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Posted by Canonbeat234 - 02-01-10 01:11 - 15 comments - Read - Edit
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 | Flashback pains
| While I was washing dishes, I began to flashback from my years of my childhood till now. Since this month I have to pass the IFA or I'm not going to boot camp, even still my feelings remains uninspired. I never ask sympathy from people, usually because you can't get enough in order to make you feel better. I just realized that from age 13-14 till now, I hadn't moved from this spot. If I did move from this spot it was either to the fridge to get something to eat, going to the bathroom, going to bed, or leaving off this chair after an argument with my mother. At those times, life pass me by. Opportunities going somewhere they are gone...planning to go to college they are not there anymore...going to parties...I have miss all of it. I seriously feeling the absolute regret of missing a part of my life I will never get back. Only to make my flashbacks hit me with more remorse...I never excelled my minimum.
I remembered when I was in catholic school and there was this ceremony for honor roll students, I was in a choir but I just fooled around...just went there to get out from class. The biggest 'fuck you' I had gotten is during that ceremony all the students who was in that choir were singing while I was sitting with my mother with my head down weeping. That lead to another flashback were I told to go to out of state college but however, I was too afraid to do that decision because of the money issue. I didn't have any money so I didn't bother apply to SUNY, I did apply myself to CUNY which was City College. The test I had taken showed that my English/reading comprehension was slimming and advised me take the summer classes so I can get better in college english. I didn't take that chance, instead I was on this computer doing whatever, ignoring the workshop I have to take. When that September came, I was giving the option to either take a mediocre English class, apply for next year, or get some college credits. I have chosen the third option was to go to DeVry taking a major on Electronic Engineering which in the end I didn't get far because of the money issue. Now I still have to pay a private loan and the loans from salliemae.
I begin to hate myself a lot more as another flashback, this one was focusing on my self-pity. Each time I fail at something, I just accept failure and never bother getting up again. This is when I became lax and mellow, not caring whether I succeed or not. This can explain my lack of inspiration finding a job or caring about anything that's important to me. This lax nature did backfire on me more than once, I won't go into details since its very personal due to financial and welfare issues. All of those flashbacks makes me realize how low, self-righteous, egotistic, prideful, selfish, demonic, babyish, and even naive at times to where my attitude towards people only display a facade behind my dark overtones. That's when people get to know me, I often show my demonic side which they judge me too often and gives me this indifference towards them. Can explain the reason why I have no friends, I just can't take criticism when its showing my faults. I know I could of have done better but at times I'm just too mellow just to care.
I didn't take life seriously because I feel that I had all the time I have ever needed. While this is not the case, I personally feel its everyone's fault but mines...in the end I made sure I have failed at everything I tried.
Feel free to criticize me, since this is what the topic is all about.
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Posted by Canonbeat234 - 07-12-09 09:34 - 0 comments - Read - Edit
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| | My steady progress so far (Part 3)
| It been a while since I post a blog up here, my life so far has been going well. I can walk, talk, and getting into shape before going to boot camp next year.
So far me without having a DS and seeing all the great games that are out now; I can't helped to feel that I'm missing out on the hype of these games. I don't have any money, I try to find a job and well nothing is happening. What happened to this month so far was that I took the SAT's and I won't know my score until this week or next week (I pray that I passed it)
I have been playing Mabinogi non-stop, finally reached a total lvl of 500 within a two-three months time (I was lvl 291 on Sep 11th and I got to lvl 500 around November 30th) It might not be a big achievement to you people but it is to me! So far I skipped church twice...the first time I didn't get up because I was sleepy and the second time I made sure I set my alarm but I couldn't get up. Its weird since I used to go to church like crazy when my life was down the crapper. Now I know what's coming up next it feels like going to church is an extra choir, I mostly feel embarrassed when I have no money to give up for the offerings. Then there's this IFA (Intense Fitness Assessment) test I need to pass. I have to do 46-50 push ups and 35-42 sit ups then run 1 and half miles within 13 minutes. I have to pass that test before December 20th or I won't be able to go.
Yeah...that's kind of it. Also Merry Christmas to all and have a good New Year.
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Posted by Canonbeat234 - 20-09-09 06:32 - 0 comments - Read - Edit
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| | Hi
| | I'm Canonbeat, usually the one that has little sense of what's going on. I just want to type, I like GBATemp and it has been a great time here. I hope to be of such use... |
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Posted by Canonbeat234 - 25-08-09 22:49 - 7 comments - Read - Edit
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| | I sold my DS down the river...
| | Yeah today I sold my DS along with several games to Gamestop (Don't tell me that was a dumb move) and all I got from them is $54.41. Went to the post office and got myself a 50$ money order to pay off that stupid ticket. The only question I have NONE of the game stores I went to will buy the Japanese import DS game 'Bleach:Dark Souls' to be precise. |
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Posted by Canonbeat234 - 17-08-09 05:46 - 1 comments - Read - Edit
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| | Happy Birthday to me ^^
| Well despite how challenging my life is and I'm not really doing anything today. I can smile and be glad that I'm still alive today.
I'm 22 years old, I started to think before my Birthday came up. Right now my situation is 'fixed'; I'm going to be ship off to boot-camp next year on the 20th or 21st of January, my mother is kicking me out on the 30th of that same month. What's going to happen to me now? So far I feel a bit depressed and I know that if I stay like this then I'm not facing the destiny that's up ahead for me.
I already mentioned in my previous blogs of how I am, what I been through as far as changing my last name and going to the Navy. I can only say that I'm happy to live this far and I just hope the best for myself... |
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