air smells like burnt rotten meat with gunfire smoke filling the air. These zombies smelt horrible beyond description. I did anything I could to get them at distance except two zombies latched onto me and were trying to pull me towards the incoming crowd. Their heads exploded. Big man shouts,
"Man... you're more of a fag if you're letting two guys hold you down!"
Oh geez I want to punch him and then run like a little girl. Sure I want to shut the guy up but he's massive. I hear this loud bellow of scream. I pick myself up and look in the direction of where it came. Big man got bit by zombies crawling on the floor and the others are jumping onto him as he's exposed. A zombie bit me but it was on my harness (thank god) so I grabbed its head and slammed it into the ground where I finished it with a heavy stomp to crack its brain out. Gun firing still. I was getting separated as the three remaining in the team forced out way out of the room and into the main floor. We're were getting tired. I was damn exhausted... Each movement started to burn my muscle. Things started to move in slow motion. A different figure in the distance had thrown freshly cut rabbits with blood still oozing from the wounds. Zombies close to us took the bait and ran after it. A few of them sprawling to the ground licking the blood drips.
"LET'S GO PEOPLE!!!"
I ran for it. Green eyes made it to the figure first. I turned as I ran to see Model man completely overrun by zombies still as he somehow was forced into a corner. My teeth gritted hard as I didn't like to abandon people... Another white light crashed into my eyes. I didn't cover it in time...

...

I'll type more..my head hurts from remembering. There's more to it but I have a feeling it's not that interesting lol but I'll finish it when I can.

Seriously my turn to rant and complain.

My uncle's here on vacation for three weeks. He's here because of my cousin's wedding. Five days into his three week vacation, he brought my download quota to 80%. I get 75gb on peak and off. I'm rounding off that he downloaded approximately 120 or 130 (my math's sucks but I don't care I got this bar showing how much I have left). Not only downloading from our house, he goes to my cousin's place (the same one who's getting married) AND downloads from there. He killed 50gb worth of downloads...my cousin's now capped. So my uncle comes back to our place and kills our download quota.

FFS seriously because of stupid cultural traditions. It be rude of me to complain to his face so I told my brother to tell him. He stops but tonight...he killed it. I'm stressing out because I got two papers due soon and I rely heavily on the net to write my papers (no I do not cut and paste, I have to make references sigh). My brother is really pissed off because he pays for the net and it's gone already. He generally doesn't mind me using it as long I don't extensively abuse the quota but my uncle really put him off. I now have to cram 2 papers in a week. Not cool. I can't work at college because the library's small and the comps are never working when I am there. I can't go local library because the locals in there don't understand the meaning of quiet. It's like a barnyard in there, WAY louder in my local library then the street outside.

If you guys don't understand. In my family, elders are to be respected. If they're elders and also guests of the house, you just have to let them do what they want to an extent. My family is being mum about this but I'm not. I already complained and yet nothing can be done about it. I hate my uncle for doing this after he knew I needed the net to study. Thank god he's gone this Sunday and I don't want to see him off nor do I want to travel to the States to visit. You may think I'm whinging over something little and yet there's other things that's not relevant to this.

Sigh I just want to tell my uncle off. I can't speak my native language since I was born here so it sucks. Sometimes I find old traditions and heritages are stupid. They're too rigid...
I'm also having a birthday dinner party later on the weekend. I just hope he's gone out with my relatives. I won't be enjoying it. Sometimes it's hard to forgive...

For people who are thinking if he's downloading porn. No he isn't. He's downloading those god awful Asian song shows that are similar those music award shows like Aria or MTV stuff (those stupid Paris By Night Shows if anyone's curious). That's what I think it is. Then he burns the crap and gives it to my parents and relatives.